Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

But he is and that's the point. Of course he has to arrange his life around his child. This is all very simple. Not quite sure how people don't get this.

But if he wants a partner - which I assume he does since he's in a relationship with OP - then he also needs to consider her in the equation. He could potentially do as many others do and keep his son for the bank holidays which fall after his own weekends with him, while his mother keeps him for those which fall after hers. Then he can enjoy bank holidays with his son, with both, and with just OP.

Are the three of you (you, your partner and your stepson’s mum) all in jobs where you don’t have to work if it’s a bank holiday or do you work in hospitality, retail etc?

If you are all off it seems sensible to split them (equal time spent doing nice bank holiday things with your stepson and equal number of ‘adult’ bank holidays) and if you are all working it seems fair to split them (equal amounts of holiday used) but if one parent is working and the other isn’t then it’s a bit trickier.

You will have every other weekend and you could both take off a Friday as holiday then you could still have a long weekend. At the moment where can you go anyway?

@Bibidy
I think the one thing that both people with and without children know or should know is that when you create a life ,it becomes your 24/7 responsibility for as long as it is a minor child.

The intervention of a court does not change your moral obligation; it simply codifies your minimum legal rights and responsibilities.

My children's father is a physician. When I was married to him, travel was dictated largely by his patient schedule. It did not matter what the calendar said. Should I have felt cheated or denied because my travel holidays were dictated by the needs of others? When he chose that profession , he knew the constraints that came with that choice, and when I married a man headed to that profession, I too knew that a large segment of our life would revolve around the needs if others.

If the parties entering into a relationship are sorely or unhappily challenged by the obvious and existing limitations and responsibilities that come with the relationship, then the real question is why make that choice?

It is not a lack of empathy that poses that question, but a genuine interest in why an arbitrary holiday date is so meaningful in a calendar filled with other time opportunities?

When I was married to my ex, even though our time was dictated by his patient schedule, we still managed several trips throughout the year, and they were no less enjoyable because of the time constraints under which we functioned. Sometimes, it was more enjoyable to be in some locations off season because there were fewer people .

Would anybody be totally happy to have a child that isn't theirs around all the time?

No. Hence I would never have a relationship with a man who has kids. It's not rocket science.

Would anybody be totally happy to have a child that isn't theirs around all the time?

I got court ordered residency of my DSD when me and her dad divorced, so some of us are.

@SandyY2K

Would anybody be totally happy to have a child that isn't theirs around all the time?

No. Hence I would never have a relationship with a man who has kids. It's not rocket science.

@SandyY2K Past a certain age, most men have children! If you want a relationship in your sunset years, that limitation brings up other problems.

Many stepmothers start out as childless stepmums. So not only are they dealing with a bunch of complete strangers on a live-in basis, but they are also trying to grow their parenting wings at the same time.

So - "you knew what you were getting into" - er, no. Did you, before you gave birth to your children, have any clue? Imagine the same children landing on your doorstep for the first time as hostile teenagers.

@Tiredoftattler

My children's father is a physician. When I was married to him, travel was dictated largely by his patient schedule. It did not matter what the calendar said. Should I have felt cheated or denied because my travel holidays were dictated by the needs of others? When he chose that profession , he knew the constraints that came with that choice, and when I married a man headed to that profession, I too knew that a large segment of our life would revolve around the needs if others.

If the parties entering into a relationship are sorely or unhappily challenged by the obvious and existing limitations and responsibilities that come with the relationship, then the real question is why make that choice?

You make a very good point here. You have to know a relationship where one parent has kids will impact on time spent with your partner.

It's like having a relationship with a police officer, firefighter and then complaining that you're stuck at home in the nights with/without kids.

That's the nature of the job, it neefs to be done 24/7 and the nature of being a parent is that bank holidays aren't an extra day to do what you like as a couple when you or your DP has a child.

The problem is that while you're childfree, you don't have the responsibility of being a parent, but your DP being a parent will impact your relationship.

The bank holidays may seem like a minor thing, but there are so many more ways him having a child will affect you and perhaps you should think how you'll cope going forwards.

When I was working, I never really liked bank holidays for some reason.
I don't get why it matters so much, it's just a day tagged on to the weekend.

