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Original poster

Stepkids - rooms

258 replies

winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 18:20

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

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RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 21:20

You’re MARRIED to this man, it is not about who pays what. Any man who came on here saying he pays most of the expenses and therefore gets to dictate the use of the rooms would rightly have his arse handed to him.

You say it is “simply not happening” for your two year old to share when he will be significantly less affected then one of your DSC will be by depriving them of their own space. It is not appropriate for two opposite sex teenagers to share. It’s not a case of “they have a room at their mums”, they live with you and their father 50% of the time, that is equally their home. What if their mum got a partner as unaccommodating as you, then where their bedroom be?

bicyclerace · 08/04/2021 21:21

Wow okay sorry, it was just an idea!

But I stand by the reshuffle idea. You can partition the loft and therefore have 6 bedrooms AND an office, you just need to find the best combination for using them.

I think taking away DSDs room just because she's 18 is a bit harsh. If she was no longer spending the time 50:50 then I'd get it, but if she still wants to then you're effectively saying she can't have her own space when she's at yours. What would happen if she decided she wanted to live with her dad full time, would you say no?

RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 21:23

@Pleaseaddcaffine

That's an epic suggestion!! Would that work one room and dsc come half week each but not at same time. Greta 1:1 time with dad. There could be a bed in a box or a chair sofa bed jsutin case both there together one night in. Blue moon. Really practical suggestion given ages and nearly adults
What the fuck! Maybe the children like spending time together with their dad Confused.
Magda72 · 08/04/2021 21:23

@RosieGuacamosie it's the 2 year olds ONLY home!
Ffs - what about that do people not get???

Twoforthree · 08/04/2021 21:25

magda
Were your kids there 50% of the time?

RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 21:27

@Magda72 the fact that a two year older doesn’t have a concept of having their “own” room Confused. FFS why do people shack up with partners who have 50% custody and then get disgruntled when the existing children have needs.

Hwory · 08/04/2021 21:30

I'm a little Shock at the stomping of the feet ' they have a room at their MOTHERS' when they live with you 50% of the time. I don't get why you would marry a man with two kids that's clearly involved in their lives if you didn't want to share your home.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/04/2021 21:31

the fact that a two year older doesn’t have a concept of having their “own” room
I'm quite sure DH fully understands the concept of his own bedroom though! Especially when he's feeling in the moodWink

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 08/04/2021 21:31

What if they decide at the ex's house that they should share because they've two rooms?

RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 21:35

I'm quite sure DH fully understands the concept of his own bedroom though! Especially when he's feeling in the mood

I’m quite sure “DH” is capable of putting the needs of the three children he fathered over his desire to get his leg over. Horrifying Shock

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2021 21:40

@Magda72 the fact that a two year older doesn’t have a concept of having their “own” room

SO WHAT? It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t understand at the moment. It’s his only home.

Sonofabiscuit · 08/04/2021 21:44

OP as your paying the mortgage and it's your house..sit them all down explain you need a room .
If lucky they will have a suggestion for you on how it can work ,if any get stroppy tell them to pay the mortgage.

RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 21:47

@Sonofabiscuit

OP as your paying the mortgage and it's your house..sit them all down explain you need a room . If lucky they will have a suggestion for you on how it can work ,if any get stroppy tell them to pay the mortgage.
Imagine if the man in the situation said this Confused
SpaceshiptoMars · 08/04/2021 21:48

Time to string up some hammocks in the hallways. They don't need bedrooms on ships!

aSofaNearYou · 08/04/2021 21:48

OP in the real world nobody would bat an eye at an 18 year old having to adjust their living space. Please don't be fooled by people on here into thinking you need to split up to solve this, it really isn't necessary.

Springsnake · 08/04/2021 21:50

Wow
How deprived was I
Every weekend at my dads house ,a put me up bed in the corner of the lounge ..tiniest bit of space ever ,and the bed had to be folded up in the day ..while his new step kids had bedrooms..
But
I had a bedroom at my mums house ,with all my things in
I was not hard done to
I just didn’t expect two bed rooms .
When did things change to make children so entitled

beelola · 08/04/2021 21:56

Some very strange suggestions on here! Logical solution is to partition the loft so they still have their own space and you getting a proper office. If that isn't doable, they'll have to share. They're old enough to understand privacy and space so them being a boy and girl isn't relevant.

