Stepkids - rooms

[winterrabbit]

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

If the loft room is big enough to partition into two rooms for the step kids then perhaps you could have a reshuffle of rooms and give the 18yr old your room, you and dh have half the loft as bedroom and then the other half of turned in to an office space?

@Notavegan

Your house must be huge. It's not that big a problem surely. Family meeting?

This! I am totally about to lose my shit!

@Milkshake7489

Is £500 per month inclusive of bills? If not your partner is paying way over a nominal rent.

Anyway, your stepchildren live with you 50% of the time. Your home is their home and unfortunately it's not appropriate for male and female siblings to share at their ages.

Since it's their home, they need a bedroom until they choose to move out and live independently. If you're planning on putting an age limit on living with you, it should be the same age at which you plan to kick your own children out and only allow them to stay over as visitors....

That being said, you do need somewhere to work. Your oldest son and stepson could share if there's no quiet corner downstairs (they might not like it much but it's a far better option than putting your stepchildren in together). Or if it's feasible to split one of the rooms in two, I'd do that.

Paying way over? How do you work that out when the average rent for a single room in our area, let alone three rooms, is about £800 a month plus bills? What planet?

OP, do you have a cellar? Or is that already converted into kitchen/lr etc

Why should DS lose his room instead of
DSC when they have rooms at their mum's? How is that fair?

It’s not ideal but at the end of the day a 2 year old is going to care a lot less than a teenager. As I said if the 18 yo is going to uni next year, it won’t be for long, in fact I doubt a child so young will even remember further down the line!

@bicyclerace

If the loft room is big enough to partition into two rooms for the step kids then perhaps you could have a reshuffle of rooms and give the 18yr old your room, you and dh have half the loft as bedroom and then the other half of turned in to an office space?

Why should OP give up her bedroom now?

I guess if they are married its not really rent is it?

Just get everyone together and see what works best but i am sure dh wont want his children feeling like they arn’t welcome.

You don’t need to lose your shit or get a divorce. You need to have a calm conversation with your husband and say you need to agree a solution by the end of the weekend.

@19lottie82

Why should DS lose his room instead of DSC when they have rooms at their mum's? How is that fair?

It’s not ideal but at the end of the day a 2 year old is going to care a lot less than a teenager. As I said if the 18 yo is going to uni next year, it won’t be for long, in fact I doubt a child so young will even remember further down the line!

Ok, this simply isn't happening. Sorry but I don't work full time and pay a stonking great mortgage for my son not to have his own room whilst DSD has TWO rooms. It is not happening.

@Wherearemymarbles

I guess if they are married its not really rent is it?

Just get everyone together and see what works best but i am sure dh wont want his children feeling like they arn’t welcome.

Who said they aren’t welcome? Not the OP.

I just don't have enough eye rolls for some of these responses.
I'll tell you what @winterrabbit - why don't you buy a tent & set yourself & your 2 year old up in it for eating, sleeping, working & everything else. I mean how dare you suggest asking the nearly adult dsc to compromise so you can work at a job that pays for the roof over their heads half the week????
Take back your office - end of. Your salary is basically carrying everyone.
Tell your dp this has to be done & see if you can work a solution between you.
Personally I think your are tremendous having wfh with 5 'kids' under your feet. You should be given a medal, not hassle!

@bicyclerace

If the loft room is big enough to partition into two rooms for the step kids then perhaps you could have a reshuffle of rooms and give the 18yr old your room, you and dh have half the loft as bedroom and then the other half of turned in to an office space?

I am not giving DSD my/our room. It's my room. I like it and have decorated it/fitted it out over the years to suit my tastes. She is nearly 18 and has her own room at her mum's. If would be far easier if, in these situations, children/adult stepchildren accepted that, unless their parents are millionaires, they have one MAIN home where they have a room with all their stuff and another second home which won't be an equivalent but will be a place to stay. It it madness to suggest kids should have double of everything at each home. Who can afford that? Why it is necessary?

It's just a case of working out which room is the best one to get split properly and a decent workman to do it.

At 18 I can't believe your DSD still religiously follows the contact pattern! As long as the DSC each have a private and comfy room that is theirs it doesn't need to be huge.

Work out what you need for your office space- size, lighting, WiFi coverage etc.

You work out what configuration of your house works out best.

It is a fact of life that young adults, given the choice, will choose the home where they have the best facilities - be that their own bathroom, bigger bedroom, better food/slaves, ability to live at home rather than pay rent at uni etc etc.

Given that OP lives in London and the children each have a bedroom, then in all likelihood, the SK will prefer to stay with the OP and their Dad.

