AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

My ex’s family heavily favoured dsc and took them to many nice places and holidays
Out of interest, has that changed now you’ve split with there dad and your kids also now need it making up to them that their parents aren’t together?

You’d think so, seeing as dsc got so much special treatment for being the child with separated parents for so long. I mean, they’re all equally “hard done by” now aren’t they? But no, still the same as always. Luckily I can just leave them all to it now.

That’s interesting. I’ve got a similar issue with my MIL. Never has time to see DS, jumps on demand to see DSD. When I asked her about it she said “I need to make the most of any chance I get to see DSD because I don’t know when I’ll be dropped again (by DSDs mum)”. So she just never sees DS, the child she’s got an open invitation to see as he actually lives with her son.
Upshot is she decided that I was telling her not to see DSD (I was questioning why she never had time to see one grandchild if she had time to see the other - never mind that she could actually see both at the same time as over 50% of non school days DSD is with us) so she lied to ex about working and not being able to spend Xmas with them then spent all of Boxing Day giving DH abuse because we had his dad and step MIL over. She was over two days before but apparently it was unfair that FIL got to see kids on Boxing Day.
DH hasn’t spoken to her since. And ex isn’t talking to her either because DSD was upset her Gran had lied about Christmas (overheard her taking to BIL). So at least the grandkids are equal now as she doesn’t see either of them.
I still don’t get it.

I never understand why in laws overcompensate towards the first children because they’re scared of not seeing them, and then pretty much alienate and ruin their relationship with the second children in the process. It makes no sense to me at all because it all seems very counter productive and creates a massive divide in the family.

My ex MIL was shocked that my parents didn’t take dsc on a little holiday with them to a caravan, when dsc had already been on a long haul holiday with her a few months before on top of everything else. My ex BIL had to spell her ridiculousness out to her and why dsc wasn’t owed the caravan trip. It would have sent out all of the wrong messages if dsc was included in everything with my family, when my ex’s parents couldn’t even be bothered inviting their actual grandchildren round for so much as a play for the afternoon. Some people are completely deluded.

My PIL are the same. They barely have a relationship with my child, but have totally over compensated with dss. They are pally with his ex (fine, but yes I judge them for it because her behaviour has been nothing short of disgusting) so I don't really bother with them.

God these ILs stories are awful!

I'm lucky I don't have the problem of only doing nice things with all children involved. I'll be booking a holiday next year for just my child and husband. SC gets to go in holiday, why shouldn't we. Everyone is happy.
I won't compensate for husbands divorce. My child comes first.

My DP wouldn't let me buy tickets just for him, me and DD..... to a party for toddlers.

He made me buy tickets for his older DC as it would be 'nice to take them'. The eldest is currently choosing his GCSE optionsand obviously was NOT impressed and did not go...

He obviously has no idea that a teenager would have bo interest.

@funinthesun19

My ex’s ex wife 🙄 It’s not as if her child never got to go anywhere with anybody

That's just madness. I can see why you got out of the craziness.

It’s a really crappy situation for everyone involved.

Luckily in our situation we have one child each, both with split parents. I think in a situation where you have a child together and one has a child from a different parent that’s where it gets unfair on the resident child if you start treating them equally.

My DC lives with me more, his DC lives with the other parent more. So my DC is more present in our family home than SC is.

The way I see it is that I am financially responsible for my child, and he is for his child. So if I have a day off work per say I will see no issue in taking my child shopping or on a day trip or treating them without feeling guilty. My SC gets treated similar by their mother when they are not here so I don’t see why I should limit my child when DC isn’t present. When they are together and for the major things like Christmas and holidays etc then we tend to plan around them both - they get equal toys and clothes etc same amount of money spent on them (which in a way we are very lucky they both have other homes to get another Christmas in, rather then one having two Christmas in two homes and the other just having one).

When they are together under this roof, the dynamics change and we are financially responsible for the pair of them, not just our own. So if I go out shopping with the two children, I will buy for them both, equally.

We have savings account for both of them, and we put in the same amount a month (me paying for mine, him paying for his). My DC recently got some inheritance which went straight in their account, so has a higher amount at the moment. My partner suggested he will match the amount which is fair enough, but it will come out of his pocket and not expected to come out of family finances as it’s his choice to do that.

We are moving house soon and buying our first family home and I feel the second child bedroom will be an issue as there seem to always be a ‘smaller’ bedroom in a three bed. I know the children will argue over it. In this case I will feel it’s more fair for my DC to get the bigger bedroom as they are older and it’s their main home rather than their second home as is the situation with SC but then again I might be biased! I’m not sure how my partner will see the situation as there’s no really ‘fair’ way to do that.

I’m not sure how my partner will see the situation as there’s no really ‘fair’ way to do that

See I disagree, I think there is a fair way to do it. The children may not like it but it doesn't mean it's not fair.

The child who lives there the majority of the time should have the larger bedroom imo.

@GrubbyGruber yes I understand and I feel that’s what the majority of people would do. In my step childs eyes though, it won’t be fair, as she’s so used to seeing our home as her home.

We had this problem with the bunk bed and who would get the top bunk...

There is no way to be ‘fair’ in a home with step children. As one poster said earlier in the thread, you just have to try and balance out the unfair the best way you can.

I think as I said in my post that something can still be fair even if the children themselves don't see it that way.

Logically it is fair, whether or not your SC believes it so, that the child living in the home majority of the time has the biggest room for all sorts of reasons, more belongings etc...

Your SC may not see it that way no but that doesn't actually make it unfair.

My kids think everything that doesn't revolve around them is 'unfair' it's down to me as the adult to tell them what is fair or not based on the facts.

In my opinion anyway.

