Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

[user47000000000]

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

Tell her to put it in writing.

I wouldn't be 'sitting down' with her under these circumstances, but I would ask her to put whatever she wants to say in writing, so that you can read it and respond.

That way, you have opened the lines of communication without having to expose yourself to being blindsided if you're right about what she really wants to do with her chat.

If her letter is nothing but raking over old ground and perceived sleights, and digs at you, then it's much easier to reply with 'I've heard your feelings on this, and I apologise if you feel my actions contributed. Now we need to put this behind us and move forward - how do we do that, in your opinion?'

Keep to letters via Dad until there's positive communication.

If/when it is more productive, you can move into an actual conversation in person.

Ultimately, she's a child, yes, but she's not a little girl and you do have the right to have security and boundaries in your own home.

Take dh up on his offer to take the kids out at the weekend.
When he comes back maybe he can cook for them.
You don't have to live with disrespect in your own home.

I do agree the DH needs to step up and support.

However my stepmom was wonderful and so i am undoubtably biased.