Stepkids - rooms

[winterrabbit]

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

They just share?!? What’s the problem?!

OP I've been through your pain. Currently SD 20 who demanded the penthouse suite in the 3 storey house I bought for everyone hasn't stayed here for over a year.

She didn't get the penthouse, instead I decked out her large double bedroom to TOWIE levels to appease her when we moved in. I'm now redecorating it as it will serve in future as a leave guest room.

My husband rents his house out as a long term investment and we keep our finances as separate as we sensibly can. That doesn't make me a monster, just a 2nd time married woman who is very much aware that marriages can be short. I hope ours won't.

Do what you need to in order to work sensibly at home. At her age this will not even be an issue once she's flown the nest at her mums house

@Dollyparton3

OP I've been through your pain. Currently SD 20 who demanded the penthouse suite in the 3 storey house I bought for everyone hasn't stayed here for over a year.

She didn't get the penthouse, instead I decked out her large double bedroom to TOWIE levels to appease her when we moved in. I'm now redecorating it as it will serve in future as a leave guest room.

My husband rents his house out as a long term investment and we keep our finances as separate as we sensibly can. That doesn't make me a monster, just a 2nd time married woman who is very much aware that marriages can be short. I hope ours won't.

Do what you need to in order to work sensibly at home. At her age this will not even be an issue once she's flown the nest at her mums house

That’s absolutely fine and sensible as you both have assets (although by getting married you have given him a claim that he wouldn’t otherwise have). It’s the talk of doing your husband a favour by charging less than market rental and that it is only ops house for her to make the decisions as she earns more and pays more for it. There’s nothing wrong with the premise of needing to shift kids to have an office, that’s perfectly ok, I just find the language odd when referring to her husband and father of their child. He’s not a lodger.

"Nobody knows whether the step children are ‘entitled’ or not as it seems nobody has discussed the matter with them."

Not sure if you're referring to other posters or me, but I was meaning the offspring of all those on here who are suggesting the OP should scrunch up on the dressing table in her bedroom to earn the salary that is funding this large house, whilst the children, some of whom aren't even there full-time, spread out in luxury around her house.
Sometimes kids have to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Why can't your son and stepson share? Your son would have the room
to himself half the time, and share the other half.

They might not have much in common but you don't need to have anything in common, it's just part of family life. Family means compromises.

You need a place to work permanently, all 5 children need somewhere to sleep and have their clothes and stuff. You can't have teen boys in with teen girls, both deserve single sex space for privacy.

If it's 50% custody, you can't sideline your stepchildren. Your home is their home too.

The thing I can’t quite get my head around is that op is married with a child yet states the house is hers, refuses to let husband have any claim on the house because she pays more and charges him ‘rent’. If she was a man people would certainly be crying ‘financial abuse’.

To me, they sound like a couple who have decided to keep their financial affairs separate in their second marriage. The "rent" is the OP's husband's contribution to the household bills. From what I understand, they have a nanny for their joint child so it's not like he's running around after the little one or a SAHP who can't access paid work. It would be interesting to know from the OP who pays for this nanny - do they both pay half or does the OP fund the nanny by herself? Presumably her husband has all of his salary minus the £500 to play with. The OP even states in her initial post that this was done with the intention of him being able to invest elsewhere or buy his own place.

I really don't see where the financial abuse is. She's covering the majority of their family living expenses and funding the family home. Meanwhile he's living at very little expense and is able to build up financial resources to walk away at any point should he choose.

This thread has made me feel blue. I mean some of the responses are so ridiculous they should just make me laugh but they aren't, they are touching a nerve with me.

The OP should move the baby into her room? The OP should set up in a corner of a shared living area? Why should OP do these things?

But even the more reasonable sounding ones telling her to give a choice to DH and children in the house.

She is one of the two adults in the house. She has a pressing need for her WFH space. I suspect the reason she's posting is more subtle; that she is not being supported by her DH or entitled to make a house decision.

It really upsets me because it drives home how blatantly disregarded SMs are. She's not allowed reclaim her own office in the house that she pays for? She needs to get permission from her SKs?

Op I would be asking DH does he have any suggestions on how to redistribute the remaining rooms after you have reclaimed your office excluding your 2 year old son's room obviously?

Practically speaking, a new loft conversion is a major expense and upheaval. If what you do falls under building regs, they are onerous. The need for insulation will shrink the room by about six inches on each wall.

In a tall house, you'd have a lot of changes to make in every room of the house - fire alarms and fire doors, for example.

Probably worth talking to an architect about the possibilities first.

@SpaceshiptoMars
The loft conversation already has a bedroom in it which one of the children is using

@BungleandGeorge
The loft conversion may be an old one that predates the latest regs. Any significant changes to it may trigger the need to adhere to the newer rules. Precisely what counts as significant change requires advice - so anything like permanent walls, significant electrics, new rooflights, plumbing up into the loft space - all potential factors needing permissions depending on the area.

I thought you had to adhere to the rules whether the conversion is new or old? If it doesn’t adhere to basic standards then it’s not officially a bedroom, or is that incorrect (I don’t know)?

