Huge anxiety from Stepdaughter and I want to step back

[user47000000000]

Back story in brief:
My SD has always been challenging, have been through a lot with her (her stealing, lying, breaking my things, lying about breaking covid rules when I’m high risk etc)

She hasn’t been here for a few months and it’s been blissful for me and our other kids.

She’s now decided she wants to come back for visits but wants to talk to me first. DH says it’s to move forward positively but he also told me she’s really angry with me about things that have happened in the past (basically me calling out her bad behaviour and manipulation).

I know I have to have her here but I just want to accept that and get on with life without listening to all her complaints- which they will be... her and her mum are always blaming others for anything that goes wrong with them.

DH says that means I’m not prepared to move positively forward and deal with the issues.

He is right I guess but I feel it will just drain me more and suck energy away from positive things. I have tried a LOT over the past 7 yrs in various ways and it always ends up draining me and causing anxiety for me so I’d rather just step back from it all.

She’s 14 now.

Any advice? I’m feeling so tense and anxious about our happy home being rocked by her

I think you need to step out of it (nit my circus, not my monkey is right there imo) and let your DH deal with her.

That means, if she is coming, HE deals with her, all the way. If there is any issue at all (like not respecting the covid rules) HE talks to her.
You really need an agreement with your DH about it, his role as a father and him actually being a father rather delegating all the hard talk to you instead.

I’d leave it to HER DAD to talk to her and let her know about the new ‘rules’.

Tbf it’s going to be really for him. And there is a risk that suddenly it’s all becoming your fault again. But atm he isn’t taking any responsibility for the situation either....

The teenage years are often when children reprocess negative experiences form earlier childhood.

For example, in primary school she might have been told that mummy and daddy are going to live apart, but they still love her. That was maybe enough for her age and stage of development at the time. But now she's looking at her past with older eyes she could feel differently. Rejection, misplaced guilt, resentment that other children have something she doesn't etc. Of course this doesn't give her a by-ball to just treat people however she likes, she doesn't sound happy.

I'm a foster parent, and we were told in training to never, ever, ever insult the child's parents. No matter what they've done or are continuing to do. It just causes huge amounts of dividion and draws up hard lines of loyalty, of "us" and "them". I do think you were wrong to do that and need to keep that sort of talk private between you and DH. Your DH should address issues with the mum, not you.

The blame does not solely lie with you and/or your SD. You are both also unsupported by a DH that has taken a back seat and an ex who is meddling.

Btw the resentment might well also come from the fact that actually you have been doing a lot for her (not that she will be ready to recognise that!). And you stepping back suddenly meant that she didn’t get the care and support she is used to - maybe because her dad didn’t actually step up to look after her the same way you have. There are many many things that are done automatically and you only realise what they are when they are suddenly not there iyswim.

I agree @HowBest2Invest

I suspect the issue here is the DH (and yes maybe the mum too but then has the father actually ever put boundaries ?)

I'd not be left alone with her.
Whatever she has to say she says it with her Dad present.
I'd stress that he is her parent- not you.
Any issues that arise I'd take him to one side and ask that he deals with her/the issues.
I'd maintain a polite distance tbh. Obviously treat her fairly but I'd not be moving Heaven and Earth to accommodate her wants/moods.
I'd also be mindful that her behaviour doesn't start influencing your own dc.

Op YOU are the adult in this relationship , I totally understand where you are coming from , and can imagine the effort you have previously put into this , but..... putting the past aside , how about you plan something nice for you and her to do together , make a massive effort , despite how you ( rightly ) feel. I've found this approach to be disarming enough to effect a big turn around in relationships with children . I know it's really hard though so I do feel for you x

I like the idea of recording the conversation if you're going to be alone with her, or having a third party present.

Cutebutscary - I did do this, a lot yrs ago (lovebombing id heard it called) and it worked well until we went back to treating her normally. She is fine when everything is going her way but not when it’s not.

She is incredibly manipulative and always has been. It’s exacerbated now she’s a teen with a mum who goes for being besties and having an easy life rather than actually parenting her kid.

I don’t feel I can say she can’t be in the house. I do feel I can say I’m not comfortable being alone with her.

I have had counselling and it is all useful but if I’m honest I don’t want to invest any more of my time into anything to do with her. Our family gets along brilliantly when she’s not here. And she does have a choice about her behaviours even as a child.

