Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

@funinthesun19

To be fair, you are looking back on your experience.

So the DH is never going to be a benevolent figure really is he - he’s your ex, presumably for a reason.

And now that he is your ex, you may be a little, let’s say, more understanding of the bio mum.

I sympathise with the op.

Exp had a child 18 months older than my eldest and blending was a fecking nightmare because of the tension between exp and her mother. Relationship ended.

My current dp has no children and wow it's a revelation. My kids and I are really happy.

My exh had another child who is now 3. The mother of his ds clearly wanted the nuclear family with exh and had huge beef with me and my dds. We have never met!

Now that couple has split. Dds and exh ds see each other a lot. I now get on much better with exh and my dp is supportive. He has even minded exh ds for a bit!

After that ramble all I conclude it's that it's a v fine balance and the more easy going you can be the better.

And now that he is your ex, you may be a little, let’s say, more understanding of the bio mum.

Understanding of what exactly? I’m sorry to say I haven’t had a big flood of understanding over the past 18 months.
In fact, since being on my own and because mine and her experiences of being an RP are extremely different, it just further alienates me from her.

To be honest I don’t see either of them as benevolent figures and I didn’t when I was with him.

Way, way too many people get into relationships with parents (people with young kids) with their eyes firmly shut.

It’s not something I would ever have considered.

DH and I have also talked about it. If anything happened to either of us, there’s no way we would risk our DCs’ happiness and wellbeing by blending them with perfect strangers, who they may, or may not get on with, who they may patently dislike, and who may have very different rules and family expectations. I just can’t see the appeal of it, at all.

Fine, get into a relationship with someone new, if you simply can’t bare not to. But keep your own household, and make sure things are stable for your kids. The teen years can be hard enough, without adding a massive, unnecessary layer of complication at home, on top.

@Lassy1945 😂😂😂😂😂. OMG which planet do you live on where you think some of us will look back and now be ‘more understanding of the bio (I dislike that term but am quoting you) mum’.

Not a chance. The woman is a vicious, damaged human whom I can honestly say is an awful mother to her children. She is single handedly causing so much conflict, she will be the reason her children are so damaged. She’s a heinous human being and I say that because I know she set out to implode my relationship.

Who does that? My ex is my ex because his ex is a nasty human being and I don’t need that in my or my children’s life.

How are you so disbelieving that so many women have had this experience?

@Lassy1945

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

Not every thread is like that, but can you not see how it's quite a likely thing to drive someone to post on a forum? I mean aside from anything else, people who carry a large portion of the blame would be less likely to do so if they had any self awareness.

It's not the case for me regardless. I don't think my DP is a saint, and though there were more complications early on, his ex is actually pretty reasonable these days. My relationship with my step son is also currently really strong. I just also have no trouble empathising with normal feelings like OPs.

I'm not a step parent. I took my eldest away for a weekend abroad with her friends. I don't feel the need to equalise it with the other two. This every kid must do the same shit is rubbish - particularly with blended families

@Lassy1945

I agree with your post at 18:44. It's usually a couple of those things you mentioned and all the bad behaviours of the child are blamed on the DM.

@Lassy1945

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

This is pretty much how the bulk of step-parenting threads go...

[quote sassbott]@Lassy1945 😂😂😂😂😂. OMG which planet do you live on where you think some of us will look back and now be ‘more understanding of the bio (I dislike that term but am quoting you) mum’.

Not a chance. The woman is a vicious, damaged human whom I can honestly say is an awful mother to her children. She is single handedly causing so much conflict, she will be the reason her children are so damaged. She’s a heinous human being and I say that because I know she set out to implode my relationship.

Who does that? My ex is my ex because his ex is a nasty human being and I don’t need that in my or my children’s life.

How are you so disbelieving that so many women have had this experience?[/quote]
We might as well be on different planets for all the likelihood that I would have continued a relationship with someone who had a heinous child abusing ex. If I was without children , I would have thought bloody hell no way am I having this drama around future children, and if I already had children - then it would have been dead in the water before it even started.

Fundamentally my children (single parent for fife years now) will never ever have a step parent and will never ever ever NEVER have another man living in their home or other in related children sharing their home. Doesn’t matter if he’s the love of my life.

I don’t want the kind of drama and upset I read over and over again on these SM threads

[quote SandyY2K]**@Lassy1945

I agree with your post at 18:44. It's usually a couple of those things you mentioned and all the bad behaviours of the child are blamed on the DM.[/quote]
I understand the point people are making when they say both parents are responsible for the child's upbringing, but when you have the child a comparatively small proportion of their life and have consistently attempted to tackle the behaviour issues in question during that time, it is hard to deny that those behaviours are primarily down to the way things are handled in their primary household. I'm able to recognise that the way I would do things is not necessarily THE way of doing things, so the way his mum does things is not objectively wrong, but still, the things that I find challenging about my SCs behaviour can be obviously traced back to there.

@Lassy1945 well I didn’t continue the relationship. I didn’t have a child with him (for precisely that reason). And I also didn’t cohabit with him (to protect my children.)

