Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

@UhtredRagnarson

Is that whinging though?

In the way she said it, I think so.

Approaching your partner with something that's an issue for you and wanting to arrange a solution?

Which is what I suggested happen with the “do you fancy doing X on the bank holiday” comment.

I guess it's just different ways of approaching things isn't it, plus knowledge of your partner.

If it were me and I had an issue with something that was only within my DP's control to change, and particularly that relates in some way to his children, I would definitely be more like to approach it in the way OP did - to let him know I was a bit upset about it and gauge whether it's something he seemed willing to tackle.

I think my partner would react more positively to me sharing my feelings and giving him the chance to move things around than me coming in asking him to do something on time I know is when he is scheduled to have the children. I think he might see that as me bulldozing in and trying to pressure him into changing his contact schedule.

The assumption is that they are in the wrong unless proven otherwise though. It's clearly there in your own responses.

No, just in this case I think the OP could have approached it differently and I said how.

Most separated parents I know and my parents when they separated had arguments over who got to have their children more, not less! Can't imagine a dad telling his ex-wife he doesn't want his child every Monday because his new girlfriend (not even a step mother btw) wants some bank holidays alone with him.

As a parent I cannot understand this either, Im so excited about getting the bank holiday with my DCs. Its often a tussle between me and their dad as to who gets them on long weekends. He's just as keen as I am and I am sure he would be very hurt by his wife suggesting it wasn't a great thing. And my partner is really excited about it too, planning what we will all do together. Honestly the post just sounds immature to me, something I might have felt in my 20s when I wanted to go out drinking and sleep all day, something that has no appeal at all anymore. In my family getting all the bank holidays would be a huge win.

I guess it's just different ways of approaching things isn't it, plus knowledge of your partner.

Yes, and OP has asked for responses on that so that’s what I’ve done.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

As a parent I cannot understand this either, Im so excited about getting the bank holiday with my DCs. Its often a tussle between me and their dad as to who gets them on long weekends. He's just as keen as I am and I am sure he would be very hurt by his wife suggesting it wasn't a great thing. And my partner is really excited about it too, planning what we will all do together. Honestly the post just sounds immature to me, something I might have felt in my 20s when I wanted to go out drinking and sleep all day, something that has no appeal at all anymore. In my family getting all the bank holidays would be a huge win.

For the parents, sure. Absolutely no need for all the moral judgment about step parents feeling the same, of course they're not likely to.

The smug superiority of parents in comments like this sounds immature to me 🤷‍♀️

As a parent I cannot understand this either, Im so excited about getting the bank holiday with my DCs.

At least someone finally admits that people do actually look forward to bank holiday instead of implying OP is ridiculous for wanting to look forward to hers too!!!

The smug superiority of parents in comments like this sounds immature to me 🤷‍♀️

Me too.

Although mostly I'm quite annoyed that the OP tried to find something out and maybe get a bit of support to help her to deal with one of the many disappointments that come with a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. And what she got was the full 'you shouldn't be in a relationship with a parent you awful cow' treatment.

Personally, I don't much care about bank holidays. But I can appreciate others might. And have enough curiosity to talk to them about why they feel this way.

Further up thread BIdidy made an interesting comment that presumably both partners want to be in the relationship. What if the OP's partner is quite satisfied with the amount of alone time that he has and will have with the OP?

Presumably , he too is aware of any potential changes in their holiday time. What if this is not a problem for him?

Why is the response never " what is it about your relationship that does not make him feel the need or desire to find ways and more time to spend with you? Very few people do not find ways to do the things are particularly meaningful to them.

The fact that the partner is content with the status quo may have nothing to do with his child and everything to do with his view of the status of the relationship.

It is so easy to always place the cause or blame on a child related issue rather than on a difference between the partners in their views about the status and overall importance of the relationship.

Why is the question never "why do I seem to need more time with him than he seems to want with me?" That question places the onus of the problem on the relationship rather than on the existence or presence of the child .

@Tiredoftattler

Further up thread BIdidy made an interesting comment that presumably both partners want to be in the relationship. What if the OP's partner is quite satisfied with the amount of alone time that he has and will have with the OP?

