AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

I don't think we give children credit enough for what they can understand.

Saying your step mother has taken their DC on holiday with their grandparents shouldn't really be a big deal in a lot of family circumstances. In mine for example, the DSC don't see me as a mother and they aren't close to my family, very rarely see them whereas my DC do. So I don't believe it would be some huge rejection for DH to explain to them that I'd taken DC away with their grandparents. So long as he wasn't with me.

What isn't it ok is when you make the main hissy of the year, somewhere fun and exotic without them for 2 weeks, and then just take the SCs on a caravan park locally for 4 days aimed at youngest and tell the SCs they are ungrateful when they say they are bored.
See I vehemently disagree with this. This sort of statement implies that a stay at home caravan holiday is somehow less than something fun & exotic & that's pure adult projection being placed on children. Some kids/teens will be bored no matter where they are & imho kids need to learn how to cope with boredom - that's where they find their imaginations. Low key holidays are often much more enjoyable and less stressful for all involved & many kids actually prefer them. A child/teen who hates the heat is often miserable on an exotic/foreign holiday & the adults are often totally stressed & uptight due to airports etc.
A family holiday is about spending time together out of the normal routine, not about where you go.
There seems to be a massive focus on the Disneyland experience here on MN & it sometimes seems that a trip to Disneyland is a measure of how much you like your sdc - if they are not with you you hate them but if they are with you then you're a caring sm!
Exh & I took our dc to Disneyland Paris once & they all hated it; the crowds, the queues etc. & our eldest really disliked the rides. We've never gone back & though we've been to Florida we avoided all the theme parks. All mine say some of our best holidays have been on the west cost of Ireland - a four our drive from home.
I said upthread that communication with dc/sdc is possible & important & imo this is another eg of a communication fail.
WE adults project what we consider a 'good' holiday into kids & no more than games consoles etc. WE measure holidays & gifts in terms of what gets spent. Exotic holidays & expensive gifts = levels of love & care. This is an adult construct that we place on kids who then internalise monetary value as equating to love.
No wonder so many kids and teens are so entitled.
Fwiw I do think that RDC often get a raw deal, but I also think many NRDC don't stand a chance when it comes to learning Values as many parents seem to think that making sure NRDC have every thing they ever ask for is far more important than sitting them down and explaining how being a part of two families operates. Being a part of two households is hard for kids to navigate & they need to be taught skills to help them through this & no amount of exotic holidays or games consoles will do that for them.

OP all the kids will see is that their dad, who gets to live with their half sibling full time, as also got that sibling more for Christmas than they got them. They won't be thinking about the fact that their other parent got them Christmas gifts.

@BilboBercow

OP all the kids will see is that their dad, who gets to live with their half sibling full time, as also got that sibling more for Christmas than they got them. They won't be thinking about the fact that their other parent got them Christmas gifts.

Why is it totally impossible to say 'and this gift is for half sibling from their Mummy'? then maybe ask DSC what they got from their Mummy or something? Just explain it! Kids aren't daft. There are child appropriate ways to explain these things. I mean providing they aren't tiny children in which case I doubt they'd even notice much.

Just seems like there is so much tip toeing around like it's the worst thing in the world to just have a conversation about this with them.

If you make it clear that the half siblings extra in the gift example is from their Mummy, why can't that be explained and understood? I actually think a lot of children, obviously not talking tiny toddlers, would understand that, people just don't give them opportunity to by talking to them.

@dontdisturbmenow

Situations should never be black or white.

Of course it's absolutely fine to go on breaks and even holidays without the SCs. What isn't it ok is when you make the main hissy of the year, somewhere fun and exotic without them for 2 weeks, and then just take the SCs on a caravan park locally for 4 days aimed at youngest and tell the SCs they are ungrateful when they say they are bored.

It's all about the right balance.

What if the scs are on their own fun exotic holiday with mum at the same time? Or they do Disneyland every year but the only way the resident DC get to go away is in term time for instance because that's all they can afford?

I don't think there is one right answer.

@Poodly I couldn't agree with you more!
Honestly why some parents cannot just sit their children down & explain things to them in an appropriate manner is beyond me.

@BilboBercow

OP all the kids will see is that their dad, who gets to live with their half sibling full time, as also got that sibling more for Christmas than they got them. They won't be thinking about the fact that their other parent got them Christmas gifts.

Exactly. They will just think they get less time and less money spent on them. Likely less days out with dad and maybe holidays too.

As for saying gifts are from just mum, that only works if separate finances otherwise no they aren’t.

So op is right then isn't she? All's fair as long as it's the resident child missing out and not the step child.

