AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?
I think fair often depends on the particular family situation. I’ve seen the double standard you’re referring too, it’s just one of many.
“You’re not their mother, you don’t get a say” followed swiftly by “what do you mean you haven’t written them into your will equal to your own child, you sound mean” .
It’s a bloody minefield and what’s fair in one family would be quite unjust in another.

Not read the whole thread but thought id say how we do things
Christmas and easter our three children and darling stepson get the same amount of money also for birthdays, days out in the year half of those we include dss the other half is our family unit. Pocket money dss gets half what the others get, we then buy odd bits for our children threw the year where as we dont dss but if he was here and i was out and brought for one child id buy for all him included. On the flip side his csa is a hole lot more than we spend on the others a month so its all swings and round abouts, children notice the diffrence. Dss xmas bits are getting more exspensive as hes getting older so his pile was smaller than dd, dd got very emotional thinking he had been naughty because santa didnt leave him as much.

@EnoughnowIthink

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?

Quite. Endless threads about the lazy ex who doesn’t work and how the new family is so hard working and the children deserve to reap the rewards of that but the DSC can’t expect to benefit because of their mother....I have seen why should my children miss out on private school because the ex can’t afford to pay her half of school fees more than once. It’s fine if the step family is better off but not when it goes the other way.

What a load of old shit. Of course there are problems regarding the ex on the step parenting board. If they weren't experiences problems they wouldn't post.

People seem to think knob head exs don't exist, lazy exs don't exist. They do.

Everyone believe lazy knob head ex husband's exist don't they - why is it so unbelievable when it's a woman?

Some women are horrible bastards. Honestly, they are.

In my case, my dad was far wealthier than my mum and made most of his money after they divorced. As such, the lifestyle my half brother (who I adore and am 10 years older than) had overall was vastly more privileged than mine. I saw my dad EOW and once a week and had lovely holidays with him, but my bother, as my dad's resident child, had a huge bedroom all his life (I shared with my DS both at my mum's and my dad's) he had a massive garden to play in all the time, a stay at home mum etc. My dad always paid cm and paid for private school etc. for me but my and my brother's lives were different.

What’s peoples takes on dance classes, etc. DSD can’t participate really at our home as she’s here EOW, her home is nearly 2 hours away. Should my DC miss out because she can’t come along and it’s not equal?

I think it is what it is.

My older son gets to do his sport (because his father also takes him when he’s with him). The baby gets to go to swimming lessons (or will when they start up again).

The DSC don’t... but that’s because their parents haven’t sorted that out between them. Or even individually. It’s not my job to make sure they learn to swim or dance or whatever else.

Just to add, as I said, I am much older than my half brother, which I think makes a big difference. I wouldn't have batted an eye at him being taken for days out when I was at my mum's or him going to classes at the weekends. We were at such different stages so I wouldn't have noticed. I did notice, though, that he had an "easier"'life than me. Not having to go between houses, having his parents together etc. I don't begrudge him that though obviously. I do think I would have felt very differently if he'd been a step brother rather than a half brother.

There was a thread on here from a step mother wanting to get legal advice about making sure the inheritance from her parents went solely to her DC
I don't remember that thread but am surprised anyone would have disagreed unless there was more to the context. Otherwise, why would anyone have an issue with this?

Same with the room, I've never read that the resident child gets as all bedroom whilst the child that it comes eow gets the large one.

In either of these examples do I believe most people would disagree with the SM's view.

@AlwaysLatte

Yes, much better being in a together family where your parents hate eachother. The 1950s called, they need you back. You're putting words into my mouth. I didn't say people shouldn't separate, not at all. I just said that it was just an unfortunate situation if it does have to (often necessarily) happen.

I wouldn’t worry about them putting words into your mouth. As a child I’d have preferred my parents together over having a step mother who actively hated me and had the issue saying it to whoever listened.

If you have an issue with your DSC talking about the massive amount of presents they have to your DC deal with that issue. We talk about this as DS has cousins where there are several in the family opposed to one here, so there was likely the same amount spent but between four instead of one. One year DS was showing off about the console he got for Christmas, I swiftly removed him and told him I expected better of him.

It’s not right/fair to give them a crap present because their mum buys them stuff and the DC here only has one home. How is it fair for the DSC to get ‘nothing’ from their dad while your DC gets a tablet?

we (I) spent more on RDC than DSC because I'm their mother and DSC get presents from theirs?
If your oh great them the same and you but something additional to your DC because you know he really wants it and you can afford it, there's nothing wrong, although better to give the extra present when DC isn't there.

