Am I being unreasonable

[Ibizafun]

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

Funny thing with her mum she doesn’t act like a spoilt brat- only her dad! We have done our wills and that’s one thing I know dh would never do- be bullied into changing it for her.

Anyway thank you all so much for you advice, and let’s not waste any more of this gorgeous weather on her!!

I think you are standing in the way of her inheritance, OP.

Let him go alone. The less drama for you, the better.
I don't know, but I don't see myself getting too involved in my SC's lives, specially when they're adults.

@PurpleBiro21
Sorry, I sometimes have difficulty in following exactly who is quoting or a direct responder in a given post.

It seems as though the husband is footing a lot of the bill, but I don't see any real need for the OP to attend the wedding. It all seems to be unnecessary and avoidable drama. OP's husband can certainly represent his household and the OP 's presence really won't add anything to the event. However, her absence may lessen the drama and conflict.

The day is not meant to be a testimonial to the OP's marriage but rather a testament to the union of the new couple. It has nothing to do with OP being first or second. It is a day on which the focus should be solely on the couple being married.

@Tiredoftattler
I think the issue on the day would be 'Who takes the role of hostess?'
Ex-wife? Daughter? Mother of the bride? If the DH is paying, it complicates the situation. Does the bride still have a father?

Your dh needs to talk to the groom because I'd rather annoy sd than the groom (assuming that you're invited)

To be honest, this is not his DDs wedding and it's not her place to dictate.

If his son didn't invite you, then so be it, but she really has no valid reason to stamp her authority. If you had an affair with her dad, then I could understand, but this is not the case.

I see no reason thst you shouldn't go and I honestly feel your DH shouldn't have even told you this, but should have dealt with his DD and told her there's no reason you shouldn't attend.

The day is not meant to be a testimonial to the OP's marriage but rather a testament to the union of the new couple. It has nothing to do with OP being first or second. It is a day on which the focus should be solely on the couple being married
I agree the couple being married are the focus of their own wedding day however how could the son say to his father “my marriage is very important but yours isn’t so leave @Ibizafun at home in case my sister throws a tantrum”?

I would actually suggest family counselling/mediation where all parties get a chance to have their say and this is addressed with support. DSD, DSS, future SDIL, you and DH.
This needs sorting out now with all views aired and addressed.

There was an issue with my DB 's wedding, 20 years later he still won't have anything to do with me, my parents won't make a stand to resolve it, because he cut them off for 8 years. it continues. My DC's are also ignored. Every event becomes an issue, who is going, who is invited, where do people sit...horrid.
I also feel very let down by my DP's who have enabled my DB and his DW's behaviour, sweeping it under the carpet, facilitating distance...etc.

@Youseethethingis

I don't think that anyone making a sizeable contribution to the wedding makes them a host or hostess.

The real issue should be what will allow this to be a memorable and drama free event for the couple being celebrated.

I see no real downside to the OP avoiding the event out of personal regard for the couple and her desire not to interact with the daughter.

OP 's husband did not condition his financial support and he is capable of attending an event of a few hours without his wife or partner. Clearly the OP's husband has assumed a lot of responsibility related to her child. In her situation, just out of gratitude for what her husband has done for the OP's daughter, I would stand back at let him have a drama free moment with his son.

I would never accept more from my husband than I am prepared to do for or give to him.

Just my way of thinking.

I suppose I wouldn't accept a sizeable financial contribution of my parent and then be so rude as to not invite their parent or accommodate any reasonable request.

It's a wedding there are plenty of guests, if someone was throwing a childish tantrum about not attending rather than being civil to everyone I wouldn't be pandering to them.

I hope the DSS is as kind and loving as the op says his father is and still his sister to grow the f*ck up and stop ruining his special day.

I am pretty appalled that the DH isn't telling his DD the same 🤷🏽‍♀️ "it's your brothers day not yours show some manners and decency"

@Tiredoftattler
That’s exactly my point. Asking more of someone than you are willing to give to them.
So if the son expects his father to place witnessing his sons marriage as a higher priority than defending his own wife and marriage then that’s a bit one sided and hypocritical.
That’s just my way of thinking.

Just had a conversation with dh. I asked him if he’d be happy paying for a wedding he couldn’t bring his wife to and he said no he wouldn’t be. I’m sure that doesn’t mean he WOULDN’T though. To be honest whatever happens.. the fact he even said that’s enough for me. If I’m not invited I’ll just let it go. I get on with the rest of dh’s family and that’s the main thing.

I wonder if there's more to your DH and his daughter's relationship than what we're seeing here. You say that she isn't spoilt with her mum, only her dad. Why? Why does dh pander to her so much, was it this way before they stopped contact for a while? Is he making up for something else? Why does she hate you? Has she always disliked you, does she feel you came in and took her father from her? Often parents make up for a lack of a good relationship with money, and usually they spend down to guilt.

Peboh I think she’s spoilt with her dad and not her mum because her mum just wouldn’t stand for it. Before she cut dh off, she was demanding large sums of money every couple of days- I thought it abusive. Even her mother told dh to stop, telling him she told her daughter it was out of order.

