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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 29/03/2021 09:39

What is the normal contact arrangement?

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:40

@Mrscatbells

The extra week was due to me having a high risk pregnancy I will not divulge my medical issues I didn't think I'd need to justify why my husband needed to be by my side and spend time with the baby.

Unfortunately it is a clash of dates and the baby comes when the baby wants to come and with the kids being off most of the year anyway I think Easter was missed.

I'm struggling here like really struggling. I have conflicting emotions about everything to do with the ex the step kids and trying to navigate my hormones as well. I can't then manage contact time your right it's my husbands job. But he's having to work to provide . Having all the kids here fulls me with dread. I can't do it and I've made my position clear

That's good OP, you've made your position clear. Now just let the issue with the holidays go from your head, don't give it any more thought.

And go to your mum's if you want to. Don't just struggle alone because DH wants you to stay home. I think my Mum felt like I'd moved back in when DS was born. Use the support, I'm sure your Mum would want you to.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 09:41

Mrscatbells completely normal. It has hard enough being a mum to a newborn. It will get easier the more your hormones settle down and you get used to other people being around your baby. How long are they due to be with your husband for in the holidays? If you need to spend all day in your bedroom that's fine or go to your mothers for a few days after they've said hello and met the baby. It is tricky as you might be feeling vulnerable.

Runnerduck34 · 29/03/2021 09:41

I think your DH needs to sort it with his ex.
Contact time with his kids is for him not you.
Its not unreasonable for her to ask him to have DC more frequently during school holidays, particularly if she works -they are joint parents after all.
But it is unfair on you to be stuck in the middle of it.
With a new baby I would only agree to have Step kids on more days if their dad was around too.
Once baby is older you may need to be more accommodating, stating the obvious but your dh already has older dc so they are always going to be a big part of your life, by the summer holidays you will have found your feet and things may feel more doable but really its your DHs responsibility to look after his kids and you as his wife/ stepmum you support.
DH is being a bit cheeky expecting you to take on a parenting role when he is at work, especially right now. The stepkids will want to see their dad more than you anyway.
If annual leave is an issue can he purchase additional leave hours from his employer to help accommodate this? He will also be entitled to unpaid parental leave.
In the future there may be times when, as partner and step mum, it is practical for you to look after dcs half siblings when he is at work.
I also second thinking of them as your DCs siblings, they will hopefully have a loving close relationship when they grow up which will benefit your DC hugely.
But right now look after yourself and you new baby, the early days are tough, I hope you have people to support you.

endofthecorridoor · 29/03/2021 09:43

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aSofaNearYou · 29/03/2021 09:45

@Runnerduck34 it will never be OPs job to be "accommodating" and provide childcare for her SC, newborn or not.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:45

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Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 09:46

Op I mean this kindly, this will be just of very many challenges you will both face as you navigate parenthood, one of many, and with all due respect three weeks is a long time whatever the reason.

He can't just check out of his responsibilities I am afraid, working or not, busy or not. His children are his responsibility still.

You seem to be blaming everything but him, what will it take for you to see he has messed up, even saving a few days of holiday would have been better.

You want to be a unit of three, and that is not going to ever happen. Some adjustment needs to take place, if you don't want your dsc to start really resenting your baby. Getting this right now, as in now, means you will have many years of children playing together, having a good relationship and one that is not marred by sadness and rejection. You surely must see that welcoming them to your baby's life is a good thing for all of you - that does not mean you are to look after them at all during the holidays, but please be kind and loving, as you would want someone in your position to treat your child.

Dh needs to sort out childcare in one form or another or take the dc whole easter holiday weekend (4 days) plus the following weekend. It needs to be worked out - for the sake of your family harmony he needs to fix it. Let him get on with it.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:46

I know I was completely unreasonable at times after giving birth and I won't apologise for it either Smile

Howshouldibehave · 29/03/2021 09:49

Did the thought of who was going to look after his older kids during the Easter holidays really not occur to him once during the three weeks he had off with this baby!? I think that really sad.

