Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

[user47000000000]

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

Listening to how she feels is about letting her have her say. This is to clear the air and try for a fresh start. Being curious and ignoring the criticism is to really understand if there is anything that can change to make things easier for teen and therefore everyone else!

It’s not about thinking the OP is in the wrong. Far from it.

At 14 step daughter needs to start learning to work with her adults. If they don’t listen she will not invest. She is not an adult and unlikely to have ideal communication and diplomacy skills.

@user47000000000

showmehow I think I don’t want to hear her cause I’ve been here so many times before....

I’ve done walks with her, coffees with her and her mum (once was enough), taken her out to do nice things. It doesn’t work and just leaves me feeling upset and hurt that I wasted energy on her for no benefit to anyone when I could have invested it in another friend/child/work etc with a more positive outcome.

I’ll have to do the conversation, with DP and not in my home.

I suppose then, the question to Dsd is “we’ve done this before, I’ve met with you and your mother, I’ve done coffees and chats and outings and it seems to me that none of any effort I make has any tangible outcome”

“What are you realistically expecting of me from this conversation? When we’ve had others and nothing changes? Is it that you want to do whatever you want, that you tell me/your dad, the dc how to live etc etc and I just suck it up? Cos that’s not the way this is going to work. I care for you when you’re here, you’re welcome to come whenever you want, but there are expectations of behaviour, house rules if you like, that are set. It may not be how it is when your at mums, but it’s how things are here. Just like you have to behave differently at school to home, or at a friends house or home, it’s the same thing. You may not have liked me saying that I thought the behaviour over virus regulations was selfish, but it DID NOT take into account the situation of others and placed members of my family at greater risk. I’d not have done that to you”

So I’m not going to sit rehash every perceived slight, on either side. It’s not constructive. I am however interested to learn your views on how we move on from this and get along in future.

But yes, you’re going to have to get DP onside - and fast.

Good luck when your own children go through the teenage years op!!

And I cannot believe pp who says sd doesn't have to come to your house. Well, no I suppose you can BAN her but how is that going to impact on your future, her future, your dh's future?

Like it or not, you need to be a part of getting through this difficult time. You can't just act like an ostrich. Or you could divorce him if it's really that intolerable.

The issue is DP just repeatedly thinks I should welcome with open arms and if I go off and do my own thing I’m accused of not being friendly enough

This is where your problem lies.
Your DP desnt want to recognise the hurt she is giving you.
He thinks you should just take it on the chin and carry on being nice because it’s easier for him.

FWIW in a situation like that one, I would treat her the same than an acquaintance. Grey rock, no comment about how she is putting people at risk. Just a vague nodding and just ignoring the bait (because she KNOWS this will be triggering for you). You’ll minimise conflict and won’t look like the bad guy once again.

I would then expect YOUR DH to step up and explain/remind her of the rules in his house etc.... aka doing what you would do with your own dcs.

Btw I agree with some pp that your biggest hurdle will be to have your DH on board. He has to agree to step up. He has to agree to always be the one to parent her. He has to agree to establish boundaries and enforce them. He has to agree to be the bad guy some of the time.
And most importantly he has to have your back.

Then the discussion with dsd is easy.
Listen to her.
Tell her you’ve heard her.
And then HER FATHER explains the new organisation. She comes to your house, will always be welcome. He is the parent, she has to come to him to solve problems/organise the day/make plans.
If you decide that you will not be alone with her for example, you don’t have to tell her. HE needs to do it (and you too).

@ShowMeHow

Listening to how she feels is about letting her have her say. This is to clear the air and try for a fresh start. Being curious and ignoring the criticism is to really understand if there is anything that can change to make things easier for teen and therefore everyone else!

It’s not about thinking the OP is in the wrong. Far from it.

At 14 step daughter needs to start learning to work with her adults. If they don’t listen she will not invest. She is not an adult and unlikely to have ideal communication and diplomacy skills.

All sounds pretty reasonable, but then it doesn't "speak volumes" that OP isn't keen, does it? It's actually pretty understandable and that dig is nasty and unnecessary.

Good luck when your own children go through the teenage years op!!

