Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

@Lassy1945

How bizarre you thinking ending a marriage and then not being in an further relationship since the break up five years ago... is putting my love life first!

You ended your marriage because you didn't feel romantically toward your husband anymore...

So you split your family up because you weren't satisfied with your love life.

You even went on to say how he's like a best friend etc etc... So there is no way you could have stayed together 'for the kids' as friends?

That's what people are saying is hypocritical.

I don't even think it's the wrong thing to do, at all but maybe save the judgement eh?

As an aside, I don't think many children actually feel positively about how much their parents have "sacrificed" for them as as adults, and if they do it is because they have internalised something from that which is not positive. Most feel guilt at the thought (or stifled by the parent that now desires recompense).

They wouldn't feel positive about their parents never considering them, either, obviously. A balance is needed.

I decided that I didn’t want my children growing up in a loveless marriage. Completely loveless.
A close friend.
But we couldn’t beer to touch each other and with no spare bedroom, one of us was sleeping in the lounge.
Stress levels were awful
He has mental health conditions, was a real depressive. He struggled with the noise and chaos of children.

So we split.

So I’m genuinely perplexed that this is put in the same boat as me deciding to move my love interest in to my children home and blend families with his children. Genuinely

@Lassy1945 you genuinely cannot see the point so many are making on here. No one is judging you for ending your marriage, your life, your marriage, your choice. But you did make the choice to break up your family because your ‘romantic’ needs were not being met (aka love life).

No one here is judging you for that. But we are all (from the comments on here) a little that is a very real life example of people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Regards your relationship with your exH? Unboundaried. I’m not surprised neither of you have moved on as clearly your emotional needs are continuing to be met with each other. He gets a health scare and the only person he confides in is you? He’s clearly very emotionally enmeshed with you still.

So it works that neither of you are in serious relationships. Because ultimately you’re still in an emotional relationship with one another.
If it works for the both of you fine? But if he’s in this situation partially hoping for a reconciliation? (I fail to see any other way a bloke would continue this way and not have moved on by now). I think that’s quite cruel.

If of course it works for both of you? Crack on.
No one else stands a chance and I for one would not get into a relationship with any man this unboundaried with his exwife.

There you go then. As predicted.

You spilt up because of stress levels and his mental health and not because you didn’t feel romantically anymore.

So is it to much to hope that you can imagine motives other than “their bloody love life” why people may feel the urge to have new relationships and children?

We cross posted. Yes it is similar.
You had stress/ tension of living in a home with someone whom you couldn’t share a bed with. You’ve only now added the mental health aspect. So you divorced. Fair enough.

Have you considered that some people move their ‘love interest’ in for exactly the same reasons? They find doing it alone too hard, stressful, overwhelming? And the thought of having someone to help/ keep you company lifts some of that burden/ stress? And that if the adult is happier - that too impacts the children.

Why is that decision any different to the decision you made? You negate it as (disparagingly) love life, but people have needs. Not everyone is you.

So the question that is being repeatedly asked is why so much judgement? Fine, you’re doing it your way. Others are doing it there’s and it’s not what you would do. Great.

If you can’t offer support and empathy then what is your point here exactly?

Because bluntly I could question why you did what you did. Plenty of people stay in marriages like yours to keep their families together. Why were you so selfish? And why didn’t you protect your children from living between two homes?

*theirs

Lots of people would question and judge @Lassy1945 for having broken up a marriage and all that entails. Not anyone on the stepparenting boards here I'd imagine but out there in the world there'd be plenty of gnashing and wailing potential over those 'poor children' and their 'broken home'.

And yet, here she is judging others in blended families. @sassbott is right about stones and glass houses. 🙄

And just to be clear @Lassy1945, I would never judge you for ending your marriage. I'm sure you made the right call for you in less than ideal circumstances.

But I will judge you for coming on here and moralising about blended families from you hill of sand. That's the problem here. And it's writ large across so many threads on this board.

I’ll bow out (I suspect you’ll be relieved! ) and hide the thread.

Perplexed that ending my marriage, and then making a commitment to myself that I will never have a man move into my home whilst my children live here, and sure as heck never ever ever blend families - is no different to having someone move in to your children’s home, deal with (inevitably and almost always) mentally unhinged ex’s and SDDs that so many of you seem to resent having around.

So if it makes you feel better to think that women who end marriages but decides to thereafter never bring a man in to their children’s home to live whilst any one of them still living with me, then so be it.

@Lassy1945 just couldn't resist the last word, could you.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Lassy1945 just couldn't resist the last word, could you. [/quote]
Still managed to illustrate the point everyone has been making by spectacularly missing the point.

Sometimes one's judgey pants are just too tight to think straight.

So if it makes you feel better to think that women who end marriages but decides to thereafter never bring a man in to their children’s home to live whilst any one of them still living with me, then so be it.

It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me feel sad for people who make this choice, as if you and your ex don't deserve any happiness for yourself now just because you have children.

You children will grow and leave you behind eventually - a partner (with luck!) would still be there.

There are all sorts of set ups that suit different people but on balance, children seeing their parents happy and knowing that matters too is a positive thing

You don’t think being happy is achievable without a partner?

@EnoughnowIthink

There are all sorts of set ups that suit different people but on balance, children seeing their parents happy and knowing that matters too is a positive thing

You don’t think being happy is achievable without a partner?

Of course it is, but the argument was whether it's automatically detrimental to children for their parent to be with a new partner and whether people are putting their love lives ahead of their children by having a relationship.

However, I do think that a happy, loving relationship is a great thing to model to children and also that parents making children the very obvious centre of their lives for their whole childhood can lead to feelings of guilt and worry for the children as they grow.