KurtWilde · 29/03/2021 09:49

So your SC won't be with you at all during the holidays? I hope your DH will be helping with childcare costs then. I understand you're feeling tired and vulnerable, have you told your DH how you feel regarding having his DC there? My concern is that in trying to keep you happy he'll further sideline his existing children. They're still quite young at 6 and 9 and eow for children so young is already quite pitiful involvement. You absolutely should not be seen as free child care, but you DH does need to readdress some things now he has 3 children to consider.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 09:51

I also second the fact that this needs to be ironed out now - ie you are not going to be the childminder every holiday whilst he works.

As tired as you are, it is worth setting the boundaries around what he can expect going forward (ie not leaning on you)

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 09:52

He decided to have three children, how did he think he was going to manage? What was the plan?

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 09:53

Let me give some back ground
Kids where off pretty much Jan- March my husband home schooled 50:50 as he was working from home.

Then he was back on the road and had scheduled in his paternity.

So it's usually EOW and holidays 50:50 except the summer. But while I had a high risk very difficult pregnancy ugly evil texts from the ex about me and foul behaviour we had the kids 50:50 from Christmas practically to March.
He isn't shit but all normality has changed.

So now it's back to EOW until he can take a week off I guess ??? Why am I even typing this

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 09:53

Ex is a stay at home mum and refuses to work in any capacity

OP posts:
Cocothecat42 · 29/03/2021 09:54

Contact time is primarily for the father and kids so if he isn't there then he's not having that contact is he? It's unfair to expect a new mother to babysit his kids unless she's happy to do so which she clearly isn't. It's not about excluding the kids it's about what she can manage.

My ex has had kids with his new wife and I've always been accommodating with contact (or lack of) while they adjust for the first few weeks/months, it's the right thing to do. The ex in this situation sounds spiteful and bitter.

If it's a childcare issue then the husband should sort out an alternative not rely on his frazzled wife to pick up the slack for his kids.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:54

You shouldn't even be having to think about it let alone typing it. Not your problem how your husband arranges his time.

DarkMatterA2Z · 29/03/2021 09:54

This is your husband's responsibility. If he would normally share holiday childcare with his ex, he needs to do what any normal person does if they need childcare and don't have any other options... pay for it. Simple as that. Not your problem and not the ex's problem either.

Howshouldibehave · 29/03/2021 09:55

So it's usually EOW and holidays 50:50

If that’s the usual plan, he’s been crap to just not do this for Easter! Poor kids.

isadorapolly · 29/03/2021 09:56

Say no.

Your step kids need to visit when they can see their dad and when he’s available to look after them.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 09:56

You are typing this because the reality of three kids is probably sinking in, and I don't blame you for feeling worried about how he is going to manage his commitments. But manage them he must.

You sound tired, and the first weeks are really exhausting. It won't always be like this op. In a few months it will ease and things will get much better for you as you find your feet.

Holiday club and both weekend might fix it in the short term, and then when you are feeling less tired he needs to look at the summer holidays - and make a plan with ex.

Get as much rest as you can.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:56

@Mrscatbells

Ex is a stay at home mum and refuses to work in any capacity
In that case I doubly wouldn't worry or think about it.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/03/2021 09:56

@Beamur

Your DH has screwed up frankly. He's prioritised you and the baby at the expense of his other children. If I was the ex I'd be really pissed off with the pair of you too.
I don't get this?

He prioritised the birth of his child, as any other parent does if they can. He didn't abandon them!

If all the adults around his kids chose to actually adut rather than score points none of his kids would have felt a thing! An ex being pissed off over the birth of a baby needs to take a long hard look in a mirror!

Christmasfairy2020 · 29/03/2021 09:56

Tbh they are nice ages. Baby sleeps and you play with the other children. Dont be that step parent that thinks we have our own children now etc

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:58

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh they are nice ages. Baby sleeps and you play with the other children. Dont be that step parent that thinks we have our own children now etc
Wish someone would have told my newborn to just sleep all day so I could happily play with the older children. He missed that memo, damn it.