AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I disagree resentment only occurs if they are told to be resentful.

Children are very astute and can quite clearly see for themselves when there is a difference in treatment without it being pointed out. When they get to adulthood and understand their parent/s could have done things very differently but didn’t it can bring a new set of issues to deal with.

But that doesn't apply to resident DC?

So if we can't afford to take Ds and dss away, we don't go.

But dss might go away on 3 long haul holidays a year with his mum

Ds knows the reason we can't go away is because we can't afford to go in school holidays to be able to take dss for example and he also knows dss had had several holidays

Won't that cause resentment too?

Is it ok that the resident child misses out in this situation?

@bogoffmda could it be possible that his partner paid?
I had a situation a few years ago where I booked a holiday for me and my 2 DCs and last minute DP was able to fly out for a few days so I paid for his flight.
I was called all sorts of awful names by his ex because I dared to have a holiday with my own children somewhere nice and I didn’t offer to pay for my SCs. I couldn’t have afforded the holiday if I had to pay for all 6, plus I wanted some quality time with my own kids.
I invited DP as my guest and paid for him.

@bogoffmda

Magda - fundamentally disagree re holidays. Kids do recognise disparity without anyone saying anything - they are not stupid. EX and SM told my 2 they could not afford to take her DCS x2, their jointDC x1 and EX Dcx2 on holiday together - it was too expensive.

Circa 2 weeks later - they all flew off business class to Barbados and my 2 were left behind. Ex proceeded to call them every night - first 2 nights denial - then her DCS wanted to speak to them and regaled my 2 with tales of swimming, sun, turtles etc.

I am unable to articulate the hurt that caused and was repeated over the 2 years they were together. My 9 yr old articulated it - Mum we could have all gone to Spain for a week for less than that cost - so the lack of money was a lie.

Like I said parity in your house for all the children when both parents are invovled. One taking their own away to see family, have a holiday etc not an issues. Luxury holidays where SDCs are excluded on the basis of cost - are going to cause trouble, kids are not stupid.

Mine just wanted time with their Dad - location was irrelevant but he had used his holiday - so not ime for them. It sets a very poor example to all the children,

Bloody hell. That is just fucking cruel.

@Poodly

Just seems like there is so much tip toeing around like it's the worst thing in the world to just have a conversation about this with them.

If you make it clear that the half siblings extra in the gift example is from their Mummy, why can't that be explained and understood? I actually think a lot of children, obviously not talking tiny toddlers, would understand that, people just don't give them opportunity to by talking to them.

I agree. We've had no problems here explaining it to the SC and they understand I earn money for the treats for my child. Their mum gets them treats etc. And daddy gets treats for all 3. They aren't stupid they get it.

The holidays thing also massively depends on this it’s out across to the kids.

The year we went to France camping ex took his new wife and their son to Disneyland. It’s not what I would have done on a big holiday like that, but fair enough, all kids had a holiday so nothing problematic.

Next 4 years we went on camping holidays. Ex took his wife and kids to Disney twice again, Australia (that a particularly harsh one to exclude the girls from as it was to visit family), and the Caribbean.

My girls were pretty good at not being too upset. They used the fact there was a big age gap between them and their half siblings to excuse it and recognised that maybe it was hard to have a holiday that suited two 12 year olds and a 3/4 yo.

The girls started feeling resentful when, to save for the Caribbean holiday, everything they usually did got cancelled - no swimming, no birthday zoo trip, no days out at all and their monthly pizza and movie night was cancelled. Because “as a family” they had to “save for the holiday”. For a whole year their Dad did nothing with them and they didn’t even get a postcard.

No. DSDs mother chooses to live off benefits and maintenance. I choose to work.

The difference in DSD and DD lifestyle is due to the choice DSD mother makes. Not my job to compensate for that choice.