What’s the point you’re trying to make. Because clearly I’m missing it spectacularly.

My problems always came from the adults.
It was never dsc I had the problem with. I was lucky in that respect, because I know some stepmums on top of everything else going on have to deal with challenging behaviour from the dsc.

So why is it that when a stepmum is feeling resentful of situations rather than the dsc themselves, this gets interpreted as dislike towards the dsc?
An example of this could be when the stepmum is on maternity leave, and she doesn’t want to agree to a new schedule where the dsc comes more because she’s off work because in everyone’s head she is automatically available to do childcare.
This isn’t because she hates the dsc, but because she doesn’t want to commit to looking after them more than usual.

I just find it really irritating how people expect stepmums to get all excited and if they show any sign of being fed up, people take it the wrong way.

I would hate to be a step parent and as such would never be with anyone who had kids who weren't grown. I've friends who are step parents and the whole dynamic is extremely challenging - especially when they have their own DC.

@Lassy1945

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

Good post, and I have noticed this too, especially the bit about the ex. She’s always unhinged and trying to make everyone’s life hell. In real life, the women I know who are stepmums also have had to deal with an ex like this. But it got me thinking, I’ve only ever heard the new wife and husband’s side of it. I’ve never met these ex-wives, and I’m not saying anyone is lying, it’s just interesting that I’ve always taken for granted that the ex is indeed batshit crazy!

It’s just weird that there’s so many of them.

There probably are some unhinged selfish ex’s out there but I always wonder why the DH was ever with them as surely people cannot hide such behaviour for years?

The mums also often refuse to work (previously SAHM?) while SM and DH work their asses off to pay for her (not the kids, her). Oh and I’ve never seen so many women with children have casual affairs...

A friend (I use this term loosely as I’ve distanced myself because of how she is with her SK’s, it breaks my heart) would say the mum is greedy useless demanding etc.

Whereas I suspect my friend was the OW, mum had 3 kids plus an under 2, DH has dropped to part time (my mate was gleeful that CM was cut in half). SK have had to see dad go on numerous holidays inc Disney land with his new family + step sibling without them. Step sibling calls SD dad and is always there, no time alone with dad.

Dad often dumps kids on SM. Friend openly dislikes one of the kids, even her tone changes when she speaks to the child.

There’s probably more I don’t know esp now I barely speak with my friend and I refuse to meet up if she has the SKs.

In those circumstances I understand if mum seems unreasonable at times.

Furthermore,I’m amazed that my friend enables her DH behaviour.

He takes the piss out of her with dumping his kids on her but I cannot believe that he is ok doing that when he knows they are not dear to her.

She doesn’t see that she’ll probably be the ex few years and the recipient of his behaviour with their shared child.

I love my friend but I’ve really struggled with her behaviour and general thought process as a SM.

There are too many tired old tropes here. I think the step parenting section should be compulsory reading for anyone contemplating this.

@PurpleBiro21 - I can only offer insights from the other side in that I stayed & tolerated my exh's behaviour for longer that I should have for the sake of the kids.
I always put the tensions in my marriage down to exh's alcohol issues & put those issues down to 'a phase'. So many of us do this as we don't want to face the truth.
When the alcohol issues started to affect the kids I kicked back & that's when the cheating etc. revealed itself & that was the beginning of the end for us.
In retrospect & with the clarity of time I can see that his behaviour within our family unit had been bad for years & I just put up with it, buried my head in the sand as the thought of my family splitting up was not something I could tolerate.
I think many men stay with high conflict women for exactly the above reasons. You desperately hope that you're wrong & that somehow your oh will 'right' themselves - but they rarely do.
In many ways my exh's behaviour is still unreasonable - but I don't have to live with it (& his dw seems happy enough to tolerate it) & we have managed a good coparenting relationship. However this is mainly down to me turning the other cheek & having hours of therapy. My dc all have a good relationship with him but I have taught them to stand up for themselves with respect to some of his behaviours & he has adjusted himself for them in a way he wouldn't for me.
We hear about the unreasonable exes on here because it is a forum for sps struggling & unfortunately many ex couples never make peace with their split & this inevitably spills out into subsequent relationships which is why you get sms on here stuck dealing with the ongoing fall out from unresolved splits.

I don’t get it
I have two step sons and One son of my own . They are all grown up now but when they were younger I took mine on holiday with my niece sometimes just me and DH & my son and sometimes all 4 of us together once I even took my niece and son and my husband joined us with his two boys a week later .

DH would also take his two on holiday without me , they also went on holiday with their mum and stepdad . They even went on holiday with their aunty . Just like I took my niece .
No way would I have another person telling me what I or my parents can do with my son
Oh and all our kids have grown up nice and normal . None of them are traumatised by me having separate holidays with or without them

@Magda72 I’m so sorry that you and DC went through that, if it helps I think I’d do the same as you for a while in that situation. I’m glad you are happy now.

I guess the point I’m making is I think problems in the Relationship are sometimes deflected onto kids and ex.