Presumably , he too is aware of any potential changes in their holiday time. What if this is not a problem for him?

Why is the response never " what is it about your relationship that does not make him feel the need or desire to find ways and more time to spend with you? Very few people do not find ways to do the things are particularly meaningful to them.

The fact that the partner is content with the status quo may have nothing to do with his child and everything to do with his view of the status of the relationship.

It is so easy to always place the cause or blame on a child related issue rather than on a difference between the partners in their views about the status and overall importance of the relationship.

Why is the question never "why do I seem to need more time with him than he seems to want with me?" That question places the onus of the problem on the relationship rather than on the existence or presence of the child .

I do think you have a point here - perhaps her DP is fine with the status quo and doesn't want any more time alone together. Then that's something they'd need to discuss between them.

But I do also think that it has to be factored into the equation that he presumably feels quite differently about time spent with his son than OP does.

To me, it's the same as any other family. I wouldn't mind seeing my own parents multiple times a week or for days at a time, but I don't expect that my DP feels that way. I enjoy that time with them more than he does - even though he genuinely does like and care about them very much. But he just prefers when it's me and him. And that's OK and quite natural. It's the same for me (and probably OP too) with my DP's kids - I like and care for them immensely, I enjoy time spent together but I also look forward to time spent just me and DP. It's not an insult to them.

@Bibidy

As a parent I cannot understand this either, Im so excited about getting the bank holiday with my DCs.

At least someone finally admits that people do actually look forward to bank holiday instead of implying OP is ridiculous for wanting to look forward to hers too!!!

I realise I may be being 'slow' and missing the point but how is a bank holiday any different to a Sunday or a day off or time in school holidays?

I'm a mother of two adult children and I enjoyed them when they were kids (still do), but have no memory of bank holidays being anything special. I didn't build up to a bank holiday with any excitement. I assume my husband was the same though never asked him, the subject didn't come up.

I last saw one of my children on Tuesday and said it was bank holiday on Monday to which I got the reply, "Oh is it, I'd forgotten" (self employed, working from home).

Do some people not enjoy bank holidays? Odd Ive never met one.

My partner is just as happy about spending time with my DCs as I am. I suppose I take that for granted, I couldnt imagine being in a relationship with someone who felt otherwise. Well I wouldnt be in a relationship with someone who felt that, we're a package deal.

"I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing..."

You thought he'd be on board with your disappointment in having his child around? What kind of a parent would be supportive of that? A shit parent. There's loads of deadbeat dads who wont see their kids (I wonder how much this type of attitude in new girlfriends contributes to that), find yourself one of them.

*But I do also think that it has to be factored into the equation that he presumably feels quite differently about time spent with his son than OP does.

To me, it's the same as any other family. I wouldn't mind seeing my own parents multiple times a week or for days at a time, but I don't expect that my DP feels that way. I enjoy that time with them more than he does - even though he genuinely does like and care about them very much. But he just prefers when it's me and him. And that's OK and quite natural. It's the same for me (and probably OP too) with my DP's kids - I like and care for them immensely, I enjoy time spent together but I also look forward to time spent just me and DP. It's not an insult to them.*

Truer words are seldom spoken. Personally I would find it bizarre if a parent didn't accept and expect this from their partner's tbh, and yet on here it's incredibly common to read comments about how deeply hurt people would be if their partners didn't come across as as personally excited about time with their kids as they are.

Truer words are seldom spoken. Personally I would find it bizarre if a parent didn't accept and expect this from their partner's tbh, and yet on here it's incredibly common to read comments about how deeply hurt people would be if their partners didn't come across as as personally excited about time with their kids as they are.

I suspect there are a lot of partners out there who realise they have to hide the simple fact that they just aren't as excited about it as the child's parent. And that they do not, in fact, 'adore' the child in the way their mother does.

I guess that's just one of the many compromises required for their relationship to function.

I realise I may be being 'slow' and missing the point but how is a bank holiday any different to a Sunday or a day off or time in school holidays?

I'm a mother of two adult children and I enjoyed them when they were kids (still do), but have no memory of bank holidays being anything special. I didn't build up to a bank holiday with any excitement. I assume my husband was the same though never asked him, the subject didn't come up.

