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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

131 replies

Ibizafun · 17/04/2021 23:29

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 12:08

He takes no bullshit in other areas of his life, only this one.

It’s a huge one.

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/04/2021 12:14

I'm wondering what happened about your own marriage. Was DSD involved, or was she too young to manipulate like this? Was she roped in as an unwilling bridesmaid etc.

KoalaOok · 18/04/2021 13:06

If you're invited and want to go I'd go. 23 is a grown woman and time to put her brother first.

KoalaOok · 18/04/2021 13:09

Or JackieWeaverFever has put it well, you could offer to the couple to not go if they think it will be easier.

Pebbledashery · 18/04/2021 13:23

If you're invited then go.. Absolutely.
But if not, I would say your DH needs to stand up to his DD, but not on this occasion where it'll cause him to miss out on the wedding... Its a difficult position he's in, but I know I would feel bad for him to miss it and I'd be the better person on this occasion.. There will be other occasions where she will kick up no doubt and your DH will need to be in your corner.. I don't think you can expect him to miss his sons wedding

Are you close with his son?

Tiredoftattler · 18/04/2021 13:42

@PurpleBiro21
If I were dad, I would not place my son in the position of needing to be a part of this unnecessary drama as he plans his wedding. I would assume that he has or will send invitations addressed to all of those people who he wants to attend his wedding.

If I were the OP my decision regarding attendance would be governed by a lack of need or desire to be a part of unnecessary drama on someone else's special day.

Adults do not need a plus one on their arm to attend a wedding. OP does not lose anything if she decides not to go to the wedding. Her husband should go because the wedding is not about him, the OP or the daughter. It is a day that should be made as conflict free as possible for the couple getting married.

Any stance that involves other's needing to assert or meet their personal needs is an effort to make the day about something other than the 2 people who are getting married.

What will it benefit the OP by being a part of unnecessary drama? The dad however should go to celebrate his son's wedding. With luck this will be a one time occurrence in his son's life. This event is not a testimonial to the fact that OP and her husband are a couple. It is a recognition that the bride and groom are joining their lives together.

It is unfortunate that the extended family needs to insert their personal feelings into an event that is really nor at all about them. In the OP's place, I would not let the daughter make me a part of raining on her brother's day. The wedding will be no less joyful for the couple if OP chooses to stay home, out of a sincere desire not to add drama to the wedding day That might be the most thoughtful gift that the OP could give to the couple and it is a gift that they would probably truly appreciate. Who really wants unnecessary drama surrounding what should be one of the happiest days of their life?

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 13:45

Spaceship dsd came to our wedding as a bridesmaid with my dd- no problems at all. There are a few other people in her family dsd has cut off, usually people her mother doesn’t like. With me though I don’t think it’s anything to do with the mother.

I love my dh and am not going to make him miss the wedding whatever happens. But on all other family occasions she’ll have to be the one who doesn’t come because there’s no way I’m sitting at home at her behest.

OP posts:

willowisps · 18/04/2021 13:46

It's his son's wedding, he should be there. It's about him and his son not you so yabvvu.

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 13:54

It's strange how you and your DD don't count as his family!!

How much does she have to ask for before he can't afford it? Do you have shared finances?

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 13:57

I wonder if she thinks her Dad would be incredibly wealthy if you hadn't appeared on the scene rather than you having contributed to his current financial position?

Also she doesn't recognise that if her parents will still together there wouldn't be loads of money as her Mum seems to be a spender/makes poor financial choices?

What's going to happen if she marries 🤷🏽‍♀️ he's going to spend £20k on a wedding his wife won't be allowed to attend?

YellowGlasses · 18/04/2021 13:59

@BluebellsGreenbells

Have you been invited?

Yes - then go

You aren’t responsible for her invitation or response.

This would be my view as well. Why should she dictate what happens at somebody else’s wedding?

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 14:01

RandomMess why do you say me and dd don’t count as his family? Dh has brought her up as his own in every way (her dad is a waste of space). We have shared finances but i do charity work so don’t earn. I don’t begrudge the money anyway (how could I?) but I do despise the way she made him suffer for the years she wouldn’t speak to him. He was seriously ill during that time too.. not even a text.

OP posts:

BootsieBarnes · 18/04/2021 14:01

What happens when DSD has children, are you happy to be excluded from all those events? because it sounds unlikely your DH would miss them if you weren't invited.

This isn't going to be a one off incident OP.

PurpleBiro21 · 18/04/2021 14:04

@Tiredoftattler did you mean to tag me? My opinion leans to yours, though on second thinking I’m not sure dad should attend ceremony only.

Either way, yes for the sake of DSS if I were OP I’d not attend and understand why DH would.

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 14:04

Your DH doesn't want to lose anymore family but he does not seem to realise/care that he may lose you and your DD! That's why I wrote that, keeping DSD is worth more to him than both of you

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 14:04

RandomMess exactly, I have no doubt he will be spending far more than that on her wedding and unless things somehow change, I definitely won’t be invited!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 14:05

You should have that conversation with him now.

Has he paid towards DSS wedding?

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 14:08

He knows he will not lose me and dd, as dd adores him and I am not going to throw away an otherwise loving marriage and lovely life together for her!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 14:09

He is paying for most of dss’s wedding.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 14:12

I guess he needs to point out to DSD that you are both the hosts for the wedding and protocol is that you attend and if she expects him to pay for a wedding for her you will be in attendance as joint host.

Does he not realise her blackmail will just continue to increase?

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 14:20

That’s a good point Random about us being joint hosts. But I won’t go if it’s going to cause angst. My worry is as you say, her demands increasing. She’s calling him a few times a week to buy things she’s seen online (including jewellery) and I asked him if he tries to avoid saying no at any cost, what’s going to happen in the future when it gets even more out of hand?

Dh always insists all the children are treated the same so I guess (hoping) that will be his answer to her at one point, but she won’t like it one bit. I know, the whole thing is pathetic.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 14:24

What about if she demands he changes his will so that only her and her brother inherit his share?

You need to book him counselling and start getting real about this dangerous toxic dynamic.

The best thing he could do is be very nonchalant and basically say "that's a great shame you won't come your brother will be very disappointed" and also tell his son he will not give into blackmail.

Silverfly · 18/04/2021 14:26

Call her bluff OP. If you say you're going will she really miss her brother's wedding?? Surely she'd back down?

pabloescobarselasticband · 18/04/2021 14:29

She sounds like a spoilt brat! She is causing aggro not only for you and your dh but also her own brother, she sounds incredibly selfish. You should go, if she chooses not to that's her problem.

RandomMess · 18/04/2021 14:34

I suspect she is deliberately making him choose between the two of you and this will carry on and on and on.

Are you prepared to be 2nd best for the rest of his life?

If you both hadn't paid for most of the wedding and were just invited guests it would be more understandable my hours DH is asking you not to go to an incredibly expensive party that you are paying for. Can he not see how warped that is?

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