Stepkids - rooms

[winterrabbit]

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

@suzzze

I honestly think the best thing would be to move the 2 year old into your room. I understand he is there 100 percent of the time but he will be just as happy playing and napping elsewhere. Could also have the office as a playroom too. Moving the teens will probably cause the most upset so I would avoid that if possible. That's just what I would do though

@suzzze

Jesus wept, the OP is entitled to her own room and not a celibate life!

Only on Mumsnet

No not all stepkids have their own rooms, but yours have and to simply take it back now sucks
How are children who are this cossetted going to cope with entry level jobs? If they are taught that their wants trump the needs of those who pay for their shelter, how will they ever learn to have any respect for their bosses? And if they don't learn that respect, how will they hold down a job?

If taking it back is the only option, then it can be done with kindness and empathy which the op hasn't shown much of, on this thread But the op seems to have other options so hopefully one can be found where the 18 year old isn't made to feel as if she is unimportant and unvalued.

Start by looking at this the opposite way round. You need one room in the house ax an office. It must have a landline (?) and wifi. Will your wifi reach the loft? Work out all the rooms which meet your work requirements then rule them in or out before discussing a shortlist with the wider family. Are there any other rooms available which could convert - dining room, space on the landing etc. that can also be considered, or other rooms that can be divided into two?

@WaterBottle123

I didn't say she wasn't entitled to her own life? That's a bit dramatic. I just said what I would do in that situation. The way I look at it is if you move the teens then it could cause more drama than it's worth and the two year old wouldn't bother either way. I shared with my first until he was 4 so maybe this option doesn't sound horrifying to me, as it does to you

It's so depressing to see some posters yet again campaigning for DSC's every need to be everybody's absolute priority and acting as if the slightest inconvenience to them will traumatise them whilst at the same time completely discounting that the children of the OP have any needs or feelings or status at all. In their own home, paid for by their mum, whilst the dad is heavily subsidised which in turn already greatly benefits the DSC. I cannot believe that some posters have suggested that the 2 year old should have no bedroom of his own and should share indefinitely with his parents. It's really beyond the pale.

@RosieGuacamosie You are batshit mad. Good lord.

OP - You tell your 18 year olds step daughter that you have to work from home permanently now and need an office so she will have to share. That is literally it.

@daisyjgrey yes batshit mad for saying opposite sec siblings over the age of puberty should have separate rooms . Even the piss poor government recognise this.

What’s batshit is people choosing to marry other people with children and then expecting the DSC to be turfed out when they become an inconvenience.

[quote RosieGuacamosie]@daisyjgrey yes batshit mad for saying opposite sec siblings over the age of puberty should have separate rooms . Even the piss poor government recognise this.

What’s batshit is people choosing to marry other people with children and then expecting the DSC to be turfed out when they become an inconvenience.[/quote]
Yawn, where has OP said she’s ‘turfing them out?

@MumblingMom
Yawn, where has OP said she’s ‘turfing them out?
She stated categorically that she couldn't bare her being there in the gap year. And the way she's focussing on the eldest is pretty much single minded and verging on bullying in temperament.

Those saying it's op's house, it shouldn't be. It should the family home of all. How sad that this is starting to come across as almost now verging into financial and emotional abuse if she continues in this vein and actually approaches it as she has suggested.

So dramatic!!! OP has posted to ask for a solution which she now has. She’s not throwing DSC out on her arse.

She stated categorically that she couldn't bare her being there in the gap year

Bullshit. She said SD had no plans for her gap year and she wasn’t keen on her hanging around the house 3.5 days a week.

You might have a bee in your bonnet about this issue, perhaps you’re projecting, but don’t make stuff up.

@BusyLizzie61

You're incredibly hey up over the fsct that the sc have rooms at yours and the mother's. That is irrelevant. You chose to welcome them into the home. Sadly, that means until they're ready to fly. So if the eldest decides to have the gap year and remain whilst at university or indeed post university, then that's not unreasonable and no different to what your biological children may opt to do; would you refuse this for your biological children? I doubt so when you're so obviously hey up over your children not possibly being able to compromise at all.

I struggle to believe that in your 5 bedroom house, with your nanny running after your child, that there isn't any compromise for alternative space for your office tbh. Rather it's not meeting your standards as you've decided that you're paying the mortgage that you've refused to allow your husband to supposedly contribute towards, means that you have the upper hand. That's not how marriages and families work. Unless you're opting to go for a second broken home for your children, you probably need to change your ott bolshy attitude and get some bloody empathy.
Either sit out until the eldest is off to uni. Ask for suggestions from the family. But don't prioritise your biological children.