Lollypop701 · 08/04/2021 21:56

You have a loft room that can be split in 2, so get dh to get it sorted. may not be perfect but then it’s that or a bloody mansion. your working hours , and paying the bills, means you have the greatest need. Your dh is welcome to find an alternative solution ...

Lollypop701 · 08/04/2021 21:59

@Sonofabiscuit
No because the man would never have given up his office space in the first place

Twoforthree · 08/04/2021 21:59

@Springsnake

Wow How deprived was I Every weekend at my dads house ,a put me up bed in the corner of the lounge ..tiniest bit of space ever ,and the bed had to be folded up in the day ..while his new step kids had bedrooms.. But I had a bedroom at my mums house ,with all my things in I was not hard done to I just didn’t expect two bed rooms . When did things change to make children so entitled
But these kids are there 50% of the time. That's a crucial difference.

No one is disputing that the op needs an office. Of course she does. But a solution needs to be found without the 18 year old being made to feel pushed out.

PelvicFloorTrauma · 08/04/2021 22:06

Some of the posters on here need to get a grip - I suspect NONE of those advocating ridiculous solutions have one iota of experience of how stressful wfh without a proper home office can be. Child-centred parenting does not mean that the adult who owns the house, has a demanding job and pays the mortgage should be twisting herself in knots working out how to do her job successfully from home. Christ no wonder some young people these days are so precious and so entitled. Since when were children supposed to be utterly insulated from the realities of life.

Sonofabiscuit · 08/04/2021 22:06

That is very true and there wouldn't be a thread on here about it .Hmm

Frankie4me · 08/04/2021 22:08

OP, the natural consequence of what you’re suggesting is that your DSD will stop coming to stay earlier than she otherwise would because she feels pushed out - which may also lead to DSS deciding not to come as often. This will inevitably lead to your DH relationship with his kids being less than what it could be and your responses indicate you don’t care about this. You need to think about it from all of their perspectives too.

They are there 50% of the time, and they need to feel welcome, loved and have appropriate living arrangements.

You also need appropriate working arrangements so it is a tough situation - the best option may be to have a family brainstorming session. The kids may have suggestions that you think are unworkable (eg DSS and DS sharing a modified loft) that they are happy to do. It may be that your DSD volunteers to come less often and create some sort of home office / temporary bedroom - but it needs to be her choice, not coming from you.

Twoforthree · 08/04/2021 22:13

The op just has to be careful about how she words the conversation. Some of her arguments on here, whilst understandable, haven't really come across as very empathetic and could will cause tension if she goes in all guns blazing. This is the kids joint home. They don't have a MAIN home.

One of the first posters said about presenting the problem to dh and asking him to come up with suggestions. Involving the kids to solve the problem may also work. At the end of the day, the op needs an office but she can't go in all dictatorial.

CarelessSquid07A · 08/04/2021 22:15

Why not just ask your Dsd if she'd mind if you used her room as an office during the day? Maybe she won't mind.

Then explain it would mean she wouldn't be able to access it for your working hours but nothing else would change. And as you expect she might be working or travelling (covid permitting) during her gap year maybe she won't even notice.

Although tbh it sounds like you're not willing to compromise on your own space by having it in your bedroom so not sure why she should.

No not all stepkids have their own rooms, but yours have and to simply take it back now sucks. Does someone stop being part of the family at 18?

Lots of us are facing home working with no dedicated space, my Dh gets our office space because he handles confidential calls so has to be in a separate room with doors closed etc. I use a fold up desk in the dining room and its fine, just gets packed away at the end of every day.

If I move to permanent home working I plan to get a smaller wardrobe and set it up in my bedroom. I wouldn't ever displace others from their rooms. It just sends the message that they are one that doesn't deserve a room in the family and therefore are the least valued.

It would be different if you were moving or downsizing to get an office where everyone is affected but I think you just want us to tell you its fine to not give her a room anymore.