Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

@ShowUsTheMeaningOfHaste

I'm sure there are lots of people who think children having to live between two homes isn't ideal either *@Lassy1945* so maybe get down off that high horse.

Indeed.

@Youseethethingis

It’s different for the main carer though isn’t it? You can mould your life around your kids if they are there 80% of the time in a way you can’t if they are absent 80% of the time.

My ex is managing too.

5 years.

He works long hours, lots of fitness, sees friends, works on his house and really enjoys his time with the children (EOW and once during the week)

I’m glad he’s happy but surely you can see how many people feel that’s a poor substitute for a family? Especially if you had one that you’re no longer a main part of.

He works long hours, lots of fitness, sees friends, works on his house and really enjoys his time with the children (EOW and once during the week)
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hmmm. How do I put this?
A) you seem overly knowledgable of how your exh (of 5 years) spends his time....???? I couldn’t tell you what my exh does in HIS spare time.
B) if you actually believe that’s how he’s spending his time after 5 years of being single. 😂😂😂
C) If the tone of your posts are anything to go by I’m not surprised the poor guy hasn’t introduced anyone to your kids.

I’ll leave the rest unsaid, but you have all the hallmarks of an over invested/ controlling exwife.

@sassbott

He works long hours, lots of fitness, sees friends, works on his house and really enjoys his time with the children (EOW and once during the week) 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hmmm. How do I put this?
A) you seem overly knowledgable of how your exh (of 5 years) spends his time....???? I couldn’t tell you what my exh does in HIS spare time.
B) if you actually believe that’s how he’s spending his time after 5 years of being single. 😂😂😂
C) If the tone of your posts are anything to go by I’m not surprised the poor guy hasn’t introduced anyone to your kids.

I’ll leave the rest unsaid, but you have all the hallmarks of an over invested/ controlling exwife.

Agreed.

@sassbott

He works long hours, lots of fitness, sees friends, works on his house and really enjoys his time with the children (EOW and once during the week) 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hmmm. How do I put this?
A) you seem overly knowledgable of how your exh (of 5 years) spends his time....???? I couldn’t tell you what my exh does in HIS spare time.
B) if you actually believe that’s how he’s spending his time after 5 years of being single. 😂😂😂
C) If the tone of your posts are anything to go by I’m not surprised the poor guy hasn’t introduced anyone to your kids.

I’ll leave the rest unsaid, but you have all the hallmarks of an over invested/ controlling exwife.

Today my ex and I had a coffee together as I needed to pick up some school work for the kids left at his.

We get on very well, I’d say one of my closest friends
He had a recent health scare. Told one person. Me.

I ended the marriage as we had grown apart and simply weren’t compatible in a romantic sense.

I’m not alone
Nor is he

There are loads of single parents that make a conscious decision to never blend families or have a new partner move in to their home whilst their children still live there.

On this very thread, there’s a good number that are doing the same.

It’s difficult for some to accept that there single parents out there who make a very big sacrifice to ensure their children don’t have to blend families are have people move in to their homes

We get on very well, I’d say one of my closest friends
He had a recent health scare. Told one person. Me.

👆🏽🎤 drop. Exit stage left.

I ended the marriage as we had grown apart and simply weren’t compatible in a romantic sense
So you can join us down in the moral gutter then if this was the reason you broke up your family. Your “bloody love life” wasn’t great.

I’m sure you’re about to tell us it was more complicated than that and that I don’t know you or your marriage so how can I say that.

Which has been my point all along.

I ended the marriage as we had grown apart and simply weren’t compatible in a romantic sense

Wait.... You mean you put your 'bloody love life' above your children? Surely not

@sassbott

*We get on very well, I’d say one of my closest friends He had a recent health scare. Told one person. Me.*

👆🏽🎤 drop. Exit stage left.

Has an early teen stumbled on to this thread?

It's okay, keep ignoring the fact that you scorned other people for putting their 'bloody love life' above their children and then admitted a few posts later you did the exact same. Don't worry, we all clocked it.

@PullItThatWayGav

It's okay, keep ignoring the fact that you scorned other people for putting their 'bloody love life' above their children and then admitted a few posts later you did the exact same. Don't worry, we all clocked it.

By ending my marriage i was putting my love life first? My ex and I were completely incompatible as man and wife. It would not have been a pleasant environment for anyone

Five years ago and I haven’t been with anyone since

How bizarre you thinking ending a marriage and then not being in an further relationship since the break up five years ago... is putting my love life first!

