AIBU to think that equal often ends up being unfair on resident DC not DSC?

[DuggyOnDown]

Another thread got me thinking...

We often see it trotted out on here that everything should be equal between DSC and resident DC.

However, I often find that that is actually unfair on resident DC, something which I think a lot of posters never think (or care) about.

My example on the other thread and the main one for posting is things like Christmas presents.

So according to lots of people here, DSC and DC should get exactly the same (in terms of cost obviously presents aren't always going to be identical) and it doesn't matter what my DSC then go and get at their mums house.

But why doesn't it matter? Especially as children get older, resident DC will be aware that their siblings also then go and get things at mum's house too so why is it totally unfair to expect DSC to understand that resident DC may get a little more at our house because they also get things from their Mum but it's expected of resident children not to care or be upset about it?

For example, my DSC got loads last year for Christmas from their Mum and her parents. Games consoles etc... And couldn't wait to come and tell us all about it, including their half sibling. It seems that our DC is just supposed to accept this and not be upset but that my DSC would be scarred for life if our DC got more spent on them at our house than they did.

Why is one unfair and the other not?

I always feel on this subject that people tie themselves in so many knots trying to be equal that they actually end up being unfair on the resident children.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me it's fine because 'at least my child's parents are together' but I don't agree that children should have to be grateful for that. It's not how they think.

@DuggyOnDown
Your RDC will hear friends and school mates describing gifts and experiences that they got and are rarely surprised or traumatized that other people receive gifts in their homes that the RDC do not receive in their home. Even young children know the difference between their home and other homes. The RDC don't think of the step children's other home as their home nor do they think of their siblings mother as their mother of any sort. Chances are you have made them abundantly aware that they are not related in any way to your husband's ex.

Even young children have enough awareness to understand differences and when properly taught to accept differences in the proper perspective.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@DuggyOnDown
Your RDC will hear friends and school mates describing gifts and experiences that they got and are rarely surprised or traumatized that other people receive gifts in their homes that the RDC do not receive in their home. Even young children know the difference between their home and other homes. The RDC don't think of the step children's other home as their home nor do they think of their siblings mother as their mother of any sort. Chances are you have made them abundantly aware that they are not related in any way to your husband's ex.

Even young children have enough awareness to understand differences and when properly taught to accept differences in the proper perspective.[/quote]
Come on, school friends and siblings are very different.

It's very different hearing a school friend describe what they got than it is hearing your brother talking about X and Y and Z and everything in between he got that you didn't from his Mum.

As I say this is all just an example, it's a wider issue I think on this forum.

Where do you stand on the other examples out of interest? I.e. RDC having the boxroom because DSC who stays EOW had the double before they were born so can't be asked to move. An example I've seen often on here.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@DuggyOnDown
Your RDC will hear friends and school mates describing gifts and experiences that they got and are rarely surprised or traumatized that other people receive gifts in their homes that the RDC do not receive in their home. Even young children know the difference between their home and other homes. The RDC don't think of the step children's other home as their home nor do they think of their siblings mother as their mother of any sort. Chances are you have made them abundantly aware that they are not related in any way to your husband's ex.

Even young children have enough awareness to understand differences and when properly taught to accept differences in the proper perspective.[/quote]
A school friend is not the same as a half sibling though is it?

I don't understand tbh. I'm doing an Easter egg hub with our youngest at easter as the oder dsc are with mom. They asked and I said yes we're are doing a hunt and youngest cousins are coming.
They are having eater eggs but not the egg hunt but presumably they will do that with their mum.

It's a minefield!

I think one way to deal with 'fairness' is to do it by parent rather than couple.

So dad has, say, 3 children. He allocates the same to each of his children.

The children's different mothers then allocate whatever to their own children.

Dad spent the same on each of his children. Which is fair. What their respective mothers buy their own children is up to them.

Maybe that might be easier for children to understand.

Dad spent the same on each of his children. Which is fair. What their respective mothers buy their own children is up to them

This is what we do and I agree is fair (although I do also contribute to DSCs presents).

