Am I being unreasonable

[Ibizafun]

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

Yes Anordinarymum always about the money, it’s why she cut him off. Even though she was getting silly amounts from him, she just couldn’t bear the thought of him being generous to others too. I will do whatever dh wants me to in this case.

DifficultBloodyWoman my relationship with ss and fiancé is good enough if not super close, as they live far away. He would invite me as his dad’s wife as that’s what’s normal. I’m not sure I want to reveal the full extent of sd’s behaviour to ss as that would be opening a can of worms and just give her a proper reason to hate me even more.

But if you don't tell SS then what reason would you have for not going? Don't damage your relationship with him to save face for your SD. She clearly doesn't care how she comes across as long as she gets her way.

Fine if you decide with your DH to bow out and save the grief (I don't think I could but it's not my marriage). But make sure SS knows it's not a reflection on him, or your relationship with him.

I think you not attending would be letting her dictate his it should be. If she wants to miss her brother's wedding, that's up to her, but she had no valid reason and you get on well with the couple getting married.

This kind of pandering to people's unreasonable demands doesn't help them realise that the world does not revolve around them.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, you sound such a nice person and I feel awful for you. The step daughter sounds like a spoilt brat, and just a nasty person in general, it’s vile to cause this drama around her brother’s wedding day. It’s just such an immature and selfish way to behave!

I don’t know the answer, I can see that no matter what is decided someone is going to get upset, but I hope you manage to sort something

I just can’t see myself standing for this behaviour. Has your dh considered counselling?

CraftyYankee of course I’d tell ss why I wasn’t going. Thank you so much TheSilence! This may sound mad but I just know that no amount of counselling would make dh say anything to his dd that would risk being cut off again.

This may sound mad but I just know that no amount of counselling would make dh say anything to his dd that would risk being cut off again.

That's very sad, as this is going to apply to future events as well. Christenings, birthday parties etc.

She gets to dictate your attendance and it seems your DH will bow to what she wants.

As dh is usually the one to arrange family gatherings she won’t be able to dictate that, she probably just wouldn’t go- but at her own wedding yes absolutely.

I think you need to speak to DSS and explain the situation, tell him you understand if he would prefer you didn't attend to keep the peace and let him decide.
I wouldn't do it on any other occasion though.
How old is she?

@SpaceshiptoMars

I'm wondering what happened about your own marriage. Was DSD involved, or was she too young to manipulate like this? Was she roped in as an unwilling bridesmaid etc.

You seem to be confusing a wedding with a marriage.

@lulujuju
If the brother has sent out invitations, he has made a statement as to whom he is willing to see at his wedding. Why try to force him into a position of making a choice?

He likely loves his sister and is politely accepting of his father's wife. He probably wants his sister at his wedding and is not overly bothered by the presence of his father's wife at his wedding. No doubt he thinks of his sister as his family. He may think of the OP as his father's family.

In any event, why should the brother after having invited both OP and his sister to the wedding have to be drawn further into this unfortunate situation. This is the groom's special day. He should not be expected to decide, choose, arbitrate, or negotiate the drama existing between OP and her step daughter.

Both of these women are trying to make this day be a statement about their relationship with the OP's husband rather than a celebration of the marriage between the bride and groom.

If I were the groom and either of these women approached me about taking a position on their drama, I would ask that neither of them come to my wedding. Neither of these women will be harmed by missing the wedding, and the bride and groom will get to be the stars in their own show rather than the focus being deflected from them by the petty and selfish drama of others.

Tiredoftattler you keep insisting on conflating the OP and the SD as if their actions are equivalent. OP has not ever said she is going to make anyone choose, either her SS or DH. She is taking in responses and answering thoughtfully. So stop haranguing her.

@CraftyYankee

Tiredoftattler you keep insisting on conflating the OP and the SD as if their actions are equivalent. OP has not ever said she is going to make anyone choose, either her SS or DH. She is taking in responses and answering thoughtfully. So stop haranguing her.

Well said 👏

Tiredoftattler I’m sure you mean well but you do seem a little confused. The invitations have not been sent out yet, and I have stated many times that I do not wish to put either dh or ss in a position where they have to chose.

Your only point which is correct is that ss does not love me as much as he loves his sister, gets on fine with me but to him I am just his dad’s wife, which I am. I have my own adult children.

The only person making a drama as CrafryYankee correctly points out is sd... obviously. The only drama I seem to have created is here.

@Ibizafun

Tiredoftattler I’m sure you mean well but you do seem a little confused. The invitations have not been sent out yet, and I have stated many times that I do not wish to put either dh or ss in a position where they have to chose.