Whatever solution you go for, OP, bear in mind that you could be stuck with it for another 10 years. So make sure you get what YOU need NOW.

No one said they weren’t welcome.

I used the word ‘feeling’ to indicate how dsc might interpret sharing a room.

Hopefully dsd gets a job nearer her Mums for her gap year and naturally stops visiting as much!

@Magda72

I just don't have enough eye rolls for some of these responses. I'll tell you what *@winterrabbit* - why don't you buy a tent & set yourself & your 2 year old up in it for eating, sleeping, working & everything else. I mean how dare you suggest asking the nearly adult dsc to compromise so you can work at a job that pays for the roof over their heads half the week???? Take back your office - end of. Your salary is basically carrying everyone. Tell your dp this has to be done & see if you can work a solution between you. Personally I think your are tremendous having wfh with 5 'kids' under your feet. You should be given a medal, not hassle!

Thank you Magda, finally a sane voice! It is basically that. I've gone out of my way to be flexible and accommodating but am fed up trying to work in ridiculous conditions with two rooms sitting there empty half the week. Such a waste. I don't get how other blended families afford to provide all kids with a room each. How does it work?

Good posts from Magda and Random.

What is it you think your DH will say or do that means you haven’t already had this discussion? You seem very stressed and it doesn’t sound like he’s adequately concerned about your needs and wishes.

Do DSC have to come the same days if they don’t want to share a room? Could they share a room but have use of it at different times so they still get space?

I appreciate that might not work at all!

Normally I think step parents get a really bad press on here, but tbh I think the op may be teetering on the being unreasonable. Whatever way you choose to do it op, you've got to remember that this is their joint home if they've been with you 50% of the time. They don't have a MAIN home as you call it.

You do need to have a dedicated office space but you do seem a bit anti dsd now she's 18. You won't feel like that when your own child hits 18. They still seem so young then. Find a solution, but don't make her feel she's being pushed out.

That's an epic suggestion!! Would that work one room and dsc come half week each but not at same time. Greta 1:1 time with dad.
There could be a bed in a box or a chair sofa bed jsutin case both there together one night in. Blue moon.
Really practical suggestion given ages and nearly adults

Ok, this simply isn't happening. Sorry but I don't work full time and pay a stonking great mortgage for my son not to have his own room whilst DSD has TWO rooms. It is not happening.

Too bloody right! Stick to your guns op.

You're incredibly hey up over the fsct that the sc have rooms at yours and the mother's. That is irrelevant. You chose to welcome them into the home. Sadly, that means until they're ready to fly. So if the eldest decides to have the gap year and remain whilst at university or indeed post university, then that's not unreasonable and no different to what your biological children may opt to do; would you refuse this for your biological children? I doubt so when you're so obviously hey up over your children not possibly being able to compromise at all.

I struggle to believe that in your 5 bedroom house, with your nanny running after your child, that there isn't any compromise for alternative space for your office tbh. Rather it's not meeting your standards as you've decided that you're paying the mortgage that you've refused to allow your husband to supposedly contribute towards, means that you have the upper hand. That's not how marriages and families work. Unless you're opting to go for a second broken home for your children, you probably need to change your ott bolshy attitude and get some bloody empathy.
Either sit out until the eldest is off to uni. Ask for suggestions from the family. But don't prioritise your biological children.

Tbh, given that you're now wfh permanently, your narrow 5 bed terrace in London could easily be sold and a cheaper area which better meets the needs of everyone in the family could be bought....

My dc have 2 half siblings at their dads. Aged 18 my now 24 year old was given a camp bed in his dads office as his much younger half siblings needed their own room.
Did he complain? No - he got that he had a room at mine & really didn't need TWO rooms.
He's now 24 & his 19 year old brother is on the camp bed. The19 year old's room has been converted into a spare room so exh's elderly parents can stay over if needs be.
Did he complain? No - he gets that his gp's are elderly & sometimes need to stay & that he has his own room at mine & at 19 doesn't need TWO rooms!
The 24 year old uses this if he's visiting his dad. If his gp's are using it he uses a blow up in room (office) with the camp bed.
My dd (15) was moved out of her room to a smaller room so that her half siblings could share the bigger room.
Did she complain? No - because she gets the logistics of this & has her own lovely room here with me & realised she's very lucky to have TWO rooms.
Honestly the level of entitlement expected on here is UNREAL!

@BusyLizzie61 my dc feel in no way displaced at their dads because they have been brought up to not believe the are the centre of the universe & furthermore, they are very well acquainted with the concepts of comprise & sharing! - something a lot more kids & adults need to get their heads around!