Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

[user47000000000]

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

If you get hosed with wild accusations and demands to justify your behaviour/existence etc. try the following:

Deeeeeep breath.
Follow their demand for an answer with a question. eg What, all of them? All the time? Never? Reaaaally? Or if they are wildly off the mark "Do you realize that x,y,z (hard facts negating their accusations)." "Did you know that...." (background info undermining their case)

It's very effective to keep peppering them with questions back. It punctures their balloon. If you look back over previous conversations, you can probably guess which hyped up bit of nonsense will get hurled at you. So you can take a bit of time thinking up some creative responses

@user47000000000 I can relate to your post in so many ways. I also had a toxic SD and Her mum in my life. We are now no contact due to so many crazy things that have happened in the last 2 months. The best advice I can give you is completely disengage. Be polite when she's in your home but keep her at arms length. It's not worth the stress it brings to your life and also will reflect on to your own kids if you are stressed and upset. Focus on your own kids and also don't feel bad for feeling the household functions better without SD there. I'm sure 90% of step mums feel the exact same way it's just most won't admit to it

She might be naughty and not your favourite person but with your feelings of resentment I would back off. As some say let your partner parent. If there something you don’t like ... tell your partner so that he sorts it.

Teens are hard work they are selfish and the behaviour can be challenging as they test boundaries.

I think your partner needs to step up and you distance yourself from SD

whatsontonight was SD like this with your DH or just you? Does he still see her and how is your relationship with him? (If you don’t mind me asking!)

guavafish you are right but it isn’t just since she’s been a teen. This is a kid who went to school as a 7 yr old and said I’d been hitting her. Obviously (and quite rightly) teacher took it seriously and it quickly transpired she was lying. DH told her she couldn’t tell lies like that and that if she accused people of things that weren’t true the police would get involved and if it turned out she was lying then she’d be the one in trouble.

Her mum hit the roof and said we shouldn’t have told her she would be the one in trouble with the police for telling lies. She still talks about how her dad was “bang out of order”. She has just always been desperate to cause me trouble and problems.

I get that in her eyes I am the enemy. I have done more than my fair share to help her. When I tried to get her counselling years ago her mum hit the roof and said there was o nothing wrong with her. Then 6 months later we were told by SD “well mummy really cares about me so she’s organising counselling”.... I could go on.

@user47000000000

flowers you’re right that her behaviour isn’t the only issue here. But my DH has spent years trying to talk to his Ex constructively and she’s a manipulative cow. Honestly just awful. So it’s no wonder that SD is turning out the same. Grandma is batshit crazy too.

You are a peach, carry on treating his daughter like this @user47000000000 as I will guarantee your will not be married much longer.

Some of these posts. Honestly

1. whomever thinks this sort of behaviour is ‘standard’ in teens? What a pile of rubbish. Teens are high maintenance without doubt, but this teen is being played by her mum and can play her dad. She sounds deeply manipulative and toxic. The fact that she is a teen from a divorced family is no justification.
2. Op, I’ve read all your posts. What is the ‘chat’ to do? Is her intent to actually try and reset and clear the air? Or does she think this is her chance (as a child) to read the riot act? If it’s the former - I would absolutely step up and meet her at her level and absolutely try and work with her. If it’s the latter I would get up immediately, walk away and not engage with her until she learned that she doesn’t get to tell an adult what they can/ cannot do.

The challenge you have here is that you have a mother (from the sounds of things) manipulating this child against you. And a father unable to robustly parent. So I’m not entirely sure what it is your DH expects you to be able to achieve here (aside from take the behaviour from his child on the chin).

What a stressful situation for you. You have my sympathies.

The trouble is everyone saying ‘step back and let him parent’ They are missing the point - that that ain’t happening. He isn’t handling this. When did DH insist on consequences and apology for the poor/destructive behaviour?

The age-old lack of spine and lack of influence of the NRP.

The SD is toxic because she is able to puppeteer quite nicely.

Seen exactly the same phenomenon with my DP’s dd. She is indeed toxic. Because the parents allow it. DP is more Uncle than dad. So am very much low contact (almost no contact) now.

