Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

Even if you have, like me, been raised by a step-parent, it doesn't mean you are aware of all potential hazards of the job.

Maybe not all the potential hazards, but having your stepson on holiday Mondays isn't what most would call a hazard or is certainly a foreseeable one.

“You chose someone with a child”
“You knew he had a child”
“You knew what you were getting into”
🙄
“He chose someone without a child”
“He knew she didn’t have a child”
“He knew what he was getting into”

@Youseethethingis

“You chose someone with a child” “You knew he had a child” “You knew what you were getting into” 🙄 “He chose someone without a child” “He knew she didn’t have a child” “He knew what he was getting into”

Not following this. What has he done wrong here? Seems like his biggest crime is having his child around too much for the OP's liking and disappointing her when he's not overly sympathetic about her bank holiday woes.

Yeah I don’t really get the whole bank holiday issue either to be honest, I just get sick of the general argument that if a person has a child they get to just not have any consideration for their partner.

@Youseethethingis

“You chose someone with a child” “You knew he had a child” “You knew what you were getting into” 🙄 “He chose someone without a child” “He knew she didn’t have a child” “He knew what he was getting into”

What’s your point?

He’s not the one sad-facing and complaining.

@Youseethethingis

Yeah I don’t really get the whole bank holiday issue either to be honest, I just get sick of the general argument that if a person has a child they get to just not have any consideration for their partner.

Nobody’s saying he shouldn’t have any consideration for her.

But if you get into a relationship with a parent, you’re inevitably going to be deprioritised. Probably a lot. More than is ‘fair’. If you don’t like it, then....

Everyone has choices in life.

@LaceyBetty

Even if you have, like me, been raised by a step-parent, it doesn't mean you are aware of all potential hazards of the job.

Maybe not all the potential hazards, but having your stepson on holiday Mondays isn't what most would call a hazard or is certainly a foreseeable one.

I get the impression that the OP is quite young, maybe 20s. And that the relationship is fairly new. If so, it is up to her dp, the actual parent, to prepare her better for the realities. Lovely for the dad to acquire a young childless partner, but not necessarily fair to take her youth in this way.

I remember a thread where the OP had moved in with her boyfriend who had a cat. She didn't like the cat and wanted it gone.

It was repeatedly pointed out that she knew he had a cat when she got with him.

Bizarre that when it's the partners flesh and blood inconveniencing the OP a few days per year, people are so quick to say "oh, but he knew..."

@Checkingout811

Sorry OP I really don’t understand the issue here ?

You knew your DP had a son when you met him I assume?

BINGO!!!

Why do people think this is a helpful or intelligent comment? It's not.

@TrustTheGeneGenie about as intelligent as it is to get together with a man who has a child when you don’t want any around....

@Youseethethingis

Yeah I don’t really get the whole bank holiday issue either to be honest, I just get sick of the general argument that if a person has a child they get to just not have any consideration for their partner.

I don’t understand how he isn’t having consideration for his partner by having a contact schedule with his child?

[quote Checkingout811]@TrustTheGeneGenie about as intelligent as it is to get together with a man who has a child when you don’t want any around....[/quote]
Except she's never said she doesn't want any around

She's quite literally talking about s handful of days a year.

About as intelligent as that bullshit comment.

So why is it such an issue if it’s only a handful of days a year? She gets every other weekend with him?

I don’t understand how he isn’t having consideration for his partner by having a contact schedule with his child?
As I said, In the absence of any more information from the OP, I don’t know what the problem here is either. As I then went on to say, I have a problem with “oh but you knew he had kids” as an argument in general on these threads because it never seems to go both ways (surely he knew she was expecting to be important in his life, too?) and it’s used as some sort of super clever trump card to justify all sorts of shitty behaviour.

@Checkingout811

So why is it such an issue if it’s only a handful of days a year? She gets every other weekend with him?

Perhaps they're special days to her? Who knows but shouting her down because "she knew he had kids" is pathetic and unhelpful.

@SpaceshiptoMars
I don't think that being aware that a parent might be unable to get away often for bank holidays quite qualifies as being aware of the hazards of the job or relationship.
The same thing could easily be an issue if you were dating a physician, fireman, police officer, nurse, or paramedic.

Somethings are tied to responsibilities both parenting or professional. I think that is not unreasonable to expect your dating partner to be capable of being forward thinking enough to be aware of the responsibilities and obligations that come with certain roles.

I would be totally off put by someone whose need for a getaway was expected to take priority over my existing obligations. I might understand them being disappointed that we could not getaway together at a given time , but I would expect them to be mature enough not to mention an obvious part of my everyday responsibility as though it were a problem.

