Stepkids - rooms

[winterrabbit]

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

What does dh think about the fact that you don't view the place where his kids spend half their time, as their actual home, on an equal par with their other home at which they spend exactly the same amount of time?
You are basically saying you think their mum is more important than their dad. I think he'd be quite hurt by that.

I disagree that they have to have the same in each home and that their needs should override mine and my DCs. There is no rule book that says they must have a room in each house. I know many families where the parents split, dad moved to a smaller place and mum kept family home and dad doesn't have space to give each DC a room. Finances surely don't allow both parent to keep a house big enough to provide each child a room. You are effectively doubling up. Maybe ok in some cities but in London it's super expensive.

@WaterBottle123

It didn't mean any of those things for me ..

Anyway, my opinion might not be a popular one and no one needs to take it as advice

@Twoforthree

What does dh think about the fact that you don't view the place where his kids spend half their time, as their actual home, on an equal par with their other home at which they spend exactly the same amount of time? You are basically saying you think their mum is more important than their dad. I think he'd be quite hurt by that.

I'm not saying that at all. Just that it makes sense to have one main home. Not sure why that't such a big deal. My DSs don't have 2 homes. They have their main home and their dad's house. Doesn't make their dad less important than me. It isn't their family home regardless of how much time they spend there.

I'm glad I was never a stepchild, it must be grim having to split your time between homes, and then being treated differently in a house that you spend 50% of your time in, so effectively your home

Realistically OP, the result of having your DSD and DSS share a room is likely to be the end of the 50/50 arrangement as they vote with their feet to stay at their mum's. So maybe consider whether you and your DH are OK with that.

@ineedaholidaynow

I'm glad I was never a stepchild, it must be grim having to split your time between homes, and then being treated differently in a house that you spend 50% of your time in, so effectively your home

Or you could see it as you get double of everything, get to pick the best house to live in, double holidays, double Christmas, double Easter eggs etc. I know for a fact that my DCS enjoy it hence why they maintain the 50/50 split. Presumably if it was so bad they would ask to reduce the split? They are older enough, after all, to decide where they want to spend their time?

@ineedaholidaynow

I'm glad I was never a stepchild, it must be grim having to split your time between homes, and then being treated differently in a house that you spend 50% of your time in, so effectively your home

Same, it’s upsetting enough to read.

Just that it makes sense to have one main home. Not sure why that't such a big deal. I don't disagree, but that's not what has happened. For all these years, dad has had 50%. They will all find it difficult to see why that needs to change now when you have such a large house and another alternative is possible. As a pp said just now, they can have a room split into two. They don't need to be very big rooms. They just need to see you care about them and don't want to oust them out.

Perhaps after a chat, she'll offer to stay more at her mum's or something, but if you are not careful op, you could create tension and hurt when it is probably possible to avoid it, if handed carefully.

Was the 50% arrangement agreed before or after you meet dh? You do seem quite resentful.

Twoforthree, that it likely what will happen (splitting the room) or, more likely, I'll say nothing and continue working in my bedroom. Another option is to try to include a work area in DSD's larger room and work in it 3 days although kind of defeats the purpose of having a dedicated workspace which is what i wanted given that I am losing my workspace in the office so will no longer have an office of any kind. I guess it doesn't matter if this increases my "hurt and tension", right?

No, I've said all along, you do need an office. It's not great to work in your bedroom. Just be careful how you handle it, because you've come across as quite cold and unfeeling on this thread. Just empathise with her a bit about what a shame it is that things need to change, but change they must, and let her see that you are thinking of it from her perspective too.

@winterrabbit so you say your step kids like the 50:50 arrangement but then you are saying the DSD should make the choice which is her home

@Twoforthree 40% of the time.
And I thank my lucky stars every day that they are kind, compassionate, un-entitled people who get that in any family - traditional, blended or extended - compromises may have to be made based on circumstances/needs etc.

