Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

@custardbear

If he 'didn't get it' then he's a decent person - anyone who finds their own child a burden or would like a day without them when they don't even live there has poor parental values - children will and should come first - you get plenty of time with him on your own. Perhaps the child/children would counter that with 'when am I going to get some quality dad time without his girlfriend being there' Put yourself in their place. Also, children come first, every time

Agree with with. As a step parent, and a step child, I can see this from both perspectives.

There were loads of times I would have loved to just spend time with my parent without my step parent around - as lovely as they were to me. I'd have relished some time without them present every now and then. But it didn't happen so I got on with it, just as most step children have to. Just remember your DPs child has no choice but to be around you, whether they like it or not.

I commented because when I was growing up, I regularly felt ‘shuffled’ around like a bloody deck of cards because my dad’s girlfriend, not even someone who was a stepmother or serious live-in partner, regularly had the audacity to make it clear that when my dad had his children around, it would eat into their quality time together. There were times when I wanted her to fuck off herself so I might have some quality time with my dad, but I didn’t, I put up with it because that was the arrangement. It still grates years later though.

That's nice that you and your partner will get to spend more time with his little boy who will also benefit.

@Coffeepot72
Your post reaches the essence of the problem. The OP is looking at this situation from the vantage point of "other peoples children" and rightly so. Her partner ,however. Is looking at this from the vantage point of ," this is my child and not others peoples child. "

They are each right in their perspectives and if they cannot reach a mutually agreeable compromise their relationship will suffer the consequences.

If you want alone time, does it really matter if it a regular weekend or a bank holiday? Is it the labeling of the day more important than the actual time availability? Is your partner less loveable on a weekend vs on a bank holiday ?

@Coffeepot72

OP, I totally feel your pain. When DSS was younger (he's an adult now) we only had him on Bank Holidays if it was already "our" weekend, so we ended up with a mix. It wasn't easy though - the usual arrangement was EOW plus Wednesday night, so if he stayed with us on a Bank Holiday, he'd go home that night and be back again on Wednesday .......

And I've heard every cliche under the sun - about how I knew what I was getting into, that I had to suck it up etc etc. But it's hard.

Its universally accepted that in-laws are a challenge, but we're not allowed to apply this thinking to other people's children.

I agree.

I also think it's really sad that people don't think step-parents should express or even have feelings that aren't delight at having the children in their lives.

Just because people may struggle with certain elements of being in a relationship with someone with kids, it doesn't mean they wish the kids didn't exist, or that they don't like them and care for them or don't bend over backwards for them when they're around.

OP in this scenario hasn't even demanded her partner doesn't have his child, she is expressing her own disappointment at not being able to enjoy a long weekend with her partner in the way that most others do get to. She isn't a bad person for wishing she sometimes got a bank holiday just with her other half!

@LaceyBetty

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

Most people don't get into relationships and assume the ex will die/get imprisoned. Cross that bridge when it comes to it. But when two parents are still able to be involved it is reasonable to expect some child free time together.

I should add though that I don't think OP should have complained to her OH and I think they get lots of time as it is without his son.

But when two parents are still able to be involved it is reasonable to expect some child free time together.

But OP does have free time with her DP. And even if he had his DC full time- they can use babysitters or grandparents if available and willing.

@Youseethethingis

Also, children come first, every time Not if you want to stay married they don’t. Including your own.

I was about to say this. It benefits children for the marriage to be happy.

UhtredRagnarson yes see my next post.

OP. I too agree that it is pointless and not very helpful to see that you knew what you were getting when you chose a partner with children.

I think that it is far more accurate to say that you knew what you were not getting when you chose a partner with children.

You knew for instance that you were not getting a man whose time availability, and resources were not already encumbered. You were not getting a man who was free to make plans and decisions on a whim, etc.

You could though hope that his positives outweighed his preexisting obligations and commitments.

As a shift worker the whole concept of one day being more special than another passes me by completely these days!! I kind of get it though. It's an extra little bonus day so I kind of get that a step parents enjoyment of this could be understandably tarnished by having it as an extra parenting day, if they don't fully enjoy the parenting aspect anyway.

