Am I being unreasonable

[Ibizafun]

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

@JackieWeaverFever

I have a different take on this. This isn't about her its about the couple marrying.

You need to speak to your step son and wife.

Apologise, explain you understand weddings are stressful. Explain stepdaughter has made this demand /ultimatum and stress you want to find the best solution for him and his wife.

You want the day to be nice for him and you ideally would like her to not cut her nose to spite her face but here we are.
Explain if you accept there is a risk his sister wont attend and how would he like to proceed. You love him and would love to attend but his happiness is most important.
He may be tired of the dramatics and not care. In which case you should go.
If he goes for his sister, be gracefuĺ roll with it and take them for a nice meal all 4 of you a day or two prewedding.

My uncle has this dynamic with my cousin (the wife used him heavily including lying to get money to pay for ivf with new partner!) My cousin is a grabby user and he has NEVER addressed it or challenged her
he must be close to £1m down and she and her child still have their hands out. It's horrible for him and his relationship is a source of great sadness. He is a lovely man.

This. Speak to bride and groom to be and ask them what they want. If I was her brother I would be very hurt that my sisters behaviour affected who attended my wedding. Especially if no one considered what I wanted.

Explain if you accept there is a risk his sister wont attend and how would he like to proceed. You love him and would love to attend but his happiness is most important.
He may be tired of the dramatics and not care. In which case you should go.
If he goes for his sister, be gracefuĺ roll with it and take them for a nice meal all 4 of you a day or two prewedding.

But why should OP do this when she is not the one causing the issue?

The problem is being caused by someone who resents her existence, why should OP have to go to the groom and explain this on her SD's behalf, and then gracefully bow out so no one else is inconvenienced except her?

I just think if this was another family member and not a stepmum being discussed - for example, if SD had this same dislike of a sister or cousin - literally nobody would expect the other person to sort the issue out or take the bullet and not attend.

This is SD's problem alone, she is being entirely unreasonable. And so it is her who should have to choose whether she stays home or not.

Thank you Tiredoftattler, and everyone else who has taken the time to respond. I very much hope the whole thing will be drama free for ss, I will go if invited and kill sd with kindness!

I just think if this was another family member and not a stepmum being discussed - for example, if SD had this same dislike of a sister or cousin - literally nobody would expect the other person to sort the issue out or take the bullet and not attend.

Yes, exactly.

You’re so right Difficult

I meant Bibidy!