Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

It's just the way it is, and the adults involved can guide the children in how to feel about it, resulting in genuine understanding and no resentment. Adults are the ones who cause the issues by reacting on behalf of the children when there is no need.

This is the answer to a thousand threads on here, and yet the handwringing and mud slinging continues...

In reply to @Lassy1945I do think that many SMs who are having a hard time - there IS a commonality that the Ex is making it very difficult.

The mother of the children from first marriage can be hugely influential if she wants to be, and I don’t think it takes much. She doesn’t need to be awful, she just needs to have some resentment. A new SM coming in is automatically in a very fragile place - the kids aren’t really going to like someone new, why would they? - so it doesn’t take much to push over this fragility into an unworkable situation. I feel a bit sexist here but most Men don’t seem to have good social skills to balance their kids, their Ex and their new wife.

That is the classic bad situation for SMs and I think, sadly, that it’s more common than not. The Ex doesn’t need to be a witch, to be able to negatively influence the new couple.

*I just think all parties need to be realistic about the differences the children - both step and joint - may experience, and just realise that it isn't a contest.

Mine & DP's children will need to accept that SCs may go on cool holidays with their mum and her family that we're not able to do with them, and that they will get double the amount of presents.

My SCs will need to accept that just as it does for them, the world keeps turning for us when they're not here, so we will still do things. My children may get taken out/away by my family, both with or without me and DP.

It's just the way it is, and the adults involved can guide the children in how to feel about it, resulting in genuine understanding and no resentment. Adults are the ones who cause the issues by reacting on behalf of the children when there is no need.*
@Bibidy - such a sensible post & attitude & if people would only act like this across the board blending would be so much easier.

Every day I wish his ex would just not exist ... his kids on the other hand are absolutely lovely .

Those grandparents, unless really lovely, invariably want to only have their biological grandkids which often means one child always loses out if their grandparents can’t do those things

Thing that annoys me about shit like this is that NO ONE would have a problem if your DSD was the one with grandparents on her mum's side who could afford to take her on holiday, then it would all be 'thats just life, tough, is how it is' and your DC would be expected to suck that up.

I also highly doubt if this happened that anyone would suggest your DH take just your son on holiday to 'equalise' it because then it would be 'why should your son get to go away with Dad on his own, your DSD now hasn't experienced a holiday with just her Dad so it's unfair'.

It's always irrelevant what DSC do with their Mum and her side of the family and I think, unless people choose to do it differently, the same should apply for step mother's and her family. Joint DC should be allowed to do things alone with their mothers and their grandparents if they wish in the same way DSC get to.

@ofnaex

Every day I wish his ex would just not exist ... his kids on the other hand are absolutely lovely .

And the ex would likely play a part in how lovely the children are

@ofnaex

Every day I wish his ex would just not exist ... his kids on the other hand are absolutely lovely .

The ex is a pain in my arse, but no way do I want her not to exist - I'd have to have the DSC here full-time and I couldn't cope with that. Seriously. In fact, it would probably end our relationship.

@Lassy1945

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

Well to be fair, why would you post here if not for one of these reasons (the majority of the time)?

If you went on the relationships board you could say exactly the same thing but about husband's, they all either cheat, are emotionally abusive or up and leave without warning and so on...

Is it really the case or is it just that people who go through these things are just more likely to post about it for advice than someone who gets on really well with her DSC and who's husband's ex is a dream and totally reasonable all of the time?

It's not a fair pool of scenarios to base anything on.

If you'd like to know I get on with my DHs ex perfectly well, she's an entirely normal and sane woman and I am often grateful for that when I read things on here! I do definitely believe there are women out there though who struggle so much with the prospect of another woman in their children's lives that they end up coming across as 'Psycho' or are generally just not the nicest of people. I know people like to think on here that men are the only ones who can be horrible human beings but I highly doubt that's true.

I understand the point people are making when they say both parents are responsible for the child's upbringing, but when you have the child a comparatively small proportion of their life and have consistently attempted to tackle the behaviour issues in question during that time, it is hard to deny that those behaviours are primarily down to the way things are handled in their primary household.

What this highlights to me, is that it seems the Ex and the DP/DH who were in a relationship, suddenly have such different parenting styles.

I wonder if the more likely scenario is it that dad left all the parenting to the Ex and doesn't have a clue. That he didn't have that close of a relationship with his kids before the relationship fell apart and he's really at a loss as a parent, no they're apart.

So the child isn't really used to listening to dad and struggles in this new 2 home rules situation.