Regardless of whether or not all the DCs live in your home 100% of the time, the current room situation needs to change because circumstances have changed. The eldest two probably need less room for playing with toys than the younger ones do and three of the older ones will need a desk/similar for regular homework. Your toddler is unlikely to have homework just yet so doesn't need a work space or desk but does need to nap during the day and to play in his room whereas the nearly 18-yr-old is unlikely to have regular homework for much longer and even if she continues studying in London after her gap year, it's 18 months before she'll regularly need a desk and circumstances might be different again by then.

There are six spaces but seven are needed. It sounds as though there's scope for the loft room to be properly divided into two smaller rooms, with a dividing wall and proper doors. Depending on the shape of the loft room and the distribution of windows, it might be that one of those rooms gets 2/3 of the space and the second gets 1/3. If the two resulting rooms are not of a similar size, it makes sense for the larger of the two to be the bedroom and the smaller to be an office space. If both rooms are of a similar size, there is more flexibility, particularly if you involve the 15-yr-old's existing room too e.g. offer him and DSD the choice of both being upstairs in the newly constructed loft rooms (his current room becomes your office) or as he will presumably have GCSEs and sixth form over the next couple of years, maybe he could move up to the loft away from the younger children, DSD have his current room and you have the second loft room as your office?

I wonder if you could talk to your DH first then both of sit down with your DSD and DSS and a diagram of the rooms up for discussion. Explain the need to construct a proper office space in the home and that it will involve the loft being used differently but that it's important to you that everyone still has their own bedroom. Talk them through the possibililties you've come up with and ask them to have a think about what they'd like to do as well as for other ideas involving those same two rooms. Suggest they look at Pinterest for loft room designs or at online listings for similar houses with loft rooms to help them visualise the different spaces.

If approached as an emotional project then I think it runs the risk of feeling as though there's a lot at stake. Viewed as a more pragmatic issue that can be solved with a bit of imagination and compromise gives space for everyone's needs to be met and no-one to feel pushed out.

@RosieGuacamosie - how about the op retires as she has no viable work space as the sdc cannot possibly be put out?
See how long they all last in a nice house with separate bedrooms then - seeing as how it's the op who's basically funding this lifestyle!

@Springsnake

Wow How deprived was I Every weekend at my dads house ,a put me up bed in the corner of the lounge ..tiniest bit of space ever ,and the bed had to be folded up in the day ..while his new step kids had bedrooms.. But I had a bedroom at my mums house ,with all my things in I was not hard done to I just didn’t expect two bed rooms . When did things change to make children so entitled

It's always been expected to provide a bed for your child. My grandparents split up.when my mother was young and my grandfather made sure he had enough room for his children. Absolutely zero fucking chance he would have done this. Imagine if your mother had the same attitude as you wasnt there full time either. Such low standards of men. Mothers are considered the main parent with the dad as the optional extra.

OP, my DCs stepmum is a PITA, but even with this potential background bias I agree with your logic. You are the one financing the house that they can all live in and why should you not have a dedicated office space & DSC use loft rooms. It's also ridiculous to suggest any of the DC move into your bedroom as none are under 6mth old.

I can see why you would feel frustrated at working so hard and not having support from your DH to already have a better WFH solution.

OP have you actually discussed this with your DH and/or the children to see if anyone offers up a solution?

Seems to be that there’s a lot of angst and assumptions before anyone’s actually got pissy?

Maybe the kids will surprise you and someone will offer to share?

You don’t like the 50/50 split but that’s obviously what their Dad has had as agreement for years. They don’t have a ‘main’ residence, they spend an equal time with Dad so you need to provide a reasonable sleeping area. From what I can see the only suggestion that you consider ok is splitting the attic room between them. Which is fine if you can get that done with a door and window each that may be the option. How many reception rooms do you have? Is there a dining room or snug you can use? It’s not unreasonable to expect your daughter to keep the noise down or go to her room with her friends during the working day. Also, you refer to him as your husband. If you are married he still has a claim on your house and finances whether he’s on the deeds or not

@ineedaholidaynow

I'm glad I was never a stepchild, it must be grim having to split your time between homes, and then being treated differently in a house that you spend 50% of your time in, so effectively your home

It isn't.