I’d just like to say for the record that my DSD aged 9 is positively hyperactive at the prospect of our 4 day caravan holiday

On the other hand we took teenage dss for his first holiday abroad since being a toddler and he was bored shitless by day three. It was a hol aimed at everyone, definitely not specifically the two year old. But that's teenagers for you! We tried

As for saying gifts are from just mum, that only works if separate finances otherwise no they aren’t

So children know about family finances but can't be expected to understand something as simple as 'this present is from X's Mummy'... Okay.

@Oswin

*My parents each had two children when they met. They then had me.
Our parents took the view that it didn't matter what happened outside our family, within it we were treated equally.
So holidays would have all of us. My siblings on one side would occasionally go away with there other parent but that wasnt used as a way to exclude them.

We were treated equally with present. That doesnt mean the same cost. Just that we would all have one big present then some smaller. So as I was the youngest my big present was a furby. My brothers had playstation. Sometimes one kid would need more than the others.

This attitude that my parents had really helped us feel like a family. None of us were more important than others. Days out and cinema visits were a bit different. Because of the age difference and being at the other parents sometimes then it would occasionally be just me taken out.*

I couldn’t agree more. Growing up in a blended family it’s utterly irrelevant what goes on in the other family. Within that family it has to be equal. Not days out, no, that’s different and different ages are different needs but financially / gifts / wills etc it has to be the same

wills etc

So do you believe the step parent should give equally in their will? Because I think this is more about the step parent than the bio parent.

I believe bio parent needs to treat all of their children equally but I don't agree re step parents.

I think a child who receives less from their dad than their other siblings would feel sad, left out and less loved.

A child whose unhappy because their Step Siblings received presents from their step mum is jealous. They arent feeling less loved by their dads ex.

The Step DC only get to play with their console half the week presumably, and their tablet the other half.

The resident DC get to spend every day with both their parents. The step DC will always be missing one parent. They only get to spend every other Christmas with their mum/dad. I think having a stable home with 2 loving parents trumps some extra Christmas presents tbh.

Within that family it has to be equal. Not days out, no, that’s different and different ages are different needs but financially / gifts / wills etc it has to be the same
It doesn’t “have to be” anything, especially not financially and wills etc as that is most definitely a parental responsibility and nobody else is obliged to get involved.

@Poodly

Just seems like there is so much tip toeing around like it's the worst thing in the world to just have a conversation about this with them.

If you make it clear that the half siblings extra in the gift example is from their Mummy, why can't that be explained and understood? I actually think a lot of children, obviously not talking tiny toddlers, would understand that, people just don't give them opportunity to by talking to them.

I can absolutely verify this to be the case, from my experience! My DSS, who is nearly 8 so hardly mature, has no trouble understanding these things. I don't feel we put a huge amount of effort into explaining it to him, either, he was simply never bothered by these things like people on MN claim all children surely will be.

There is a lot of hysteria and projection going on about this.

My son gets less now there’s 2 step kids and I feel resentful. I used to have more to spend on him but now I don’t. There was a bit of a sticking point over wills but I stuck firm when I said that my 50% was all going to DS and DH could do what he liked with his. This means that his two will only get 25% each of our estate. My thinking is that it’s not my son’s fault that there’s 2 of them so why should he give up 17% of his inheritance by splitting it 3 ways?

@DIshedUp

I think a child who receives less from their dad than their other siblings would feel sad, left out and less loved.

A child whose unhappy because their Step Siblings received presents from their step mum is jealous. They arent feeling less loved by their dads ex.

The Step DC only get to play with their console half the week presumably, and their tablet the other half.

The resident DC get to spend every day with both their parents. The step DC will always be missing one parent. They only get to spend every other Christmas with their mum/dad. I think having a stable home with 2 loving parents trumps some extra Christmas presents tbh.

From my pov as a child from "a broken home" this is dramatic.

It honestly never bothered me at all. Like it really didn't. My (much) younger brother has my mum and step dad together and yes he has a much better childhood than I did but shit happens. I'm not jealous, I don't resent him for it. I'm happy I have a very caring step dad who I genuinely enjoy being in the company of.

It didn't bother me that I didn't see my dad every day and this was before facetime and the like.

It didn't even bother me when he moved in with his gf and her daughter. Yes, she got all week with my dad, but my life was nice so why would it bother me?

I think my attitude has a lot to do with my mum who was open and honest and didn't continuously tell me how shit my dad was, or how I should be sad he had another child living with him. This is something some rps do, sometimes without realising.