Not necessarily. If the kids are being brought up in a home where they’re being educated and disciplined to be effective and considerate little people, there is no reason why they’re going to be a nightmare

I do wish how parents of the step children of others understood how badly it affects THEIR kids when they’re used as weapons or stoked to create drama and havoc

A few guiding comments and a bit of boundaries and discipline and teaching respect for others goes a long way

Op is trying, has tried. Over and over.

But that doesn’t fit with the dsd mum narrative and clearly dsd wants to control how others live. That’s not on.

Look at this situation, a father who loves his teen misses her, but sees just how much easier life is, how much more chilled and content life is without all the crap and drama that gets inserted into his home he sees the destruction and upset and even tho he’s sad he hasn’t seen her, he knows seeing her is stressful

Because of the drama, because of the mother’s influence

There are consequences to actions and even a teen can understand this

I wouldn’t have anyone tell her she’s not to spend any time alone with op. That’s cruel. Dp needs to take charge, step up, communicate the rules, the boundaries and expectations

It’s not op’s monkeys nor circus. She’s stepping back and I don’t blame her

I think you need to think would you treat your own kids like this op?

She’s a child. She is not “toxic” she’s a child going through a tough time, and displaying challenging behaviour. The issue you face is, irrelevant of how you view it, your husband does not perceive yout own behaviour to be good either, now it could be he’s an arsehole and he’s wrong, or it could be he is right, and the issue is on both sides, but you’re the adult, and we won’t know, because we can only go on your version.

She is toxic I’m afraid.

MzHz I like what you said about framing the conversation with her.
Last time DP met her she just laid on all the reasons why we had been so awful to her and that we were “bang out of order”. It sounds like he did call her out on this but I’m not sure he would have actually said to her what he says he did .

She’s very extrovert as are we and her mum is very introvert and I always wondered whether she found it upsetting because actually she’d rather a family life which we have than what she does have...

It’s hard with DH as I know if I say anything to her in this “conversation” that he doesn’t like then he will be annoyed and give me the silents and say “well you didn’t make her feel welcome”....

As a parent I’m very “firm but fair”. Maybe my teens will give me challenges but I know I will sharp call them out on behaviour which won’t get them far in adult life. For me that is part of raising a responsible, societally aware, caring person who can make good choices.

@user47000000000

She is toxic I’m afraid.

That’s really not an attitude that is going to help anything. If that’s the vibe you’re giving off then yes maybe you are being hostile to her. She’s a child, she never asked to be placed in the middle of a relationship breakdown or a complex blended family situation.

She’s the “squeaky wheel” here but she’s not the issue. Her mother is irresponsible and tries to use her as a tool. Her parents are separated and unable to coparent. Her father seems incapable of parenting, and there is a lack of united front/communication from father/you. And you don’t hide your active hatred of a child, who you say you would be happier if you never had to see again. So what bloody chance does the poor girl have?!

It sounds like a lot of family therapy would help here, and her behaviour is not the only issue here. It’s at least partially a symptom of the situation. You’re supposed to be one one of the adults, that is a disgusting way to talk about a child.

“well you didn’t make her feel welcome”....

Would they be HIS take on things? HIS guilt talking and being projected onto you?

I think she needs to identify what she wants or expects to achieve

If she’s hankering after the life and family you all have, there’s no reason why she can’t... but stomping about and causing dramas isn’t going to make that happen, fall in, muck in and then things get more fun!

It’s hard with DH as I know if I say anything to her in this “conversation” that he doesn’t like then he will be annoyed and give me the silents and say “well you didn’t make her feel welcome”....

Your husband needs to understand that if you are going to talk to her, it is going to be a two way conversation. If based on his track record you think he would be unhappy if you did anything other than sit and be insulted then you are entitled to say you don't think it would be productive and would rather stay out of it.

flowers500

Trust me I’ve been anything but hostile for years. Friends who’ve observed her from afar have said similar (softly phrased) things...

asofa that’s an interesting option to just say I don’t think it would be productive.

