Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

@UhtredRagnarson

It is a massive thing to ask and expect of somebody.

It’s not being asked and expected though. You make it sound like the DP randomly asked the OP to be his girlfriend as a favour. He’s a father, she knew that, and decided to date him. He didn’t ask her to.

Disagree.

He knows OP doesn't have a child as much as she knows he does have one. Compromise is needed for a relationship to work under these circumstances.

My DP has 2 children and yet still appreciates that it's nice to have some bank holiday weekends just the 2 of us sometimes too. He understands that him having children means our relationship isn't what it would necessarily be if he didn't have them, and he appreciates that my life would be different if I was with someone without children - but we want to be together and so we both compromise so it works. It's not a bad thing.

Both sides need to have understanding, not just the childless party.

Rather than piling in with the usual evil stepmother tropes, maybe we could try to figure out why the OP feels this way about the bank holidays. And actually help her with the issues she has.

Or is that not as much fun as telling her that she knew what she was getting into and how dare she ever mention to her partner than she might like a bank holiday weekend with just him?

Also, OP has her SC around every other weekend and half of every week, it's not like she's not doing her bit!! I think it's more than fair to split the bank holidays so they have half with SC and half without.

Not to mention SC must never get a bank holiday with his mother either.

He knows OP doesn't have a child as much as she knows he does have one. Compromise is needed for a relationship to work under these circumstances.

I think having half the week and EOW child free with someone who is a parent is a pretty damn good compromise.

DH and I have our children every weekend and every bank holiday as well as every day in the week too. We don't have family able to look after them and we aren't separated so any together time on our own is very rare.

I sometimes actually envy the every other weekend arrangements separated parents have. I do appreciate though that there are lots of additional challenges too.

He understands that him having children means our relationship isn't what it would necessarily be if he didn't have them, and he appreciates that my life would be different if I was with someone without children

This is a really telling statement.

Not to mention SC must never get a bank holiday with his mother either.

Christmas, New Years, Easter?

I thought not. Well I doubt the OP will be back anyway. Because why on Earth would you when no one cares why you feel this way or what life is like when the DSC are in your house or anything other than telling you that you're wrong.

This isn't AIBU.

@UhtredRagnarson

He knows OP doesn't have a child as much as she knows he does have one. Compromise is needed for a relationship to work under these circumstances.

I think having half the week and EOW child free with someone who is a parent is a pretty damn good compromise.

But that isn't anything to do with OP, presumably that's an arrangement between the parents and nothing to do with OP's preferences.

Also I don't know what you mean with your other 'telling statement' comment. My DP is a great father and loves the time he spends with his kids, we do lots together as a 4 and all get on really well. We have been together almost 6 years and are happy. And part of the reason why is because he appreciates how much I do for and with his children when they are not mine and I don't have any of my own. He is a realist and knows it can be tough to be a step-parent. There is nothing wrong with either of us.

@UhtredRagnarson

Not to mention SC must never get a bank holiday with his mother either.

Christmas, New Years, Easter?

Christmas presumably is alternated rather than being treated as a 'normal' bank holiday? Same can be said for NY in a lot of situations.

But yes, SC may get Good Friday with his other parent.

But that isn't anything to do with OP, presumably that's an arrangement between the parents and nothing to do with OP's preferences.

But she still gets the benefit of being child free with a parent for half the time. So that’s good for her. Are you seriously saying her partner (and his ex, and DC as a result) should compromise more with an arrangement she makes just so that she feels like he has compromised for her? To placate her? Like a child?

Also I don't know what you mean with your other 'telling statement' comment.

Because it really comes across like “oh if only we didn’t have the children”

@Lindy2

DH and I have our children every weekend and every bank holiday as well as every day in the week too. We don't have family able to look after them and we aren't separated so any together time on our own is very rare.

I sometimes actually envy the every other weekend arrangements separated parents have. I do appreciate though that there are lots of additional challenges too.

They are your own children. This is not OPs own child. You really can't see the difference here????

And I know you’ll disagree with that, but it is how it comes across.

You have EOW together.

Incredibly weird thread. Not sure you're cut out for step parenting

@UhtredRagnarson

But that isn't anything to do with OP, presumably that's an arrangement between the parents and nothing to do with OP's preferences.

But she still gets the benefit of being child free with a parent for half the time. So that’s good for her. Are you seriously saying her partner (and his ex, and DC as a result) should compromise more with an arrangement she makes just so that she feels like he has compromised for her? To placate her? Like a child?

Also I don't know what you mean with your other 'telling statement' comment.

Because it really comes across like “oh if only we didn’t have the children”

Yes obviously I will disagree with that as I don't think that is how it comes across - my meaning, which I think was pretty clear(!) - is that my DP is appreciative of the fact that in being with him my life is different than if i was with someone without children, and so he is mindful of that. This is all.

Usually the contact arrangements for holidays are made outside of the usual contact days.

I presume if the child's Mum goes on holiday with her son and it falls on the Dad's usual w/e then they rearrange things.
Likewise the other way round.

Can't you do that for Bank Holidays as well?
Many of the BHs fall over school holidays (though I don't know if the boy is at school) so they may well fall in a full week that his son is with him or not with him.

Maybe enjoy time together as a couple on his free weekends and use the bank holidays for some fun on your own or with a friend?

You will always come second to his child and that's how it should be I'm afraid.

To me Bank Holiday Mondays are no different from every Saturday/Sunday.

However if it bothers you could he maybe go for a sleepover at his DFs parents or siblings maybe one time? I used to love staying with my grandparents.

All the UK bank holidays bar the early May one are during school holidays. To be equitable, why not split school holidays so that each parent has a similar share of the bank holidays. Makes holiday planning easier. Would the child's DM be up for that?

If he 'didn't get it' then he's a decent person - anyone who finds their own child a burden or would like a day without them when they don't even live there has poor parental values - children will and should come first - you get plenty of time with him on your own.
Perhaps the child/children would counter that with 'when am I going to get some quality dad time without his girlfriend being there'
Put yourself in their place. Also, children come first, every time

OP, most people who have children don't have bank holidays or most other holidays without their children and their lives are not damaged by this.

Surely. when your partner became a parent, he expected that going forward his child would be a part of all of his holiday experiences.

You have many opportunities to be alone, the bank holidays will just no longer be one of those opportunities.

Well, you don't necessarily have to have him on the bank holiday. Your DP could organise childcare for him or ask his mum if it might be possible to swap days if the two of you want to do something. All this means is that your DP is the default parent for Mondays, including bank holidays, and so has to make alternative arrangements if he wants a child-free day, just as the child's mum has to do for the other days.

OP, I totally feel your pain. When DSS was younger (he's an adult now) we only had him on Bank Holidays if it was already "our" weekend, so we ended up with a mix. It wasn't easy though - the usual arrangement was EOW plus Wednesday night, so if he stayed with us on a Bank Holiday, he'd go home that night and be back again on Wednesday .......

And I've heard every cliche under the sun - about how I knew what I was getting into, that I had to suck it up etc etc. But it's hard.

Its universally accepted that in-laws are a challenge, but we're not allowed to apply this thinking to other people's children.

Wow I hope my dh doesn't feel pain having my dc around ft...

Also, children come first, every time
Not if you want to stay married they don’t. Including your own.