Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

@ladygindiva

Why? Because I guess it would feel like he was saying my dd was in the way. And that would hurt. Maybe I'm over sensitive, idk.

I'd feel 100% the same if a partner ever said this to me.

He is probably grateful for the extra quality time with his DS and sees it as a bonus that his "free" days off work land on his contact days. No wonder he doesn't get it, as far as he's concerned he gets to spend one of his days with his DS doing something fun rather than school drop off, work, school pick up, dinner & bed!!

As far as he's concerned he has 50% of his time with you inc. EOW with you to do whatever you want (bar a couple of hours on a Sunday night 🙄) and he loves his contact days with his DS.

How would he even explain it to his DS? "I know I always have you on a Monday and this is fine when you have school and I have work as it's not like I have the chance to do anything exciting. However, this weekend I'm off on Monday and I've had a better offer. I know you're off too but you're not welcome to join us and my new partner wants it to be just the 2 of us?" Honestly??!

Op I work in an office and me too, I love bank holidays. i understand that you have realised that bank holiday Mondays are never going to be couple events and that your partner doesn’t see where you are coming from.
It’s an example of one of a zillion adjustments that have to be absorbed when you are with someone who has children.
It’s easy to lose yourself and have your needs disappear in this situation but it’s also important to choose your battles. In this case it sounds like you are just venting a little ?

@ladygindiva

Why? Because I guess it would feel like he was saying my dd was in the way. And that would hurt. Maybe I'm over sensitive, idk.

Well a couple of people have answered this now, and yes I do think it is over sensitive, as well as very naive and showing a distinct lack of ability to see things from somebody else's perspective.

I can absolutely see why you would be upset if your partner tried to get you to CHANGE things, but why on Earth would you expect them to FEEL the same joy about contact with your child? It's just a bizarre reason to be hurt, there's absolutely no reason to expect that from somebody else.

@LaceyBetty

The bank holiday point is a red herring. Of course everyone likes an extra day off work. The point here is that the DP didn't share, or at least acknowledge, the OP's disappointment that they have to spend them with his child.

See I just don't see it as "rightly so" that he is incapable of acknowledging his partner's feelings, regardless of whether he shares them. As far as I'm concerned empathy works both ways. If step parents are supposed to have endless empathy when it comes to their partner wanting to spend time with the kids, then the least their partner can do is not be really bloody weird about the fact that their partner won't naturally feel the same way about their kids as them. That should be obvious.

For most on here, that consideration only seems to go one way.

Huh?

I think this is rather like trying to debate "leave or remain" - the two sides will never agree.

If you're a parent, you're very happy to spend Bank Holidays with your child.

If you're a step parent, then you could probably do without it.

No rights or wrongs, just different views on a situation.

@Coffeepot72

I think this is rather like trying to debate "leave or remain" - the two sides will never agree.

If you're a parent, you're very happy to spend Bank Holidays with your child.

If you're a step parent, then you could probably do without it.

No rights or wrongs, just different views on a situation.

Yes, with the only difference being that most step parents are capable of and expected to understand the parents perspective, but the parents are not expected to do the same.

For most on here, that consideration only seems to go one way.

That's the message that comes across very strongly.

I'm a parent and a stepparent. I really don't think it's ok for me to be weird and touchy about the simple fact that no partner will ever feel the same way about my children as I do. They are always already a compromise for any partner. And of course their existence means many, many more compromises big and small.

I'm not going to get upset about the fact that they are a bit of an inconvenience to someone else's plans. They're an inconvenience to my own often, but that's parenthood.

Unusually we won't have the DSC this bank holiday Monday. I will have my DS at some point in the day. I would empathise with my DH feeling it would be better if we had the whole day stepchild free, except that he's managed to be so spectacularly shit about considering my needs and feelings and I'm all out of shits to give in that regard. But that's a problem in our relationship. If he didn't seem to believe that empathy and support should be a one way thing (to his benefit) in our relationship, I'd definitely feel differently.

