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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

153 replies

user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 06:44

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 28/04/2021 07:44

It is mean to tell a 14 year old that her mum is unbelievably selfish. That’s not an inaccurate perception on her part.

MzHz · 28/04/2021 07:44

@user47000000000

That’s interesting dolly. So would you suggest having this talk with her but not actually voicing anything. I’m not sure I can sit and be told off by a 14 yr old Sad

I am feeling very alone so I really do appreciate the replies

I totally sympathise

You don’t want to be told off by a 14 yo.

So don’t be

Tell her that you’re going to hear what she says, you may or may not agree and that there are rules at your house and an expectation of a basic level of manners/behaviour etc

She doesn’t have to like them, but that’s how it is and you’re not going to be admonished by a teenager

And say that she’s welcome to come and see her dad, but by doing to is an acceptance of how she’s expected to conduct herself.

harknesswitch · 28/04/2021 07:48

I'd also have the meeting with her, but I'd make sure your dh is also there listening so nothing can be twisted later.

Sit and listen, you have power here, it's your house and you're the adult. Don't forget that silence is also an answer.

Have some stock answers up your sleeve.

'I don't agree with that'
'We'll have to agree to disagree on that point'

Also empathise with her, look up therapeutic parenting.

'That must make you feel sad'
'I can see you're upset'

Do not get dragged into any discussions or try and defend yourself.

What I would be doing though is agreeing some boundaries with your dh. He takes her out for x amount of time each weekend, you don't get left alone with her etc. If she's stealing also buy a safe and lock away any items of value or sentiment. Sometimes prevention is better than cure

Quincie · 28/04/2021 07:49

Can you get counselling for yourself to help prepare for the meeting - so you have some conciliatory replies up your sleeve when she starts the accusations, it's so hard otherwise to not be riled into an angry response. You know and I can guess that she sees herself as the unhappy sufferer of a bad stepmother who cruelly interferes in her life.
You have a good number of years to go until she is less dramatic.
I think you getting on with your busy and happy life is the best image for you to project (ie that she isn't getting to you) and counselling might help with that. But also help you appear supportive rather than annoyed.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/04/2021 07:51

@Pinpointer
I disagree with you, and think it's completely relevant. In a child's eyes, an OW has 'ruined' her family. Regardless of the ins and outs. The op hasn't said if she was, but my advice is to say, if she was, then step back, and allow her dh to see his child on his own.

Dollyparton3 · 28/04/2021 07:55

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@Pinpointer
I disagree with you, and think it's completely relevant. In a child's eyes, an OW has 'ruined' her family. Regardless of the ins and outs. The op hasn't said if she was, but my advice is to say, if she was, then step back, and allow her dh to see his child on his own. [/quote]
I wasn't the OW but that has born no relation to the way I've been treated as a stepmum. Her mother did however go through repeated levels of parental alienation to turn SD against her father and me. I'm not getting why the OW beating stick is out this morning

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 08:03

I wasn’t the OW

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2021 08:04

I'd have your DH there for the chat and empathise but don't take any crap. Ie "I can see how you feel about that but can you appreciate how scary the pandemic was for me at the time?" "Let's agree to move on and be kind and respectful of each other" maybe have a limited time with an activity planned for you all after. Do proper planning with DH for structure of her first few visits, who is doing what etc. it will take a while to build up trust for both of you.

HowBest2Invest · 28/04/2021 08:06

Have a look at this

www.wavetrust.org/adverse-childhood-experiences

Original poster
user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 08:07

There is lots of good advice on here thank you.

DH will say that by not having her here I’m stopping her be part of the family, which I think to an extent is true... I’ve never had any issue him taking her out with or without our children.

I like the idea of taking the power back. Giving him the responsibility of “looking after” her and saying I’m not comfortable having her in the home till I’ve heard what she has to say. Though I don’t know if this just creates more drama.

Before the most recent covid incident we were fine for 3 visits, she just came, I was polite and warm as I’d be to a friends child but just cracked on with my life and left DH to it. I think she resented not having the red carpet rolled out

OP posts:
Atalune · 28/04/2021 08:10

I think you’re letting past experience cloud your judgement here.

She might come with an acknowledgement of her behaviours. She might be contrite. You shouldn’t be so quick to feel so negative about her, you wouldn’t write off your other bio children like this.

