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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

153 replies

user47000000000 · 28/04/2021 06:44

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 29/04/2021 09:44

This whole family needs so much help, your issues with your partner are as much the issue here as the SD. It is so, so unfair of you to blame a child for what is a fairly rational response to this shitshow.

Divineswirls · 29/04/2021 09:46

What you could do as an experiment if it's not too weird is you could have a pot where you both write down what's annoyed you about each other. And when you're both feeling calm read them out and talk about it.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 09:48

@Divineswirls

It really does not sound like OPs partner would allow that level of respect for her feelings.

Divineswirls · 29/04/2021 09:48

Also if she was your DD she'd probably act the same. It's a funny old age for teens.

Divineswirls · 29/04/2021 09:57

I do feel for you OP.

I would probably find an excuse to not be around much when she's there for my own sanity and let DH do all the hard work.

LatentPhase · 29/04/2021 10:06

@kandikandi nailed this.

It’s not OP that ‘needs to be the adult’

It’s the father that ‘needs to be the parent’

Children need love and boundaries. It’s simply not ok to do the ‘love’ only, and leave the ‘boundaries’ to the SM.

That creates a drama triangle.

This is horribly complex and OP has zero power. The only options are put up/shut up/leave.

SpongebobNoPants · 29/04/2021 10:34

@OldWivesTale
And this is why she's acting as she does. She is not being accepted into the family and she knows the OP dislikes her. How do you expect a 14 year old to react to that? Do you have any emotional intelligence?

Do you have blinkers on or are you simply incapable of understanding that vile behaviour towards the adults in your life as a child is unacceptable? I’m not surprised the OP doesn’t like her at the moment, her behaviour is not very likeable.

It sounds as if she was very much accepted by the OP but due to ineffectual parenting by her actual parents has decided to focus her teenage angst at the easiest target, her stepparent.
The “she’s not the OP’s child” comment was to highlight that it is not OP’s job to fix the damage her actual parents have done and it is certainly unfair for her to be expected to be an emotional or verbal punchbag for a 14 yr old with no boundaries or respect for the OP.

SMs in particular seem to be expected to tolerate all kids of awful behaviour from their SCs simply because they are in a relationship with the child’s father. No, they absolutely do not have to put up with lies, shouting, rudeness or otherwise abusive behaviour from anybody in their lives.

I wouldn’t expect my DP to tolerate rudeness or abuse from my children, but I actually parent them correctly. The blame lies firmly with her parents and at her age her also.

If she was being rude and telling lies about another responsible adult in her life such as an aunt or a grandparent would this behaviour be accepted? I’m sure it wouldn’t. But stepmothers are often expected to shut up and put up.

OP if I were you I’d speak to DP first and air your feelings to him. Then listen to what SD has to say. Feel free to calmly interject... ask questions and query why she perceives things differently to you.
Tell her how you are feeling and that you’re keen to move past things but going forward these are your boundaries if she wants to have a relationship with you.

She’s 14, not 4. She will be more than capable of understanding that her negative behaviour will have negative consequences. Project a positiveness that you’re glad she wants to speak to you and clear the air and it will hopefully set the tone for the rest of the discussion.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 10:58

@Divineswirls

Also if she was your DD she'd probably act the same. It's a funny old age for teens.

Difference is if she was OP's DD then her husband would likely be sitting by her side telling their daughter her behaviour towards her mother was unacceptable and needed to change.

Unfortunately because she is not OP's DD, despite the poor attitude and behaviour coming from SD's direction only, OP gets told she is the one not being friendly enough, not making SD feel welcome, out of line for not wanting to sit down while SD outlined all of her issues with her...and on and on.

It may well be a funny old age for teens but that's why their parents need to help keep them in line and not let them treat people however they like.

SpongebobNoPants · 29/04/2021 11:03

@Bibidy exactly!
If she was OP’s DD then she could take practical steps to change the behaviour. But she can’t and is actively being prevented from it.

It’s a case of her being expected to treat her SC as her own child in the sense of “unconditional kindness and tolerance” but she’s not actually allowed to do anything practical to resolve the bad behaviour.

Her DP cannot have it both ways.

LatentPhase · 29/04/2021 11:11

Yes, @SpongebobNoPants the DP is wanting it both ways

Such is the lot of the step mum.

Which is why I am a ‘failed step mum’ and happy to be one in this Hobson’s choice situation. Same as OP’s.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 11:21

Well said @Bibidy

I seriously doubt that if she was OPs daughter, the response would be her DH nagging her to be nicer in response to this behaviour.

And that's notwithstanding the fact that it is NOT a given that teenagers will behave like this, at all. I behaved nothing like this. Challenging teens behave like this. People are so determined to absolve them of any responsibility for their behaviour they won't even allow acknowledgment that it is worse than average.