Completely agree @Fishyfriday, I think that sense of realism is far healthier for a step parenting scenario than constantly being disappointed your partner doesn't feel exactly like you do about your kids.

It's like saying to someone with aerophobia (who always uses other modes of transport) "I've just realised we won't ever be able to go to xxx country because of your fear of flying"

When you always knew, they had this fear. How are they meant to respond.

Or

"Ive just realised our holiday would be so much cheaper if we could go in term time, but we can't because of your DS"

These things are stating the obvious and won't really be received well, because they can't be changed.

It's very different if the parents of a joint child say the term time thing. DH and I said it when our DC were in school, but accepted that we decided to have kids...and that was that, until they were older. If a DP who isn't their dad said it, it wouldn't like it.

Some of these thoughts are best not said to your partner, but I can understand I would feel that way, if I was in such a situation.

@aSofaNearYou

Completely agree *@Fishyfriday*, I think that sense of realism is far healthier for a step parenting scenario than constantly being disappointed your partner doesn't feel exactly like you do about your kids.

Really painting a depressing picture of blended families on this thread.

No - realistically, a non-biological parent is sadly not always going to be thrilled at the thought of spending time with their partner’s child/ren.

But to express that disappointment, and also expect the parent to share that disappointment, is next level.

It all sounds very half-hearted, compromise-laden and unfulfilled to me.

No one expects the parent to share the disappointment. But to understand that their partner may be a bit disappointed about some of the many compromises their relationship brings.

And not expecting them to constantly hide their feelings and tip toe around in case you might have to recognise that obviously no one else feels the way you do about your children (other than hopefully their other parent).

No one expects the parent to share the disappointment.

The entire OP is about exactly this ^^

@SandyY2K

It's like saying to someone with aerophobia (who always uses other modes of transport) "I've just realised we won't ever be able to go to xxx country because of your fear of flying"

When you always knew, they had this fear. How are they meant to respond.

Or

"Ive just realised our holiday would be so much cheaper if we could go in term time, but we can't because of your DS"

These things are stating the obvious and won't really be received well, because they can't be changed.

It's very different if the parents of a joint child say the term time thing. DH and I said it when our DC were in school, but accepted that we decided to have kids...and that was that, until they were older. If a DP who isn't their dad said it, it wouldn't like it.

Some of these thoughts are best not said to your partner, but I can understand I would feel that way, if I was in such a situation.

Exactly this.

*"Ive just realised our holiday would be so much cheaper if we could go in term time, but we can't because of your DS"

These things are stating the obvious and won't really be received well, because they can't be changed.

It's very different if the parents of a joint child say the term time thing. DH and I said it when our DC were in school, but accepted that we decided to have kids...and that was that, until they were older. If a DP who isn't their dad said it, it wouldn't like it.

Some of these thoughts are best not said to your partner, but I can understand I would feel that way, if I was in such a situation.*

Actually me and DP had this exact conversation the other day, and he didn't feel the need to be defensive or view it as an attack. He agreed that it's a shame.

It's healthy for both parties to be able to discuss things that affect them both.

@SaturdayRocks

No one expects the parent to share the disappointment.

The entire OP is about exactly this ^^

Is it? She said she was just thinking aloud. Sounds like a vent to me.

@SaturdayRocks

No one expects the parent to share the disappointment.

The entire OP is about exactly this ^^

No it wasn't.

It was about the partner not understanding. That's very different to sharing the disappointment.

I can understand that my husband cares about Newcastle united not getting themselves relegated. It doesn't mean I share his concerns.

I can also understand that he's not excited about a bank holiday with my DS. I don't need to share his feelings to understand them. Or to consider them in making my plans and decisions (even if that consideration is merely to acknowledge that it's not ideal for him, rather than changing anything).

I am claustrophobic. My husband knows this.

