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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

131 replies

Ibizafun · 17/04/2021 23:29

Dh’s son is getting married next year. His adult dd, after cutting dh off for two years is now close to him again, and will remain so as long as the money keeps flowing. The reason for cutting him off was her increasing resentment of us enjoying holidays (that she was asked on), ie, money which was not spent on her. She is now 23. Since reuniting with her father, she will not have anything to do with me. Can’t pinpoint anything I’ve done, but she has told my dd that she doesn’t feel it right that we live comfortably whereas her mum and stepdad struggle. (Her mum had an affair, dh was overly generous and gave her their house which they managed to squander).

The problem now is that his dd is saying if I go to her brother’s wedding she won’t go. This puts dh in a position where he has to chose either to go without me, or not to go at all.

I don’t want him to miss his sons wedding as he’d be gutted, but on the other I feel he’s showing me no respect if he goes on his own.

He’s going to try and talk to her but I know how stubborn she is and once she’s made her mind up that’s it. Just for back story I have known her since she was 9, always got on ok with her but felt hostility from her up until she cut dh off. Any opinions?

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MrsBertBibby · 17/04/2021 23:33

What does the son think?

Footloosefancyfree · 17/04/2021 23:38

Don't go, it's not the time or place to make a point. The son and bride don't need the drama nothing worse than warring families. You clearly both don't like each other and she should be able to attend her brothers wedding. Let your dh go alone.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 23:45

Have you been invited?

Yes - then go

You aren’t responsible for her invitation or response.

sadpapercourtesan · 17/04/2021 23:51

You can't and shouldn't expect your husband to miss his son's wedding, whatever the circumstances. Don't lean on him about showing your respect or loyalty by not going alone, that's pure emotional blackmail and would be very, very wrong.

Discuss it with your DH like an adult, and decide between you whether you go (are you invited?) and leave it up to his daughter how she responds, or whether it's better for you to stay away and let them have the day without drama.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 17/04/2021 23:56

Thank you for your comments. The invitations haven’t gone out yet. I’m so pleased I asked here, i will let him go alone then.

OP posts:
queenofthenorthwest · 17/04/2021 23:57

Can you book a nice hotel break for that period?

sadpapercourtesan · 17/04/2021 23:57

FWIW I really feel for you, it all sounds very painful and unnecessary Sad Flowers

Amberheartkitty · 18/04/2021 00:00

If you have been invited then go. How dare she give her brother an ultimatum on his wedding! It’s not about her! She sounds truly vile. What a horrible position to put her brother in.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 00:01

Thank you Queenofthenorthwest and sadpapercourtesan, I don’t need a hotel break but yes, it’s dd exerting her power. After being cut off for such a long time (and having no proper explanation for it), dh is terrified to say no to anything from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 00:02

Thanks Amberheartkittty that’s what I initially thought, but maybe life’s too short to put my dh under more stress.. he’s a very good, kind man.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2021 00:03

Sorry, I would be furious if my husband caved in to such blatant manipulation like that. His daughter is acting like a 5 year old, and that behaviour should not be pandered to. He should be telling her that you will be accompanying him to the wedding and he hopes she attends, but if she doesn't that's her choice.

smithyca · 18/04/2021 00:07

I don't think it matters what the daughter thinks, it's not her wedding and she's just a guest. If your step son invites you then go, it's the daughter with the problem not you.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 00:07

Unfortunately all he does is pander to her. The threat of being cut off is always present, she doesn’t even need to say anything. Yes I’m furious and just fed up of his weakness. He tells me he has lost so many of his close family, family is everything to him and he doesn’t want to lose another.

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Original poster
Ibizafun · 18/04/2021 00:10

Going to sleep now but thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2021 00:10

He tells me he has lost so many of his close family, family is everything to him and he doesn’t want to lose another.

Interesting. He might just lose his wife someday if she is chronically pushed aside and disrespected. Does he not care about that?

Tiredoftattler · 18/04/2021 01:37

OP, you lose nothing by not going to this wedding, and your husband gets to see his son married.

This is not a power play by the daughter, but a demonstration of her willingness to rain on her brother's big day.

A battle with immaturity as an adversary is not a battle worth engaging.

MixedUpFiles · 18/04/2021 01:45

I would prioritize the bride and groom and your DH being able to celebrate without drama. If that means pandering to the sister, then I would give in for this one day. It’s also possible the groom will declare that he doesn’t want his father to attend solo and if his sister declines he is ok with that, in which case, put on a beautiful outfit and celebrate.

This should all be about the couple getting married

Guavafish · 18/04/2021 06:42

I think you should go, she is being mean and spiteful so no reason.

Trixie78 · 18/04/2021 06:48

I wouldn't give in to this emotional blackmail, it'll never end. If you're invited then go.

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2021 07:16

Have you posted about this before? I seem to remember that your DSD is a really nasty piece of work. But I think yes just let them get on with it. Have you been DSM for a long time.

Not really relevant but...From the other side my DSM is great and I really appreciate her. I was going to have a v small second wedding with no guests. She said "but I want to be there" at 5 weeks out so we invited our closest family and friends. That was 75 people as we have 8 married siblings all with teen or adult kids.

Theunamedcat · 18/04/2021 07:21

So is it all about his money? Does he give her money now?

Youseethethingis · 18/04/2021 08:15

If you are invited by your step son, go.
If she goes too then it was all hot air. If she doesn’t go then you don’t need to deal with her.
The wedding isn’t about her. Whether she chooses to go or not is up to her.
I feel so sorry for her brother and father but at this stage if she threatens to never speak to any of you again I’d wave her off cheerfully. Nobody has time in their life for this shit.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 18/04/2021 08:19

If you're invited, and you want to go then go.

How she reacts is up to her and if she's willing to miss out then it says much more about her than it does about you.

If she cuts off your dh, as much as it will hurt him, perhaps he will realise what the "relationship" actually was because it sounds like he's just a glorified cash machine.

PurpleBiro21 · 18/04/2021 08:24

The wedding isn’t imminent so things could change quite a bit by then.

If I were dad, I’d ask brother what he thinks then if it’s a case that he cannot bring his wife, I’d attend the ceremony only and make it crystal clear that it’s due to DSD. Let the B&G blame her for it.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 18/04/2021 08:27

It's blatant blackmail on the daughters behalf, if you give in now (or rather your DH does) where will it end?

Buy me a car or I'll cut off contact.
Pay for my holiday or I'll cut off contact.
Put the deposit down on a flat or I'll cut off contact.
Divorce your wife or I'll cut off contact.

He needs to show her that this isn't how life works.