That's just madness. I can see why you got out of the craziness

Definitely the best decision I have ever made. My ex left right before the first lockdown though, so this first year of being free hasn’t been the best. But just being able to live my life day to day without all the unnecessary stress from the ex wife and in laws is great. And ex himself of course.
Me and my parents are going on a UK break this August for a week with the kids (hopefully!) It feels good how I can just go without anyone moaning about it.

My children probably get more overall than their half brothers but it isnt made obvious, they are encouraged to share where appropriate and not to show off about any perceived advantage- whether that be material or eg holidays, time with dad etc. They're into different things, at xmas there isnt one child with a huge pile and the others with less. It's up to the parents to make them all feel like they're getting fair treatment even if it isnt equal. It's just another thing that you have to manage if you choose to have a blended family.

Re ILs, my ex MIL was desperate to hang on to me when I split from ex. I think she was worried that she wouldn't get to see the DC as ex was crap at maintaining contact and it was always me that made the arrangements. Plus she was embarrassed about him having an affair and wanted to make up for that by being overly affectionate to me. We have remained on friendly terms, purely for the sake of my DC and they have a great relationship with her and the extended family because I knew it was for the best. Conversely the relationship with the new partner (OW) has been more strained and ex does nothing to support it so exMILs contact with the newer children is limited. Certainly not my responsibility and mostly due to the facts of the situation (sudden affair, moving OW in straight away, pregnant within months) and exMIL finding it hard to build a relationship on this basis. Whereas I had been in the family for years.

When I was a child, my mum and stepdad took my half brothers to Disneyland Florida. I was told if I wanted to go I'd have to pay for myself (we are in UK) as they couldn't afford to take me too. I was 16, still in school and had a Saturday job that paid £10 per week.

It hurt like hell and still does. It's massively affected my relationship with them. They also spent far more on my half brothers at Christmas.

My dad on the other hand always made sure Christmases were even in terms of spending with his wife's daughters - my step sisters. It felt fair.

Some of these posts are quite materialistic; it's not about cash. It's about how you are made to feel like you don't fit it belong.

In my case I guess I had more spent at Christmas than my half brothers overall as I had 2 homes. But I would willingly have traded it to feel like I belonged in my mums house, and not like an outsider.

Yanbu. My partner makes us 'save' days out for when we have his kids. So theres loads of time when we are bored at home with my kids aswe couldn't possibly do something without his kids. Then his kids tell us about all the days out they've done with their mum. I got annoyed before lockdown and booked a spontaneous trip abroad for me and my kids and my partner commented how his kids have never been abroad. He wasn't even coming himself! I book days out with my sister and our children now.

It won't help the resident child if one parent too feels that it is unfair. Like it or not they have the benefits of two parents, seeing them every day rather than end of the week or a few days a week. As a child they won't understand that but you as a an adult should be able too. It really shouldn't matter what the dsc gets from their mother because she has nothing to do with you. If your partner wants to spend an equal amount on all of his children that is what he should do, however it doesn't stop you from buying more for your own child using your own money.

With regards to bedrooms , I agree the resident children should have the larger rooms because they will spend more time in them. Parenting stepparenting will always be difficult if the adults involved are not on the same page. I don't understand why people don't talk about this kind of stuff before going to to have kids with someone who already has them, even then it takes a lot of patience and compromise for it to work.

I can understand this...as an example we always ensure DSD and DC all receive something if we decide to treat them, the same obviously isn’t done by DSD mum.
She bought DSD a new bike recently and we didn’t do the same for DC (too pricey, things like that are saved for birthdays/Christmas). Understandably, siblings might feel jealous about it.
Similarly, DC get a bit upset about DSD going to her mums but it’s often the SC feelings about coming and going that are more considered.
It can be tough for everyone to negotiate

Like it or not they have the benefits of two parents, seeing them every day rather than end of the week or a few days a week. As a child they won't understand that but you as a an adult should be able too.

Ah, the old resident children should just be grateful that their parents are together and living in the same house as them full time argument. So they should definitely experience a kind of EOW by proxy arrangement where everyone waits in limbo until their half siblings arrive. 🙄

It really shouldn't matter what the dsc gets from their mother because she has nothing to do with you
Quite right, too. The problem is when what the resident children get is seen to be the business of the DSC.
Classic example - I’ve read threads where SMs have been hauled over the coals for buying their own child a new winter coat but not their step child (who didn’t even need one). Why is it the step child’s business that their younger half sibling had grown out of last winters coat and needed a new one? It’s not anyone else’s business if the step child gets a new coat so it should be the same in reverse.
My DSD gets days out with mum and dads out with us. I’m not going to be making my son sit twiddling his thumbs waiting for his sister before he can go anywhere or do anything. What he does when she’s not here isn’t any of her business, just as it’s not our business what she gets up to with her mum.
He gets one childhood and he will not be spending half of his free time waiting for anyone.

Also the spending equally on NR and R children argument never seems to take CMS into account. The NRP is spending money on their other children (to some degree anyway) for the time they are with their other parent. They're also paying for rooms and stuff that aren't being used when the kids aren't there too.

Funnily enough no one seems to think the resident child needs to be compensated for all the additional money that their father is spending on his other children. I'm not saying they should, but it's so common to hear that as father should spend equally on his child R and NR on here only when it means not spending on the R children.

My H pays £700 a month to his ex to cover his half of the costs of her having them 9/14 nights (so long as it's not a school holiday). The baby doesn't even have a bedroom in this house (and the spare room/WFH office is a tiny box room, so he is unlikely to get one of the extremely large double rooms that sits empty most of the week). Should I demand that his father spends equally on all his children once the £350 each plus the higher cost per square metre of living space are taken into account?

After all, he should only spend the same money on each of his children. Shouldn't he?