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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepkids - rooms

258 replies

winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 18:20

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JSL52 · 09/04/2021 19:43

I think , explain to him your work is changing and you now need a permanent home office. Splitting the loft for step children seems ideal.
You have had an unfair bashing here , but as you know MN doesn't like step mothers.

needadvice54321 · 09/04/2021 20:18

@Feelinghothothottoday

Op your DH must have something special as it seems you bought the house, house his kids 50% of the time, fund 90% of the expenses. What does he bring to the party?

I wonder this too, what's happened? Has it always been like this?

Lollypop701 · 09/04/2021 21:51

I get the separate financials, to a point. But why are you paying the nanny 90%? At this point you’re funding most everything? I think you tried to be over fair because he’s not on the mortgage. That shouldn’t mean you are responsible for all of everything... food, nanny, house hold bills. I think you need to discuss.

weewitch · 09/04/2021 22:10

@Feelinghothothottoday

Op your DH must have something special as it seems you bought the house, house his kids 50% of the time, fund 90% of the expenses. What does he bring to the party?

I wondered this as well. Also, surely if you're married, he owns half the house regardless of you trying to keep it separate?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 09/04/2021 22:18

Nope that's an age old assumptions that isn't actually true tbf. Depends on length of marriage and assets acquired when and circs.
Good luck op. Hope it gets sorted x

BungleandGeorge · 09/04/2021 23:50

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Nope that's an age old assumptions that isn't actually true tbf. Depends on length of marriage and assets acquired when and circs. Good luck op. Hope it gets sorted x

No you don’t automatically get 50% on day 1 but they do have a legitimate claim and if you’ve been married a few years with children between you and they have less earning potential they’re likely to have a successful claim for a sizeable share. Presuming this is in England where pre-nups are not recognised the only way to stay financially independent if you have much larger assets than your partner is not to get married.

sassbott · 10/04/2021 08:48

@Pleaseaddcaffine the Op has said this is London. She also has a joint child with him. Longer term (pre nups are still not legally enforceable in English law as they are the US), yes he could have a claim. Not only for himself but also to house his children / maintenance for the children. The latter is extreme granted. Google Nigel havers re the fight he had with his recently deceased sons. He got financial provision for not only himself but his daughter (overturned the will).

sassbott · 10/04/2021 08:49

Sorry I should say his deceased wives sons. Granted it was a good few years ago but I don’t believe the law has changed and that challenge would still be valid today.

alwayslearning789 · 10/04/2021 09:47

"28Feelinghothothottoday
Op your DH must have something special as it seems you bought the house, house his kids 50% of the time, fund 90% of the expenses. What does he bring to the party?"

Honestly.... Reading through this thread this is also what I am wondering.

And you pay 90% of the cost of the nanny for your joint child?

Increasingly looks like the frustration of working to support Everything and Everybody, is the root cause here and the need for an office is the symptom of a much bigger issue.

Turfing the 18 year old out will not solve the underlying issue.

FishyFriday · 10/04/2021 09:51

It's not turning out an 18 year old though. It's just offering a less favourable sleeping arrangement. That happens to many 18 year olds in any kind of family.

Berthatydfil · 10/04/2021 09:55

When my older son went off to university my younger son moved into his room - he repainted it and we bought a new bed curtains etc. my older son had the smaller room for when he was home in the holidays.

He doesn’t seem physiologically damaged by this.

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2021 10:22

@FishyFriday

It's not turning out an 18 year old though. It's just offering a less favourable sleeping arrangement. That happens to many 18 year olds in any kind of family.

Exactly. I think it's perfectly natural and conventional that 18+ year old's who are capable of moving out and supporting themselves are the first to compromise when it comes to living space, especially if they aren't contributing to the household.

And it does happen in a huge amount of cases, because not everybody has 7 bedroom mansions allowing for everything the family could possibly need indefinitely.

Twoforthree · 10/04/2021 10:30

Twoforthree, that it likely what will happen (splitting the room) or, more likely, I'll say nothing and continue working in my bedroom.

I hope you've had a chance to speak to everyone, op. You do need to raise the subject. Please don't stay quiet as you said was quite likely.

