Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

153 replies

user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 06:44

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 28/04/2021 06:47

Things will get better as she gets older hopefully but if you aren't happy with her around then you have to leave. Shes not going anywhere as it's her home too.

Pinpointer · 28/04/2021 06:48

I’d talk to her but if she brings up the past where you called her out on her bad behaviour or she continues the lying and manipulating I’d not be having contact with her.
Whether that means having DH facilitate contact elsewhere or you leave for a night for her to visit is up to yourself and DH.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 06:52

Yes, the last time she was here I was in that place and trying to be positive and we then found out she’d had loads of sleepovers and get togethers with mates (at their homes with their front line nhs working parents) at the height of the pandemic. I was very angry about her knowingly putting us all at risk and agreeing with her mum they’d lie about it. That incident now in her head is me being mean about her mum (I said she was unbelievably selfish) so it’ll always be the same :(

OP posts:
Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 28/04/2021 06:52

I’m a step mum to an 11 year old with a mother who loves drama, so I fiest want to say, I know where you’re coming from.

But...

Take a moment to re-read and reflect on your post, specificily, look how much power you’re giving away to other (DSD, your partner, DSDs mum). The key I have found to dealing with similar is to remember that no one has the power to make you feel any particular thing and your emotions are in your control. You have choices.

I would suggest that first younsit down with your DP and agree between you how you are going to jointly deal with different sceanarios. And also to have a stock of key phrases to deal with them.

My favourites are:
Thats nice dear
I don’t agree with you
When you’re here, the rules are x y z, you don’t have to like it but that’s what they are.

And repeat.

It’s tiring and I understand the stress increases in the build up to a visit. It’s helped me to also remember that I can’t change DSS or his mum but I can change how I let it affect me.

Snowwhite83 · 28/04/2021 06:53

Hi op,
Sorry ur going through this. SD sounds like a right brat. Why should you have to be lectured by a 14 year old? I would say to ur husband u are ready to move forward but ur not willing to be alone with her and can we have a chat as a family so you have witnessses incase she kicks off. Tell ur husband you need support too.

HowBest2Invest · 28/04/2021 06:54

Maybe you would both benefit from some mediation or family counselling?

My mum and I had a really difficult time over my teenage years. It has caused nearly two decades of hurt and ill-feeling. We are starting counselling next week and I only wish we had done it sooner.

HowBest2Invest · 28/04/2021 06:55

And remember that it takes two people to have an arguement. As PP said, don't be drawn into it.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 28/04/2021 06:58

So using the covid example:

She believes you’re being mean about here
You don’t believe you at ending mean about her mum.

Ok DSD we Don’t have to agree on that so let’s move on.

Also think about consequences, why does it matter (to you, I know why it matter to her) if she thinks you’re mean about her mum? What is she going to do? Except sulk about it. Let her believe it and get on with your life without stressing about it.

I’ve found “ok” is also a great argument stopper to the “my mum says blah blah blah” theme.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 06:59

That is great advice on not being drawn into it and thanks for understanding.

I think not being alone with her is good advice: I don’t want to be. She’s such a negative person.

As for counselling.... Honestly I just don’t want to give it any more energy, money etc. I feel a bit “not my circus, not my monkeys” about them

OP posts:
Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 07:04

I could cry just finding people who understand x

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 07:09

If you part own your home I don’t see why you HAVE to have her at your house.
You should be able to protect yourself from her in your own home.
I don’t see that she HAS to come to your house, her dad can take her out like mine did.

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 07:10

Yes, I do own the home jointly with DH.

We have kids together and I guess he’ll say she wants to know them... which I think is fair....

He has said he’ll take her out but in a “well then I’ll take them out and not be here for half the weekends if you’re not comfortable having her here” so it just feels very unsupportive

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 28/04/2021 07:12

Op I've lost count of the number of times my madam of a SD tried to puppeteer people around her. We wasted so much energy trying to strategise and none of it worked.

Except. As other people have said acknowledging and moving on. You don't have to roll over and take it but if she says "but you xxxxx" then the stock response is now "ok, let's move on".

