Stepkids - rooms

[winterrabbit]

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

Hi OP it sounds like you are doing far too much and have snapped. Have you spoken to DH. What's his solution? It is ultimately his problem to solve.

I agree with bigvig. The SDC should really have their own rooms but it's not your problem, it's your DH's. You've been very good about sorting everything for everyone but ultimately he needs to pay for and organise the solution.

The problem here is not simply whether the step children should have a dedicated bedroom.
They have been given a dedicated bedroom and now you're talking about taking it away even though their use of it hasn't changed.
You must be able to see the difference.

No one should have their bedroom taken away, step children or OPs own children, and certainly sharing with the two year old is not fair either.

However I think all the older children (and parents) are old enough to understand the need for the office and that that might mean having to change rooms to a different room. They can look at it positively as a chance to redecorate.

So pick the best room to divide, create enough rooms and then decide which person in which room makes the most sense. It might be that 18yr old has the smallest space as she's the least likely to be there if working/travelling etc.

I can't see another solution which won't make the step children feel that they're in the way, and ultimately reduce their visits (which is really sad for their dad if they would have otherwise continued).

I'm sure, during the last year, many families have had to change sleeping arrangements and things to accommodate parents working from home. Circumstances change otherwise too and DSD is old enough to understand.

I also know I've heard many rejoice at the thought of children going back to school etc so not sure why it's wrong of OP to say she doesn't want DSD hanging around the house.

She's 18. Maybe she can now stay at her mum FT and oy come to see her dad at weekends.

Set up the room to be an office AND a room for her at the weekend. She'll need to clear it up at the end of the weekend.

Gap year, she should be working. She can pay her mum something towards her stay.

You say to your dh and dc/dsc
I have a problem - I have been working in the bedroom through lockdown it hasn’t been easy but the thought it was only temporary was keeping me going and I have been counting down the days until I was able to get back to the office.
I have now had the bombshell that my offices will be closing so there is no office to go back to and I will be permanently wfh. I’m not able to keep working in my bedroom indefinitely so I need a solution. I don’t think it’s unfair to remind you all that I work hard to pay the mortgage to keep this house so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that my situation is addressed.
Also let’s all assume that I’m not looking for a new job or a new house.
I have a couple of non negotiables and some possible solutions but would like to hear what your thoughts are.
Non negotiables
1-I have a separate office space to work in where I can have a desk, 2 screens, printer .... whatever
2- baby ds doesn’t come into our room he keeps his room as this isn’t fair on him or us
Solutions
Rent an office elsewhere
Some of the children share
We rejig the rooms and split the attic room so that everyone keeps their own room
Anything else ????

See what they suggest

[quote sassbott]@BusyLizzie61 I’ve reported your post.

I for one 100% back the OP. Only over entitled people think that a person who works fulltime, pays the mortgage and affords a lovely lifestyle shouldn’t be able to use their home to meet their needs.

Let’s all be perfectly clear here. This isn’t the Op doing this because she wants a walk in wardrobe to house her collection of shoes/ handbags (although I would argue her home, her choice), she’s doing this because she is now permanently based at home. That means no interim measures anymore. She needs a room that she can close the door on each day, a room she can kit out as she wishes to completely suit her needs. A room she can leave things out (not have to tidy up) because it’s a shared space.

The only people being questionable on this thread are the ones who are evidently projecting this scenario happening on their own children. Get over yourselves. Her home. She pays the bulk of it via her job. A job that now requires her to be based at home. As such her needs are 100% prioritised.[/quote]
What are you at school still and telling on me!

The op has painted herself in the manner I alluded to. Her doing.

She has no concerns over the sc, they're simply collateral damage.

I wonder why she'd have bothered marrying and embarking on additional children when she so obviously wasn't made for family life, compromises etc and is so eager to throw all of the children to the wolves for her gain and a further broken home for her biological children.

and is so eager to throw all of the children to the wolves for her gain
A tad of an over exaggeration maybe?
And what exactly is op gaining here @BusyLizzie61? An office space so she can keep working efficiently & effectively in order to keep everyone with a nice roof over their heads? How mean & awful of her! Yes I can really see how this 'gain' is throwing the children to the wolves!
Honestly - get a grip.

I wouldn't move the 2 year old. Probably has more stuff than everyone else put together, and you need your own space. I would also convert the loft into two.