I assume you knew your DH had children, and so this is your lot. You have to deal with her with love as well as boundaries and consequences.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 28/04/2021 08:11

I think what you have to watch is that your DH doesn't let DD get away with rude behaviour in order to have a quiet life. 14 can be a really difficult age, even without factoring in the step family angle. She's probably a mix of emotions and you are the easiest person to fix them all to. Try to remember that she is still a child and not totally responsible for what she does right now - particularly if she's living with a mum who encouraged her to lie to you both about lockdown. It creates confusion and instability for her.
That said, you don't have to accept being treated badly. I think your real problem might be your DH, who is indicating that he will pacify her at your expense. So you need to be really clear with him about shared ground rules, meeting her together and expecting him to step in if she is rude etc. That's his job as the parent.
If he won't do that, then I'd definitely call his bluff about spending most of the weekend taking her out. See how long that lasts once the weather turns and he's freezing his arse off in November!
It's not unreasonable to have rules and acceptable standards of behaviour in your own home

mrstea301 · 28/04/2021 08:14

I agree with previous posters, I think you're framing this as though you're immediately on the back foot and you don't have to be. This doesn't have to be a lecture from a 14 year old, why don't you approach it as a discussion and have your own points ready as well, in a sort of 'clear the air' approach, to see if you can reach a compromise on how to move forward. She might just be looking to be heard? And if you have things to say then this is your opportunity to raise them. Like make the points about how you don't like that she lied about the sleepovers etc, she should have been honest and you could have discussed it!

Dollyparton3 · 28/04/2021 08:16

@Atalune

I think you’re letting past experience cloud your judgement here.

She might come with an acknowledgement of her behaviours. She might be contrite. You shouldn’t be so quick to feel so negative about her, you wouldn’t write off your other bio children like this.

I assume you knew your DH had children, and so this is your lot. You have to deal with her with love as well as boundaries and consequences.

And bingo. "You knew he had a kids when you got together"

So the OP has no right to be treated with the same respect with as any other woman on the planet? Come on

MiddleParking · 28/04/2021 08:18

It sounds like you’re trying to justify not making her welcome. She’s 14, a child and your DH’s daughter.

museumum · 28/04/2021 08:24

She wants to come back but wants a discussion first. You will accept her back but seem to just want to ignore the past / her feelings / your own feelings and gloss over.

To be honest - her approach sounds more mature and healthy. I think you should have the discussion and hear her out but that doesn’t mean you have to agree with her. In fact it’s an opportunity to reinforce boundaries which is a good thing. Acknowledge her feelings but also restate your boundaries.

Beautiful3 · 28/04/2021 08:24

Think in your situation she could only come over when husbands physically there, to manage her behaviour. When she steps out of line then she gets sent home. Hopefully that will make her think twice about her behaviour. When her behaviour does improve then she could come over even if her dad isnt there. I think that's fair.

Atalune · 28/04/2021 08:27

@Dollyparton3

That’s a quick conclusion to jump to. I don’t think I or anyone else isn’t suggesting the op be treated with respect and love.

You cannot just section off a child because they are not your blood just because they are challenging. That’s so horrifically unfair. And it wouldn’t happen to bio children. This conversation wouldn’t be happening. I don’t think that’s some sort of step parent bashing bingo. It’s a shame you think that way.

As a step child myself I think I should count myself lucky my step mum loved me so much and never made me feel like less. Confused

Radio4Rocks · 28/04/2021 08:30

I worked with teenagers and 14 is hardly a "child". Some at that age are controlling and manipulative and know exactly what they are doing.

Don't let her.

MiddleParking · 28/04/2021 08:32

14 is a child. Particular behaviours don’t negate childhood.

Quincie · 28/04/2021 08:35

It is the OP that posted but is seems more that lack of boundaries by the parents is the issue. So OP is stuck in teh middle having to deal with the fallout from that and having other DCs to consider.
I was polite and warm as I’d be to a friends child but just cracked on with my life and left DH to it. I think she resented not having the red carpet rolled out
She may be very jealous of your relationship with your other children. But is unlikely to admit that. Maybe you can build bridges.

buffyp · 28/04/2021 08:40

@DinosaurDiana

If you part own your home I don’t see why you HAVE to have her at your house. You should be able to protect yourself from her in your own home. I don’t see that she HAS to come to your house, her dad can take her out like mine did.
It’s her dads home too therefore it is also her home.
Atalune · 28/04/2021 08:44

radio4rocks. You no longer work with teens? Good. Envy

Sittingonabench · 28/04/2021 09:02

There are 2 options - to distance yourself and let OH deal with it - in a perfect world you could all be a family but she has been raised with different values and you are not a parent - you are a parent figure. You are entitled to your own boundaries. The second is some hard truths - I do t think I’d do this with a 14 year old but guess it depends on her maturity. - her mother’s actions were selfish, it’s a truth she may not want to hear but it is not mean. Actions have consequences on other people etc.

Nomorescreentime · 28/04/2021 09:04

I think it would be helpful to remember that 14 year olds are quite often rude, thoughtless and disrespectful, even to their own parents! Not that it should be ignored, but if you haven't raised children to this age yourself it can be difficult to appreciate this.

I'm not a step parent but my DH is, and my teens have a step mum as well. What works well for us is to never say ANYTHING disparaging towards the other set of parents in front of the kids. Also, if my teens are rude to DH I pull them up on it more than he does. I think it would be helpful here for your DH to be dealing with any poor behaviour from your step daughter, at least until you two have a better relationship?