@bogoffmda I think I remember you posting about this before & I wholeheartedly agree that what happened to your dc in this Instance was deeply unkind & hurtful.
But I think your example is at the extremely end of things (& that's not me minimising it) & tbh if I'm remembering your posts correctly your ex sounds both clueless & not very caring.
I just feel that many kids 'get' the differences between households & when said differences are explained to them they're ok with them until they start getting wound up by the adults. For eg my dc always 'got' that I brought them on foreign holidays as I'd more disposable income than exh. Some years they didn't even get a holiday with him due to finances. Now if I'd banged on about how they didn't get a holiday with their dad it would have made more of it than it was.
I fully appreciate there are extremes in behaviour such as your dc experienced & that is not ok, but I think a lot of disparities between households can be explained to children & they can understand it.

The girls started feeling resentful when, to save for the Caribbean holiday, everything they usually did got cancelled - no swimming, no birthday zoo trip, no days out at all and their monthly pizza and movie night was cancelled. Because “as a family” they had to “save for the holiday”. For a whole year their Dad did nothing with them and they didn’t even get a postcard
The phrase “all fur coat and no knickers” springs to mind.
What a bastard.

The girls started feeling resentful when, to save for the Caribbean holiday, everything they usually did got cancelled - no swimming, no birthday zoo trip, no days out at all and their monthly pizza and movie night was cancelled. Because “as a family” they had to “save for the holiday”. For a whole year their Dad did nothing with them and they didn’t even get a postcard.
Again, very, very wrong.

See I vehemently disagree with this. This sort of statement implies that a stay at home caravan holiday is somehow less than something fun & exotic & that's pure adult projection being placed on children
The scenario obviously implied that the SCs would prefer the 2 weeks away in Florida. Most would. If they begged to go camping for 4 days in rainy Wales than of course it's not an issue.

Also no issue if SM goes with her own children, paid with her disposable money but when threads like that come about, they want, understandably, their partner on holiday with them.

What if the scs are on their own fun exotic holiday with mum at the same time? Or they do Disneyland every year but the only way the resident DC get to go away is in term time for instance because that's all they can afford?
This was the exact scenario for my kids. Their dad went away on a holiday with his partner and her children that my kids would have love to go on with them. He lied about it at first, then promised to take them away but never did. His attitude was that they got to go on nice breaks with me. That's very true, but 12 years later, they are not close because ultimately, he's ever made them feel special. The holiday was just one of many such instances.

It's not about the holiday itself, it's about the shared experience.

I also think it’s important to remember that most people posting threads on here are at the extreme ends of scales. People with harmonious co-parenting set ups don’t need threads on here.

I had a thread about the girls bedroom at their Dad’s house being taken from them and a lot of people felt I was wrong.

In hindsight it’s clear to me that I’d picked up on what had started, but hadn’t outwardly realised it, if that makes sense?

Small things that on their own might seem like an over-reaction or trivial thing can just be the proverbial straw.

When they get to adulthood and understand their parent/s could have done things very differently but didn’t it can bring a new set of issues to deal with
This is,exactly what happened with my kids.

But that doesn't apply to resident DC?
It does. If the it nice holiday SC get is with their mum, whilst their dad chooses to take his eldest in more grown up fun break, of course resentment could be expected.

Is it ok that the resident child misses out in this situation?
All the kids miss out on a nice holiday with their dad. The SC going away with their mum doesn't change this. Ideally, there is enough income for the child to go away with mum only.

@JustLyra

The holidays thing also massively depends on this it’s out across to the kids.

The year we went to France camping ex took his new wife and their son to Disneyland. It’s not what I would have done on a big holiday like that, but fair enough, all kids had a holiday so nothing problematic.

Next 4 years we went on camping holidays. Ex took his wife and kids to Disney twice again, Australia (that a particularly harsh one to exclude the girls from as it was to visit family), and the Caribbean.

My girls were pretty good at not being too upset. They used the fact there was a big age gap between them and their half siblings to excuse it and recognised that maybe it was hard to have a holiday that suited two 12 year olds and a 3/4 yo.

