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Original poster

Stepkids - rooms

258 replies

winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 18:20

Pretty sure I am going to get shot for this but here goes.

DH and I have been together for 10 years. He has 2 kids, nearly 18 and 15. I have 2 kids, 11 and 13 and we have DS, 2 years, together. My kids are here 100% and his kids 50% of the time. They all moved in with me about 5 years ago and luckily we have enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom. I gave up my home office to allow his DD, 18, to her have own room. For reasons I won't go into but stem from me having had a very difficult divorce from my ex, DH and I don't share finances. The house was mine and stayed in my name and he pays a very low amount/nominal £500per month in "rent", the idea being that he should have surplus income to invest elsewhere, get a buy to let etc.

Anyhow, my work have just announced that we will not be returning to the office and will work from home permanently from now on. I have a demanding job with lots of calls/papers etc and have so far worked from our bedroom but now that I am permanently losing my real office (at work) I really want to have one at home. DSCs are only here 50% of the time and each have a room each at their mum;s house so I am wondering if I can reclaim one or both rooms as my office, especially given that DSD is nearly 18. She would always be welcome to stay but how long are we expected to hold a dedicated room for her, especially when she also has a room at her mum's house? Seems a bit OTT especially in London when rent/mortgages are so expensive. I am pretty sure that DH will not hear of this but it really adds to my stress levels not having a dedicated space.

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aSofaNearYou · 08/04/2021 19:46

@Notaroadrunner

I think if this is brought up with DSD, it might just bring the coming and going from mum to dad to a natural end. Surely adult children get to a stage where they choose to remain in one house fulltime, while still being able to visit the other parent when they wish. However, if she still wants to stay at yours half the week then splitting the loft between her and her brother is probably the best option.
I think this is very sensible.
GoWalkabout · 08/04/2021 19:47

I think you and dh moving into the loft and partitioning a bedroom sounds good.

Original poster
winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 19:50

@GoWalkabout

I think you and dh moving into the loft and partitioning a bedroom sounds good.
It really isn't big enough for that plus I already have my "office" set up in my bedroom which doesn't work very well. Whole point is to have a separate office.
OP posts:
Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/04/2021 19:52

Loft room sounds a great idea.
Not sure of house layout but could another area be partitioned off?
I am in a similar boat and split the side passage in half, half is now a dedicated office. It's small but works.
Do u have a garage? A conversion is less costly than an oubuildibg.

Original poster
winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 19:53

@Thisgirlcando

Are your 11 and 13 year old girls or boys? Say the 13 year old is a son could your 15 year old step son share with him half the week, they would be more likely to have things in common
I doubt DSS would want to share with DS. They are completely different characters, DSD goes to bed really early, DS is really loud etc. Plus, I really think DS should have his own room in at least one house, don't you? He and his brother share a room at his dad's house when they visit for the odd night. DSS has his own room at his mum's house.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 08/04/2021 19:53

@GoWalkabout

I think you and dh moving into the loft and partitioning a bedroom sounds good.
Tbh I think it's more important OP doesn't have to spend her entire life in one room than that none of the kids have to compromise.
Original poster
winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 19:54

@Pleaseaddcaffine

Loft room sounds a great idea. Not sure of house layout but could another area be partitioned off? I am in a similar boat and split the side passage in half, half is now a dedicated office. It's small but works. Do u have a garage? A conversion is less costly than an oubuildibg.
No garage. Imagine tall, narrow, terraced house in London.
OP posts:
Pleaseaddcaffine · 08/04/2021 19:57

Ahhh sod, mines a three bed s3mi and the lean to run from. Front to back was split.
Is one of the rooms big enough to partition? That way mainians privacy and dsc share.
It's not ideal but you need to work to pay the bills, so somtiems it's just the way it has to be!
Come up with 3 options and put them to your dp as options and he picks, that way your not the bad guy!

Original poster
winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 19:58

Not putting a shed in the garden. It's tiny but we absolutely need all the outside space we can get. Not sure we would even be allowed. Also, who want to sit in a tiny cramped garden shed all day? I would honestly rather resign. I cannot work in a garden shed. What about wifi, electricity etc??

OP posts:
Original poster
winterrabbit · 08/04/2021 20:00

Christ, at this rate I honestly think it's best we separate. I need space and a proper working environment otherwise it just isn't going to happen. Unless I work we don't live in this house.

OP posts:
sassbott · 08/04/2021 20:01

Christ alive, some of these responses.

It’s your home that you pay for. Take a room and make it your office. Zero compromise on that.
Tell your Oh to figure out what the compromise here looks like.

I’d lose my shit if I couldn’t have a home office in the home I pay for.

Notavegan · 08/04/2021 20:02

Your house must be huge. It's not that big a problem surely. Family meeting?

