New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

@Mrscatbells

The ex has been nothing more than horrid to be honest tarnished my experience completely. And yes would be me looking after the kids while husband is at work. My baby isn't sleeping through yet only 3 weeks old. The ex has told us we have to , as older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby. Im so close to packing my bags and staying with my mum to just get away. But this would break my husbands heart

Easy for him to say as he's not doing the parenting.

Tell him, while you adjust to motherhood, if he wants more contact time then he will have to take time off work and if he insists then you'll go and stay with your mother while you get used to it.

It's not forever.

If your dh has agreed/has in place an agreement to take HIS children over the easter break he should do that. It is not fair on his ex to expect her to change her plans or on his children to not see their dad and new sibling over the easter holiday.

If he has to work then he needs to arrange childcare for when he is working. He can't just say to his ex he isnt taking his children.

@Mrscatbells

Also my husband isn't shit please find a company that allows more than 3 weeks off at a time?? That is standard practice.

He only pays for his family using his income and where good jobs are going due to covid I don't see what he was expected to do? Have 5 weeks off in a row like any company would allow this??

Maybe he could have had his 2 weeks paternity and saved the holiday week for when the SC were on holiday.

Using common sense I don't think this should be a big deal at all. She is a stay at home mum, he has just had a baby and can't get any more leave. Contact has already been totally different this year to normal, with him having them more... the solution is obvious. Don't give it any headspace.

@Mrscatbells

Ex is a stay at home mum and refuses to work in any capacity

That's her business.

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh they are nice ages. Baby sleeps and you play with the other children. Dont be that step parent that thinks we have our own children now etc

6 and 9 are nice ages?? Fuck me, that's news to me!

This has got to be the most simplistic description of parenting I have ever heard.

Regardless of how much he's already had then this year, if he normally has them 50;50 in the holidays then that's what should be happening. And their mum being a sahm has nothing to do with how much he sees his DC, they're still joint parents! He's messed up.

I can understand how you feel. The first few months of my second childs life was hell as I was so tired and my firstborn got the brunt of that, bless her. It was hard.
However, you still need to have his kids more. But I think it should be times your dh is around, letting you just concentrate on the baby. So compromise on every weekend and some evenings, if he really can't have time off.

It's really not for you to worry about. Let your DH sort out his ex. If she has your number and is messaging you, tell her she needs to contact dh and should only use your number in an emergency, and that if she keeps messaging you will block her.

Tell DH, no to any extra for the next few months. You are exhausted, and need the house to yourself. You don't need to be getting dressed and entertaining his kids when you've had no sleep etc. But that should change in time for the summer holidays.

He can off course take them for an afternoon to go for a walk, or something. Bit difficult with lockdown but there's no reason he cant see them for a bit more contact. Just not bringing them home.

It is hard and you are right in the thick of it right now. I have been where you are and what I would say is the way you are with your step.kids now will.lay the foundation for your future relationship. If they feel pushed out, ignored and de-prioritised - apart from being unfair on them it threaten your relationship with them later. Difficult though it is - I would.encourage them to get as involved with their sibling as much as possible and praise them for it. Make them feel wanted and that they have a really special.job as big sister/brother. Get their dad to spend time with them on their own - and let you have time with your baby. It will feel like you are compromising and unnatural but believe me when they grow and have a close relationship with each other- it is awesome.

Congratulations on your baby - it gets better!!

OP you need to step away from the ex situation.

She’s obviously got her own agenda but it is not your cross to bare.

Your OP agrees that the kids can’t be there when he is not home, that is all that matters.

If the contact order is in place and it is EOW then that is what should happen. If he and his ex come to some additional arrangements then good for them and good for the kids but it should NOT fall to you to do the childcare, especially when you are not even a month post partum.

If the ex wants different contact then she will need to seek a change to the contact order via the official channels.

It sounds like your DH is saying and doing the right things. Please just let him deal with it, the emotional impact of a new born is already life changing, don’t take on the emotional strain of trying to sort your partner and his kids out too.

And don’t let anyone on this board tell you it is your responsibility to look after someone else’s kids, whilst many step parents do this off their own back and enjoy it, many do not want to. Me included. Throw in a newborn to the picture and I felt exactly the same as you. Overwhelmed and resentful. It’s not the kids - it’s the interference and insistence of the ex.

In my case it was the insistence that the SC had to be brought to the hospital when my newborn was in NICU and incredibly poorly. I wouldn’t have brought my own children but because the ex wouldn’t stop calling and messaging they had to be brought over.
Still haven’t forgiven it to be honest.

Poor children. Sorry but this makes me really cross. My children are made to feel pushed out by their step mum just like this! They are just as important as new baby and shouldn't be made to feel like outsiders :(

@Beamur

Your DH has screwed up frankly. He's prioritised you and the baby at the expense of his other children. If I was the ex I'd be really pissed off with the pair of you too.