The girls started feeling resentful when, to save for the Caribbean holiday, everything they usually did got cancelled - no swimming, no birthday zoo trip, no days out at all and their monthly pizza and movie night was cancelled. Because “as a family” they had to “save for the holiday”. For a whole year their Dad did nothing with them and they didn’t even get a postcard.

I mean yeah that is a total shit head thing to do and unacceptable

@dontdisturbmenow

When they get to adulthood and understand their parent/s could have done things very differently but didn’t it can bring a new set of issues to deal with This is,exactly what happened with my kids.

But that doesn't apply to resident DC?
It does. If the it nice holiday SC get is with their mum, whilst their dad chooses to take his eldest in more grown up fun break, of course resentment could be expected.

Is it ok that the resident child misses out in this situation?
All the kids miss out on a nice holiday with their dad. The SC going away with their mum doesn't change this. Ideally, there is enough income for the child to go away with mum only.

So again what op says it's true, the resident DC misses out don't they.

The situation also depends on the financial set up. Most opt for joint accounts so there isn't SMs Vs Father of all the children funds.

Even if budgets are separated, it would be a but odd, if living together in a commited relationship that one would be so much better off that they can afford to pay for everyone's holiday whilst dad can afford it even for himself. I would think that's an unusual set up.

Our income is joint which apparently doesn't count so in theory my ds would never get a holiday unless we took dss also.

It appears that a great number of people really do think that love is presents and holidays for NR children. Or at least should be measured in it.

No wonder there are so many Disney dads.

Resident children, on the other hand, should just be grateful they live with dad all the time.

So again what op says it's true, the resident DC misses out don't they
They don't miss out more than the SCs. Whatever SCs do with their mum is irrelevant.

OP was talking about her getting another tablet to her child. No issue with that if she can afford it and it comes from her only.

Do we really want to teach NR children that love is about how much they get?

@dontdisturbmenow

So again what op says it's true, the resident DC misses out don't they They don't miss out more than the SCs. Whatever SCs do with their mum is irrelevant.

OP was talking about her getting another tablet to her child. No issue with that if she can afford it and it comes from her only.

In reality it's not irrelevant is it? A child sees their half sibling getting xyz off dad like they do, but also xyz off mum, going on holidays, doing nice stuff but the resident child doesn't get to do any of that stuff because of the step child essentially.

I don't believe thats fair and I don't believe simply living with dad makes up for that.

Resident children, on the other hand, should just be grateful they live with dad all the time
No there should be a balance. Ok to go away during term time with RC who isn't yet at school but only if dad can take them a or oy his eldest too at some point and something not massively disproportionate.

@dontdisturbmenow

So again what op says it's true, the resident DC misses out don't they They don't miss out more than the SCs. Whatever SCs do with their mum is irrelevant.

OP was talking about her getting another tablet to her child. No issue with that if she can afford it and it comes from her only.

In reality nothing comes from "Me only" because we have a joint account... So can I not buy my child anything "extra" ever?

A child sees their half sibling getting xyz off dad like they do, but also xyz off mum, going on holidays, doing nice stuff but the resident child doesn't get to do any of that stuff because of the step child essentially
No different to the child jetting off somewhere exotic with their grand parents whilst the SCs be we get to go anywhere with their mum/GP on mum's side because they are on low income.

There can also be huge differences between cousins. These are just how it is. What matters is that they get the sane from the parent they share.

@dontdisturbmenow

A child sees their half sibling getting xyz off dad like they do, but also xyz off mum, going on holidays, doing nice stuff but the resident child doesn't get to do any of that stuff because of the step child essentially No different to the child jetting off somewhere exotic with their grand parents whilst the SCs be we get to go anywhere with their mum/GP on mum's side because they are on low income.

There can also be huge differences between cousins. These are just how it is. What matters is that they get the sane from the parent they share.

Well yes although that's much less likely.

Cousins are not comparable whatsoever.

I don't agree though, tbh.