Tbh, given that you're now wfh permanently, your narrow 5 bed terrace in London could easily be sold and a cheaper area which better meets the needs of everyone in the family could be bought....

Actually, if at 18 my DSs did have rooms at their dad's and we had lack of space, I would suggest that choose a house to have a main room at. Not reasonable to continue having 2 rooms unless both parents can easily afford it and it doesn't inconvenience anyone. It's not irrelevant that they have a room at their mum's. It''s completely relevant.

What do you mean by having my nanny running around? The nanny we had to get during lockdown so that we could continue working? How did you work manage to work during lockdown and look after a toddler without childcare, please tell me?

My husband can't afford to contribute more and noone, in particular the DCS want to move, as it would mess up their 50/50 week, getting to school etc. And where would you like me to move to where we can afford a SIX bed house plus office. And should I pay for it all?
I

@suzzze

But having the two year old in means no reading in bed, no sex life, putting your PJ's on the dark and most importantly no hour in the day when you're not in the same room as a child! Madness.

@BusyLizzie61 Boy are you on fire today.

@Springsnake

Wow How deprived was I Every weekend at my dads house ,a put me up bed in the corner of the lounge ..tiniest bit of space ever ,and the bed had to be folded up in the day ..while his new step kids had bedrooms.. But I had a bedroom at my mums house ,with all my things in I was not hard done to I just didn’t expect two bed rooms . When did things change to make children so entitled

This! I completely agree.

@anunexaminedlife

It's so depressing to see some posters yet again campaigning for DSC's every need to be everybody's absolute priority and acting as if the slightest inconvenience to them will traumatise them whilst at the same time completely discounting that the children of the OP have any needs or feelings or status at all. In their own home, paid for by their mum, whilst the dad is heavily subsidised which in turn already greatly benefits the DSC. I cannot believe that some posters have suggested that the 2 year old should have no bedroom of his own and should share indefinitely with his parents. It's really beyond the pale.

This status quo has been in place for the duration of the blending of the 2 families, up to 10 years.

That's significant.

Who exactly should the 18yo share with?

If there's sharing to be had, then it should be the younger siblings. The middle two boys would seem more appropriate imo.

A home must first and foremost suit the people who actually live in it.
That’s all there is to it really.

[quote BusyLizzie61]@MumblingMom
Yawn, where has OP said she’s ‘turfing them out?
She stated categorically that she couldn't bare her being there in the gap year. And the way she's focussing on the eldest is pretty much single minded and verging on bullying in temperament.

Those saying it's op's house, it shouldn't be. It should the family home of all. How sad that this is starting to come across as almost now verging into financial and emotional abuse if she continues in this vein and actually approaches it as she has suggested.[/quote]
It's not a family home for DSCs and was never intended to be. It's a place they stay where they will always be welcome but their main home is at their dad's. I don't want to be responsible for providing a roof over their heads and ensuring they have "appropriate" accommodation. That may be how you see it but that is not how I see it. And of course I will prioritise my own kids in the same way that their mum will prioritise her kids.

And it's BEAR not bare.

If you have them 50:50 can you actually say one house is their home and the other is one they just stay in, surely both houses have equal status. What would happen if OP said to DSD you now need to choose which house you want to live in full-time and she chose to live with her dad not mum

I don't think houses need to have equal status. Depends on the set-up really. I think this is one of the reasons a 50/50 arrangement doesn't really work.

I'm with you OP - talk to the 28 year old and explain you need her room as an office. Get a sofa bed in one of the reception rooms for her. Once your stepson reaches 18, the remaining bedroom is used on a first come, first served basis, on the assumption they won't be staying regularly at the same time. The other gets the sofa bed.

Whoops! 18 year old, not 28 year old!

Partition the bigger room to make two tiny rooms for DSD and DSS. I don't think an 18yo girl and 15yo boy can be expected to share, but neither do they need huge rooms when presumably most of their belongings are at their mum's. You do need to do it properly to provide privacy (2 separate rooms rather than just a big room with a screen in the middle) but it doesn't matter if they are teeny tiny singles. You could always put in wall beds or something to maximise the space. I agree that your DC who are younger and have more stuff (and are there 100% of the time) need the space more than DSC, especially your little one.

Your SC are not staying at dads every other weekend. At some stage their parents agreed that their kids would live with dad 50% of the time. The kids probably didn’t get a say in this. Just because one is now 18 it doesn't mean the 50% just stops. I know kids who carried on the 50% all the way through university and until they got their own place. Because they had two homes.

They have two homes so two bedrooms. This situation was created by the adults in their life. The children are NOT entitled. It was the parents who were entitled by wanting their kids to have two homes. Now unfortunately you have to live with this.

I work at home full time. I have a desk in my bedroom. Not ideal but some people have it far worse.