Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

131 replies

Ibizafun · 17/04/2021 23:29

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MiddleParking · 18/04/2021 08:36

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Any adult giving ultimatums about other people being invited to places needs to be very firmly put back in their box. Outrageous behaviour towards you, her dad and her brother. I’d love to know what her soon to be SIL makes of it - I’d be fucking furious if my FH’s sister started giving off about our invited guest list.

FindingMeno · 18/04/2021 08:40

That is hard.
Sometimes step parenting involves stepping back, and in this situation I wouldn't go.

Mumbo1234 · 18/04/2021 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magda72 · 18/04/2021 09:20

@Ibizafun if your dss invites you GO! I don't know what your relationship with him is like but you and he are entitled to a relationship independent of his spoiled sister & if he wants you there you should go.
This is HIS wedding, HIS day & she (& by extension your dh) does not get to dictate the guest list.
I cannot believe people are telling you to stay away. If the groom didn't want you there that's one thing - but another guest? Sod that!
And I'm sorry - you probably don't want to hear this but in this instance your dh is not a kind & gentle man! He's a weak coward & honesty if I was with someone who would let anyone else manipulate them like that, especially to my detriment, I'd be gone!

Milkshake7489 · 18/04/2021 09:27

She is being completely unreasonable but it's her brother who will suffer the repercussion.

In your position, I would speak to the bride and groom and say, whilst you love and support them, you're willing to stay home if it makes things easier for them. You might find that they'd rather have you there, in which case go.

If they accept your offer to stay home, your dh needs to explain that you didn't attend for his son's sake, not because he agreed to excluding you and that this tactic won't work for other events.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 09:32

hollyBollyBooBoo she’s already done the car and the holiday money, not that she could go in the end but kept the money. She hasn’t tried for a flat yet. I may have posted about her some time back when dh was desperately trying to re-establish contact.

He just will not lose her at any cost, she knows it and I guess that answers my own question. I have a strong suspicion it’s jealousy, I remember just before she cut him off, dh gave me a special present for an anniversary and she walked out the room.

Although she lived with her mum growing up, I got on fine with her. As an adult I loathe how manipulative she’s become. All dh wants is to have a normal relationship with her be a loving father, instead he is indeed a glorified cash machine.

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 18/04/2021 09:41

I would go on your stepsons feeling as its his wedding not hers

JackieWeaverFever · 18/04/2021 09:45

I have a different take on this. This isn't about her its about the couple marrying.

You need to speak to your step son and wife.

Apologise, explain you understand weddings are stressful. Explain stepdaughter has made this demand /ultimatum and stress you want to find the best solution for him and his wife.

You want the day to be nice for him and you ideally would like her to not cut her nose to spite her face but here we are.
Explain if you accept there is a risk his sister wont attend and how would he like to proceed. You love him and would love to attend but his happiness is most important.
He may be tired of the dramatics and not care. In which case you should go.
If he goes for his sister, be gracefuĺ roll with it and take them for a nice meal all 4 of you a day or two prewedding.

My uncle has this dynamic with my cousin (the wife used him heavily including lying to get money to pay for ivf with new partner!) My cousin is a grabby user and he has NEVER addressed it or challenged her
he must be close to £1m down and she and her child still have their hands out. It's horrible for him and his relationship is a source of great sadness. He is a lovely man.

needadvice54321 · 18/04/2021 09:46

Did she have a tough time growing up money wise? I wondered if she resents your DH for leaving them, meaning money was tight and now she thinks he needs to make up for it ?!

She sounds awful @Ibizafun . I think I'd leave it up to your DSS, if he wants you there then go, if he shows any level of concern then I'd probably, very reluctantly, stay away

Magda72 · 18/04/2021 09:47

All dh wants is to have a normal relationship with her be a loving father, instead he is indeed a glorified cash machine.
@Ibizafun he will never have a normal relationship with her unless they have some serious family therapy which is unlikely given her behaviour.
He needs to wake up & smell the coffee & if he doesn't you and he both are in for a fairly miserable ride for what looks like the rest of your lives.
Do you really want to live like that? In thrall to a spoilt madam who gets to dictate what you & your dh can & cannot do????

Creepygnochi · 18/04/2021 09:48

If I was your dss, I would uninvite the bloody lot of you. You're no better than her if you're even contemplating making a drama out of his wedding. It's not about you, her or your Dh. It's about your dss and his bride. They don't deserve for their wedding to be the place where either one of you make a stand.

