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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
HerbErtlinger · 29/03/2021 07:31

My DPs ex went a little OTT when our DS was born. He was delivered unexpectedly early and was in the NICU on a ventilator just hours old when DP tried to cancel that one visitation, she went absolutely ballistic and accused him of choosing his new son (hours old, extremely poorly on a ventilator in intensive care) over DSS and he felt so bad that he ended up still having him and having to split his time all weekend between him and the hospital. She's also expects me to have him if DP is working and during the first lockdown, despite being home furloughed with her 20 year old older daughter at home, made me home school DSS 3 days a week while I homeschooled my own daughter and juggled a toddler. We get on OK but I've not really forgiven her for her selfish behaviour

Beamur · 29/03/2021 07:33

Two things here. You're not being unreasonable. With a tiny baby you shouldn't also be minding your SC.
But, if your DH is only doing EOW that's not reasonable either. He does need to step up more and should be doing half the holidays. He should. Not you. The visit time is for the kids to spend with their Dad, not to give Mum a break. They are as much his kids and his responsibility as your new baby is.

SD1978 · 29/03/2021 07:38

How often are they there? And during holidays how long do they usually stay? Is it one week of the holidays?

SD1978 · 29/03/2021 07:40

And also- assuming this isn't the first school holidays, unless you've only been together a very short time, that this situation is come up with the children? Or is it juts that you inject now, and did it on all previous holidays? The kids are there 2 nights out of 14, and some time in school holidays, like they always have been. I think maybe you need to accept you are being a bit unreasonable.

Sundances · 29/03/2021 07:45

pack your bags and stay with your Mum

I def think this is a case for you to be firm. Kids come over when DH is on hols.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 07:48

EOW is not very much especially when the children are still young. What normally happens in holidays?

OverTheRainbow88 · 29/03/2021 07:57

Do you normally split the holidays 50/50? If so; you should stick to that and your husband needs to take annual leave to look after the kids

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/03/2021 07:59

I suspect that this is the first school holiday when OP is at home.
You need to stand your ground very firmly. Just because you are on maternity leave you aren't suddenly available.

Beamur · 29/03/2021 08:05

Yup. Your DP should have the kids for his share of the time, but it shouldn't be you looking after them.
I think you need to think very hard about this kind of arrangement if you haven't already.
I'm a step parent and apart from the odd day never looked after my SC's during school holidays. That was their parents responsibility to out between them. DH has always had his kids 50:50 and worked full time. You juggle leave, child care swaps with neighbours and friends, clubs and grandparents if you can.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:10

Your new baby shouldn't mean a change to the contact arrangement already in place ideally. I've been there and it is so hard, you will be protective and hormones all over the place but it does get easier and I find it nice when they are with us now and play with baby.

You should absolutely not be looking after the SC though and if you need time sat away from the rest of the family with baby make sure you take it.

Cowbells · 29/03/2021 08:13

@Mrscatbells

The ex has been nothing more than horrid to be honest tarnished my experience completely. And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work. My baby isn't sleeping through yet only 3 weeks old. The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby. Im so close to packing my bags and staying with my mum to just get away. But this would break my husbands heart
Well you can and should get support from your mother when your child is this tiny if you need it. New mothers get far less support than they used to. It wouldn't be a bad thing. But it would mean you are not around to care for your step children and it should be your husband who makes extra provision for them, not his ex, whose career will be unfairly disadvantaged over his if she has to take lots of time off work to accommodate the holidays and he doesn't.
TigerBeetle · 29/03/2021 08:13

I agree with most other posters. YANBU to not want to provide childcare for your DSC when you have a three week old newborn. But your DH needs to step up with his DC and look to find ways of increasing EOW during the school holidays. Especially if his ex has been responsible for most of the homeschooling during lockdown.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:19

Dh needs to take the dc out all day every day that they are visiting him, and allow you some space to get to grips with parenting a newborn. It is too much, way too much.

On their weekends, he is responsible for everything taking them out, cooking and cleaning and spending time with them. You need not do a thing. I would refuse to increase the time at this point, stick to the plan of seeing them as normal without the increase, and it is definitely not your job to care for them if dh is not there. You are not free childcare.

I would not answer any calls or texts from his ex, and he can message her with the new plan.Perhaps dh can get his parents, family involved in sharing the extra load over Easter.