I've been harsh with you on this thread, not because I don't think you need the office. You do. I just want you to present it in such a way that the dsd doesn't feel pushed out, and the way you've been speaking on this thread makes that seem a definite possibility. Maybe in real life you will be a little bit more empathetic. Why is it more likely you won't say anything and stay in the bedroom rather than splitting the rooms? You can say something but still be mindful of how it comes across to dsd. You don't want her to feel pushed out but that doesn't mean abandoning the idea of your office.
Just approach it from her perspective
"look I know it must be annoying or upsetting to have to give up the large attic room, but I really need an office now I'm working from home. I've thought about all the options but the best way I can see is splitting the attic room. You guys are older now, don't have as much stuff and won't be around as long as the other kids, as you get older and more independent. I know you'll be mature enough to understand that this is necessary, even if it is a bit disappointing. Sorry guys." And don't get angry if the dsc get a bit upset initially. They may need a bit of time to process the change. Be sympathetic but firm.

Please don't abandon the idea of the office. But don't push your older dsd out. She may be 18 but she's still a child who views her home at yours in the same way as she does her home at her mums. 50% means she doesn't have a MAIN home. Be kind.

BungleandGeorge · 10/04/2021 11:00

Although everyone has concentrated on the 18 year old, op did say that she would like to reclaim one or both rooms for her office in her post, so both step children as she doesn’t think the 50:50 works

BungleandGeorge · 10/04/2021 11:02

And she said she didn’t want to pay to split the attic room so I presume that isn’t an option

Bumply · 10/04/2021 11:48

Some people get fixated on children having a room of their own.
I'm single parent to two boys and they've always shared a room.
Same sex makes it easier, but they shared until ds1 was 18 and went to Uni which involved him moving to his Dad's as it was in commuting distance.
Their room then became Ds2's although there's still two beds (which are StudyBed so they convert between bed and desk).

Ds1 has finished Uni and his Dad effectively turfed him out once lockdown rules eased last year so at 23 he's back here until Covid stops affecting his ability to get a job related to his degree (he works at Amazon for now).

He understands that DS2 has made the room his own and he sleeps on the sofa and has a desk for his PC in the living room.

OP is fortunate in having a house large enough for each to have their own room, but circumstances have changed and she needs to pull one of those rooms back into being an office. My thoughts are that either the two dsc share a room, or the 18 year old has a room to sleep in, but accepts that it can't be used during the day. (And I can recommend the StudyBed which rotates between bed and desk where you can leave everything on the desk when in bed mode, it's just tucked underneath)

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2021 11:51

@BungleandGeorge

And she said she didn’t want to pay to split the attic room so I presume that isn’t an option

I assumed what she meant was she expected her husband to pay for it.

19lottie82 · 10/04/2021 12:52

When my older son went off to university my younger son moved into his room

The DSD doesn’t go to uni for another year.

FishyFriday · 10/04/2021 12:57

@19lottie82

When my older son went off to university my younger son moved into his room

The DSD doesn’t go to uni for another year.

Only because she has vague plans for a gap year of dossing about.

It's not a young adult's basic right to hang around a parent's house in a dedicated bedroom all day while taking 'a year out'.

And even then, kids getting toward adulthood should understand that they will be asked to compromise on bedroom arrangements where space is at a premium.

Jaxhog · 10/04/2021 13:05

I think it's time for the rest of the family to step up and find a way to give you a home office. Without your salary, they wouldn't be in the cushy position they are now in. They need to respect that and do whatever they can to make your work possible.

bells1970 · 10/04/2021 13:13

@Feelinghothothottoday

Op your DH must have something special as it seems you bought the house, house his kids 50% of the time, fund 90% of the expenses. What does he bring to the party?

A big 🍆

Starseeking · 10/04/2021 18:41

If I were you, I would split the loft room into two, then DSD could have one, and DSS the other, and you could have your office back. Given you paid for it all to be converted in the first place, your DH should be forking out the money required to do this, from the mountain he will have saved from effectively paying you digs money while living in a relative palace.

What does your DH suggest to resolve this issue?

Oldbutstillgotit · 11/04/2021 10:29

This thread is bonkers . How can anyone think it is reasonable that the OP who is the main breadwinner should make do with the corner of a room to earn that income !?

FishyFriday · 11/04/2021 10:40

@Oldbutstillgotit

This thread is bonkers . How can anyone think it is reasonable that the OP who is the main breadwinner should make do with the corner of a room to earn that income !?

There's a stepchild who might be inconvenienced involved. So the OP should clearly flagellate herself for even considering her need for a workspace. And even worse, imagining that her toddler needs a bedroom at all.

needadvice54321 · 11/04/2021 10:41

@Oldbutstillgotit

This thread is bonkers . How can anyone think it is reasonable that the OP who is the main breadwinner should make do with the corner of a room to earn that income !?

Some families don't have the luxury of clearing a bedroom and have to make do with working in a corner?!

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