Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

If you feel like this you are in the wrong relationship. I wouldn't like it either tbh.

I get not being happy about it, we can't control our feelings, but I wouldn't want to hear it if I was her DP. If a partner of mine complained about my having my kids as much as possible, the partner wouldn't be a partner for long.

@FishyFriday

Is it an issue around you both having little time off work and therefore the bank holidays mattering? I'm just trying to figure out why it feels important to you.

We usually have my SDC here on bank holidays because my husband is trying to make his annual leave stretch. He's taken a new job with less annual leave too, and doesn't have enough to cover his school holiday contact arrangements, never mind ever have a day off without his other children being here. It's not ideal at all but it's his leave, his children and his choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is something like that making bank holidays feel like a bigger deal to you than they seem to others?

Tbh they are a big deal to me too.

Sometimes it's just nice to be able to look forward to a BH weekend the way everyone else does, maybe think about a weekend away or just to relax and enjoy the extra day off with your partner. I wouldn't be happy to either have to spend them all with my SCs or spend them all on my own, since everyone else usually has plans with their own partner/family.

It's not that I'd expect them all to be spent with just me, but I think a mix is fair. Sometimes we spend them all together, sometimes he spends them just with the kids, and sometimes just with me.

@LaceyBetty

But these are your own children though, I assume.

It's her DP's own child.

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

Bank holidays are just that, bank holidays. Not parenting holidays. A day off work doesn’t mean a day off from everything else.

@LaceyBetty

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

Would anybody be totally happy to have a child that isn't theirs around all the time?

It is a massive thing to ask and expect of somebody.

The pedant in me says that New Year's Day and Boxing Day are also Bank Holidays and sometimes it will be just the two of you!

I think you need to keep in mind that this is a time limited thing. Your stepson will get older, the dynamic will change and he will start spending less time with you. This is how it is now but work on developing a good relationship and you will start enjoying it more. It will become less child-focused and will find a groove.

Would anybody be totally happy to have a child that isn't theirs around all the time?

Agree. I don't think I would be happy about that at all, so wouldn't date a man with children. There's always a chance that those children will be around all the time. My point isn't that the OP should be thrilled with the prospect, but that I can understand her partner not being thrilled that she told him she isn't.

Sometimes it's just nice to be able to look forward to a BH weekend the way everyone else does, maybe think about a weekend away or just to relax and enjoy the extra day off with your partner. I wouldn't be happy to either have to spend them all with my SCs or spend them all on my own, since everyone else usually has plans with their own partner/family.

I can totally see that having at least some bank holidays with their partner would be important to a lot of people. Even if most of the PP don't care.

Tbh, I think the 3 day weekend thing matters. Sometimes it's lovely to get a proper 3 day weekend. Especially if your annual leave is at a premium.

As I said, I'm facing a prospect of my husband never being off work without his other children being here. It's not what I'd want. But as a stepparent, I just have to suck it up if that's what my husband chooses (I think he's planning to take them to his mum's and have her look after them to get some time off without having them - because he doesn't want all his annual leave to go to looking after his other children).

He won't be happy when he realises that (after maternity leave) I will not be taking all annual leave to coincide with his (and his time with his other children). I'm going to have time off with just my children some of the time.

Incidentally, I would never expect my husband to want to see my son every time he was off work. I totally understand that he's like some time off with out his stepchild about. I just don't agree with the 'oh I'd never be with anyone who would ever show the slightest hint that they might like a break from my children' posts at all. Of course he values time when it's just us. And obviously he doesn't see my son as I do.

@LaceyBetty

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

Why oh why do people with absolutely no appreciation of blended family dynamics insist on lecturing stepparents trying to navigate them?

Why oh why do people with absolutely no appreciation of blended family dynamics insist on lecturing stepparents trying to navigate them?

Huh? How do you know what appreciation I have?

I don't get it, am I missing something? What can you do on a bank holiday that you can't do at a weekend when it's just the two of you?

Sorry OP I really don’t understand the issue here ?

You knew your DP had a son when you met him I assume?

Yes but it's not OPs so makes sense she might want a break.

OP can have a break- she doesn’t have to be present for contact.

My dh became a sf to my dc.. 3 ft dc...
Then 2 teens decided to be here ft...
Dh never flinched.
Yabu to think this couldn't be a possibility for you too.. His ds isn't a visitor..
.

@LaceyBetty

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

This. I don’t understand it, surely if you get into a serious relationship with someone who is a parent you do that knowing and expecting that their child might be around a lot? Isn’t it a good thing if your partner takes their parental responsibilities and contact time seriously? Do people secretly hope that their partner will spend less time with their own kids as the relationship continues, or after marriage etc, and when that doesn’t happen they get resentful? I really don’t get it. OP you are sharing your life with a partner has a child, it changes things, you need to shift your thinking

@LaceyBetty

Why oh why do people with absolutely no appreciation of blended family dynamics insist on lecturing stepparents trying to navigate them?

Huh? How do you know what appreciation I have?

Just going on the content of your posts on this thread.

Just going on the content of your posts on this thread.

I grew up in a blended family from the age of 9 and read these threads and take a genuine interest in them to try to understand what made some of the individuals in my family act the way they did and make the decisions they did. Sometimes I find it hard reading and take a view.

It is a massive thing to ask and expect of somebody.

It’s not being asked and expected though. You make it sound like the DP randomly asked the OP to be his girlfriend as a favour. He’s a father, she knew that, and decided to date him. He didn’t ask her to.

OP knew she was getting involved with a father. It's not as if eh suddenly went surprise I have a child when they moved in together!

You do realise that if/when you have your own children, they don't magically disappear on bank holidays don't you?

@LaceyBetty

If I was your DP, I would not appreciate your comment at all. This is his son. It is threads like this that lead to step-parents getting a hard time on MN.

I agree and I am usually pissed off at how step mothers are treated on here.

@MiniPep you’re in the wrong here - either work it into your head that this is the way it is, or this relationship isn’t for you.

Speaking as a step parent (and step child) with no children of my own, YABU. You get every other weekend and half the week alone, which is loads.

For various reasons my DH and I have the children pretty much exclusively. It doesn't bother me at all. In fact it's more enjoyable having them around. They're part of our family and part of our household.

I think its very important for step children to feel fully included and welcome. If I didn't think I could accommodate that then I wouldn't have married in.

Mine are old enough that I can tell them when they're being annoying though and if we need peace they don't need telling twice that they can game.

If you begrudge his child then this really isn't the relationship for you.

How old is his son and how long have you been together?

@LaceyBetty

Just going on the content of your posts on this thread.

I grew up in a blended family from the age of 9 and read these threads and take a genuine interest in them to try to understand what made some of the individuals in my family act the way they did and make the decisions they did. Sometimes I find it hard reading and take a view.

Growing up in a blended family really doesn't mean you have an appreciation of what step parenting is like.

I grew up with stepparents. But it's not the same thing as being one. And doesn't mean you understand the issues at all.