He didn’t /doesn’t need to make up for anything as he was/is the most unusually incredible dad, taking time off work to spend with her and dropping everything for her. There is no guilt for him apart from living with me and my family, which yes maybe he’s trying to make up for.. though as mentioned before, she was asked to live with us.

When she was younger and came to stay she got on well with my dd and I treated them equally like sisters. I don’t think she hated me then. I think the resentment came later when dh started to do well and she saw money being spent on me, holidays (which she was asked on), and my family.. even though she certainly didn’t go without! She hasn’t admitted any of this to dh and I could always be wrong but I don’t think so due to an incident which would be too outing to mention here but which doesn’t leave much doubt.

I don’t know if she thinks I took her father from her. In reality her mother had an affair and dh tried everything to save his marriage and keep them together.

I think the only focus should be on what will make this a drama free experience for the couple getting married.

The daughter is making this about her feelings and seemingly the OP is not unwilling about making her husband take a stance on behalf of her marriage.

The event is not about the daughter's feelings nor is it about the standing of OP's marriage.

It is about the union of 2_people who are neither the daughter nor the OP.

I think both the OP and the daughter show a lack of gratitude for very different reasons.

I think the daughter is very selfish in inserting her feelings into her brother's wedding. She can go or not go but she should not have made her attendance conditional.

In the case of OP, if my husband has generously and lovingly supported for years a child that was mine but not his and allowed me to be a SAHM in the process, there is probably no sacrifice that I would not willingly make to simplify his life. For me a sense of equitable gratitude would demand that I quietly step back. Forgoing a few hours at wedding to ensure a drama free day would be a gift that I would lovingly and gratefully give to my husband after all that he has given to my daughter. I would never put him in a position where he felt that he had to make a choice.

I truly think it is wrong to accept more than you are prepared to give and yet both the daughter and the OP seem to feel that they are entitled to some show of loyalty in an event that is not even remotely about them.

Why isn't the husband who has supported both these women for years not entitled to some unselfish consideration by both of them?

Tiredoftattler If you had taken the time to read my post above, I had stated that I would be happy just letting it go. I came here to ask unbiased opinions. Yours for some reason didn’t seem particularly unbiased.

Of course dh would go without me if he had to but the point is, he would enjoy it much more with me next to him. Yes we know the “focus” isn’t him, me, or sd but the marrying couple. It isn't just about the focus though is it, well not to me anyway- to me it’s also about a loving, kind man to whom family is everything, being able to enjoy his son’s wedding surrounded by all his family.

I completely agree that, if it comes down to it, you shouldn’t go. It might yet not come to that but life is too short and all that. Weddings are shite anyways 😂.

For you @Ibizafun 🌺🌺🌺

Thanks Operasinger!

OP

If I am biased it is in favor of your husband. He is the only one who seems to have given without expecting anything in return. The recipients of his continuing generosity all seem to have expectations.

I guess in your place, I would not have needed to ask anyone's opinion ;nor would I have assumed that my husband required the presence of anyone else (me included) to enjoy his son's wedding. I would hope that I would not have put my husband in a position where he had to even consider making a choice.

Your husband appears to be the only person in this scenario with no agenda. Everyone else appears to have thoughts about their right or entitlement to attend this event even if it is being cloked In the mantle of family.

One man is getting married and one man appears to contributing money that he alone has worked to earn to pay for this event. Two women who are neither parties to the ceremony nor themselves financially contributing ( as in money that they have earned) are having feelings about this event. Somehow that picture seems a bit skewed to me.

If your DSS invites you, you should attend. I presume he would invite you because you have a good relationship, and he wants you there to witness his special day.

The DSD can attend or not, it's her choice. It doesn't sound like there's any specific reason she doesn't want to go if you are, just that she's being a drama queen. Your DH shouldn't get involved, and remain neutral by saying you've been invited as a guest, so will attend.

I bet the DSD turns up on the day looking sheepish

Tiredoftattler You wouldn’t have assumed, were you me, that my husband needed me there to enjoy his son’s wedding? Now I’m confused.. In a close, loving marriage the majority of people would most definitely want their partner by their side at an occasion which meant a lot to them. I know without a shadow of doubt it would mar the day for dh. Just as I wouldn’t enjoy a special occasion without dh as much as I would with him. No assumptions there.

Can you pin point exactly where I have stated I wished to put him in the the position where he had to make a choice? No, I have come here to ask for un-biased opinions which, after all, is precisely what this forum is intended for. You do seem rather fixated on who earns money and who doesn’t. Dh isn’t at all though, he’s just an incredibly generous person and a fabulous husband who sadly has a stinker of a daughter!

Starseeking there isn’t a specific reason and I suspect she will also try and dictate that invitations are not extended to others she doesn’t fancy.. there are quite a few.

OP She is calling your husband's bluff. If you have been invited to the wedding you should go. I know someone like this. She is also money orientated. It's always about the money.

JackieWeaver nailed it, OP. I know you have said you know what the response will be but that doesn’t matter. You should use her approach of taking to the bride and groom because it gets the cards on the table and ensures everyone is aware of what DSD is doing. They probably are, already, but it means they know the full extent of her behaviour and the problems that go with it.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.