Having said I understand it (the feelings) though, I do also think you just have to sick it up and be grateful for a man who's stepping up to his parental commitment.

Please don't sick it up lol. That was meant to say SUCK it up 🤣

Why does having a child with you, make any difference to a MAY bank holiday.? very odd way to be thinking,

Why does having a child with you, make any difference to a May Bank Holiday

Erm, why does having your mother-in-law with you, make any difference to a May Bank Holiday? Try that for a question and see what responses you get

@1forAll74

Why does having a child with you, make any difference to a MAY bank holiday.? very odd way to be thinking,

It might if you had wanted to go away for the long weekend (and it wasn't your contact weekend Friday-Sunday).

Why is it so hard for some posters to accept that some people find other people's children a bit tricky????

@Coffeepot72

I don't think that it is difficult for anyone understand finding other people 's children a bit tricky. I think the issue is that the partner with the children do not think if them as other people's children, and does not wish them to be viewed that way in the context of their relationships.

If it were as up front as viewing other people's children a bit tricky, the OP could say outright to her partner "I view your children as a bit tricky."

Rarely are new partner willing to be that up front and honest out of fear of damaging the fledgling relationship. If you don't begin with honesty , you do not end with an honest and open relationship.

You end up being honest with internet strangers rather than with your partner.

@1forAll74

Why does having a child with you, make any difference to a MAY bank holiday.? very odd way to be thinking,

Why is May in capitals? . Would it make more difference to the August bank holiday?

I don't think that it is difficult for anyone understand finding other people 's children a bit tricky. I think the issue is that the partner with the children do not think if them as other people's children, and does not wish them to be viewed that way in the context of their relationships.

I think people are finding it difficult to understand, otherwise there wouldn't be such a lack of empathy in the majority of responses.

It's not like people are saying "ah yes, that's a bit rubbish for you, we get it, but what can you do, it's his son and that's the contact pattern". They are laying into OP purely for being disappointed she never gets to enjoy a bank holiday as a couple with her partner. Which to me says they don't really appreciate what it's like to have your life largely revolve around a child that isn't yours.

It might if you had wanted to go away for the long weekend (and it wasn't your contact weekend Friday-Sunday).

And don't forget this is the case for OP even outside of bank holidays, since her DP has his son every Monday-Wednesday.

@Bibidy

It might if you had wanted to go away for the long weekend (and it wasn't your contact weekend Friday-Sunday).

And don't forget this is the case for OP even outside of bank holidays, since her DP has his son every Monday-Wednesday.

But surely this is the same for any parent whether resident or non resident. If you want a weekend away you would have to sort childcare or swap days etc. Even in 2 parent families there would need to be some consideration to what would happen with the children if you had a weekend away. To be fair tho, I think most people would plan child friendly weekends and take the children.

But surely this is the same for any parent whether resident or non resident.

But the OP is not a parent.

@FishyFriday

But surely this is the same for any parent whether resident or non resident.

But the OP is not a parent.

But he is and that's the point. Of course he has to arrange his life around his child. This is all very simple. Not quite sure how people don't get this.

But surely this is the same for any parent whether resident or non resident. If you want a weekend away you would have to sort childcare or swap days etc. Even in 2 parent families there would need to be some consideration to what would happen with the children if you had a weekend away. To be fair tho, I think most people would plan child friendly weekends and take the children.

But as Fishy said above, OP is not a parent so surely people can understand why it's not her ideal to spend all of the bank holidays with her DP's son and not get to enjoy any just the 2 of them?

It's not to say OP doesn't enjoy time spent with her DP's son as well, but I can completely understand why she's disappointed that every bank holiday Monday will be spent probably doing something child-friendly and not massively enjoyable for her.

Everyone looks forward to bank holidays when they work all week, but obviously I look forward to them more when they fall on my weekends with DP rather than our weekends with the children. Not that we don't still have a nice time with the children but bank holidays with them are usually spent at the playground or at a farm or at softplay. It's nice to have a mix of some with them and some just us 2.