So the child isn't really used to listening to dad and struggles in this new 2 home rules situation
I see your logic but there is one problem with this. When the parents were together and under one roof, was the child supposed to be dealing with two different sets of rules?
Dad says sleep in your own bed, mum says sleep with her and dad can sleep elsewhere if he doesn’t like it.
Dad says take care with your things, mums says do as you like as that’s what insurance is for.
Dad says bed at 8, mum says bed when you feel tired.
Mum works part time to have the time to spend on child, dad works full time to have the money to spend on child. So by the time of the split, whose influence is going to be bigger? Whose rules is the child going to be happier (in the short term at least) living by?
The mums.
Post split, how does the dad set out his own stall when every time he has he child she’s upset and it’s back to square one because mum is absolutely set on her rules and that’s the child’s main home?

@Kindasup1

Holiday issue is my family plan to take my son who is 3 on holiday next year and my mum told my son on a video call ,he ofcourse got very excited and is chatting away about being on a plane etc. He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc.

Oh wow 😂 her family can start taking your DS on holiday too then if that's the case.

I always find in these situations the resident child gets less because of these issues. My DSS gloated to my DD just last week about how many more holidays he has this year and said 'you just get 3, I get 2 more with my mum'

Albeit they are little trips to the caravan nothing major but we I just smiled through it thinking 'alright mate' 😂

Il add btw... there is nothing wrong that DSS gets extra holidays with his mum it's totally normal and wonderful but then there shouldn't be an issue if RC gets holidays with other family member on the non bio parents side to the DSC

What this highlights to me, is that it seems the Ex and the DP/DH who were in a relationship, suddenly have such different parenting styles. I wonder if the more likely scenario is it that dad left all the parenting to the Ex and doesn't have a clue. That he didn't have that close of a relationship with his kids before the relationship fell apart and he's really at a loss as a parent, no they're apart. So the child isn't really used to listening to dad and struggles in this new 2 home rules situation.

In my DPs case - his ex is a pretty controlling person who likes to dominate discussions (I've witnessed this first hand). Clashing over her thinking hers should be the only say in how to raise their son and him not agreeing with her approach is a big part of why they split. There was nothing sudden about the differing parenting styles.

These poor children

Potentially different parenting approaches from 4 different adults
Potentially even having to experience parenting from even further adults (half / step siblings parents)

It must be so shit and unsettling for them.

My children are my priority. Above my bloody love life. No man will live here in their home until youngest left.

My ex shares similar view.

Five years post divorce - we have stuck to it.

Our children are happy settled and secure.

It’s hard not to be judgmental or blended families. It’s not PC to say that but it really is

Above my bloody love life
That’s nice. In my DHs case, I think he wanted a life and a family, not just spend his life waiting about for the scraps his ex or the the courts were going to give him.

@Youseethethingis

Above my bloody love life That’s nice. In my DHs case, I think he wanted a life and a family, not just spend his life waiting about for the scraps his ex or the the courts were going to give him.

Well just as he’s happy and settled then.

I am managing to carve out a life without a man moving in to mine and my children’s home.

It really isn’t that big a sacrifice when I see how secure and settled my children are

It’s different for the main carer though isn’t it? You can mould your life around your kids if they are there 80% of the time in a way you can’t if they are absent 80% of the time.

@Youseethethingis

It’s different for the main carer though isn’t it? You can mould your life around your kids if they are there 80% of the time in a way you can’t if they are absent 80% of the time.

Yep, this is the honest truth people don't want to admit.

For the record, if DH and I split up and I had DS most of the time, I’d almost certainly not bother with future relationships either.
But if I told DH he could only see his own son EOW, never at Christmas and never on his birthday, I’d have a cheek to expect him not to make a life for himself outside those parameters.

Adults are the ones who cause the issues by reacting on behalf of the children when there is no need

YES !!!!!

OMG what is with the high and mighty judgmental comments @Lassy1945.

If that is your choice and you are fully happy with it, good for you! That’s your personal choice and we all commend you for it.

FWIW ive made a similar decision too - I won’t consider living with anyone until my children have grown and no longer living at home. I too don’t see that as a massive sacrifice because quite bluntly dealing with another bloke and his kids is something I’ve tried and I won’t try again. My life is better without those complications.

However I wouldn’t dream of coming on here and judging others for wanting different things in their lives! So what if some people want to try and blend? If you can’t offer empathy or advice then why do you think your scathing judgement is of any help? Or actually even worthwhile?

What are you trying to prove. Carry on parenting your children as you wish.

@Lassy1945

These poor children

Potentially different parenting approaches from 4 different adults
Potentially even having to experience parenting from even further adults (half / step siblings parents)

It must be so shit and unsettling for them.

My children are my priority. Above my bloody love life. No man will live here in their home until youngest left.

My ex shares similar view.

Five years post divorce - we have stuck to it.

Our children are happy settled and secure.

It’s hard not to be judgmental or blended families. It’s not PC to say that but it really is

What exactly are you doing the step parenting threads then? What will your inherent judgement and feelings of superiority add to what is supposed to be a support board?

This is a perfect illustration of the problem with this sub-forum.

I'm sure there are lots of people who think children having to live between two homes isn't ideal either @Lassy1945 so maybe get down off that high horse.