If the DH had this in hand it would not be so impossible for OP. That’s the point. Instead SD and SM are being pitted against each other. It’s all toxic and harmful and I can see the only solutions are: he steps up is SM goes (sadly).

@whatsontonight does your OH see his daughter?

Her behaviour is a combination of bad parenting. I think she is now 14 and you really don’t get involved too much. Let her dad deal with it. Don’t get into much debate about Covid vaccine She sounds very immature and ignorant. Don’t suggest counselling or consider help with her career options. She will not want it and will not thank you for it.

Be civil but distance.

If there something she doing in the household you don’t like I.e break Covid restrictions ask her father to meet her outside of the household until the rules are obtained. I see no reason for you to engage with the mother ever again. She old enough now. I understand a lot of bad has happened in the past and it’s difficult to over come that resentment. But remember she was just a child and mostly caused by her parents behaviour.

I would strongly advise distance and less engagement with your SD. It will help your mental health and better her relationship with her father.

@user47000000000 no he no longer sees her. I can honestly say since he stopped we have not had a single argument and it's been a new lease of life for our relationship. But it was very complex reasons why he has had to stop seeing her, social services deemed her a risk to our 2 year and I think my husband is still very hurt and angry about the behaviour that led to this, in the future when it's not so raw he may wish to re start contact with her but she will never be allowed in our house again or anywhere near our other 2 children

That sounds really tough OP! My heart goes out to you all, it's very stressful and disruptive.

It's difficult for people who haven't been step parents to a difficult teen to understand how complex this is.

I agree that you should stop trying to parent her. Give yourself a break! Let your DH meet her outside. If he wants to take the kids too, let him! Plan some nice things for you to do on those weekends.

It is very important that you feel safe and at peace in your own home. It is also very important that your children avoid feeling that they are somehow expected to meet higher standards of behaviour while their half-sister can get away with extreme behaviours. It has a big impact on them and their perception. It sounds like there is so much energy and focus on your SD when she is here, everyone else has to fade in the background.

Your DH is delegating all the hard parenting to you and trying to be the good parent. Don't let him get away with it. Children need love and boundaries. He can't do the love and leave you with the boundaries.

I was in a similar position to you and it wouldn't stop even when my SC was well into adulthood. I eventually had to courage to say I won't put up with it anymore and life has been so much better since for everyone actually. Because we are all clear on our expectations of each other.

Big hug, this is tough and complicated. Don't let the judgmental people get to you, it is not as black and white as they like to think.

Poor child. No wonder step parents get a bad name. She's a child and you're supposed to be the adult here. You knew that he had a child and she is part of your family as much as your own children - whether you like it or not. Calling an unhappy14 year "toxic" is just horrible.

I know I have to have her here

This bit says it all. She clearly knows how you feel about her and you expect her not to pick up on that?

@OldWivesTale

Poor child. No wonder step parents get a bad name. She's a child and you're supposed to be the adult here. You knew that he had a child and she is part of your family as much as your own children - whether you like it or not. Calling an unhappy14 year "toxic" is just horrible.

Do you ever just read a comment that is the epitome of "blah blah blah" ....

You are a peach, carry on treating his daughter like this @user47000000000 as I will guarantee your will not be married much longer.

If he carries on expecting OP to put up with this level of bad behaviour from his child, and telling her off for not doing it more, then maybe HE won't be married anymore. He's not the catch here.

To all of those saying you can’t call the behaviour of a teen “toxic”, at what age do you think people become culpable for their actions and should accept responsibility for bad or manipulative behaviour?
16? 18? 21? 30?
Yes legally a 14 year old is a child but I would expect a child of secondary school age to have a well established moral compass and be responsible for their behaviour towards others.

Toxic adults don’t just happen overnight, they evolve from toxic teens who know what they are doing. People don’t just turn 18 and suddenly become an ars*hole, they’ve usually always been that way.

@user47000000000

I do understand a lot of this is to do with her mum and the way she’s been brought up but I am just exhausted from dealing with the drama.

