New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

@ineedaholidaynow

So for those of you who don’t discuss contact times with your partner, what happens if you want to arrange some trips etc over the holidays (possibly not at the moment!). Don’t you both sit down and work out whether the step kids will be there and therefore need to be included or not.

If we were planning a holiday then my husband would go and speak to his ex and ask if we can have DSCs during that time.

That's not the same as reminding my husband that he needs to keep X amount of annual leave for school holidays. He's a big boy. If he ended up with no AL left after taking it earlier in the year then I'd expect him to sort something out himself, holiday club, family, unpaid leave, whatever.

What I wouldn't expect is for anyone to ask ME why I didn't remind him he needed to save his annual leave.

Sorry cross post. We just look at the calendar at when they are with us and go ok let's go away on this date. I wouldn't get into the ins and outs of when he takes his leave.

Your DH needs to pay half for the extra childcare during the holidays.

Glad you have sorted for EOW ATM.Try to rest and recuperate .You are no way a bad person ,just a normal human being FFS! You will feel tired and emotional right now. As the time goes by you will be able to get out more and a 3 month old will be easier than a 3 wk old for sure.

duggy I am assuming op was happy for him to use up all of his holiday on their paternity and did not consider the children either.

You can see that this unit is going to struggle. There is no sense whatsoever of togetherness, team spirit or anything approaching a real and connected family. The step kids are by op's own admission not wanted, she doesn't even want to see them. Her dp is useless and seems incapable of even working out how much time is needed for school holidays versus what he has already booked up. His ex is rightfully pissed off, as this is really bad for her kids that are already unsettled by a new baby.

Quite frankly this is only going to get worse.

Op wants her, dp and baby to be a bubble on their own, but she will never be able to do that, as he has commitments to his other children.

No love is lost here, and I expect it only to escalate and become even more fraught, because everyone will lose out in the end. The new baby included.

It will not end well. Too many selfish people intent on having things their way.

Tbf they work on a very flexible contact arrangement for things like holidays though, there isn't really any set 'you have them the first half, I have them the second half'. It can change yearly dependant on things like holidays etc... But still, my husband discusses it with his ex not me and it absolutely is his responsibility to remember, not mine.

I absolutely don’t think the ex should be harassing the OP, but I do think the OP should recognise that her DH has made a mistake by not thinking about the school holidays (and as I have said I am surprised they hadn’t discussed this before) and understand that the ex is annoyed with him.

@Itsalonghaul Oh please. OP is not selfish, she is a post partum mum who is perfectly reasonably focusing on herself, rather than policing whether her husband has left himself with enough AL to look after his kids 🙄

It's not her job to think about it at all.

You’re not at fault at all but your partner is. He should’ve considered his children when booking time off, and if he’s unable to have his children he needs to pay half for childcare

Obviously you’ve just given birth and now you’re exhausted. It’s not your job to parent his children.
However, why did he take a week of annual leave on the back of his paternity? Why didn’t he think that might be needed during the Easter holidays so he could have his older children to stay? I’m not sure that was the right move. He can’t cut back contact with them so he can spend it with you and baby. The ExW is right to insist he shares the holidays. He diverted too much possible leave to you and the baby which he simply can’t do.
You need to think how this is going to work moving forward. If he’s planning to take 2wks off during school summer holidays then they need to be spent with his older children too.

before they took a very indulgent three weeks off together

No. OP is on Maternity leave and partners are allowed 2 weeks leave. So it is only the extra week that is "indulgent" (I'm not going to even argue how it's not a lovely treat to have three weeks with a newborn). DH could have looked into shared parental leave but he didn't. None of this is OPs fault and the ex should leave her out of it.

OP is very vulnerable right now and the ex should know this having had children herself.

@Itsalonghaul

duggy I am assuming op was happy for him to use up all of his holiday on their paternity and did not consider the children either.

You can see that this unit is going to struggle. There is no sense whatsoever of togetherness, team spirit or anything approaching a real and connected family. The step kids are by op's own admission not wanted, she doesn't even want to see them. Her dp is useless and seems incapable of even working out how much time is needed for school holidays versus what he has already booked up. His ex is rightfully pissed off, as this is really bad for her kids that are already unsettled by a new baby.

Quite frankly this is only going to get worse.

Op wants her, dp and baby to be a bubble on their own, but she will never be able to do that, as he has commitments to his other children.

No love is lost here, and I expect it only to escalate and become even more fraught, because everyone will lose out in the end. The new baby included.

It will not end well. Too many selfish people intent on having things their way.

As I've already said, if my husband came and said he'd booked 3 weeks off, why would it be my responsibility to remind him that he may need it elsewhere? I'm not his mother. I would assume that he had already thought about what he would be doing when the time came that he needed to share things like school holidays. It's not up to OP to ration his annual leave for him to make sure he has enough.

And whilst I agree that the OPs post sounds like she doesn't want the children around right now, I'm also mindful that she had a baby 3 weeks ago and how much that can really fuck your emotions, not to mention the lack of sleep rage! There were times I honestly felt like I hated my husband when I hadn't slept for what felt like days. I also remember times where I'd burst into tears for absolutely no reason not long after giving birth. It's a weird time.

I'm not saying I think the way OP is feeling right now is great and no problem at all, what I'm doing is cutting her some slack at what is a really emotional and often confusing time for a new mother. It doesn't mean she'll always feel this way, I hope she doesn't and I agree that it wouldn't make for a great relationship if she did but honestly it's been 3 weeks ffs! I wasn't thinking perfectly at 3 weeks, it's nice to know you were absolutely selfless and considerate at all times when yours were newborns though, pat on the back for you.