I had one particularly heated debate with my SD early in lockdown that I told her at the start of the conversation I was going to record on my phone for my own recollection of the discussion. That seemed to do a treat on limiting the threats and manipulation

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 07:18

That’s interesting dolly. So would you suggest having this talk with her but not actually voicing anything. I’m not sure I can sit and be told off by a 14 yr old Sad

I am feeling very alone so I really do appreciate the replies

OP posts:
HowBest2Invest · 28/04/2021 07:22

I don't 100% disagree with you on the "not m circus, not my monkeys", but how does your DH feel about that sentiment? It is his circus and his monkeys. I wouldn't want her to cause any (further) stress between you and him, ideally you need to be on the same page with the same approach. If he's ok with taking her out more as PP suggested then maybe try it....I'm just aware that as his daughter she will likely be in your life to some degree or another forever. Is this approach really workable longterm? Some people (me included) go through really horrific teenage years and then come out the other side much more mature and able to reflect on their behaviour. If you could get the relationship to a point where it functioned better it might be less stressful in the long run. Feel free to disagree with me, but I think you might just store up problems for the future, she will see it as a rejection and possibly your DHs grandkids will be told you're a terrible person and have pushed them away etc. I'm not saying those things are true, but I do wonder if trying to sort things now would be of greater overall benefit.

It's no excuse, of course, but is she very angry about something? Does she think you broke up her parents marriage? Perhaps she could benefit from some individual counselling even if you aren't going to try medication or family therapy. It's a pity your husbands ex isn't being civil, it sounds like she's the root of a lot of this.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2021 07:23

Does your dh mean you should sit there and be told off for imagined misdemeanours? That is in no way a child’s role, or a parent or a stepparent. I’d talk to dh about his expectations, have the talk together taking the ok we will have to disagree on that, but remember it is our house our rules even if you disagree. Let’s move on.
Not sitting there and getting harangued.

Radio4Rocks · 28/04/2021 07:26

Don't be alone with her. She already has too much power. You and DH need to claim it back. He needs to step up and tell her how it's going to be.

Dollyparton3 · 28/04/2021 07:27

I did, over the phone. SD tried 3 times to brush past it after she'd been rude to me. I said I needed to speak with her and her reply was "we can have a chat next week before the BBQ (it was between lockdown 2 and lockdown 3 I think and we were having some friends over)

There was no chance in hell I was going to sit and fume in my own home with things having not been resolved so I replied that things needed to be talked through before I was comfortable letting her in our home again.

Then I wrote down all the points I wanted to make and spoke with her on the phone. I even wrote a huge note at the top saying "empathise, but don't rise to it" i.e I'm sorry you feel that way, onto the next point"

As others have said, she can sulk and strop all she wants but she should learn to manage her bad moods and not take it out on everyone else. If you give her limited air time to openly discuss it then it might help.

HowBest2Invest · 28/04/2021 07:27

Try to remember that she's a child who has been through her parents splitting up and is currently at a developmental phase that a lot of teenagers go through and that often involves behaviour like this. She is also likely to be a different person if she wasn't so heavily influenced by her mum.

I'm not standing in her defence, just trying to help you see her a bit differently.

I suspect she knows how much her behaviour triggers you and enjoys the response. Don't give her the satisfaction of being roped in.

TheUndoingProject · 28/04/2021 07:28

Why are you viewing this discussion her getting to tell you off?

If she wants to move forward positively then surely she needs to understand your perspective and the impact her behaviour had on you? If she wants a discussion then give her one.

Beamur · 28/04/2021 07:31

It's a divide and conquer technique. She's 14, so in all fairness, unlikely to have had some epiphany where she genuinely wants to forget and forgive. Although she does feel she has important things to say to you.
I wouldn't agree to this either.
Maybe a more conciliatory move would be for her Dad to ask her to write a letter to the both of you? Make it clear there are no side conversations happening here. What gets said is said to you both. You can then talk about an issues arising as a family.
Your DH shouldn't take sides as such, but his role supporting you and his role as your husband shouldn't be at loggerheads.

DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 07:34

Let him take the kids out for the weekends, see how long that lasts !

GingerScallop · 28/04/2021 07:35

Being a step child and a teen must be really hard. Can you just listen to her? Whatever she wants to talk about. You don't have to defend, respond or given it deep thought. Sometimes listening makes a huge difference. Sometimes it doesn't. But all I can think of is she's 14. What would you have done if she was your 14 year old?
I wasn't a step child but at 14 I probably wasn't an angel at 14.
Am sorry you are going through this

arethereanyleftatall · 28/04/2021 07:39

Were you an OW? It is relevant. If you were, and she knows, then at 14, she isn't going to like you, regardless of what you do.

Pinpointer · 28/04/2021 07:44

@arethereanyleftatall

Were you an OW? It is relevant. If you were, and she knows, then at 14, she isn't going to like you, regardless of what you do.
This isn’t remotely relevant. My stepfather was the OM and I wasn’t given a blanket excuse to lie or manipulate because I was bitter. I don’t know why the go to assumption with stepchildren is that they are only difficult if your an affair partner.

Regardless of how she became family OP is family and has children with her DF and as a result should be respected in her home.