I wonder why she'd have bothered marrying and embarking on additional children when she so obviously wasn't made for family life, compromises etc and is so eager to throw all of the children to the wolves for her gain and a further broken home for her biological children.

ODFO. This is the second thread you've been on in no more days where you've been spouting absolutely preposterous nonsense.

"Wasn't made for family life"? Please. I know many 18 year olds who no longer had the bedroom they grew up in beyond that point, either because younger siblings who were previously sharing had been upgraded, or because they weren't there anymore and their parents needed the space. My own, very pampered and emotionally secure 30 year old sister who still technically has "her room" at my parents house, had it totally redecorated to a neutral guest room at 18. All this is completely normal and conventional. It is laughable that you would use such ridiculously emotive language for perfectly normal, loving parents like mine. It really is.

Now, there isn't a younger sibling who needs DSDs room in this case, but there is an equally important altered need. OP now works there permanently and needs a dedicated office. The mental health outlook for somebody permanently working ar home in the corner of their bedroom would be poor. That is perfectly valid, and the larger bedroom can be easily partitioned for the two SC. That is the obvious solution, and will be a more generous one than many parents, who can no longer accommodate a dedicated bedroom for their adult children at all. None of them are "not cut out for family life" or "throwing the children to the wolves". Stop being such a drama queen and come back to the real world.

I think your step children are so lucky to have their own rooms, but circumstances have changed and, for your well-being and mental health, you need a comfortable workspace at home. No one wins if you end up being signed off from work with stress.

Having your own bedroom is not a human right. Having a safe place to sleep is!

I shared with my sister and then moved onto a what was almost a cupboard at 15, when my brother left home. God, my parents' needs would always come first! As a friend once said, parents get 2 votes & kids get 1. You need to work, you're the breadwinner.

I'd partition the loft for the step children (they could choose how they decorate it to soften the blow - sell it as your step son as them getting older and them needing more privacy as teens).

And then move into your new office and get it as nice as you can, now you'll be in it every day for potentially YEARS!

I'll probably be shot down in flames by the first wives brigade for this but there's no way my step children would have a bedroom here at 18 if it was needed for someone or something else. Yes they will always be welcome to visit but they also have a home somewhere else and they do not need a whole bedroom here that sits empty most of the time. DH and I have already discussed the fact that at some point DSS's bedroom will be changed for one of our shared resident children to go into as 2 of ours currently share. Yes that means DSS would lose "his" bedroom but the reality is that he is only here a few nights a week at the most and our children live here and don't have another home, whereas he has a bedroom at his mums to call his own.

When we didn't have a bedroom for DSS before our extension he slept on a sofa bed in the dining room.. anyone want to call childline
He actually loved the novelty of it and the fact it was in front of a massive TV but MN will have you believe he's traumatised and will spend the rest of his life in therapy...

There is also no way on this earth I would have a toddler in our room with us so that step children get to call a bedroom their own for minimal nights a month/week, also meaning a child that lives there doesn't have a bedroom over step children getting 2 bedrooms. Seriously MN is bonkers when it comes to step children.

OP in your situation I would be telling DH you need the room back in your house and it's up to him to sort out. Have you got any other living space downstairs that could accommodate a sofa bed etc?

Well isn't this thread a lovely example of the shit stepmums get.

Obviously you're awful and not cut out for family life because you aren't willing to sit hunched up in a makeshift workspace as you earn the money to house everyone. And the kids that are there 100% if the time just aren't as important as the much older ones there 50% of the time. It's all your fault.

I think the earlier suggestions that you choose the smaller of the DSC's rooms and reclaim that as an office and then put the onus into your DH to figure out how to use the other room to accommodate his older kids are probably the most sensible. You need a properly kitted out permanent home office. That's a priority for the household, and not just you.

I don't understand the horror about two teenage siblings semi-sharing a mostly partitioned loft room. Even if they are different sexes. It gives them some privacy within the available space. And they have their own rooms elsewhere.

@BusyLizzie61 grow up.

Actually I think I know you in RL. Based on the insane rants you post on these threads, are you my exp’s EW? Would make a lot of sense of you were. Her children are rolled in platinum, dipped in diamonds and require rose petals to be liberally strewn in their path whilst songwriters pen odes to their beauty.

I wonder why she'd have bothered marrying and embarking on additional children when she so obviously wasn't made for family life, compromises etc and is so eager to throw all of the children to the wolves for her gain and a further broken home for her biological children.