In one house I had more siblings and other relations, while in the other house I ended up with much more space as a teen.

In fact I ended up going to specifically visit other siblings when I was in the house with more space....

I have 4 kids and 2 s/kids. The 2 year old is still in our room. The s/kids did share the old master bedroom but have dropped their time with us down to occasional weekends. At the same time as this one of the other children had a serious surgery with a long recovery and needed a lower bed ( had a huge loft bed) and the current room didn't suffice. We then swapped the rooms around so the s/kids now have the smallest room. This wasn't ideal for them but it was necessary for the child recovering from surgery.

The s/kids live 3 hours drive away and are starting to prefer to stay in their local area so they can see their friends etc on the weekends.
Meanwhile the 22 year old has moved out completely to dad's house in the next suburb as it's "quieter" and the 20 yr old will go at some stage in the next 2 years.

I'm waiting it out for a bedroom for the toddler and hoping one day to have space for an office again.

In your shoes the toddler definitely keeps a bedroom ( naps, nappy changes, earlier bed time and with that many kids you need your own space for time out).

Now my actual suggestions are.

1. Spilt the atic room into two smaller rooms and I'm imagining that this may be slightly awkward because you need a door/way for both? Builders can do this and a small room is still better than sharing. Murphy beds can be inbuilt too.

I'd actually put two least annoying/ loud/ likely to fight kids up there. (Doesn't matter whether it's steps or your own - not the toddler obviously).

2.Then take the room you want as an office down stairs - if there's a kid in it then move them out to the newly vacated room. You working from home is now a long term arrangement and you NEED to be able to work.

1. Revisit this arrangement if and when things change but keep your office as the priority.

If one of the kids moves out for uni you can take the partioning out and a kid who is still at home gets a big room.

Best of luck. I get it, really I do!

Wtaf? Why?
She houses in London a lot of children adequately without sharing, which is a bloody miracle tbh. Now due to a pandemic has to work form home, which she needs to pay for said home. It's a non choice, shit happens.
Expecting children to share or split a room with deviders isn't wicked it's pratical.
What is she lost her job and they had to downsize...?
Or just maybe there dad could choose to put more money in and rent or buy a bigger house! 500 quid for rent in London for a family home is basically free living

@BusyLizzie61 I’ve reported your post.

I for one 100% back the OP. Only over entitled people think that a person who works fulltime, pays the mortgage and affords a lovely lifestyle shouldn’t be able to use their home to meet their needs.

Let’s all be perfectly clear here. This isn’t the Op doing this because she wants a walk in wardrobe to house her collection of shoes/ handbags (although I would argue her home, her choice), she’s doing this because she is now permanently based at home. That means no interim measures anymore. She needs a room that she can close the door on each day, a room she can kit out as she wishes to completely suit her needs. A room she can leave things out (not have to tidy up) because it’s a shared space.

The only people being questionable on this thread are the ones who are evidently projecting this scenario happening on their own children. Get over yourselves. Her home. She pays the bulk of it via her job. A job that now requires her to be based at home. As such her needs are 100% prioritised.

I’ve only read your posts OP, I completely get what you’re saying, however, you say the step kids have a 50/50 split....do they consider their mums their MAIN home??? I have 50/50 with my kids (you’re right, I don’t think it works either!!!!!) however, mine have a full week with me, then a full week with their dad, so there is no “main” in this scenario and they have their own rooms and own stuff at each houses. It kinda sounds like your set up is similar but just on a 3.5 day basis?!

We have my SDD 6/14 days, the girls share. I don’t consider it that my SDD is “staying in” my dds room....its their shared room (would love extend/convert loft to give everyone their own room but unfortunately I’m poor)

So I have no advice...just chucking in another view point for you to consider!