AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

The point is people make so much effort to balance out what they deem as the 'bad bits' that they don't give a toss how it affects the other child (ren) in the scenario.

That’s the point where I’m out.

Telling people they don’t give a toss about their kids is hardly conducive to good conversation or debate.

We've taken dss on holiday, and we've gone without him and nobody's feelings got hurt

I do often wonder if sometimes it's more us as adults all discussing our concern over feelings getting hurt than actual hurt feelings in reality tbh.

We've a few things in our setup which would be a huge NO NO on MN and yet everyone seems very happy, get along great and, I don't believe are hurt by. I know you can say maybe they are hiding it but knowing everyone in our family, I can't imagine they are.

@JustLyra

The point is people make so much effort to balance out what they deem as the 'bad bits' that they don't give a toss how it affects the other child (ren) in the scenario.

That’s the point where I’m out.

Telling people they don’t give a toss about their kids is hardly conducive to good conversation or debate.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying posters here don't seem to give a toss about RDC because they are so concerned about what's best for DSC.

I'm not talking about people not giving a toss about their children...

@JustLyra

The point is people make so much effort to balance out what they deem as the 'bad bits' that they don't give a toss how it affects the other child (ren) in the scenario.

That’s the point where I’m out.

Telling people they don’t give a toss about their kids is hardly conducive to good conversation or debate.

Ahahahahha. It's weird because that's ALL people usually say to step parents on this board but apparently now that's not okay.

So posters replying to an OP, only ever seem concerned about DSC and being seen as equal. Not whether that is actually fair on the other child(ren).

I'm not talking about people not caring about their own children.

I don't think it's any different to some children having more grandparents compared to others, or even any. Also the 'double presents' thing is a small consolation for sadly being in a broken family.

@AlwaysLatte

I don't think it's any different to some children having more grandparents compared to others, or even any. Also the 'double presents' thing is a small consolation for sadly being in a broken family.

Yes, much better being in a together family where your parents hate eachother. The 1950s called, they need you back.

My husband had two adult children when we had two together, and we really make a point of treating them all equally, regardless of what else they might get elsewhere.

Yes, much better being in a together family where your parents hate eachother. The 1950s called, they need you back.
You're putting words into my mouth. I didn't say people shouldn't separate, not at all. I just said that it was just an unfortunate situation if it does have to (often necessarily) happen.

@AlwaysLatte

I don't think it's any different to some children having more grandparents compared to others, or even any. Also the 'double presents' thing is a small consolation for sadly being in a broken family.

But again, this is only ever one sided because there are plenty of threads where the RDCs grandparents are also expected to treat DSC exactly the same.

The argument of 'they just happen to have different grandparents/mum/family' only applies to DSC. If you say that the other way around you're being mean, not including, unfair etc...

I think it’s a very overlooked element of step/blended families

Yes this is what I mean. No one ever seems to think about it.

@AlwaysLatte

Yes, much better being in a together family where your parents hate eachother. The 1950s called, they need you back. You're putting words into my mouth. I didn't say people shouldn't separate, not at all. I just said that it was just an unfortunate situation if it does have to (often necessarily) happen.

You said sadly. It's often not "sadly" at all, and actually the best thing that happens to children.

My life is much, much better than it would have been if my mum had remained with my dad.

I don't need your pity, nor do I need extra material possessions to make up for it.

Children from "broken homes" aren't a second class of people and need to stop being treated as such.

I suppose I'm just thinking of my own personal experience. I was quite miserable when my parents divorced when I was aged 13, although I never told them and did support it 100% as I knew they were much happier.

@Mumbo1234

I’m becoming increasingly aware of this now that DH and I have a child too....it’s tricky getting DH to sometimes see it like that though.

He would have liked to have given each child a stocking from Santa at Christmas even though DSC was at mums this year. Instead, we just got her a present from us and we’ll do the stocking at the Christmases she’s with us. Santa doesn’t come twice!

The other thing is days out. I don’t want to not take DS anywhere when DSC isn’t here because she’ll be doing things with her mum that weekend, not say at home.

I’m also conflicted about my will (hopefully not something to worry about now). DSD mum is very wealthy so she’d be set up for life anyway. DH wants to treat both children equally, which I can understand but I don’t know what to do with mine.

I have to admit that when I was pregnant, I worried a lot about DSD but didn’t think about how the situation could affect my own child including DSD coming and going.

I think children to new relationships are really overlooked when it comes to everyone feeling happy and secure with things.

Your savings should absolutely be left to your child. You are under no obligation to fund other people's children. DSC has 2 parents to take care of her. Of course your husband should split his between his 2 children.

My parents each had two children when they met. They then had me.
Our parents took the view that it didn't matter what happened outside our family, within it we were treated equally.
So holidays would have all of us. My siblings on one side would occasionally go away with there other parent but that wasnt used as a way to exclude them.