Your only point which is correct is that ss does not love me as much as he loves his sister, gets on fine with me but to him I am just his dad’s wife, which I am. I have my own adult children.

The only person making a drama as CrafryYankee correctly points out is sd... obviously. The only drama I seem to have created is here.

Thing is though, it's not YOU who is making anybody choose, it's your (D)SD. Your acceptance of an invitation extended to you when it comes should have no bearing on her. You should be making the decision on whether to accept based on whether or not you would like to personally attend, otherwise this will never end. Take it as read that you won't be invited to her wedding (if she gets married), and organise something lovely for yourself to do on her day when it comes.

Assuming your DSS invites you, you shouldn't ask your DSS anything about whether you should attend or not, as the invitation is a clear sign he wants you there. You really don't want to be the one to draw him into his sister's dramatics, when all he wants to do is have a lovely wedding, leave her to do that, if she is prepared to go that far.

Hi OP,

Your SD sounds exactly like mine and has been pulling these stunts for years. She wants him to choose her over you to accompany him to the wedding. But if that happens she still won't be satisfied so will have to demand something more extreme.

Personally I would do nothing, wait to see if an invite materialises or a sheepish looking ss says it's better if dad goes alone.

It's not her wedding, it's not yours. Guests can worry about what to RSVP to their own individual invitations.

No I don't think your DH should allow his daughter to have you elbowed from the list.

If your SS chooses not to invite you that is different obviously and it's clear from what you've said that you will be gracious about this.

From all you have posted essentially what appears to have happened is she has immense resentment that two women (who are not her mother or herself) are taking money that she feels is rightfully hers.

One of those women is you, one of those women is your DD. I’m curious (sorry if I’ve missed it), what is her relationship like with your DD? And will your DD be invited to the wedding or not?

How far is this divisive / splitting behaviour being driven?

@Tiredoftattler but the OP has already said that her DSS will want his sister there, so it's very unlikely he will tell the OP to come anyway or ban them both from coming!

I would graciously step back and allow the wedding to go without a hitch or drama for the sake of the son as you seem to have a good relationship. However when the wedding was over I would be having a very clear chat with DP about the future

Sillysandy how old is your sd? Sassbott she’s always been a jealous person but me taking money that is rightfully hers?! firstly she’s not short of money from dh and secondly.. my parents money is rightfully theirs not mine, whichever one of them earned it! Anyway she likes my dd, has always looked up to her/got on with her but they are not close now.

Thanks again for all your advice, if I am not asked there will be no drama (it won’t be the end of the world for me), I will just feel sad for my dh who loves his whole family.

I would go, assuming the son had invited me.

The daughter is the one making this decision, her brother will know that she is the one creating the awkwardness. Why should you not go just so a petty ADULT can get her way and feel like she's put you in your place?

I would go.

Thing is though, it's not YOU who is making anybody choose, it's your (D)SD. Your acceptance of an invitation extended to you when it comes should have no bearing on her. You should be making the decision on whether to accept based on whether or not you would like to personally attend, otherwise this will never end...
Assuming your DSS invites you, you shouldn't ask your DSS anything about whether you should attend or not, as the invitation is a clear sign he wants you there. You really don't want to be the one to draw him into his sister's dramatics, when all he wants to do is have a lovely wedding, leave her to do that, if she is prepared to go that far.

I completely agree with this.

It is not YOU making anyone choose, it is only your SD. It's up to her if she doesn't want to attend a happy family occasion purely because you are - it's pathetic.

Don't feel like you need to 'peacekeep' this situation by telling SS that he doesn't need to invite you. All you need to say to him, if anything does come up, is that there is no drama from your side, you will happily still attend if SD is there.

You are not the one causing the issue here.

I would like to apologize to all including the OP who feel that my opinion was misguided or over the top.

In the initial posting when the OP said that she feels that her husband is disrespecting her if he decides to go to the wedding without her ", I did not understand that to be a statement of her willingness to step back graciously and allow her husband to happily celebrate his son's wedding while she willingly remained at home.

I apologize for any misinterpretations that I made.

Hopefully, this situation ends with the bride and groom having the wedding day of their dreams surrounded by people who wish them well.

Fortunately for all of us who respond with opinions , none of them go from our pens to God's ear. They are just the varied thoughts of strangers on the situation as presented..

As this situation is filled with early stage conjecture and hypotheticals, there is ample time for a peaceful and dramaless resolution.

@Tiredoftattler

You made a very thought provoking point earlier, which I put up as a sticky on my desktop:

A battle with immaturity as an adversary is not a battle worth engaging.

I look forward to some interesting discussion on that on another thread sometime!