@BungleandGeorge
You don't have to put in all the fire prevention stuff if you don't alter an existing (legal at the time) conversion. Selling it may be another matter, further down the track.

Thanks I get what you mean that if it doesn’t meet building regs a builder may not want to do the further work of putting in the stud wall because they are altering it and might have some liability etc

@JosephineBaker

Why can't your son and stepson share? Your son would have the room to himself half the time, and share the other half.

They might not have much in common but you don't need to have anything in common, it's just part of family life. Family means compromises.

You need a place to work permanently, all 5 children need somewhere to sleep and have their clothes and stuff. You can't have teen boys in with teen girls, both deserve single sex space for privacy.

If it's 50% custody, you can't sideline your stepchildren. Your home is their home too.

I would see this as a back up option but would personally see two siblings partitioning the room (if possible, which I can see some doubt around in later comments) as preferable to two step siblings having to share. Not everything is about sidelining step kids.

@JosephineBaker

Why can't your son and stepson share? Your son would have the room to himself half the time, and share the other half.

They might not have much in common but you don't need to have anything in common, it's just part of family life. Family means compromises.

You need a place to work permanently, all 5 children need somewhere to sleep and have their clothes and stuff. You can't have teen boys in with teen girls, both deserve single sex space for privacy.

If it's 50% custody, you can't sideline your stepchildren. Your home is their home too.

Why should my lose his bedroom half the week? Why should he suffer rather than DSD especially given that it's HIS parent who is paying for all of this. That simply isn't going to happen. I would rather take the hit than DS. Added to that, DS and DSS are polar opposites and I guarantee you DSS would not come if he had to share a room with DS. DS goes to bed really late, super load, some behavioural issues I am currently struggling with. Plus his room is really small and has no room for another bed unless a blow-up mattress.

loud not load

She's 18. Maybe she can now stay at her mum FT and oy come to see her dad at
weekends.

WTF? 😂

@DarkMatterA2Z

The thing I can’t quite get my head around is that op is married with a child yet states the house is hers, refuses to let husband have any claim on the house because she pays more and charges him ‘rent’. If she was a man people would certainly be crying ‘financial abuse’.

To me, they sound like a couple who have decided to keep their financial affairs separate in their second marriage. The "rent" is the OP's husband's contribution to the household bills. From what I understand, they have a nanny for their joint child so it's not like he's running around after the little one or a SAHP who can't access paid work. It would be interesting to know from the OP who pays for this nanny - do they both pay half or does the OP fund the nanny by herself? Presumably her husband has all of his salary minus the £500 to play with. The OP even states in her initial post that this was done with the intention of him being able to invest elsewhere or buy his own place.

I really don't see where the financial abuse is. She's covering the majority of their family living expenses and funding the family home. Meanwhile he's living at very little expense and is able to build up financial resources to walk away at any point should he choose.

Thank you darkmatter, for understanding. I pay 90% of the nanny.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Practically speaking, a new loft conversion is a major expense and upheaval. If what you do falls under building regs, they are onerous. The need for insulation will shrink the room by about six inches on each wall.

In a tall house, you'd have a lot of changes to make in every room of the house - fire alarms and fire doors, for example.

Probably worth talking to an architect about the possibilities first.

Er, yes, totally! And given that I (ME ALONE) paid for the loft conversion when they moved in to give DSD a room, I am certainly not bankrolling any more of it. Christ almighty.

@winterrabbit

Twoforthree, that it likely what will happen (splitting the room) or, more likely, I'll say nothing and continue working in my bedroom. Another option is to try to include a work area in DSD's larger room and work in it 3 days although kind of defeats the purpose of having a dedicated workspace which is what i wanted given that I am losing my workspace in the office so will no longer have an office of any kind. I guess it doesn't matter if this increases my "hurt and tension", right?

Your work is paying for all this.

Take the room you need to work, divide the room and explain this to the kids.

They will understand because they’re old enough to under

Present it as a decision made to everyone because it IS what needs to happen.

I agree completely. Kids need a proper home base. Except your DH has them 50:50 so he doesn’t have to pay their mum any maintenance. The pay off for this is he has to provide for them half of the time. Except he’s not providing them with a home, you are.

OP I think you should have the entire loft as your workspace. You earn the money to pay for all this and should be able to work in peace quiet and space. Families have to compromise all the time and your ability to work is vital for the whole family. You are worth it!!!

@BusyLizzie61 you’re a nasty piece of work aren’t you? OP’s ‘not cut out for family life’ because she needs a home office to continue providing a roof over everyone’s heads, including her SC?

Op your DH must have something special as it seems you bought the house, house his kids 50% of the time, fund 90% of the expenses. What does he bring to the party?

Where are you suggesting dsd sleeps when she is here? I expect as long as she has a bed somewhere and a set of drawers to keep some things she will be ok. Just be careful how to discuss it so she doesn't go from feeling like it is her home to she is a visitor but as long as you manage that message it seems fair.