It’s difficult when there’s a large disparity in income too. DP and I have a shared household bank account which we pay all our bills from, and our own separate bank accounts for which all our extra expenditure for our children come from.

I have 2 DCs, he has 2 DCs but no joint children.

I am a high earner, my DP’s ex chooses not to work.

My DD and youngest DSD are only a year apart in age and DSD will often become jealous of things I do or buy for my daughter. I have witnessed crying, upset and shouts of “Why did she get taken on a shopping trip and got all new clothes?!” after my DD had had a growth spurt and I took her to buy new clothes.

I will sometimes treat my kids to high end clothing, my DD is particularly obsessed with Dr.Martens and has a few pairs for example, DSD mostly wears clothes from primark and new look... absolutely fine, my DD shops in these places too. But the expectation from my SDs and their mum is that I should also be buying expensive gifts for my SDs and I’m somehow wrong to buy items for my DD.

In January there was a huge row between DP’s ex and us because “we” refused to purchase a pair of £600 balenciaga trainers for eldest SD’s 16th birthday. I was called selfish, a bitch, a cunt by Ex amongst other things because I refused to split the present 3 ways.

We have a household limit of around £200 for birthday presents for all the kids, not rigidly but that’s the rough budget we tell the kids when they start thinking of presents they might like and the purchase comes out of the household expenses pot.

Ex and eldest SD genuinely believe I should have contributed £200 of my own cash. So £200 from our household money as DP’s contribution, Ex £200, and then me add a further £200. When I said no because that’s not fair and I’m not willing to spend £400 from our household on a pair of trainers then I was made out to be Satan.

I even said well we’ll give £300 as a one off because it’s a big birthday and his ex can pay the other half. No. “I don’t work! How could I afford £300? You have 2 wages!” was screamed at us down the phone.

Well I’m sorry, I work to give my children and I the best possible life I can and we reap the benefits of that financially. It is not my place to make up for their mother’s choices or shortfall in household income. To do so would be taking away from my own children.

In my experience, being a SM you are expected to treat all the kids equally UNLESS it benefits your SCs in which case they should be treated more favourably than your own children. Your personal money should be used make up the shortfall and your own children shouldn’t benefit from your money.

If you refuse or question this then you are a horrible SM.

As for saying gifts are only from mum, that only works if separate finances otherwise no they aren't

So many times I have seen it said on MN that children cannot understand the practicalities behind monetary matters, only the sentiment 🤦‍♀️ If a child can understand what separate finances means, they can understand the rest of it. Otherwise "this is from half sibling's mum" should be plenty enough of an explanation.

Even if finances are joint, if a step mother is adding income into the family finances she should be allowed to use some of that to buy her own children things for goodness sake.

@aSofaNearYou & @TrustTheGeneGenie you both make a very good point.
I firmly believe children end up resentful of step & half siblings when they are told they should feel resentful.
I really saw this with my exdp's dc who were totally fired up by their dm to believe their lot in life was being diminished by me & my dc.
In contrast my dc have a great relationship with their sm & half siblings. They have not always been included in everything in their dad's house & that's fine - they get it. They understand that my circumstances dictate the way things are done in my home & that their dad has an entirely different set of circumstances which dictate what goes on in his house.
Honestly there's so much unnecessary drama around this stuff that is nearly all brought on by the adults.

Magda - fundamentally disagree re holidays.
Kids do recognise disparity without anyone saying anything - they are not stupid.
EX and SM told my 2 they could not afford to take her DCS x2, their jointDC x1 and EX Dcx2 on holiday together - it was too expensive.

Circa 2 weeks later - they all flew off business class to Barbados and my 2 were left behind. Ex proceeded to call them every night - first 2 nights denial - then her DCS wanted to speak to them and regaled my 2 with tales of swimming, sun, turtles etc.

I am unable to articulate the hurt that caused and was repeated over the 2 years they were together. My 9 yr old articulated it - Mum we could have all gone to Spain for a week for less than that cost - so the lack of money was a lie.

Like I said parity in your house for all the children when both parents are invovled. One taking their own away to see family, have a holiday etc not an issues. Luxury holidays where SDCs are excluded on the basis of cost - are going to cause trouble, kids are not stupid.

Mine just wanted time with their Dad - location was irrelevant but he had used his holiday - so not ime for them. It sets a very poor example to all the children,

I disagree resentment only occurs if they are told to be resentful.

Children are very astute and can quite clearly see for themselves when there is a difference in treatment without it being pointed out. When they get to adulthood and understand their parent/s could have done things very differently but didn’t it can bring a new set of issues to deal with.