I hope he is making a special effort with them too, as it is a big adjustment for his children op.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:20

I would absolutely go to your mother's house when you need to, you need all the support you can get.

2021isalsorubbish · 29/03/2021 08:26

You’ve got a DH problem. He should be taking them more in the holidays - no mum can cover 12 weeks of holiday a year. We’d do a week with my mum and a week with my dad for example. But your DH should have booked time off from work to cover it, not expected you to cover it.
He sounds a bit shit TBH

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 08:27

My husband has just taken 2 weeks paternity and 1 week holiday for the baby and wasn't able to take any more holiday for Easter apart from bank holidays. We usually split some of the holidays where possible with annual leave.

I really feel I need some space he is adamant that he wants me to stay at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscatbells · 29/03/2021 08:30

Also my husband isn't shit please find a company that allows more than 3 weeks off at a time?? That is standard practice.

He only pays for his family using his income and where good jobs are going due to covid I don't see what he was expected to do? Have 5 weeks off in a row like any company would allow this??

OP posts:
Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:30

I agree with 2021 Your dh has not thought this through! He has taking paternity leave, but forgotten that Easter is just around the corner, and he will have to take more time off with his dc. He does sound a bit rubbish! He has had over nine months to think about this.

Let him figure it out. It is not your problem or that if your ex, it is his problem to solve.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:31

**his ex - obviously!

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 08:33

So he has reduced the amount of time with his other children?

Why didn’t he take the extra week off in the school holidays rather than straight after paternity leave?

Is contact time informally arranged or court ordered? If you normally have them over the holidays then surely DH should be stepping up to sort childcare during the day and look after them in the evening.

His kids will feel as if they are being replaced by their sibling if he is reducing contact time.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:34

He should have just taken TWO weeks for the paternity and retained the last week for his own children, as he is committed to care for them during the holidays, he could share the last week with his dc and his new baby. That is what should have happened.

Why should his ex have to pick up the slack because he decided to take three solid weeks off?! Without any consideration for his children.

He is in the wrong here.
Most people don't have a full three weeks off in the first place. DH only had one week with us, as that is all he was allowed. I think YABVU to expect his ex to pick up the slack, no wonder she is angry.

This is bad planning!

Move to your mothers, and he will have to work something out. This is very unfair.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 29/03/2021 08:36

Op ignore the dh comments. That's HIS issue to resolve with exw. You are NOT free childcare, now or ever.
Please stand firm on this, his contact time is his responsibility. The kids are coming to see you but to see their dad and half sibling. If he can't due to work then that is for him and exw to resolve together not for you to accommodate when you have a teeny tiny baby who needs you.
Congrats on baby and get some sleep. Also on contact weekends kick all kids and dp with baby out for a ncie pram walk to park for an hour so you can sleep. Early days are really hard.

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 08:37

At this stage whether he wants you to stay with your mother is largely a non issue! He has messed up, he needs to fix it.

You knew he had children when you got together, you also knew it would be hard having three dc I assume you discussed having a third child, and you also knew he was committed to sharing care at school holidays. YABU

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 08:39

If more time is needed over the holidays, your DH covers it. Under no circumstances allow your maternity leave to be used as free childcare for your DSCs parents.

I wouldn't even worry yourself thinking about it tbh. It's DH and his exes problem not yours.

As for EOW, obviously you can't reduce the time they come to see their Dad but you know that. You can do your own thing though. You mentioned your mum, why don't you spend one of the days with your mum at the weekend?

My DSCs didn't interact all that much when DS was a proper newborn, a few cuddles and a bottle before bed was enough because let's be honest, 3 week old babies don't really do much anyway! The time for them playing together and properly interacting is when baby is a little older. So go to your mum's for a bit when they are there, I was always at my mum's those first couple of months! Let her help you.

The way you're feeling is normal, it's hormonal I imagine and I bet you're not sleeping a great deal to boot. It'll get better. But do not be afraid of asking for help and saying what you will and won't accept. See your mum, and tell your husband under no circumstances are you looking after DSC alone during the holidays. He does it or they stay with their Mum.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 08:41

you also knew he was committed to sharing care at school holidays

Yes so he should share the care. Not OP. She's already said it would mean her looking after them. That's not on. DH does it or their mother does, it's not OPs concern.