Not to say that people should be trying to find partners if they're happier single at all, but just that both sides of the coin have pluses and negatives, and people are not automatically selfish for wanting a romantic relationship as well as being a parent.

*Of course it is, but the argument was whether it's automatically detrimental to children for their parent to be with a new partner and whether people are putting their love lives ahead of their children by having a relationship.

However, I do think that a happy, loving relationship is a great thing to model to children and also that parents making children the very obvious centre of their lives for their whole childhood can lead to feelings of guilt and worry for the children as they grow.

Not to say that people should be trying to find partners if they're happier single at all, but just that both sides of the coin have pluses and negatives, and people are not automatically selfish for wanting a romantic relationship as well as being a parent.*

This, absolutely.

Plus, Lassy was lording it over people that she had made a superior level of "sacrifice" for her kids. If you're not dating because you just dont want to, then it isn't a sacrifice, is it?

So if it makes you feel better to think that women who end marriages but decides to thereafter never bring a man in to their children’s home to live whilst any one of them still living with me, then so be it.

Am I the only one to whom this sentence actually makes no sense? It’s half complete.....😂😂

Whilst I don’t necessarily think lasso45 put her point across very diplomatically

As a mother of two and a SM of two, living in a blended home, I think why lasso’s post caused such uproar is because it touched a here’ve with money.

We know in our hearts of hearts that blending families was NOT in the best interests of our biological children.

I love my DH, but if I had my time again - I’d do exactly what Lasso did. Made a commitment not to move a man in and not blend families until my children had moved out.
It’s painful to admit but I suspect I am not alone.

touched a nerve with so many

I think it was the “my shit don’t stink” attitude that annoyed people to be honest. Many have said they’d do or are doing the same without making out they are a higher being because of it.

I think people just thought it was a hypocritical thing to say.

I don't think anyone has said PPs situation is 'no different to blending families' but that whilst blended families isn't always ideal (and I agree), neither is having divorced parents and you can't have a go at people for putting their love lives first when you admit two minutes later that you did similarly because you weren't happy with your own love life (i.e. didn't feel romantically toward their husband anymore). It's not as if divorce doesn't have a huge impact on children either so perhaps look at your own situation before you comment on others.

I also think this board is not a fair representation. As per PP, if you went on the relationships board you'd probably never date again as it comes across that all men are cheating bastards or abusive in some way. In reality we know that isn't actually the case but who's going to post 'IM SO HAPPY AND MY HUSBAND IS AMAZING'.

It's exactly the same here, of course you don't get people who are perfectly happy in their blended family posting many threads because why would they?

I for one am pretty happy. I get on with DHs ex well, they co parent great, she's very reasonable and nice. Kids are lovely and we have a great relationship, they absolutely love their sibling (mine and DHs DC) and everyone seems very very happy. So what reason would I have to start a thread here?

So I can't comment for everyone, but yes I'm sure it does hit a nerve, when people go on about how selfish you must be, when you are involved in a blended family that works perfectly well and all you care about is your children's happiness. If it didn't work well, I wouldn't be in this marriage. I appreciate some people stay when they shouldn't as evidenced by these boards and I definitely don't always agree with everything I see here but, and I can only speak for my own situation of course but I'm sure there are others, our children are not poor neglected souls who's parents put sex above their welfare thank you very much, they are loved and cared for and happy. And maybe some people would hate to hear it but I honestly believed if you asked my DSC how they'd feel if I left tomorrow they would be very upset, I'm not some awful witch who's a negative thing in their life. We have a great relationship, one I truly do think they benefit from and I think they would agree with that.

@Youseethethingis

I think it was the “my shit don’t stink” attitude that annoyed people to be honest. Many have said they’d do or are doing the same without making out they are a higher being because of it.

Agreed. I'm a step mum, I don't have biological kids that aren't my DPs, so I don't harbour any secret guilt about blending them! I just found her comments extremely hypocritical.

When I divorced my ex I didn’t see it as putting my love life first! I wasn’t having an affair, there was not even the hint of someone else in the corner or even on the horizon. I divorced him because we didn’t get on, and I didn’t fancy him in the slightest.

When I moved my partner in with his children, that was me putting my love life first.

I suppose different if you end your marriage becuae you’re having an affair?

@Whatawaytogo

When I divorced my ex I didn’t see it as putting my love life first! I wasn’t having an affair, there was not even the hint of someone else in the corner or even on the horizon. I divorced him because we didn’t get on, and I didn’t fancy him in the slightest.

When I moved my partner in with his children, that was me putting my love life first.

I suppose different if you end your marriage becuae you’re having an affair?

But your marriage is your love life. You are choosing to end a relationship that doesn't meet your needs in some way or another (usually several). Just because the decision is not driven by being in love, doesn't mean it isn't absolutely about your love life.

I agree that the major problem is that @Lassy1945 was hypocritical. Added to the fact that coming on to tell people how superior you are is just not helpful really.

@Whatawaytogo

When I divorced my ex I didn’t see it as putting my love life first! I wasn’t having an affair, there was not even the hint of someone else in the corner or even on the horizon. I divorced him because we didn’t get on, and I didn’t fancy him in the slightest.

When I moved my partner in with his children, that was me putting my love life first.

I suppose different if you end your marriage becuae you’re having an affair?

I don't understand how you can not see leaving your kids dad because you didn't fancy him as putting your love life first. You left because you didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. You don't have to be seeking a relationship for it to be related to your love life, leaving someone is also about your love life.

I don't attach the same derisive moral judgment to that statement, I think it was the appropriate thing to do. But that doesn't mean that "putting your love life first" isn't exactly what that is.