And I think it's more important for bigger things like inheritance.

I think the only fair way to sort inheritance (apart from a few scenarios like other bio parent not around and step parent raised as their own say), is for it to be for your DC only. So Dad splits with all of his children equally and then the different mother's leave theirs to their own DC. I would never do it any other way as I'd feel I was disadvantaging my own DC if I did personally.

That's another one that gets me. There was a thread on here from a step mother wanting to get legal advice about making sure the inheritance from her parents went solely to her DC. There was loads of talk about how it would cause resentment between the DC and DSC (even though they barely knew OPs parents). But apparently what the DSC get left by their mother is none of your business and irrelevant?

That seems like such a double standard to me. So it's irrelevant what DSC get left by their mother but it's totally relevant and everyone's business what a step mother chooses to leave her DC.

And if it's guaranteed to cause resentment if DC inherit from their mother (their half siblings SM) but DSC don't, then why would it not the other way around? Because I'm sure no one would have a problem if DSC inherited millions from their Mum. I'm sure no one would suggest that that would cause resentment between the children.

*I don't need your pity, nor do I need extra material possessions to make up for it.

Children from "broken homes" aren't a second class of people and need to stop being treated as such.*
@TrustTheGeneGenie I couldn't agree more - well said.
And to everyone else......
You know it IS actually possible to sit children down (both RC & NRC) & explain blended family dynamics inc. things like gifts/days out/holidays & yes, basic finances, to them. Children of all ages can actually be very smart & receptive to open communication, & honest dialogue reduces entitlement AND equips them for the real world.
Who knew?
That's all.

Maybe I've not read enough DSC threads but lots of this feels like straw man arguments, @DuggyOnDown. Who is it in your example who says "you wouldn't be able to buy your DC a console and a tablet"? I know it's a made up example, but is your beef with MN commentators? With the dad of the DC and DSC? It matters because you can just tell people on a thread to bog off, right? But if a child's father wanted his first two kids with ExW to have console from him, tablet from her, and his third child with current DW to have only a console, surely you discuss that issue?

There isn't one right answer or a universal ruler who decides what's fair like the Judge in The Good Place.

I agree that children are a lot more capable and smarter than people on here want to give them credit for @Magda72.

@DuggyOnDown
In my household , my older child has the largest bedroom because she was the only child when the home was purchased. The house has 5 bedrooms. My son has the bedroom closest to the Master bedroom because it started out as his nursery and later became his big boy bedroom.

When , much later I remarried, my step children got to choose between them which of the remaining 2_bedrooms they wanted to have . Even though everyone has a bedroom of their own , the kids will often end up sharing s bedroom.

My step kids actually have 3 bedrooms as my husband kept his condo where they each had a bedroom and they have a bedroom in the house that they share with their mom and stepdad. My children each have a bedroom in the home that they share with their dad and his wife.

There are no " our children " in any of these homes and maybe that makes things easier. His 2 and my 2 are the only child in any of the households and to date, when have not experienced them comparing what they receive in any household.

We have only one agreed upon boundary among the 4 households and that is that there is no tale bearing between homes. Any problem experience in a particular household is to be resolved between the members of that household. This agreement was put in place to respect the autonomy of each home. The kids know that we all speak often, but they also know that we are not going to be manipulated or drawn into issues happening in the other home.

@Wateruniform

Maybe I've not read enough DSC threads but lots of this feels like straw man arguments, *@DuggyOnDown*. Who is it in your example who says "you wouldn't be able to buy your DC a console and a tablet"? I know it's a made up example, but is your beef with MN commentators? With the dad of the DC and DSC? It matters because you can just tell people on a thread to bog off, right? But if a child's father wanted his first two kids with ExW to have console from him, tablet from her, and his third child with current DW to have only a console, surely you discuss that issue?

There isn't one right answer or a universal ruler who decides what's fair like the Judge in The Good Place.

That's fair enough.

My main reason for posting were lots of examples I've seen on MN specifically. It seems a regular occurrence on here that posters think only of DSC and not of any other children in the situation and that there are lots of double standards around this sort of thing.