This situation would be common to people in a variety of professions ,and they could be childless couples. Would the complaint then be that you prioritize your career, profession, or job before me?

it never seems to go both ways (surely he knew she was expecting to be important in his life, too?)

But that makes no sense because she is getting alone time with him for half the time. His child isn’t getting the same alone time with him as the OP is getting. So where is the idea that she isn’t important to him coming from?

and it’s used as some sort of super clever trump card to justify all sorts of shitty behaviour.

And I don’t think you get to apply that here. There’s nothing here to say he has done anything shitty. He’s having his child on his scheduled contact days and OP doesn’t like that some of those days are days she will be off work.

It can be difficult but maybe your partner can compromise as maybe when his son is old you can reschedule a Monday bank holiday once a year?

You knew your DP had a son when you met him I assume?

BINGO!!! hmm

Why do people think this is a helpful or intelligent comment? It's not.

If I knowingly entered a relationship with someone in the military, then complained that they were always away...a logical comment would be I knew or should have known his job would mean he's frequently away. That cannot be a surprise or something to complain about.

It also reminds me of a friends relative who decided he was divorcing his wife because she was overweight. Yes, she was big (about 26 stones), but she was when he married her and she hadn't got any bigger.

What doesn't seem make sense, is not foreseeing that being in a relationship with a man who has a child will restrict your alone time.

BINGO!!!

Why do people think this is a helpful or intelligent comment? It's not.

It’s not helpful because she’s ensconced in the situation and it is what it is.

But it’s such an obvious, obvious question - for the many reasons others have already outlined.

The OP didn’t go into this with her eyes closed. Presumably.

For me, it’s not even the disappointment at the realisation. It’s not even expressing the disappointment (although I think that’s somewhat tasteless). It’s her expecting him to also be disappointed, and then being even further disappointed when he’s not!

Again - if this was my partner, saying it about my kids, I’d find it more than a bit 🙄

But if you marry a fireman/policeman, then his rota is dictated by the job, it's not negotiable. However an access visiting/rota is allegedly negotiated by both parents, ie the DH should have some say in it. It's also something that should surely be allowed to flex occasionally?

So a strict work rota and an access rota are not quite the same thing.

@SandyY2K

You knew your DP had a son when you met him I assume?

BINGO!!! hmm

Why do people think this is a helpful or intelligent comment? It's not.

If I knowingly entered a relationship with someone in the military, then complained that they were always away...a logical comment would be I knew or should have known his job would mean he's frequently away. That cannot be a surprise or something to complain about.

It also reminds me of a friends relative who decided he was divorcing his wife because she was overweight. Yes, she was big (about 26 stones), but she was when he married her and she hadn't got any bigger.

What doesn't seem make sense, is not foreseeing that being in a relationship with a man who has a child will restrict your alone time.

So Sandy, if your partner was in the military then, and you did feel down about him being away from time to time, and you spoke to a friend and said "I'm just feeling really shit at the moment, I'm really missing DP and wish he was going to be here to enjoy X with me", and your friend just replies "Well you knew he was in the military so just suck it up.......that's OK is it??

That is all OP has done here. She is disappointed and has expressed that, and the above is essentially what's been said to her. It's just unkind and unnecessary.

I feel like people on here talk about step-parent relationships as if the step-parent is the only one who wants to be in the relationship. Presumably the dad also wants to be with OP, so it could reasonably be assumed that he might be willing to compromise on some things.

OP has asked what other people's arrangements are re bank holidays to gauge what other step-families do. About 3 of us have told her and the rest of the comments are just a huge pile on.

You would presumably be able to say to your partner in the armed forces that you were feeling a bit down that he was being deployed for ages. Or even that you wished he weren't.

And you'd expect him to be sympathetic.

It's not asking him to quit his job or to change anything. It's just the ability to tell your partner how you feel about something.

But, apparently, if a stepparent expresses any hint that actually they'd like, once in a while, to have a bank holiday with just their partner, then they're some sort of monster who should be shown the door immediately. Why on Earth should parents be so bloody touchy about anything related to their children?

Sometimes, as a parent, I feel that I can't be bothered and would like a weekend where I got a lie in. Expressing that doesn't mean I want rid of my child or don't love him. It's just how I feel about early mornings. If I feel that way, then it's ridiculous for me to be aghast if an adult who isn't the child's parent expresses their own preference for being able to sleep in on a Sunday occasionally and act like they told me to abandon my child or something.