If you buy extra for your DC to make a point of wanting him to have as many in total as DSC gets and making sure he opens them all in front of DSC, then this odd behaviour.

The NRP should treat all their DC the same with regards to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. The children living elsewhere already miss out on living with them so everything else should be equal. What they have elsewhere is of no relevance. Both sets will have different families and different treatment from them.

@EnoughnowIthink

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?

Quite. Endless threads about the lazy ex who doesn’t work and how the new family is so hard working and the children deserve to reap the rewards of that but the DSC can’t expect to benefit because of their mother....I have seen why should my children miss out on private school because the ex can’t afford to pay her half of school fees more than once. It’s fine if the step family is better off but not when it goes the other way.

I think you're misinterpreting what is actually being said.

Its not that the DSCs mother can't do X Y or Z for the DSC or that it's anyone's business what she does. Just that exactly equal in dad's house will not always = fair overall depending on varying things.

The bigger things like inheritance being the main ones in my opinion. Because you do often see step mother's being told they should share their inheritance between step children and their own DC and it doesn't matter what DSC are due to inherit from their own Mum. Which is true, it isn't the step mother's business what her DSC may or may not be due to inherit, but it's not anyone's business what she plans to give to her DC either and just like DSCs mother she should be allowed to look out for her own DC in her will if she wishes without feeling guilty.

As a PP said, I think these things are easier if you view things as parents rather than couples. So DSC have two parents, resident children have two parents. It just so happens that the mothers (or fathers) may be different, therefore the DC may get different/more things from, trips out with etc... their own respective mothers (or fathers). I don't believe that's unfair personally. But step mother's are usually told they shouldn't be doing X for their DC if they don't also do it for DSC. I don't always agree that that logic is fair on resident children (situation dependant) and I think that's what this is about.

DAD (or whoever the bio parent is in the blended family) should treat all of his children equally, I don't think there needs to be huge pressures on anyone else to do so.

That's it in a nutshell. My ds will inevitably get more as I am a higher earner and choose to have a single child not 3 or 4 like the dsc parents.
It's just the way it is, but it is 100% fair provide dp treats all his 4 children the smae regardless of what they get from exw or for our joint child from me.

/what goes on in your house is all you should be concerned with.

What happens in the NRP has nothing to do with you birthdays, holidays etc.

We treat all DCS in our house equally, irrespective of anything else going on

DH, his ex and I have an apple each.
I choose to give my apple to DS.
Ex chooses to give her apple to her DD (my DSD).
DH half’s his apple and gives equally to each of his children.
Fine.
The problem is that some people think i should half my apple and share between both kids because it’s irrelevant that DSD already has an apple, I married her dad so I took on the responsibility to half my apple.
So now DS has the equivalent of 1 whole apple and DSD has 1.5 apples, to make it “fair”.
Nope.

Yep, madness!

You absolutely have a point.
Not my situation but a friend had a step parent and step brother growing up and the dad was so utterly concerned that his child was missing out that their whole lives were skewed towards him.
There were no days out or fun or anything unless step brother was there - even tho he might be on holiday with his mum for instance so not missing out on any fun! Things like Xmas day - they wouldn’t be allowed to open presents or have dinner until step brother came, which may have been late afternoon.
Everything had to revolve around ensuring step brother never felt even the slightest bit hard done by - all of course driven by the dads guilt.

My friend has a very up and down relationship with her mum and step dad now as so much of her childhood and teenage years were spent playing second fiddle to her step brother.

I have always believed that fairness isn’t necessarily equal. And priority isn’t always one particular child or person - priority goes to who needs it most at that point in time.

Step children or resident children - they need to know the world does not necessarily revolve around them. They are loved and looked after but sometimes other people’s needs are more important.

To teach your child that it’s only their feelings which count - you’re setting them up for failure as an adult to be honest.

Doh! She has 2 apples! That was embarrassing 😳

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

The NRP should treat all their DC the same with regards to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. The children living elsewhere already miss out on living with them so everything else should be equal. What they have elsewhere is of no relevance. Both sets will have different families and different treatment from them.

So the nrp can never go on holiday without the kids but the rp can?

@DuggyOnDown

We've taken dss on holiday, and we've gone without him and nobody's feelings got hurt

I do often wonder if sometimes it's more us as adults all discussing our concern over feelings getting hurt than actual hurt feelings in reality tbh.

