Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

I used the phrase 'tough justice' referring to the dh. I don't think it's OTT at all.

It's far too easy imo for men to storm off from their partners and abandon their children in the process. How many men blame their ex for lack of contact...

I'm assuming he has form for this as he's divorced already. I'm assuming he was shocked OP didn't play the emotional doormat role and look after their/his son without question while he goes off and have his tantrum. If my assumptions are true then that's justice in my eyes. He's in the position that most women are in. He doesn't get to switch off being a parent while he fights his partner.

And it's tough justice because of the collateral. Because it's the child who actually suffers the most.

And while I'm in the mood for OTT or wild assumptions.

I actually think OP got 'lovebombed'.

Personally I think you were being a bit harsh. You are a family now how uncomfortable must your SS feel if he has to hear things like that. He might not act like he gives a crap but this kind of thing can really damage your relationship. He isn't your birth son so you will not be able to feel the same way especially as you have entered his life quite late but whilst he is there you are both caring for him. I would understand if he was staying but your DP went away for the night but to take a breather isn't unreasonable.

Your Dh is out of order, fight or not, he can’t just disappear in a strop and leave you to it (whilst supervising his DS). Even if DSS is old enough to Manage himself, you’re still the responsible adult in the house. Your DH needs to grow up, a couple of hours out - cool. A whole day - not cool. And frankly, if I hade my DSC here visiting (which is what they do beacause tjey don’t live here full time) I’d expect my DH to be here spending time with them. Isn’t that the point....

Yes @Pomp - that's exactly my point. Thank you. But it appears it's not acceptable to some for me to say they are visiting.

Sad to see so many SPs think their SDCS visit and are not part of the family. Explains why so many people have a problem with blending.
Eldest SC - whatever they want- still have room and own space
Middle SDC - sort of does set contact days but doesn't but is a bit randon - still has room and own space
Youngest - still does set times EOW and random stuff - own space.

They all live with us regardless of days and none of them visit.

If someone isn’t a full time resident, then they are a visitor. It’s acceptable to say this about anyone (friend, relative, colleague) except a step child. Even if a step child only sets foot on the premises for 10 mins per year, we have to pretend it’s their home. YAWN.

Even if a step child only sets foot on the premises for 10 mins per year, we have to pretend it’s their home. YAWN.

And the primary relationship is with their parent, not the step parent. The point of the visit is to spend time with his dad, not hang out in the house with his step mum while his dad has a protracted strop. The OP’s DH sounds rude and immature. His son has not come over to be with his step mother.

There’s no real comparison to be made with the OP’s daughter - the OP’s house is her house because she has no other. She doesn’t have access with her own father.

I think @Coffeepot72 was being ironic. I agree

I agree re the irony! May not have come across clearly in my post.

The problem with step mothers in particular is that SC highlight different agendas. For the step mothers, if the DH is the NRP DH’s children visit and the step mother, all going well, welcomes and facilitates that.

The fathers, however, are always so so keen to set up another “home base” in their house which in theory sounds perfect but in reality it also requires the step mum to whole-heartedly take on the role of female nurturer. If this is rejected they are berated.

Look at the thread about whether women would see their SC again if they split from their SC’s father - it’s a real eye-opener. Most wouldn’t.

I think this comes down to establishing roles and boundaries within a blended family. The OP does not love the SC as her own son and he has a mother who does. She can be warm and welcoming and caring but she can’t recreate the home environment the SC would get from having his parents together, because she’s not his mother.

The OP’s DH needs to appreciate this and not bugger off in a stop because his family dream-life isn’t happening. He needs to work out how HE, not the OP, can best meet his son’s needs within his current living environment.

I think your partner is right and you are wrong. I would say this house is a home for his kid as much as you kid. The arrangement for him is to spend 3 nights there. If you are in relationship where your partner only a guest in your house well then you are not partners but he is your visiting boyfriend whom you allow to stay overnight and have his toothbrush at your sink.

We are on the same page @nolongersurprised

@bogoffmda

Sad to see so many SPs think their SDCS visit and are not part of the family. Explains why so many people have a problem with blending. Eldest SC - whatever they want- still have room and own space Middle SDC - sort of does set contact days but doesn't but is a bit randon - still has room and own space Youngest - still does set times EOW and random stuff - own space.

They all live with us regardless of days and none of them visit.

Well good for you, here’s a pat on the back for you as a SM role model! It’s sad that so many people have completely unrealistic expectations of ‘blended families’. I’m so bored of reading this sanctimonious drivel from some posters on here. No wonder so many women feel like complete failures when it comes to trying to make a ‘blended family’ work. One size does not fit all and you cannot say what works for you will work for anyone else. I say that my SC ‘visit’ because they are only here EOWE. To me, they are visitors. They do not live here. They visit 2 days out of 14 and half of holidays. If my OH isn’t here, neither are they. You can bleat on as much as you like about ‘it’s their fathers home therefore it’s their home and they should be able to come and go as they please’ but in real life that’s not how it works for many many SP (for a variety of different reasons age/distance etc.). If SC want to visit here, we will know about it ahead of time and agree to it. If my OH decides to F off out then he better well check with me first if it’s ok for me to watch SC whilst he’s gone. I am not a babysitter on demand just because I decided to marry someone with a child.

It is unfortunate that those parents ( and their partners ) who are petitioning the Courts for some form of custody do not inform the Court of their intention to view the children as guests and visitors in the home as opposed to fully vested members of the household.