FFS

Interesting you mentioned compromises. How about the 18 year old compromises instead of the OP, and the op’s 2 year old who probably has the most stuff anyway?

We are going to have an issue like this in the next couple of years (albeit with mostly younger children). DH is changing job to a permanent WFH role and the hunger of bedrooms does not exceed the occupancy of the house.

It's a 5 bed terrace. There are 2 of us and 5 children. My eldest is 20 (boy). I also have an 11 year old boy (here 11/14 nights). And we have a baby boy (always here). DH has a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy (here 5/14 nights).

My eldest opted to move out rather than live here. He was 19 and that's his choice. He didn't want to live with the DSC. My DH does not seem to accept that this is a factor in anything, or see the fact he's got no room to stay in ever as a problem.

Currently DH has an office in the box room, DS, DSD and DSS have large double rooms each and the baby is in with us. The box room (controversially I think, given that two bedrooms are empty more than half the time) would have been the baby's room. But DH isn't going to permanently WFH in the corner of our room. That'd be ridiculous.

So he's going to have to figure out how to make sure that the baby has a bedroom since he's always here. And my DS needs a bedroom too, as he's almost always here, not actually related to the DSC and too much older to share with a baby/toddler (or even DSS). The DSC share a room at their mum's and there's no other space.

Personally I do not think the baby should have to share with DSS for many reasons (several related to DSS's behaviour and DH's refusal to stop him being difficult, aggressive and horrible to others; others about the need for the baby to have some bloody consistency in his life and feel like something other than an afterthought in his only home with his only parents). But that will be a fight as DH insists his DD requires her own room here (even though she won't have one at her mum's). He won't be up for semi-partitioning her large room so they can share either. I mean, he won't tell her off when she behaves badly (lest she is upset) so he's not going to be up for reducing her space. He's already being stupid about the fact that my DS's room is slightly bigger than his DD's (and she should obviously get the biggest and best every time).

If I'm honest, this issue (and others) really do make separate houses look like the only real option.

Her children are rolled in platinum, dipped in diamonds and require rose petals to be liberally strewn in their path whilst songwriters pen odes to their beauty.
Oh this is brilliant @sassbott

Post of the day goes to @Magda72. Properly pissing myself laughing at this 😂😂😂

Oooops! Sorry! I didn’t realise Magda was quoting @sassbott! Sassbott.. you win! Absolute hysterical 😂😂😂

@winterrabbit have you actually spoken to your DH yet?

You sound increasingly stressed, less tolerant and more resentful as the thread has gone on - and I don't blame you as you are in a difficult position hanging on by your last nerve.

But... it does sound like it's all escalating in your emotional inner world before you've even had this discussion and found out what your DH and rest of the family think, and what solutions they can come up with.

I hope that if you lay this out as a problem to be solved collectively that your family will come up with a solution that is acceptable to all, and that meets your need for a dedicated office. I don't think you need to throw your weight around with 'I pay all the bills around here' - I'm sure they know that and it's not really relevant - everyone should be respectful of everyone else's needs anyway.

good luck OP!

Cant you split the attic into 2 rooms for the dsc?

I read through this thread just waiting for the critics to come out of the woodwork and slate the OP. I wasn't disappointed!

OP, I know you didn't ask if you WBU, but of course you're not. It seems to me that you've bent over backwards to provide a family home for all the children in your care, at your own considerable expense, and it is not unreasonable that you should be able to prioritise your job, which after all has funded most of it, and your ability to do it well from home.

It seems that there are some other families who are raising some pretty entitled kids, if this thread is anything to go by.

I know many 18 year olds who no longer had the bedroom they grew up in beyond that point, either because younger siblings who were previously sharing had been upgraded, or because they weren't there anymore and their parents needed the space.

This was me! My “home” was with my mother and step dad, however the day after I left for uni at 18 one of my brothers moved into my old room. I didn’t care a jot - I was “grown up” and leaving. When I came home as a student I slept in the spare room, it seemed appropriate.

Nobody knows whether the step children are ‘entitled’ or not as it seems nobody has discussed the matter with them.
The wish to have a home office is perfectly valid. The thing I can’t quite get my head around is that op is married with a child yet states the house is hers, refuses to let husband have any claim on the house because she pays more and charges him ‘rent’. If she was a man people would certainly be crying ‘financial abuse’. Perhaps she’s one of the people who use husband and are not legally married but otherwise I can’t understand why people are endorsing it