I just don't really see how having a life of your own is putting anything above your children, as long as you're mindful of them, don't rush things and don't pressure the children to do things they don't want to do.

Not all children in 'blended families' have negative experiences or resent their SPs being around. In the same way that not all children in nuclear families have a positive experience of that.

Personally, I think it's good for children to see their parents happy and living an engaged and fulfilling life, and if that includes a relationship then why not? A happy relationship is a great thing to model to children.

I think parents' feelings and happiness matter equally as much as the children's and they shouldn't have to wake up when their kid is 20 and flown the nest and realise that being around for their children was all they had going on.

Not saying any choices are wrong, but just that having a partner isn't a bad decision just because you may have already had children with someone else.

I find it interesting that you’re so cool about him going out with friends spending time and money doing that, doing all his fitness stuff and all that work on his house and all the time and money that they take too, but you wouldn’t be cool with settling down with someone he loves. Very telling.

wouldn’t be cool with him settling down with someone he loves

If he wants to settle down with someone - then that really is his prerogative!

It’s just that both of us have said how brilliant it is for the children that neither of us are in relationships and definitely not in any kind of blended family scenario.

It would t be such a big deal if he was, because I’m the RP

I can only control what I do. And I have no intention to move anyone in to my children’s home.

I’m not alone, as this thread indicates.

@Bibidy

I just don't really see how having a life of your own is putting anything above your children, as long as you're mindful of them, don't rush things and don't pressure the children to do things they don't want to do.

Not all children in 'blended families' have negative experiences or resent their SPs being around. In the same way that not all children in nuclear families have a positive experience of that.

Personally, I think it's good for children to see their parents happy and living an engaged and fulfilling life, and if that includes a relationship then why not? A happy relationship is a great thing to model to children.

I think parents' feelings and happiness matter equally as much as the children's and they shouldn't have to wake up when their kid is 20 and flown the nest and realise that being around for their children was all they had going on.

Not saying any choices are wrong, but just that having a partner isn't a bad decision just because you may have already had children with someone else.

Absolutely agree.

I’m in the same position as you and I too have no intention of meeting anyone either. I just can’t be arsed after the 10 year relationship I was in, so I’m concentrating on me and the kids for a few years until I’m in a better place to even entertain the idea.
But I don’t think it’s a one size fits all thing. I know someone who has 3 kids, her partner has 2 and they’re having a baby together. Everyone is very happy including the kids. It’s not for me but that’s just me.

@Lassy1945

How bizarre you thinking ending a marriage and then not being in an further relationship since the break up five years ago... is putting my love life first!

You seem to be really struggling to grasp what people are saying. Splitting up with your husband was putting your love life "first". Which I would argue is a far bigger blow for your kids than either of you dating other people.

Nobody is saying you shouldn't have done that. But you are being extremely hypocritical by judging others for considering themselves and their love lives "over" their kids. You have done exactly the same.

I mean, you could’ve married a man without children?

It’s just that both of us have said how brilliant it is for the children that neither of us are in relationships and definitely not in any kind of blended family scenario.

Why is it brilliant though?

Don't you think that as your children go older they might like to see you happy with a partner (even if you prefer not to live together), rather than potentially take on the worry themselves that you are lonely or on your own when they're with their dad or out living their own lives?

My SD is only 7 and I know she frets about her mum being on her own when she is with us, even though she has plenty of family and friends.

Again, not saying your choice is wrong or that a relationship is needed to make someone happy, but just surprised you feel so strongly that being in a relationship would only be a negative for your children.

Sorry Lassy, but I agree with:

Splitting up with your husband was putting your love life "first". Which I would argue is a far bigger blow for your kids than either of you dating other people.

You said you ended your marriage as you didn't feel romantically towards your husband anymore - so you split up your family as you were unhappy with your 'love life', as it was then.

A completely valid choice, may I add!!

*Don't you think that as your children go older they might like to see you happy with a partner (even if you prefer not to live together), rather than potentially take on the worry themselves that you are lonely or on your own when they're with their dad or out living their own lives?

My SD is only 7 and I know she frets about her mum being on her own when she is with us, even though she has plenty of family and friends.*

A very good point, and to take it a little further, deliberately never dating due to your kids means them potentially one day feeling a large amount of pressure to look after you in your old age, as you're "all they have".

There are all sorts of set ups that suit different people but on balance, children seeing their parents happy and knowing that matters too is a positive thing, as long as they are also cared for and considered.