I can see maybe I shouldn’t have said that about her mum but over the years her mum has been very rude, untrue and nasty spiteful, stirring about me. I’ve not lowered myself but I think in that moment I was angry and shocked. I had covid last spring badly (caught before the first lockdown at work I think) and with a vulnerable family we have been very careful so when someone knowingly put that at risk I probably didn’t give my response the consideration I normally do.

The issue is DP just repeatedly thinks I should welcome with open arms and if I go off and do my own thing I’m accused of not being friendly enough. Last time she was here we were all in the kitchen and she started talking about how the vaccine was pointless and her mum and gran weren’t having it and she didn’t wear a mask at school cause it was unreasonable she should. With my own kids I would talk to them about this nicely but firmly... I’ve tried that in the past with her and it kicks off so I just left the room and went to do laundry. Then DP tells me later that I wasn’t very friendly.

It’s infuriating cause I feel unless I just throw myself out as collateral damage, nothing will be good enough

I would not facilitate a telling off from her. Your husband needs to accept that and not pressure you to solve his issues.

Her behaviour is not great at all but you do have to understand that the situation is really hard for her too. A relationship with her dad needs to be facilitated, you don’t have an option of an “easy life” where she is not involved. You have to work out a way to get past this, I think a sit down conversation with a hug at the end is the only way through. And you need to ensure you don’t ever insult or disparage her mum, that is setting it up as you vs mum and opening a Pandora box of issues. You need some deep breaths, remember you are the adult and don’t rise to provocation.

Were you shielding/CEV? If so obviously awful that her mum would allow loads of rule breaking. But probably something to ask your partner to deal with via the ex, rather than insults directly to the child involved.

I don’t really see how you can say your family gets on brilliantly without her when she’s your partner’s first child. Obviously you feel that your partner’s second family would be easier without the first. Don’t want to do the tired trope, but you were aware he had a daughter when you got together...

Stop with the "you knew he had a child when you got together" rubbish.🙄
It's often the child that isn't the actual problem in step situations but the actual parents and this case is a prime example.

Yes she sounds like a little madam but actually with a mother like the one she has and a father that doesn't pull her up on anything that's what happens unfortunately.

What I would do in you situation OP is tell my DH that he needs to start standing up and pulling her up on her bad behaviour, calling her out for it when he sees it, particularly when it's aimed at you.
It's called being a parent and teaching her to be respectful.

I would make it clear I would never be alone with her.

I would not be pulling her up on her bad behaviour and will not be playing bad cop its his job as a parent.

Your DP sounds like he expects too much of you, you aren't this child's mother and actually to imply that you should constantly welcome her with open arms shows he isn't being realistic.
I think he needs to look more at himself as a parent and learn to actually parent properly before you dive back into it again.
You aren't a punch bag and you don't have to constantly take crap from other people and used as a scapegoat because you aren't biologically related.

I think they think they can do what they like and you have to put up with it and it's really disrespectful your DH needs to take some control back here and actually realise that this child needs guiding and it's his job as a parent to do that.

Oh flowers

Yes I knew he had a daughter.

Didn’t know she and her mum would be so toxic.

It’s easy to say we get on brilliantly. We do, everyone is much happier. He says there’s a tinge of sadness with him obviously but it doesn’t stop him being happy

@Flowers500

I don’t really see how you can say your family gets on brilliantly without her when she’s your partner’s first child. Obviously you feel that your partner’s second family would be easier without the first. Don’t want to do the tired trope, but you were aware he had a daughter when you got together...

"Don't want to do the tired trope" says the person wheeling out the most inane, stereotypical comment ever 🙄

It sounds very stressful for you, 14 year olds can be difficult at the best of times.
I would meet with her and DH to discuss how things should look going forward. I would not be alone with her, and I would not sit and listen to personal criticisms about the past, unless they need to be addressed before you can all move forward.
So you should apologise for criticising her mother, because that was out of order (you can think what you like but keep it to yourself).

Tell her that you and DH want her around, that her siblings want her around. Then listen to what she says about making that work. If she reverts to past examples, make her focus on what a good example from the future would look like instead. Also tell her what you need to make it work well for you all - constructively, looking forward and not backwards at past bad experiences. This will probably require a change in behaviour from all of you, it's not up to her to simply make demands about how you treat her.
So your house, your rules, but if you don't have other teenagers then possibly some of those rules need to be reconsidered as she gets older, as that would happen in any family.