ElderMillennial · 18/04/2021 09:49

It sounds like she is being a brat. What does your DSS think? If he's happy for you to go to the wedding then go. As PP said, the wedding is not the time and place to make a point, so hopefully your DSD won't miss her brother's wedding just because she hasn't got her own way.

But if for some reason you decide not to go then your DH should still go IMHO.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 18/04/2021 09:51

@Creepygnochi

She's no better? Sorry, what?

What exactly do you think op has done wrong? She's not once mentioned making a stand.

Going to a wedding you are invited to is not making a stand.

Magda72 · 18/04/2021 09:53

@Creepygnochi is on the troll again this morning I see.

Creepygnochi · 18/04/2021 09:56

What? Saying that her husband shouldn't attend his sons wedding isn't a stand? If I even caught a whiff of that shit, there would be no decision to make on account of his fucking invitation being thrown in the shredder. Not on mine or my children's wedding days. No sir, you can take your petty squabbling elsewhere.

NeverAgain123456 · 18/04/2021 09:57

I can imagine my SD doing this sort of thing, although I’m now separated from DH. What is it with girls that they have to be so manipulative? Mine was a horror.
Do you want to go to the wedding? I wouldn’t but that’s another story. I would probably step back. If you make DH choose he’s likely to choose his DD.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 10:00

Thanks JackieWeaver, he will chose his sister as they are close and he will want her there. Yes it sounds very similar tho the situation with your uncle.

Needadvice dh didn’t leave them when they were young, far from it he begged her to come and live with us. She was never short of money as she paid her mum, then when she was old enough. her. I just have the feeling that however much she gets she resents a crumb which is not given to her.

Magda72 I have lost my temper many times and told dh exactly what she is like. It is the major problem in our marriage. He won’t see it and it makes my blood boil. Or rather, he doesn’t want to see it because he just wants her in his life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 10:02

Sorry that should read sd was never short of money as dh paid her mum (generously)

OP posts:

TrustTheGeneGenie · 18/04/2021 10:03

@Creepygnochi

She hasn't said that. Dimwit.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 10:09

CreepyGnoci that’s why i was asking for advice here.. I haven’t made any stand at all.

OP posts:

BootsieBarnes · 18/04/2021 10:13

Well as the cliche goes, you have a DH problem not a SD problem. This is reaping what has been sown.

If it came down to a straight choice between you, do you believe he will choose her?

If this is the case then the wedding is only a minor issue. If he hasn't got your back and never will you need to ask yourself if you want to live like this. When and if the daughter gets married this will only replay itself again with weddings, grandchildren, and so on. How do you se your future shaping up?

caringcarer · 18/04/2021 10:22

You and DH will be invited as a couple and should go. If you don't go you may damage your relationship with your stepson. Point this out to your DH. Whether his daughter attends or not is her business. Dont let the bitch dictate to you what you can and cannot do. Your and DH income and lifestyle is really none of her business as she is now an adult. Her mother and step dad's income is none of your or DH business.

Teddyandsuzie · 18/04/2021 10:22

How is your relationship with DSS, how does he feel about you not attending?

I would talk to him (if you are invited) and make it clear that you would love to be there, but are prepared to step back to avoid conflict.

The last thing you want is the narrative to become that you slighted DSS on his wedding day.

CraftyYankee · 18/04/2021 10:30

Can you spend the rest of your life being second to her? If you can then make peace with it and never get involved in your DH's relationship with her again. (Make sure you have enough £ to live independently in case she bleeds him dry.)

If not, then you need to force him to deal with the issue. Otherwise you will have these fights crop up for the rest of your lives. It sounds miserable.

Original poster

Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 10:48

I know I have a dh problem. Ds lived with us for a few years when growing up, behaviour was a nightmare but no more than most teenagers and although it was hard for me at the time with dh a Disney, ss and I now have an ok relationship, but there’s no way his sister wouldn’t come first for him.

Dh is a people pleaser and wants peace. He wants to please me too but not at the risk of losing his dd. I could ask him to talk to her to ask what her problem is with me, but I know she will say she just “doesn’t like” me.

CraftyYankee exactly I am thinking this is going to be the rest of my life. I can’t imagine leaving dh as lovely kind men are few and far between. He takes no bullshit in other areas of his life, only this one.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6