I'm not going to get annoyed at him if he says 'I'd love to go to the Paris catacombs with you but you won't go because you're claustrophobic'. It's just how it is. In fact, I'd empathise with his disappointment and maybe try to suggest a way he could go or something else we could do together. I'm not going to start loving small, enclosed spaces. But I can appreciate that has effects on him.

It's healthy for both parties to be able to discuss things that affect them both

You'd think.

On the relationships board, no one posting about their husband's cycling would be met with: you knew he was a MAMIL when you met him. You've got no right even letting him know that you're disappointed it affects your weekends. I'd be really upset and questioning a relationship if someone said they weren't delighted with my hobby.

No. They'd be told to discuss it with their husband and that he should be able to consider the effect it has on them. Or they'd be told he's a selfish wanker.

But apparently it's unacceptable for a SM to even hint that someone's children from another relationship might have effects on their lives or require compromises that can feel a bit disappointing. That's tantamount to poisoning an apple to get rid of the brats. 🙄

Pursuing an individual hobby is a bit different to taking care of your kids. Can't really compare choosing to go cycling to stepping up as a dad.

@ladygindiva

Pursuing an individual hobby is a bit different to taking care of your kids. Can't really compare choosing to go cycling to stepping up as a dad.

But it's not 'stepping up as a dad'. The issue is having any appreciation of the compromises a partner is making because of your life circumstances.

@ladygindiva

Pursuing an individual hobby is a bit different to taking care of your kids. Can't really compare choosing to go cycling to stepping up as a dad.

But nobody is comparing them, they're just both things you should be able to mention the result of to your partner without it being conceived as a slight. Because that's the point - it's not about the actual thing, it's just about the result.

On the relationships board, no one posting about their husband's cycling would be met with: you knew he was a MAMIL when you met him. You've got no right even letting him know that you're disappointed it affects your weekends.

Usually these hobbies are developed after marriage and kids...or they were always there and the wife thinks he'll stop after marriage.

If he always cycled at weekends pre marriage, I would say, why did you marry him knowing this.

If I had a hobby before marriage and after marriage DH decided it was a problem, I would ask why it's an issue now and it wasn't before.

I'm not going to get annoyed at him if he says 'I'd love to go to the Paris catacombs with you but you won't go because you're claustrophobic'. It's just how it is. In fact, I'd empathise with his disappointment and maybe try to suggest a way he could go or something else we could do together. I'm not going to start loving small, enclosed spaces.

What would be the point of saying this though? What would he be hoping to achieve? Gain sympathy because of phobia you have?

My DH likes skiing. I can't ski and am not interested to learn. When he wants to go skiing, he books the holiday and goes. There's no need to say "I'd like to go with you, but you can't ski"

We can go lots of places we mutually enjoy, so I don't see why he would highlight the thing I don't or can't do.

Perhaps this is one of those things people just see differently.

What would be the point of saying this though? What would he be hoping to achieve? Gain sympathy because of phobia you have? My DH likes skiing. I can't ski and am not interested to learn. When he wants to go skiing, he books the holiday and goes. There's no need to say "I'd like to go with you, but you can't ski" We can go lots of places we mutually enjoy, so I don't see why he would highlight the thing I don't or can't do. Perhaps this is one of those things people just see differently.

As much as you could question what the point of mentioning it is, you can also question what's the point of getting highly defensive about it if someone does. Your husband mentioning to you that it's a shame you'll never go skiing together, especially as a one off comment, shouldn't really be hurtful or offensive to you from where I'm standing.

I don't understand, you have agreed to date somebody who has children, it's no good complaining about it now, you should have known that he will have to spend time with his kids at times which will effect you and your relationship, even planned days can change and this is something you have to just accept as one day he may have to have his kids full time 7 days a week, again this is something that you will have to accept as he comes as a package deal.
Saying but we only have them X days a week whilst we've been together is irrelevant, the children come first.