We were treated equally with present. That doesnt mean the same cost. Just that we would all have one big present then some smaller. So as I was the youngest my big present was a furby. My brothers had playstation. Sometimes one kid would need more than the others.

This attitude that my parents had really helped us feel like a family. None of us were more important than others. Days out and cinema visits were a bit different. Because of the age difference and being at the other parents sometimes then it would occasionally be just me taken out.

I spend double on our child purely because it’s fair. SDs mum can spend what she wants it’s her family etc. The same with any inheritance from her father, she will get equal share with her brother but none from me. We go on holidays without her, we go on day trips without her too, life doesn’t start and stop when my SC enters or leaves the household. Family life should include her but not revolve around her contact days that’s madness and your sending the wrong signal to both children. SD used to have our third bed/study when she stayed over but we stopped that as soon as mum put expectations on the room being solely for her use only.

@Witchymclovely

I spend double on our child purely because it’s fair. SDs mum can spend what she wants it’s her family etc. The same with any inheritance from her father, she will get equal share with her brother but none from me. We go on holidays without her, we go on day trips without her too, life doesn’t start and stop when my SC enters or leaves the household. Family life should include her but not revolve around her contact days that’s madness and your sending the wrong signal to both children. SD used to have our third bed/study when she stayed over but we stopped that as soon as mum put expectations on the room being solely for her use only.

Where does she sleep now?

Equal and fair are not necessarily the same thing. This past year when asked what they wanted for their birthday My young son wanted a particular game console and some specified games. My daughter who was going to celebrate her 16 birthday wanted a car.

Both children got exactly what they wanted. Numerically, my son received more gifts , in terms of overall cost my daughter was leagues ahead. The gifting was not equal but it was fair.

My children learned that in our home equal attention and concern wss given to the gifts that they received. If either of my children had questioned the number of gifts received or the amount spent, after gently explaining the rationale, I would likely have taken their gift back for a period of time.

Children's thoughts and feelings do not develop in a vacuum. They are largely influenced by the teaching and values instilled by their parents.

Both my daughter and step daughter were given cars for their 16 birthday. Their birthdays were 2 months apart. We waited to give them the cars on he same day, so neither received the car on their actual birthday.

The kids don't always receive the same gifts and the are never anything as expensive as the cars. They understand that each set of children have 2 homes , and that different things can and do happen in those homes.

It only matters to them that they are all given equal treatment by their parent in each of their respective homes.

Personally, I cannot wrap my head around the notion of kids getting 2 sets of gifts as some kind of imbalance. It is my job to concern myself with gift giving in my household ; it is not my job to try to compete or equalize what happens in their father's household. The kids know enough to ask for different things in each household. The cars for both girls where shared gifts from both of their biological parents My ex and I split the cost of the car and insurance for our daughter, and my husband and his ex split the cost of the car for his daughter. We had a joint party and give both girls the keys at that time.

We all get along very well and the children all know that none of us allow tales to be carried from one house to the other.

I think that the children do not compare or feel marginalized in either home.

so what do you suggest? that mum doesn't give her children any gifts so as not to offend their half siblings? Presuambly you wouldn't be bothered if you were better off than the ex and your children were getting more than the DSC?

@Oswin she doesn’t now.

@EnoughnowIthink

so what do you suggest? that mum doesn't give her children any gifts so as not to offend their half siblings? Presuambly you wouldn't be bothered if you were better off than the ex and your children were getting more than the DSC?

Don't be so ridiculous that's quite clearly not what I've suggested.

DSCs mother can buy what she likes. The examples I gave in my post were literally that, just examples, I said they didn't actually happen.

It's not about DSCs mother not buying them anything as not to offend my DC. More, why is it unfair if for example, we (I) spent more on RDC than DSC because I'm their mother and DSC get presents from theirs?

So in my example, DSC get a console from their mum and a tablet from their Dad but our DC are only allowed a tablet so it's not 'unequal' in our house. Why would it be unfair if I, as my child's mother, also bought them a console? My DSC got one from their Mum so how is it unfair? That's what I was trying to say. But again, this is an example, not something that has actually happened in my family. It just follows a theme I see on here often, where everything is unfair for DSC but no one cares if it's the reverse.

I struggle with this one; DSDs mum spends hundreds on DSD at Christmas which is totally her choice but then our DC get half as much as she gets. At the moment they’re too young to recognise that and from my point of view I see it as one of the few positives of having separated parents and it’s hard for DSD in so many ways. I do wonder how we’ll manage that when our DC are older.
I also find a similar issue when thinking about days out; again though our DC are lucky in that they don’t have to move between two houses and they get to live with both parents so I hope as they get older they appreciate that.

My issue isn’t really with the gifts but all aspects of half sibling life. I do believe we do right by not doing a Santa stocking each year though

I agree, gifts is just an easy example. As I say I've seen it here with other things, days out, inheritance, bedrooms, being some of the bigger ones.