So much BRILLIANT advice on here. Thank you all x x x

Actually her behaviour is not the sole result of her mum’s behaviour. It’s also the result of her dad’s behaviour. They BOTH had a part to play in it. And they BOTH have chose to use you as a scapegoat (see your DH saying that if you were ‘nicer toner’ things would be easier....).

If anyone is getting counselling there, I think it should be you @user47000000000. If only to learn how to establish boundaries. And to look at your relationship and the way your DH is treating you when it comes to his dd.

You knew that he had a child and she is part of your family as much as your own children
Except she’s not, she’s not the OP’s child and she doesn’t have to parent her or tolerate her bad behaviour. She is neither morally nor legally obligated to be part of her life if the SC in question is having a detrimental effect on her mental health or happiness of her family unit.

He is part of DP’s family unit, he needs to fix this.

She's 14 and you know nothing about what difficulties she may have had in her life; she's obviously had to deal with losing her dad already. To call a child trying to navigate adolescence along with a fucked up homelife (including a stepmum who clearly dislikes her) "toxic" is just vile. If anyone sounds toxic in this set up it's the supposed "adults".

@user47000000000

asofa that’s an interesting option to just say I don’t think it would be productive.

I do feel as though I can’t be myself. So he wants us to all move forward positively but I’m not allowed to give any honesty or views. That’s what rattles my cage I think!

It's definitely an angle worth exploring.

He would be getting all of my honest thoughts in private, and I would be very clear that if he expects me to bottle them up around his daughter, I will not be doing so the rest of the time. He owes it to you to hear your feelings. It might be worth pointing out to him that if all this chat is is you sat there receiving her insults, it will not be conducive to a better atmosphere if/when she starts visiting again, because it's just going to make you bottle up more anger and frustration. Make it clear him that the way YOU feel about this is relevant, and inevitable given the way she has been allowed to behave. He needs to stop thinking so much about whether you are doing enough to be welcoming, and start thinking about whether he is doing enough to make the situation tolerable for you so you are able to. He needs a lot of home truths.

She's not the OPs child

And this is why she's acting as she does. She is not being accepted into the family and she knows the OP dislikes her. How do you expect a 14 year old to react to that? Do you have any emotional intelligence?

@OldWivesTale

She's not the OPs child

And this is why she's acting as she does. She is not being accepted into the family and she knows the OP dislikes her. How do you expect a 14 year old to react to that? Do you have any emotional intelligence?

Oh yes, because the only possible answer is that the SD acted like an angel until OP blatantly disliked her for no good reason, and that is the sole reason she has behaved dreadfully for years. It couldn't be at all possible that OPs much repressed frustration with her came as a RESULT of the bad behaviour, which came first, and would make any non related adult wary of her.

It is not a slur to say a step child is not their step parents child, you know, and it certainly isn't on any level a justification for the step child to behave like the one in this thread. Such a lazy, permissive attitude.

It’s hard with DH as I know if I say anything to her in this “conversation” that he doesn’t like then he will be annoyed and give me the silents and say “well you didn’t make her feel welcome”....

Tbh OP I don't know what you can really do when your DH is so clearly not on-side.

Is he not bothered about her behaviour or the way she treats you?

I feel the only way this 'chat' could work is if he sits by your side and backs you up, letting her know what bad behaviour and false accusations won't be tolerated going forward.

If you sit there, let her reel off her thoughts but feel you can't say anything back and he doesn't say anything either, your SD will just feel like she and her dad are a team against you.

I would definitely be having a serious conversation about how he feels this conversation will go and whether he is just expecting you to sit there and let her say things that both he and you know aren't true. I would only agree to it if he agrees to back you up where needed, otherwise you are just asking for trouble and it will lead to more resentment.

Sit down with her and just let her talk and get things off her chest.

You don't have to say much back or justify your actions. Say stuff like 'I'm sorry you feel like that' and just let her explain her feelings and hear what she has to say.

She just wants to be heard and talking things through will make more sense in her mind about things hopefully. The less you say the better.

And if she is critical of you then listen and take it on board and think about why that would upset her (even if you feel it's not justified) you need to try and put yourself in her shoes during that conversation. Hard as that may be