So you have the weekends free and you're complaining about 8 bank holidays out of 52 weeks in the year? YABU

@SpaceshiptoMars
In fairness to the reasonable intelligence of most women , they do not have children or encounter children as blank slates. They were themselves children, many but not all have grown up in in homes where multiple children were reared, most have observed first hand the accommodations and sacrifices that their parents made in rearing them.

So while they make not have had first hand responsibility in child rearing. few are totally without clues, observations, and some second hand knowledge about what the process entails, and almost all have had some first hand experience in the need to prioritize responsibilities.

So maybe when becoming parents or engaging with parents we may not know with certainty what lies ahead, but if we are a reasonably intelligent person , we are far from clueless.

You can hardly say to someone, ‘I’ve just realised your kid is going to be hanging around us every BH Monday’ with an air of complete disappointment, and genuinely think that is going to go down well...?

Not only is the OP so disappointed about this realisation, that she’s moved to mention it. But she’s even more disappointed that her partner isn’t all, ‘I know, bummer right?’

Some people aren’t cut out for step-parenting. I’m not. In these situations, it’s really good to know your limits, and simply opt out if you know it’s not for you.

It really is better for everyone - most of all the children, who never get any say into who’s shipped in and out of their lives.

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this... My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday. I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more”get it.

I don't quite get this. Has he had a child with someone else since you've been together? Or did he previously not have his child the same? Have access arrangements changed?

Next year you'll get a Friday, plus a Thursday/Friday. And a Wednesday if you're in Scotland.

He has every Thursday without his son, so take some Fridays off, and have a long weekend that way

@RachelRaven

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this... My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday. I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more”get it.

I don't quite get this. Has he had a child with someone else since you've been together? Or did he previously not have his child the same? Have access arrangements changed?

I asked this too, but doesn't look like we're going to find out.

The thing is, the op didn't do anything other than say to her partner that she was feeling a bit crap about never getting a bank holiday Monday just the two of them. And he dismissed her feelings.

She didn't tell him that he needed to change his contact arrangements. She didn't say she wished he didn't have a child. She just said something about one of the losses and sacrifices she makes because he has a child. And there are many losses and sacrifices. Often significant ones.

She should be able to discuss the difficulties of being a stepparent with her partner. And he should be able to empathise. He should want to.

If my partner said to me that he was finding some aspect of stepparenting tough (even just something like not ever getting bank holidays as just us) I'd try to empathise. I'd at least acknowledge that he did need to make sacrifices and do things that he wouldn't if I didn't have children. I wouldn't be all, LTB because he dared to admit that he wasn't constantly grateful that my children were part of his life.

I'd possibly even want to think together about how we could make it easier for him. Could I arrange childcare for a bank holiday? Would it maybe be better to share them more equitably with my ex? Various options, none of which need to be viewed as 'oh, he's awful and not cut out for stepparenting. I must leave him'.

Stepparenting isn't easy. Giving some thought to how your children and your arrangements regarding them affect your partner should be a fundamental aspect of any relationship after you've had children.

Sure, she knew he had a child. But that doesn't mean she should never be able to express any feelings about how that affects her life to her partner.

Some people aren't cut out for step parenting which is blatantly obvious on some of the threads I read on here. I'm not saying OP is one of them, just that she doesn't seem to have considered all variables when getting involved with a father.

@FishyFriday

The thing is, the op didn't do anything other than say to her partner that she was feeling a bit crap about never getting a bank holiday Monday just the two of them. And he dismissed her feelings.

She didn't tell him that he needed to change his contact arrangements. She didn't say she wished he didn't have a child. She just said something about one of the losses and sacrifices she makes because he has a child. And there are many losses and sacrifices. Often significant ones.

She should be able to discuss the difficulties of being a stepparent with her partner. And he should be able to empathise. He should want to.

If my partner said to me that he was finding some aspect of stepparenting tough (even just something like not ever getting bank holidays as just us) I'd try to empathise. I'd at least acknowledge that he did need to make sacrifices and do things that he wouldn't if I didn't have children. I wouldn't be all, LTB because he dared to admit that he wasn't constantly grateful that my children were part of his life.

I'd possibly even want to think together about how we could make it easier for him. Could I arrange childcare for a bank holiday? Would it maybe be better to share them more equitably with my ex? Various options, none of which need to be viewed as 'oh, he's awful and not cut out for stepparenting. I must leave him'.