@ineedaholidaynow

I absolutely don’t think the ex should be harassing the OP, but I do think the OP should recognise that her DH has made a mistake by not thinking about the school holidays (and as I have said I am surprised they hadn’t discussed this before) and understand that the ex is annoyed with him.

She can recognise this and agree it's his responsibility to sort something yes. That's not the same as posters trying to make out she had any sort of responsibility for making sure he saved his leave beforehand. She didn't. Stop excusing men from having to think about these things themselves.

It’s not the OP’s fault but it is her husband’s fault not the fault of his ex wife. Neither the OP nor the EW are to blame for him taking that extra week rather than realising he needed it to cover school holidays. He is solely to blame for that. OP, the older children are every bit as important in your family dynamic as your newborn. It’s understandable that you can’t see that at the moment but that must be your reality moving forward.

@GinaJaffacake

It’s not the OP’s fault but it is her husband’s fault not the fault of his ex wife. Neither the OP nor the EW are to blame for him taking that extra week rather than realising he needed it to cover school holidays. He is solely to blame for that. OP, the older children are every bit as important in your family dynamic as your newborn. It’s understandable that you can’t see that at the moment but that must be your reality moving forward.

I agree with this. It isn't the exes fault either that he didn't think about what he'd do during the holidays. The OPs husband messed up, he needs to fix it. It's not the responsibility of the women in his life to stop him from doing so.

He should’ve considered his children when booking time off, and if he’s unable to have his children he needs to pay half for childcare

If he is not having his children on what would be usually his time, he needs to take some responsibility and source childcare as well as pay for it.

What is the normal contact arrangement? What usually happens when its holiday time?

@GinaJaffacake

You need to think how this is going to work moving forward. If he’s planning to take 2wks off during school summer holidays then they need to be spent with his older children too.

No her husband needs to think how it is going to work going forward.

They are all his children. Only one is her child.

Stop putting it on women to police the father of their children.

Stop abusing vulnerable woman just because she happens to be a step-mother.

It’s possible this will pass. First baby, high emotions and you want precious me and baby time. Be careful you don’t alienate the step kids. They are siblings. You need to come to terms with that.

When my dd was a few weeks old, my husband's stepdaughter - not daughter, so not my stepdaughter in any sense, needed somewhere to live to my stupid dh said oh have our spare room. I mean she was an adult but it was still someone else to cook for etc and she wasn't working so would have been about all day long. Her mum and dad, although divorced were both local and so l never understood why we were her first option so l told dh if she moves in, l move out to my mum's.
She never moved in. Fuck that. But your dh needs to be telling her this you have got enough going on.

The extra week was due to me having a high risk pregnancy I will not divulge my medical issues I didn't think I'd need to justify why my husband needed to be by my side and spend time with the baby.

Unfortunately it is a clash of dates and the baby comes when the baby wants to come and with the kids being off most of the year anyway I think Easter was missed.

I'm struggling here like really struggling. I have conflicting emotions about everything to do with the ex the step kids and trying to navigate my hormones as well. I can't then manage contact time your right it's my husbands job. But he's having to work to provide . Having all the kids here fulls me with dread. I can't do it and I've made my position clear

I understand. I think it's hormones that sometimes kick in a bit too strongly to protect your baby. I was like this when I had my youngest but the older child was biologically mine too
It will pass.

[quote RedMarauder]@GinaJaffacake

You need to think how this is going to work moving forward. If he’s planning to take 2wks off during school summer holidays then they need to be spent with his older children too.

No her husband needs to think how it is going to work going forward.

They are all his children. Only one is her child.

Stop putting it on women to police the father of their children.

Stop abusing vulnerable woman just because she happens to be a step-mother.[/quote]
Agree. I honestly wouldn't even give it headspace tbh.

I certainly wouldn't be spending my time with my newborn worrying about what my husband was going to do during the school holidays. He fucked up, boohoo, he's a big boy he can sort it himself. Don't be his mother running around trying to sort it or spending your time thinking how things will work moving forward. The time for thinking about (your DH I mean) was before he booked 3 weeks off.

Leave him to it. Let him know the solution to his problem will not be just leaving them with you whilst he goes off to work and then leave him to sort something else. He will do it, or their mum will if he really is too useless to arrange a holiday club or alternate childcare. But again, not your responsibility. Don't fall into the trap of being the backup when your DH can't be arsed to sort out his own DC. You see it all the time on here and no wonder when posters make out like it's up to you to remind your adult DH that he may need AL for the rest of the year.

You just get on with your business and leave them to sort theirs. Under no circumstances should his ex be contacting you about the DSCs holiday arrangements. Just direct her to your husband and block.

And go and stay with your mum if that's what you want. The time for being a bit selfish is definitely 3 weeks postpartum!

I am sorry you are struggling @Mrscatbells but your DH needs to sort something out re childcare if you usually have the step kids over school holidays (and that doesn’t mean you look after them)

[quote RedMarauder]@GinaJaffacake

You need to think how this is going to work moving forward. If he’s planning to take 2wks off during school summer holidays then they need to be spent with his older children too.

No her husband needs to think how it is going to work going forward.

They are all his children. Only one is her child.

Stop putting it on women to police the father of their children.

Stop abusing vulnerable woman just because she happens to be a step-mother.[/quote]
Well said