I do feel as though I can’t be myself. So he wants us to all move forward positively but I’m not allowed to give any honesty or views. That’s what rattles my cage I think!

flowers you’re right that her behaviour isn’t the only issue here. But my DH has spent years trying to talk to his Ex constructively and she’s a manipulative cow. Honestly just awful. So it’s no wonder that SD is turning out the same. Grandma is batshit crazy too.

I’m sorry but this is (yet again) a DH problem. A lack of parental boundaries/authority.

His expectations of you are unrealistic. His expectations of her are flimsy.

You’ll always be the bad guy.

I’ve a not dissimilar thing with DP and his dd although she is now almost 20.

Fortunately we have no dc and don’t live together so she no longer comes to my house.

I think this situation is at an impasse due to the parental approach.

Poor you, Op. I would say if you can’t move forward here, I would (personally) consider separating from DH and planning a peaceful life where I can have a rightful say over what behaviour is acceptable in my home.

@Bluntness100

I think you need to think would you treat your own kids like this op?

She’s a child. She is not “toxic” she’s a child going through a tough time, and displaying challenging behaviour. The issue you face is, irrelevant of how you view it, your husband does not perceive yout own behaviour to be good either, now it could be he’s an arsehole and he’s wrong, or it could be he is right, and the issue is on both sides, but you’re the adult, and we won’t know, because we can only go on your version.

It's irrevelant how she'd treat her own kids, because you are allowed to parent your own kids properly so they don't act like this in the first place. She clearly isn't allowed to parent this child. . If my child tried to sit me down and tell me off I wouldn't be best pleased.

Hi I would suggest taking a step back.

Let her come back but your husband deal with it.
Try not to get involved if you can and let him do the parenting. Teenagers are difficult at the best of times.

I think it’s best to try but with some boundaries and distances. As most posters have mentioned- she will be an adult soon and things will get easier.

Don’t say she’s toxic. If I were your partner if I knew you thought that about my child, I’d have a very hard time believing you could be positive and I probably would overreact to small things I took as evidence of your belief my child was toxic.

As others have said, she’s a teen, they are (to a certain greater or lesser extent) all a bit like this. You can change your reactions to her behaviour as outlined above. She needs to be listened to, but you do not have to necessarily agree.

If I were you I’d tell my DH - yes to a discussion (with him present) and then resuming contact at your house, when he’s around to be the primary parent figure. From now on you’ll ignore bad behaviour by giving your views once and then exiting or shutting down the discussion. He is to handle any discipline or rule-setting. You won’t agree to bad behaviour or silly point-scoring arguments but you will attempt to ignore so as not to be drawn in. If that’s not welcoming enough for him then he needs to rethink his expectations of the attention and emotional energy you are willing to invest.

But please stop calling her toxic.

Is the problem using the word toxic? Or that she’s a child? Just curious.

signs of a toxic person

You're left feeling emotionally exhausted after an encounter with them. ...
They try to intimidate you to get their way. ...
They try control you by guilt tripping. ...
They are easily jealous. ...
They constantly see themselves as a victim. .

All of the above are true.

I do understand a lot of this is to do with her mum and the way she’s been brought up but I am just exhausted from dealing with the drama.

So much BRILLIANT advice on here. Thank you all x x x

Well your dh is also partly responsible for creating this toxic monster, unless he has had nothing but a superficial input in her life over the years.

Both of those scenarios don't put him in the best light. Is your dh toxic too OP, along with his daughter and his ex?

Somehow I doubt it.

@user47000000000

Is the problem using the word toxic? Or that she’s a child? Just curious.

signs of a toxic person

You're left feeling emotionally exhausted after an encounter with them. ...
They try to intimidate you to get their way. ...
They try control you by guilt tripping. ...
They are easily jealous. ...
They constantly see themselves as a victim. .

All of the above are true.

That she’s a child.

‘You feel emotionally exhausted’ - a step parent of a teenager
‘Easily jealous’ - a child of separated parents.
‘They see themselves as a victim’ - a teenager

Intimidation and guilt-tripping are interesting ones - if you’ve learned that this produces a result it’s not an inherent personality issue it’s a learned behaviour. And most teens will try a bit of either at some point, again to a greater or lesser extent.

Stop thinking of her as toxic. It will make things better for you if you don’t regard her this way.

No chic he’s not.