Eg my mate blames mum for needing extra money while ignoring that her income is reduced cos he decided to work PT. Mum asks dad for childcare so she can work a extra shift. Dad agrees then dumps kids on friend, friend blames mum.

Mum calls dad to complain that homework not done DF blames mum and kids for not saying instead of dad for not checking.

DF hates extra mess of SKberates them for it ignores that dad is a lazy fucker who does no house work at all. Ignores that her child does do housework as they see her doing it whereas SK don’t.

I’ve watched my amazing friend of 25 years become a petty spiteful harridan as time has gone on.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

You clearly haven't read my posts then. My H is most definitely The Problem. And his children's behaviour while they're here is on him and his parenting.

His ex is not unhinged. She's not very nice and highly motivated by money. She's much more interfering in what happens in our household than my ex is. My h doesn't interfere in how she parents, but she wants to try to control everything that happens here. Tbh, her children's behaviour might be even worse in her house. Apparently the youngest regularly hits and bites his mum and stepdad (according to the kids). But that's her problem.

I do think that it does very much matter than a SM gets no say in how the SC are raised. It fundamentally affects so much of life in her household and the power dynamics of it all. That's not to say that she should get to decide on how the children are raised, but to recognise that it gives her little to no control over large aspects of her own life. That is stressful and will lead to all kinds of resentment if her husband is not working very hard to ensure he's considered her and her needs in making his decisions about parenting and his children.

[quote PurpleBiro21]@Magda72 I’m so sorry that you and DC went through that, if it helps I think I’d do the same as you for a while in that situation. I’m glad you are happy now.

I guess the point I’m making is I think problems in the Relationship are sometimes deflected onto kids and ex.

Eg my mate blames mum for needing extra money while ignoring that her income is reduced cos he decided to work PT. Mum asks dad for childcare so she can work a extra shift. Dad agrees then dumps kids on friend, friend blames mum.

Mum calls dad to complain that homework not done DF blames mum and kids for not saying instead of dad for not checking.

DF hates extra mess of SKberates them for it ignores that dad is a lazy fucker who does no house work at all. Ignores that her child does do housework as they see her doing it whereas SK don’t.

I’ve watched my amazing friend of 25 years become a petty spiteful harridan as time has gone on.[/quote]
I can totally see how your feelings have soured towards your friend over time, and you haven’t just heard bad things about her as hearsay, you’ve actually seen them happen. I don’t blame you at all for keeping a distance now.

But it seems like once again, it’s a dad problem. There’s so many dads like this on here isn’t there! They make life very difficult for both the ex and the new wife, and of course the children who had no say about any of these major life changing situations

@Lassy1945

What strikes me about the SM threads that it is always that

A) the biological mum is unhinged / selfish / demanding. Mostly all three.

B) the DH is some sort of benevolent figure in the background. He pays way more child maintenance than necessary to the unhinged bio mum

C) the step child is often, but there are a few exceptions, spoilt, rude and selfish

D) the SM has always tried her very best, accommodated so much, done so much, put up with so much

Same formula. Over and over. I always think “yeah, sure it is that black and white!”

Don't forget thought that the people who post on here are mainly those with issues with their situation.

What you have stated above are genuinely some of the key problems that occur for people.

As others have stated earlier in this thread, I personally think it's normal for any mother to fight what's best for her children. So I can see how many may come across as demanding or psycho or whatever. My DP's ex isn't like this BUT one of my closest friends has a child with her ex and the things she falls out with him over...I could imagine his new GF posting about her on here tbh. One example was her throwing a hissy fit and demanding to be invited to a birthday party her ex was having for their son at his home, to which he had invited his friends and their kid. That, to me, could be described as unhinged, selfish and demanding!

I also don't understand the whole jealousy over children doing things with grandparents scenario. My SCs have done things with their mum's family that my DP and I wouldn't be able to afford to do for a child of our own...if the question arose, I'd explain to my child that SC's grandparents took them on that holiday in the same way that my child will do things with my parents without SCs.

Everything is looked on as coming from such spite when it comes to stepfamilies isn't it? My SCs have met my parents twice in the whole time I've been with my DP, not out of any malice, but mainly due to distance and the fact that my DP - quite understandably - wouldn't expect them to spend their limited time with him doing things with people they barely know. We do things with their grandparents on our time with them. So even if my parents did want to take us on holiday down the line, it would be unlikely my SCs would come, or would want to come, given there is no relationship there!

I just think all parties need to be realistic about the differences the children - both step and joint - may experience, and just realise that it isn't a contest.

Mine & DP's children will need to accept that SCs may go on cool holidays with their mum and her family that we're not able to do with them, and that they will get double the amount of presents.

My SCs will need to accept that just as it does for them, the world keeps turning for us when they're not here, so we will still do things. My children may get taken out/away by my family, both with or without me and DP.

It's just the way it is, and the adults involved can guide the children in how to feel about it, resulting in genuine understanding and no resentment. Adults are the ones who cause the issues by reacting on behalf of the children when there is no need.