NeedsImprovement01 · 08/04/2021 20:06

You can't expect the DSC to share at their ages, so you are effectively planning to kick one out at 18. Presumably a similar timing to when the need to pay maintenance stops. Is your DH planning to continue to support his DC past 18? I understand that your motivations may not be so harsh, but your DH needs to consider the optics and how his DC will view the change and whether it will damage his future relationship with them.

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2021 20:10

Does your 2 year old use his bedroom much in the day? Could you convert that into a home office if he isn’t in it most of the time?

I don’t think it’s fair to use his room if he lives there full time. He won’t be 2 forever. It makes no sense to to use his room while 2 other rooms are left empty 50% of the time.

ElderMillennial · 08/04/2021 20:13

It is also probably more hassle for OP to have to convert the room from toddler room to office and back again each day

Lawton · 08/04/2021 20:17

@winterrabbit

Christ, at this rate I honestly think it's best we separate. I need space and a proper working environment otherwise it just isn't going to happen. Unless I work we don't live in this house.
Unless this is what you really want to do, there are options before this. Aside from two year old all children are old enough to help come up with solutions.
BaseDrops · 08/04/2021 20:18

Split the attic. You need a dedicated room that isn’t your bedroom. Presuming you want to be on same floor as the two year old? If so either attic room split for SC or for you and the 2 year old. If not I’d split the attic into bedroom and office for you.

You shouldn’t work full time in your bedroom if you have a better alternative. And you do.

TuvoknotSpock · 08/04/2021 20:19

Your attic room must be a decent size with 5 rooms below it, sounds like a stud wall would be simple to slot in. Is there a bathroom in the attic that might take up space?

RosieGuacamosie · 08/04/2021 20:25

He and his brother share a room at his dad's house when they visit for the odd night. DSS has his own room at his mum's house.

I think the key here is that your sons go to their dads for the odd night, whereas this is your DSC’s home 50% of the time. I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to turf out the 18 year old or make opposite sex older siblings share. Unfortunately you’ll have to come up with another solution and moving into the loft room and creating an office space there sounds the best way if you don’t want a two year old in with you.

Milkshake7489 · 08/04/2021 20:26

Is £500 per month inclusive of bills? If not your partner is paying way over a nominal rent.

Anyway, your stepchildren live with you 50% of the time. Your home is their home and unfortunately it's not appropriate for male and female siblings to share at their ages.

Since it's their home, they need a bedroom until they choose to move out and live independently. If you're planning on putting an age limit on living with you, it should be the same age at which you plan to kick your own children out and only allow them to stay over as visitors....

That being said, you do need somewhere to work. Your oldest son and stepson could share if there's no quiet corner downstairs (they might not like it much but it's a far better option than putting your stepchildren in together). Or if it's feasible to split one of the rooms in two, I'd do that.

weewitch · 08/04/2021 20:35

Agree with the others regarding presenting your DH with the problem and seeing what his suggested solutions are.

FWIW, I'd split the large loft room into 2 for the DSCs so that they're not visibly sharing a room and you take the smaller room as your office. Seems fair and means you have the space you need.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/04/2021 20:38

Is £500 per month inclusive of bills? If not your partner is paying way over a nominal rent.
For London? For 2 bedrooms for the exclusive use of DP's children plus DP's own use of space? Get real!

Trixie78 · 08/04/2021 20:42

Perfectly reasonable, she's pretty much an adult and you need an office. DH will get over it.

Sugarcube84 · 08/04/2021 20:46

I totally sympathise with this I have a similar scenario but it eased my the fact that my dsd only comes once in a blue moon. Our solution was our shared ds (1) has the box room, our boys ds 11 and dss 10 share. Dsd has the second lounge downstairs but I have a corner set up as an office she only stays in a weekend so I pretty much have it to myself.

My ds doesn’t have his own room in either house but the way I see it he only shares 2 nights out of 14. Your situation seems a bit more complicated by the 50/50 I’d explore the option of splitting the loft as that to me seems the most workable solution, I certainly wouldn’t be moving a 2 year old back in with me, so unless you have a separate dining room etc that could be converted into a bedroom then the 2 options I see are split the loft or give the biggest room to 2 kids to share and give them a bit of money to decorate to make it more palatable.

itsgettingwierd · 08/04/2021 20:48

@Milkshake7489

Is £500 per month inclusive of bills? If not your partner is paying way over a nominal rent.

Anyway, your stepchildren live with you 50% of the time. Your home is their home and unfortunately it's not appropriate for male and female siblings to share at their ages.

Since it's their home, they need a bedroom until they choose to move out and live independently. If you're planning on putting an age limit on living with you, it should be the same age at which you plan to kick your own children out and only allow them to stay over as visitors....

That being said, you do need somewhere to work. Your oldest son and stepson could share if there's no quiet corner downstairs (they might not like it much but it's a far better option than putting your stepchildren in together). Or if it's feasible to split one of the rooms in two, I'd do that.

£500 rent for 50% of a 6 bed in London is no way over the market rate.

I pay that for a 2 bed HA flat down south!