Taikoo · 29/04/2021 11:22

No 14 year old would be lecturing to me.
Is she just bored and looking for a good fight?

She sounds like a pain in the arse.

You also have a DH problem.

SpongebobNoPants · 29/04/2021 11:23

And I always find it disingenuous to compare the stepparents love/care for their stepchildren to those for their biological children.

I could never love any child who has 2 involved parents as I love my own. Adoption or where you have full custody I imagine is different because you get to actively parent, influence and care for the children without external interference.

The truth is I do love my SCs but my love them is conditional in the same way as the love for my DP is. My love for them is on the condition that I get treated respectfully and kindly.

If my DP stopped treating me that way then I would remove him from my life, and so along would his children go.

My love for my children is unconditional. I would take a bullet for them which is why it’s so much easier to tolerate any bad behaviour or rudeness towards me from them.

In any other walk of life you would not be expected to tolerate bad behaviour from children without being able to either cut them off or reprimand them. Only in stepparenting does this weird dichotomy of values exist.

LatentPhase · 29/04/2021 11:55

Absolutely @SpongebobNoPants

EKGEMS · 29/04/2021 13:44

There is so much projection going on this thread-like being at the movies. As usual the same old posters creating a fictional dialogue attacking the OP. How many of you would feel love and joy toward a stepchild who has lied and disrespected you for years? OP has stated she's tried the love bombing with little to no support from her husband. It sounds like the apple hasn't fallen from the tree with regards to this girl. I'd be disenchanted with him and reconsidering the relationship.

Original poster

user47000000000 · 29/04/2021 14:09

DH was deffo blind to it in the early years. He’s seen more and been more supportive in recent years. We had a good chat about it all this morning. This thread has been SO helpful so thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

user47000000000 · 29/04/2021 14:10

“In any other walk of life you would not be expected to tolerate bad behaviour from children without being able to either cut them off or reprimand them. Only in stepparenting does this weird dichotomy of values exist.“

This. Every day of the week!!

OP posts:

WinterSunglasses · 29/04/2021 14:44

I'd be inclined to propose a version of @Divineswirls approach. The three of you sit down and both you and she get time to talk about how you've felt about it all, honestly but with some ground rules: no interrupting or talking over the other person, no raised voices, no name calling. But crucially, she gets that but you also get it. And impress on your husband that if he then failed to support that and let her interrupt you or shout you down, or did so himself when you were getting the time to talk about your views of all this - then that is a serious breach of trust from him that shows he isn't prepared to play fair with you.

Atalune · 29/04/2021 14:53

In everyday of life parents do not “cut off” 14 year old daughters.

Abbycrocker · 29/04/2021 14:55

@Atalune

In everyday of life parents do not “cut off” 14 year old daughters.

OP is not her parent

Original poster

user47000000000 · 29/04/2021 14:56

Also nobody has ever cut her off.... where does it even say that.... she decided after the covid row she wasn’t coming here.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 14:57

@Atalune

In everyday of life parents do not “cut off” 14 year old daughters.

Actually lots of parents do that all the time, especially those that are separated and can send them to the other household.

But it's a false equivalency anyway as a step parent backing off (while the parent continues their relationship) is not the same thing as a parent cutting their child off.

SpongebobNoPants · 29/04/2021 15:00

@Atalune
In everyday of life parents do not “cut off” 14 year old daughters

She is not the OP’s daughter, if she were then the OP would be able to discipline as she sees fit and get any issues resolved. She isn’t her mother and isn’t being afforded that right so her options seem to be either remove herself from the situation by way of not having her SD in her company, or continue to take abuse from her without SD having any consequences for her behaviour

OP does not have to tolerate rudeness and lies from a child she has no control or parental rights over. It is down to her actual parents to instil these values which they are falling to do, thus leaving the OP with no other option.

StormBaby · 29/04/2021 15:03

I’ve been a step parent and a parent for a very long time and I have no issue reprimanding anyone’s naughty children when they’re in my care, but I decided to step right back with my drama llama stepdaughter about two years ago as I was getting told off for telling her off. She was screaming and hollering at 10pm on a campsite that she’d broken a charger and we had to go buy her a new one right now so I sent her to bed. She cried loudly for two hours and I got the blame. She’s been her dads problem ever since. 😂

He probably feels like he could do with my support, but that’s his problem for putting me in that situation. You need to be polite, civil, caring, that’s it. My stepdaughter can be smashing things up, throwing punches, stealing our stuff and money, screaming...I’ll just ignore it. I used to step in but was always the bad guy. It’s no longer a weight I carry around.

Funnily enough I’m my stepdaughters most trusted adult in her life and she knows I’ve got her back, but I’m like a cool auntie, I’m not parenting her anymore.

Lydia71 · 29/04/2021 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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