We've a few things in our setup which would be a huge NO NO on MN and yet everyone seems very happy, get along great and, I don't believe are hurt by. I know you can say maybe they are hiding it but knowing everyone in our family, I can't imagine they are.

Absolutely agree, my step son has never been hurt by any of the things people talk about on MN. There would be horror on here and yet very little drama in real life.

@Youseethethingis

DH, his ex and I have an apple each. I choose to give my apple to DS. Ex chooses to give her apple to her DD (my DSD). DH half’s his apple and gives equally to each of his children. Fine. The problem is that some people think i should half my apple and share between both kids because it’s irrelevant that DSD already has an apple, I married her dad so I took on the responsibility to half my apple. So now DS has the equivalent of 1 whole apple and DSD has 1.5 apples, to make it “fair”. Nope.

This is a nice clear way of explaining the issue. It gets worse the more SC there are too.

No I don't think so.

In our house they all get what they ask for at birthdays and Christmas. Due to the age difference our DD gets more things but the older ones get generally more spent due to their age and the items they ask for as she gets older it will be the exact same.

We do holidays with them all or separately, days out together or with the older ones or nights away etc.

Our lifes don't stop because the older ones aren't here any more than they would if we were parents to both of them. Our dd could in theory go on one holiday and spend time with both her parents and siblings.

Unless dh and I wanted to fly to Spain with both our exs and their new families then for our step children to have a chance to go on holiday with both their parents and both families then they get to come with us and their other parent. So it's equal in the sense all the kids get an opportunity to go away with their parents.

They all had chances to do extra circular activities they wanted so sports, dance, drama etc.

When they were younger it was the same. If my ss got a games console at his mams well he was hardly packing it up every weekend and bringing it with him so he had one here. So technically two but could only use one at a time. Dd the same. Anything that could move with them did but big things they had one at each house.

Our dd gets things through out the year, clothes, toys books etc. She has one room that has more stuff than a toy shop. She doesn't need two bikes or two consoles or two beds because she has one house she lives in.

We have 100% joint finances dh had a house that I had not contributed to the deposit or payments prior to marriage. I had a life time tenancy that my dd was entitled to inherit. I earn a higher wage. So by getting married and moving to our home that I now contribute to I expect her to inherit part of it. So they will inherit the house divided between them. Then we have life insurance and death in service split between DH, I and the all the children equally. We have no control over what the older ones may or may not inherit. Though as it stands they will only inherit from us.

Having raised two children to adulthood between two homes DH and both agree that our joint dd has a much better and happier childhood than our older children with much less complications and stress and more stuff in this house than either of the older ones.

So no we don't think she is at a disadvantage versus her siblings. It is not something either of us want her to experience and something we really value in our relationship is her being able to grow up in a stable and secure family environment that is as low conflict and uncomplicated as possible.

Since the older ones are technically adults we must have done something right since they choose to spend time with us and their sister. They still want to come away with us and plan family events etc.

But it's like anything in life it all depends on the individual circumstances in the family and home.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@DuggyOnDown
Your RDC will hear friends and school mates describing gifts and experiences that they got and are rarely surprised or traumatized that other people receive gifts in their homes that the RDC do not receive in their home. Even young children know the difference between their home and other homes. The RDC don't think of the step children's other home as their home nor do they think of their siblings mother as their mother of any sort. Chances are you have made them abundantly aware that they are not related in any way to your husband's ex.

Even young children have enough awareness to understand differences and when properly taught to accept differences in the proper perspective.[/quote]
I think it's really interesting that you would say this and not see the irony of how it could also apply to DSC.

Situations should never be black or white.

Of course it's absolutely fine to go on breaks and even holidays without the SCs. What isn't it ok is when you make the main hissy of the year, somewhere fun and exotic without them for 2 weeks, and then just take the SCs on a caravan park locally for 4 days aimed at youngest and tell the SCs they are ungrateful when they say they are bored.

It's all about the right balance.

I honestly think it's fine to separate the step parent from the parent in these situations.

So I don't think it's wrong if step mum (or dad whoever the SP is) wants to do with or get whatever for her DC then that's fine imo. So long as the bio parent in the couple treats all their children the same.

So SM taking her DC on an exotic 2 week holiday with her family rather than her husband. Fine. So long as Dads children all get treated the same by him.