Stepparenting isn't easy. Giving some thought to how your children and your arrangements regarding them affect your partner should be a fundamental aspect of any relationship after you've had children.

Sure, she knew he had a child. But that doesn't mean she should never be able to express any feelings about how that affects her life to her partner.

100%

If my partner had said to me what you said to him, it would have raised major red flags to me I'm afraid. I probably would have responded 'yup, that's right, my son comes first. If you don't like that, fess up now, it's a shame you didn't sooner tbh, because we need to see whether it's worth continuing this relationship.'

“I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more”

Could this possibly be a case of buyers remorse ?

@SpaceshiptoMars

@SandyY2K
Past a certain age, most men have children! If you want a relationship in your sunset years, that limitation brings up other problems.

I hear you, but then one needs to accept this as a downside of unfortunately not having found a partner when they were younger or if they had a relationship, which didn't work out for what ever reason, then the dating pool reduces when one is older... which is why I never understand childfree women in their 20s and early 30s doing it.

A number of things reduce one's options in relationships, including age, weight, attractiveness, finances/wealth.....it's a matter of acceptance.

Many stepmothers start out as childless stepmums. So not only are they dealing with a bunch of complete strangers on a live-in basis, but they are also trying to grow their parenting wings at the same time.

So - "you knew what you were getting into" - er, no. Did you, before you gave birth to your children, have any clue? Imagine the same children landing on your doorstep for the first time as hostile teenagers.

Well yes (asides from how painful labour would be) I did know that in having kids, I was in for sleepless nights and that my social life couldn't be as spontaneous as before. When I was childfree, I could get a call at 11pm that there was a party and I'd shower, get dressed and go. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that with a child and I knew that. It's a massive life change and I didn't take it lightly.

Luckily my kids have gone through the teen years ...youngest is 18 and never been hostile towards me. If I ended up in a relationship with someone who had a hostile teenager, I'd be gone or live separately, as I don't need to subject myself to that kind of thing.

I recall myself as a kid/teen and I'm not unrealistic in expecting perfection from kids. Some of the complaining I see from some SPs makes me think, they forget what it was like to be a kid. It's like they were the absolute perfect kids themselves.

I was reading another forum and the stepdad was upset his SS had put the final piece in his (Stepdad's) jigsaw puzzle. Talk about petty.

I see a lot of SPs moaning about teen stepkids spending time in their rooms...that's typical teen behaviour.

Parenting isn't a walk in the park...kids take a lot of your time and dating a man or woman with kids....means a very different relationship to one without kids.
It's common sense IMO.

Of course, it's very different if you have a stepchild who started our being nice, but turns into a terror..you wouldn't be able to predict that...but in some cases with SPs, the complaint is about the mere existence of the SC and how it's so much nicer when they're not there.

Even when the kid only comes over EOW...how many people who want a child would agree to it if they were told they'd only see the child 8 days a month? It's such a low amount yet it seems such a huge inconvenience to SMs in many cases and I'm not referring to the OP, who is just talking about bank holidays.

But I do think it’s quite normal to find one element of a relationship difficult, whilst still continuing with that relationship? I used to find DSS a bit difficult at times, but never thought about leaving DH. And I think this is the OP’s position and she just wanted to vent?

If a relatively new partner said to me, ‘ your kids are going to be hanging around every BH weekend’

...that would be massive red flag territory.

I would not be ‘empathising’ with, or ‘accommodating’ him.

I don’t think any half decent mother would. So why should a father be expected to?

I would find it more than a bit pathetic, and repellent, if I’m honest.

So maybe when becoming parents or engaging with parents we may not know with certainty what lies ahead, but if we are a reasonably intelligent person , we are far from clueless.

Even if you have, like me, been raised by a step-parent, it doesn't mean you are aware of all potential hazards of the job. When I discussed some problems I was having with the dsc with my dsm, we ended up having a real heart to heart as she described some of her early problems. Quite different to mine, because my dsc were already over 18 when my role began and my dsm took us on when we were small.

I described the 'failure to launch' situation I was struggling with and she just looked at me in horror and said 'what are you going to do about it?'

It's called parenthood. I seem to be typing this a lot - you chose someone with a child, children grow up then you get more me time (unless they have sn, then it's even longer) I got perhaps 5 days away from my kids in 10 years, that's normal