I just feel like most people who are working in jobs where they get to have the bank holiday off look forward to it, don't they!? It's a long weekend, an extra day off that you don't have to book, it's just.....nice. That's why people are pleased when we get extra ones for royal weddings or whatever.

I am not a teacher or a student to school holidays don't make any difference to me, and days I've booked off are usually for a reason.

I just thought everyone |(who gets it off) enjoyed bank holidays . Like how kids are happy when they get an inset day...it's an extra day off so they enjoy it. Have never encountered so many people who couldn't care less.

Yeah....it is nice to have a day off from work (& school), but I don't understand a bank holiday in itself being such a big event. Maybe it is just me.

Sometimes we were away on holiday when there was a bank holiday so it just merged.

If the weather is nice, barbecues are good - but you can have a barbecue any weekend.

I don’t understand this:

“I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more”

This sounds like you used to have bank holidays together, just the two of you. Did you? 🤔

@ThatOtherPoster

I don’t understand this:

“I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more”

This sounds like you used to have bank holidays together, just the two of you. Did you? 🤔

I think OP said earlier that she meant because they had Good Friday together and she realised all the other BHs are Mondays.

Wow I did not expect this to be so triggering or quite so divisive but thank you for your responses.

Apologies for going off the radar but I found the initial responses quite hard to read.
Thank you for those who understood where I was coming from or who were polite in their opposing view.

To answer a few points raised:

• Myself and my partner both work full time and have just the standard holiday allowance of 22 days. We need to be careful with these for school holidays so can’t just take Fridays off here and there though if we could it would be great.

• His ex does not work or study, this is out of choice not due to any underlying causes.

• Contact time has been shifted. It used to be 60/40 with the majority split being with my partner, however this was changed as it was quite hard for him especially as he worked full time. This was his own decision and not something I influenced.

• We don’t have eow free. We have his son Saturday morning - Wed one week, and Sun evening - Wed the other week. I realise I didn’t quite make that clear as the weekend days are the handover days. I should have rephrased when I wrote it initially as I feel it may have helped with understanding however I wasn’t expecting it to be an important part of background information.

The comment around bank holidays is simply that it would be lovely to use those extra “free holiday days” as it were to go on a little break, have some precious time at home just the 2 of us, or have an opportunity to focus on us as a couple which is something we don’t get very often.

It was simply an observation of a missed opportunity for the 2 of us. I’m not saying we should never have his son for a bank holiday, but that it would be nice to have a couple of extra days for us and I wondered if anyone else shared them like they do with school holidays.

@Maggiesfarm

Yeah....it is nice to have a day off from work (& school), but I don't understand a bank holiday in itself being such a big event. Maybe it is just me.

Sometimes we were away on holiday when there was a bank holiday so it just merged.

If the weather is nice, barbecues are good - but you can have a barbecue any weekend.

I understand it's not a major deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's just one of those little realisations that you have when you're in a relationship with someone with a child, and sometimes they do hurt a bit. Especially when everyone around you is doing something nice with their partners or families and just looking forward to it that bit more. It just takes the shine off a bit, that's all really.

My elder children's dad sees it as extra time with them as he usually works Mondays. He's always happy to have them extra and they always do something together.

MiniPep:
The comment around bank holidays is simply that it would be lovely to use those extra “free holiday days” as it were to go on a little break, have some precious time at home just the 2 of us, or have an opportunity to focus on us as a couple which is something we don’t get very often.
.......

There's no reason why you can't, sometimes. Parents are entitled to have holidays/short breaks. The boy's mother could have one if she wanted and leave him with you.

Why not plan and book something in advance if it is so important to you.

Hey OP, glad you've come back.

Just to answer the last bit of your post, my DP and his ex split them going by whose weekend they tack onto. Looking at your contact arrangement, if a BH feel on the week your DP usually gets SS on the Sunday night, he could potentially get him on the Monday instead so they get shared between both parents more.

OP - I think you should definitely negotiate to have EOW free, can you NEVER have a weekend away just the two of you? I think this needs looking at.

In 2022 4 out of 9 Bank Holidays are not on Mondays. So it's a ridiculous fuss, really.