Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Every bank holiday (almost!)

299 replies

MiniPep · 28/04/2021 08:15

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:24

It probably would have been better received if OP had said to her partner “ooh, do you fancy doing X/Y/Z on the may/august bank holiday? Do you think your ex would mind swapping days with you?” To. Know, something specific she wanted to do. Rather than what comes across as her whingeing about never having a bank holiday again because of “your child”.

FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 09:27

Or maybe he could be less touchy and see it as a comment on the contact schedule he's negotiated, rather than a criticism of his child.

Are stepparents supposed to navigate eggshells constantly in case their partners might have to consider anything other than how they feel about their own children?

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 09:28

@UhtredRagnarson

It probably would have been better received if OP had said to her partner “ooh, do you fancy doing X/Y/Z on the may/august bank holiday? Do you think your ex would mind swapping days with you?” To. Know, something specific she wanted to do. Rather than what comes across as her whingeing about never having a bank holiday again because of “your child”.
Yeah that would be a good plan and maybe OP could give that a go going forward.

But in the moment I guess she was just feeling a bit down as she'd only just realised that they wouldn't get to spend any further bank holidays alone together this year, so that's how it ended up coming out as more of a sad reflection.

But your idea is definitely a good one for next time.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:28

@FishyFriday

Or maybe he could be less touchy and see it as a comment on the contact schedule he's negotiated, rather than a criticism of his child.

Are stepparents supposed to navigate eggshells constantly in case their partners might have to consider anything other than how they feel about their own children?

Literally all levels extreme defensiveness from parents are justified on MN, it's very tiresome.
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:34

Or maybe he could be less touchy and see it as a comment on the contact schedule he's negotiated, rather than a criticism of his child.

Was he touchy though? All OP has said is that he didn’t get it.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:35

Literally all levels extreme defensiveness from parents are justified on MN, it's very tiresome.

Extreme defensiveness?? He “didn’t get it”. That’s what you perceive as extreme defensiveness?

FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 09:39

Maybe HE wasn't touchy. But bloody hell, many of the replies on this thread suggest more than a touch of parental defensiveness about anything that might be in any at construed as a hint that a step parent is not utterly grateful and delighted to have their child in their lives.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:39

@UhtredRagnarson

Literally all levels extreme defensiveness from parents are justified on MN, it's very tiresome.

Extreme defensiveness?? He “didn’t get it”. That’s what you perceive as extreme defensiveness?

It was fairly obvious from my comment that I was talking about a general trend on MN, not just this one thread.
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:41

It was fairly obvious from my comment that I was talking about a general trend on MN, not just this one thread.

How could it be about this thread at all?? He hasn’t been defensive. So your comment was just an irrelevant chance to have a pop.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:46

@UhtredRagnarson

It was fairly obvious from my comment that I was talking about a general trend on MN, not just this one thread.

How could it be about this thread at all?? He hasn’t been defensive. So your comment was just an irrelevant chance to have a pop.

No, my comment was a perfectly relevant thing to say in response to Fishy's comment. Are you lost?
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:50

No, my comment was a perfectly relevant thing to say in response to Fishy's comment. Are you lost?

Confused fishy’s comment was about the OP’s (of this thread) partner.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 09:53

@UhtredRagnarson

No, my comment was a perfectly relevant thing to say in response to Fishy's comment. Are you lost?

Confused fishy’s comment was about the OP’s (of this thread) partner.

I think Fishy's comment might actually have been about your comment re the way OP presented the issue to her DP.
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 09:56

Yes it was- she suggested he shouldn’t be so touchy. Which we have no suggestion from the OP that he was. So no extreme defensiveness.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:56

@UhtredRagnarson

No, my comment was a perfectly relevant thing to say in response to Fishy's comment. Are you lost?

Confused fishy’s comment was about the OP’s (of this thread) partner.

What is your problem? Fishy asked whether all step parents are expected to walk on eggshells around their partners, I said that is a very common theme on MN, which she agreed with in her subsequent comment. It was perfectly relevant. Why are you still going on about it? You were the one who said she should have minced her words more so he didn't feel defensive in the first place.
Bibidy · 29/04/2021 09:58

@UhtredRagnarson

Yes it was- she suggested he shouldn’t be so touchy. Which we have no suggestion from the OP that he was. So no extreme defensiveness.
I think the suggestion is that the defensiveness is in your comment re OP 'whinging'.
FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 10:09

I was actually commenting more on the responses on this thread.

We don't know if the partner was defensive or not ('didn't get it' could mean a range of things). Mostly because the Op made the sensible decision to not return given all the defensive by proxy responses she got.

The thread is full of posts saying that people would leave any partner who dared to express anything other than positive feelings about their children and their contact schedule. And the usual crap tropes.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 10:09

You were the one who said she should have minced her words more so he didn't feel defensive in the first place.

No I didn’t say anything about him not feeling defensive. I said it probably would have been better received, as in, he would probably “get it” if OP put a specific situation to him and offered a solution.

FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 10:10

Also, the OP mentioned a realisation ti her partner and found his response a bit disappointing.

Apparently that's 'whinging' to him.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 10:12

@UhtredRagnarson

You were the one who said she should have minced her words more so he didn't feel defensive in the first place.

No I didn’t say anything about him not feeling defensive. I said it probably would have been better received, as in, he would probably “get it” if OP put a specific situation to him and offered a solution.

Ok, and that affects the relevance of my comment in a discussion with another poster how? 🙄
UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 10:20

@FishyFriday

Also, the OP mentioned a realisation ti her partner and found his response a bit disappointing.

Apparently that's 'whinging' to him.

Let’s be clear here, it wasn’t a comment she made without meaning. She was saying “this is a problem for me.” And very probably wanted him to arrange a solution.
Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:23

She was saying “this is a problem for me.” And very probably wanted him to arrange a solution.

Is that whinging though? Approaching your partner with something that's an issue for you and wanting to arrange a solution? Surely that's part of a normal relationship.

Just because it touches on his child doesn't mean it's automatically out of order to even raise it.

FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 10:24

Ok. So we've to interpret what the OP said as 'whinging'. But in no way to think her partner's reaction might be defensive.

She should have pussy footed around it and phrased it in such a way not to trigger any defensiveness. But that's just because the whinging OP wasn't clear in what she meant.

Stepmothers just can't win. Always automatically in the wrong.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 10:26

Is that whinging though?

In the way she said it, I think so.

Approaching your partner with something that's an issue for you and wanting to arrange a solution?

Which is what I suggested happen with the “do you fancy doing X on the bank holiday” comment.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 10:27

Stepmothers are human @FishyFriday- of course they can be wrong sometimes.

FishyFriday · 29/04/2021 10:30

@UhtredRagnarson

Stepmothers are human *@FishyFriday*- of course they can be wrong sometimes.
Obviously.

The assumption is that they are in the wrong unless proven otherwise though. It's clearly there in your own responses.