For discussions like the one about the Covid vaccine, it is best not to engage. I think many families with teens have topics they avoid because you will not be able to change her mind about that in the moment, and she's trying to wind you up. So I would bite my tongue, say that you obviously disagree as having had Covid it was awful, but she is entitled to her opinion, and NOT be drawn into any further discussion. Then head off to do the laundry, just like you did. (But calmly state your position first, then it doesn't look like you're ignoring her.)

What you then need is support from your DH, it's perfectly normal parenting and you don't need to give a platform to everything teens want to spout off about. Teens still need to follow house rules, but we should listen to them when they have something constructive to say. If she is rude or critical about you then DH must step up to let her know that is unacceptable. If he doesn't do that, he is the one making you collateral damage.

Your husband sounds incredibly stifling OP. Can't even leave the room without being told you "weren't very friendly", especially given her attitude? No, that's really pushy and controlling.

I'm not going to be one of those people who say it's never the kid that is the problem because she very clearly is the main problem in this case, but you really need to have it out with your husband about his constant nagging.

There are always a least two sides to a story.

Take her out for coffee (so it doesn’t get to lairy) and really listen to her. Be curious about HER feelings and experience. Take it on board. Sympathies and be mindful of stuff that’s hard for her. Ignore critical words and try to understand what she means. You do t want her to be unhappy surely.

Follow up
Once you have though about what you have heard do the coffee thing again.

Ultimately this is a chance to change the dynamic.

That you don’t want to hear her speaks volumes tbh.

Of course if it is a toxic dynamic they are hard to change and I do sympathise!

showmehow I think I don’t want to hear her cause I’ve been here so many times before....

I’ve done walks with her, coffees with her and her mum (once was enough), taken her out to do nice things. It doesn’t work and just leaves me feeling upset and hurt that I wasted energy on her for no benefit to anyone when I could have invested it in another friend/child/work etc with a more positive outcome.

I’ll have to do the conversation, with DP and not in my home.

There is a lot of good advice here though

You are only human OP you sound emotionally exhausted here and it's no surprise.
Something needs to change.

@ShowMeHow

There are always a least two sides to a story.

Take her out for coffee (so it doesn’t get to lairy) and really listen to her. Be curious about HER feelings and experience. Take it on board. Sympathies and be mindful of stuff that’s hard for her. Ignore critical words and try to understand what she means. You do t want her to be unhappy surely.

Follow up
Once you have though about what you have heard do the coffee thing again.

Ultimately this is a chance to change the dynamic.

That you don’t want to hear her speaks volumes tbh.

In other words, a load of judgment about OPs willingness to focus on her SDs feelings whilst casually slipping in that she should "ignore any criticism" as if that is nothing.

These type of comments are so incredibly one sided.

The more I read, the more I think this is a DH problem more than a DC one. He sounds like hard work!

@DinosaurDiana

If you part own your home I don’t see why you HAVE to have her at your house. You should be able to protect yourself from her in your own home. I don’t see that she HAS to come to your house, her dad can take her out like mine did.

That is a ridiculous suggestion. It’s her dad’s home so it’s her home. It’s not going to solve anything by banning her from the house. It will just perpetuate the feeling from stepdaughter and her mother that poster is unreasonable.

OP it’s a horrible situation to be in. My stepson is an adult now and we get on very well but it wasn’t always easy. I actually think sitting around a table with your husband and step daughter is a positive way forward as long as everyone honestly get to have their say and a way forward be reached. I don’t think it’s necessarily very constructive to be be dictatorial with her.

Like in almost all of these situations, your DH sounds to be as much of a problem as the ex and the SD is just a product of her parents shit parenting. 'Not very friendly' would piss me off so much when I was trying to avoid an argument with a kid spouting ignorant, dangerous views.

Personally I would have the conversation but make sure in advance that DH was going to have your back and not appease her, if youre not a united front then it will just be a disaster. Listen to her but don't let her "tell you off", just agree to disagree and move on. If she doesn’t want to do that then she doesnt have to come over - make sure she knows she's welcome but that there are standards for her behaviour and consequences if she doesnt behave. I also wouldn't be alone with her until relations are much improved. Good luck!