If those types of opinions and practices were presented to the Court it is quite possible that Court Orders would be modified in the best interest of the children.

I doubt that many Courts intend for children to be viewed as guests in the homes of their parents. I suspect that many men and women would put the skids on many relationships if the partners were to state up front that "your minor children will be viewed as visitors as opposed to members of our household and our house is never to be represented or viewed as their home. Additionally, I would prefer that they are never present in the house if you are not there. "

Such honesty and disclosure upfront would prevent so much pain and heartache on the back end.

Why is it just your house if you have been married for three years?

You’ve both entered into a new marriage with children and they should feel equally secure in the home you’ve created together. Who owns the house is immaterial when creating a home together.

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Your dc is an adult and doesn't need a parent around.. His dc is a minor. Nowt to do with living arrangements. .

That's right, your daughter is 18, your husband doesn't have to look after her if you go out, and she is free to go out if she wants.

Having said that, a 14 year old doesn't need looking after like a small child; the point is he probably wants time with his dad.

Dad sounds quite immature, frankly.

Having said that, a 14 year old doesn't need looking after like a small child; the point is he probably wants time with his dad.

I agree, and I think the OP’s DH is being massively unrealistic about how blended families and step-parents work. It’s as though he’s bought into the Hollywood ideal that, after marriage and a brief rocky period, everyone loves each other unreservedly and step-mothers in particular love their children like their own. He may have expected this when he proposed and he moved in with the OP.

If you go back to the OP’s first post, he expects her to love his children like she was their own mother.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does.

Similarly, though, he also seems to be projecting the same unrealistic expectations on his son. His son is very unlikely to love the OP like his own mother, he wouldn’t be spending time with her if his dad was away for a month, he’s highly unlikely to hang out with the OP if she and her DH split. Yet the SC is expected to accept that his dad leaves for the whole day when he’s there.

The OP could be warm, homely, welcome and accommodating to her SC but it will never be enough for this man who - for some reason - NEEDS her to love his DC like she loves her daughter and gets angry when she doesn’t.

A frank discussion is needed and not one where he strops off for the day in a tanty.

We are on the same page
Sadly not the same page than your OH.

Your DD might be 18, but I doubt you never once left for hours living her at home with your OH. Surely the same applies in terms of his responsibity as a step-parent.

The fact that she is there 4 days more than her DS doesn't mean that he had more of her responsibility towards her than you towards her son.

You don't come across as willing to even consider his point of view at all, only to justify yours. This is quite controlling behaviour.

If my OH insisted that I take my DS with me if I went out for a day after years of marriage, I would seriously doubt our future together.

If my OH insisted that I take my DS with me if I went out for a day after years of marriage, I would seriously doubt our future together.

If my OH stormed off after arguments for full days leaving me in charge of his kid, or indeed with any kids in the house, I would seriously doubt our future together. Have YOU considered it from any other POV?

If you're married the house is half his anyway. It's not 'your' house. A 14 year old boy is unlikely to need much during the day. It seems like a huge power play on the OP's part to insist he take his son. She's made the point loud and clear that they aren't a family and in fact the boy is a guest and nothing more.

Have YOU considered it from any other POV?
I have and if the child was under 10, I would agree with OP, but at 14, there is no need to be looked after for hours. A 14yo can fixed some lunch and even be left home alone for hours. There was no reason for it to affect OP plans.

*It is unfortunate that those parents ( and their partners ) who are petitioning the Courts for some form of custody do not inform the Court of their intention to view the children as guests and visitors in the home as opposed to fully vested members of the household.

If those types of opinions and practices were presented to the Court it is quite possible that Court Orders would be modified in the best interest of the children.*

It's sad to see what is blatantly a case of actual terrible and damaging parenting being sidelined to focus on something that is, essentially, semantics.

I don't think people that have no experience of being or being in a relationship with a NRP can really appreciate how hard it is to not view someone that is there less than half the time as "visiting". Certainly when they come EOW. My step son calls our house home, although it quite naturally isn't quite the same as if he only had one home and I have no doubt he views his mum's house as more his main house, as he's there much more. I have no issue with him viewing our house as one of his homes or describing it that way, and he is not treated like a guest, but at the same time it is just natural to view someone that only comes to your house EOW as visiting, even my partner does it. There is no negative connotation behind the word "visiting", it isn't meant to be offensive in any way, it's just a word commonly used to describe someone that isn't normally there but comes sometimes.

If people, OPs husband and posters on here included, would stop being so unnecessarily defensive about the semantics of the word "visiting", they might be able to see that it's not an insult and it isn't the point. The point is that he should not be storming off for the day and leaving his son in the care of OP, or indeed in any scenario, whether OP was there or not. That behaviour is far more of an issue than whether step mum's occasionally use the word "visiting".

@dontdisturbmenow

Have YOU considered it from any other POV? I have and if the child was under 10, I would agree with OP, but at 14, there is no need to be looked after for hours. A 14yo can fixed some lunch and even be left home alone for hours. There was no reason for it to affect OP plans.

I didn't say anything about whether he needed looking after or OP had to do anything. That's not the point. My comment was about it not being acceptable for him to storm out for the day leaving his son behind, for emotional reasons. Absolutely nothing to do with whether he needs caring for or not.

Nothing to stop you going out for the day also and getting back after your husband.