This. Nobody thought about what was going to happen over the Easter holidays?

If the arrangement is 50:50 for holidays, your DH should have kept his holiday week for Easter. From his older DCs' pov, he's already acting as though he's forgotten about them because there's a new baby. Forget about the 'evil' ex - think about the DCs. He had two weeks paternity leave with you and the baby. Then he could have gone back to work and you could have gone to stay with your DM (if she is in your bubble for Covid).
This is your DH's problem to solve but don't give him excuses. Imagine how you would feel if he completely forgot your baby had a school holiday that happens every single year - and he chose to work instead of booking that time to spend with his DC.

older kids are being "unfairly disadvantaged" by our new baby

Well, the ex isn’t wrong here-the older kids are being disadvantaged.

They normally spend half the holidays with their dad but can’t as he took a week holiday during term time knowing it would mean he couldn’t have them. If I was him, I’d have had a week off at Easter already booked (as that’s what the plan always has been) and seen if your mum could have helped with you that week-you could have gone for a few days maybe?

He isn’t being a very thoughtful dad to the older children. If he were to go on and have more children with someone else and did this to your child, you would probably feel protective of your own child and how they were being treated, as well.

HE only has them 2 days out of every 14, already, and now they are being further ditched as he has a new baby.

Why do women have kids with men who have already proven themselves to be shit dads? I really don't get it.

Op this is not about whether his ex works or not, or could be more accommodating or whatever. This is about his children's right to see their father, especially at a time when they will be feeling very worried and unsettled. The very last thing he should be doing is giving them the impression they no longer matter to him!

It is not about childcare.

It is about emotional support, it is about showing up and being there, being reliable and available as he should be every other holiday.

When the fog of having a new baby lifts, you will see how important this time is for them as well.

His Ex should not be sending you text messages. Nip that in the bud now. Unless it is an absolute emergancy and OH and Ex can't be in contact for whatever reason eg. OH is in an accident, a child has had an accident and they can only get hold of you. You and your child are nothing to do with her.

@RedMarauder, did you miss the bit where I said it wasn’t the responsibility of either the OP or the ExW to ensure the husband could adequately look after his own children?
I said the OP needs to think about how things are going to be moving forward because she does. Not to facilitate his contact arrangements but to consider how they will affect her, especially now when her life has changed so inexplicably since giving birth.
You misunderstand if you think I’m in any way suggesting the OP needs to be the one sorting this out. But she does need to take time to consider how things have changed for her but not necessarily for her SC or their mother.
Normally, with your first, you know that that baby can expect the undivided attention of both you and your partner. And a good job too as you’re utterly shattered and you need to be taken care of as well as baby. That’s not the case here. I remember how difficult it was second time around with a very active toddler as well as a newborn. DH’s time, instead of being on me and baby was very much taken up by our older one and ensuring he didn’t feel put out by baby’s arrival. It was hard.

@Misty9

I remember my almost 3 year old seeming enormous when his sister was born - and feeling an almost primal instinct to protect dd from this giant - and they're both mine! So, yanbu to feel protective, and def yanbu to not want to look after your step kids with a newborn! Your partner should be taking leave if necessary. Congrats on your baby

Yes! I had this too. My 5 year old boy seemed so big and loud and rough, but only compared to his teeny tiny sister. That feeling passed quite quickly as we re-adjusted. And they were both my biological children so I wouldn't feel the least bad about feeling this way, so long as your actions continue to be basically kind and supportuve

@KurtWilde

Regardless of how much he's already had then this year, if he normally has them 50;50 in the holidays then that's what should be happening. And their mum being a sahm has nothing to do with how much he sees his DC, they're still joint parents! He's messed up.

See I don't understand this. Why regardless of how much he has had them this year? Why is the argument apparently that the contact arrangement must be rigidly stuck to in the holidays, regardless of what medical emergencies happen in his household, yet it doesn't matter at all if the term time arrangement has been stuck to? I think people are either not applying common sense here, or are entirely focused on the opinion that he should be having them more generally.

The above is an obvious contradiction and it is clear that the usual contact arrangement hasn't really occurred this year.

I would by the way I would be very worried if he wasn't even capable of remembering his kids for the Easter holiday! It doesn't bode well for his ability to juggle his commitments, but not on you to fix for him!

Pretty shit just to 'forget' his own kids!!!!

It is just as well we don't all have the luxury of forgetting we have children to care for in school holidays

I would remain entirely independent both financially and in terms of support op, because this is not a switched on man that can be relied on that is for sure. And stick with just one dc too!

@Christmasfairy2020

Tbh they are nice ages. Baby sleeps and you play with the other children. Dont be that step parent that thinks we have our own children now etc

In my case it was Baby sleeps I grab a quick shower or 5 minutes to myself to have a cup of tea. At the age the step children are they are capable of entertaining themselves.