I understand that its just a forum though and you can as you say just tell people to bog off, and of course what matters more is the expectations in my family. But it's a common theme I see on here.

It's pretty shit having parents divorced and spending time between the two. Even harder if your dad now has a new family. I think having 'two christmases' is a pretty fair compensation for that. It was one of the only perks as a child I had!

I don’t know that any offence was meant by “sadly the parents are separated”. Is it not generally accepted the the ideal for kids is parents together and a happy secure home?
Parents together but mum drinking herself to any early grave because dads a serial cheater is obviously never going to be better than them splitting up, that’s not what was said.
But I don’t think kids need it “made up to them” via lots of stuff either. It all gets a bit silly after a certain point.
There was a poster not long ago getting a hard time because she bought vests for her unborn baby and didn’t buy clothes for her DSC so it was unfair!

@legalseagull

It's pretty shit having parents divorced and spending time between the two. Even harder if your dad now has a new family. I think having 'two christmases' is a pretty fair compensation for that. It was one of the only perks as a child I had!

Presents is an easy example. There are plenty of others of a similar vein.

By the way I myself am a stepchild so I do understand having to go between homes.

I can only imagine how hurtful it would be seeing my half sibling getting more presents or them going on holiday as a family without me. I would have felt so pushed out. The fact that I went away with my mum wouldn't have made me feel more secure in my dads family

@legalseagull

I can only imagine how hurtful it would be seeing my half sibling getting more presents or them going on holiday as a family without me. I would have felt so pushed out. The fact that I went away with my mum wouldn't have made me feel more secure in my dads family

It would, I think, depend very much upon how your dad handled everything.

It never enters my brain to not take my dc away because their half sibling are not here. Their half siblings are school age and we go term time as cheaper and then away everyone together in summer hols. They dont bat an eyelid about it nor does dp exw. It's normal. They get a lot of holiday with grandparents their mom and us all sepertaly. It nice for them.
It's bizarre that people seems to make a big deal of that.

There seems to be a discontinuity to feelings here and in previous threads where similar topics have come up. On one hand (paraphrasing):

“My stepkids already have two parents / another family to inherit from / get presents from / etc."

In other words, the other parent / other family of the step kids is responsible for providing those things, it’s their duty, it’s up to them, none of my business as a step-parent. If the step-kids receive less than the new kids, because their other parent/family is indifferent, or just has lesser finances, that’s just too bad.

BUT…. what if the other parent/family provides at a higher level? Has the ability to leave an inheritance, buy nice presents, etc. Then,

“It’s not fair. The stepkids get more than the new kids.”

But…how and what other parent’s providing isn’t any of your business, is it? It’s up to them, they are just doing the independent stuff you think it's their job to do.

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?

@TryingToBeLogical

There seems to be a discontinuity to feelings here and in previous threads where similar topics have come up. On one hand (paraphrasing):

“My stepkids already have two parents / another family to inherit from / get presents from / etc."

In other words, the other parent / other family of the step kids is responsible for providing those things, it’s their duty, it’s up to them, none of my business as a step-parent. If the step-kids receive less than the new kids, because their other parent/family is indifferent, or just has lesser finances, that’s just too bad.

BUT…. what if the other parent/family provides at a higher level? Has the ability to leave an inheritance, buy nice presents, etc. Then,

“It’s not fair. The stepkids get more than the new kids.”

But…how and what other parent’s providing isn’t any of your business, is it? It’s up to them, they are just doing the independent stuff you think it's their job to do.

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?

It's more than if resident kids get less, it is what it is, but if step kids get less everyone complains about it.

Does it being fair depend on which direction it goes?

Quite. Endless threads about the lazy ex who doesn’t work and how the new family is so hard working and the children deserve to reap the rewards of that but the DSC can’t expect to benefit because of their mother....I have seen why should my children miss out on private school because the ex can’t afford to pay her half of school fees more than once. It’s fine if the step family is better off but not when it goes the other way.