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Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 08:44

@DuggyOnDown she could have suggested his week’s leave should have been used in Easter holiday rather than after paternity leave. Surely they would have discussed what would happen over Easter

SmashedAvocado · 29/03/2021 08:47

Wow no wonder his ex is furious. It’s amazing how some people completely fail to even try to see someone else’s (the ex wife’s) perspective. How would you feel if you split with your DH and he ditched your baby for a new baby he had with someone else OP?

Obviously you shouldn’t be expected to look after his DC but your DH sounds like a shit Dad to his first DC tbh.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 08:48

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@DuggyOnDown she could have suggested his week’s leave should have been used in Easter holiday rather than after paternity leave. Surely they would have discussed what would happen over Easter[/quote]
Why does OP need to remind a perfectly capable adult man about Easter holidays? He is their parent, he can think of holidays himself, it's not up to OP to remind him. No wonder there are so many man children around who can't possibly do anything without good old wife or mummy reminding him how.

I agree he should have thought about it and he should figure something out but he should do that HIMSELF, it's in no way OPs responsibility to think about it or sort it for him.

moochingtothepub · 29/03/2021 08:50

He's their dad, they are just as important to him as his new baby and you need to accept that. 3 weeks old is tough, sleep deprivation etc is at max. Being school holidays it's reasonable for them to spend half with each parent, if your dp is at work he can arrange a holiday club if you can't cope

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 08:52

But surely as a couple you would talk about what is happening with the children over the holidays, especially as lockdown is beginning to ease part way through them (if in England), you actually might be able to do something with them.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:52

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@DuggyOnDown she could have suggested his week’s leave should have been used in Easter holiday rather than after paternity leave. Surely they would have discussed what would happen over Easter[/quote]
Why should OP be suggesting this? It's up to DH to plan his leave not rely on OP to do all the brain work.

I think going to your mum's for a day or so might be a good idea OP if you'll feel relaxed there. It would help you have a bit of time with baby and also SC can have one to one time with dad.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:53

@ineedaholidaynow

But surely as a couple you would talk about what is happening with the children over the holidays, especially as lockdown is beginning to ease part way through them (if in England), you actually might be able to do something with them.
My OH arranges contact with his Ex Wife I don't get involved.
Beamur · 29/03/2021 08:54

Your DH has screwed up frankly.
He's prioritised you and the baby at the expense of his other children. If I was the ex I'd be really pissed off with the pair of you too.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:54

@moochingtothepub

He's their dad, they are just as important to him as his new baby and you need to accept that. 3 weeks old is tough, sleep deprivation etc is at max. Being school holidays it's reasonable for them to spend half with each parent, if your dp is at work he can arrange a holiday club if you can't cope
Even if OP can cope he should be arranging a holiday club if he can't look after them. She isn't free childcare.
Fraggle40 · 29/03/2021 08:54

I just dont agree with these posts. Poor bloody unwanted kids.. maybe they are keen to visit and see the baby. So quick to jump on the ex its unfair. You took on stepkids, keep them close and bring them inside. They are your family. Its their home too

2021isalsorubbish · 29/03/2021 08:55

Sounds like he's pitching the two women in his life against each other. He can't take 3 weeks off for a new baby and then say oh I can't have my existing children as I've just taken 3 weeks off!
Or he uses holiday club, family etc - it's not hard. But he'd rather make his ex look unreasonable because she won't have his kids constantly. If it's EOW they are only spending 52 days a year with him anyway which is pretty poor.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:55

@Beamur

Your DH has screwed up frankly. He's prioritised you and the baby at the expense of his other children. If I was the ex I'd be really pissed off with the pair of you too.
She would be wrong to be pissed off with OP. She isn't the one who has to ensure OH has the requited time off.
SpilltheTea · 29/03/2021 08:56

It's shit of him not to have taken a week off for the holidays. Why did he need to do it after paternity leave? It's not surprising the ex is pissed.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 08:57

@ineedaholidaynow

But surely as a couple you would talk about what is happening with the children over the holidays, especially as lockdown is beginning to ease part way through them (if in England), you actually might be able to do something with them.
Why? I've been married to my husband some time now and I have never involved myself in the arrangements he and his ex make in regards to school holidays. If my husband said he was taking 3 weeks paternity, I would assume, being a fully grown adult with a fully functioning brain, he'd considered the fact he'd have no annual leave left and would be making other arrangements if/when required, in fact it wouldn't even enter my mind to think about it because it's up to him to deal with and consider. I wouldn't say 'Oh but what are you going to do in the summer hols?'

I can count on on hand the amount of times in years past where I have been asked to help when they've been really stuck in school holidays and I have done it (not with a newborn though) but I certainly wouldn't spend my time considering what we were going to do and how and working out the logistics, my husband and his ex do that between them, if there have been the odd days where they've been stuck, I've been asked if it's possible and they'd have been fine if I'd said sorry I can't too.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 08:57

@Fraggle40 I think most people have blamed OH for this problem not the ex.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 08:58

@PandaFluff I just can’t imagine not asking my partner what will be happening with his children over the holidays, especially if you have a new baby in the mix.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 29/03/2021 08:59

Right I'm going to sky write this as it makes me livid.
Not the ops circus, not her monkeys. How dare anyone imply the exw has any rights to be cross with the op for not minding her children for her. Op has no responsibility toward them at ALL. The entitlement is staggering.
Cross with ex for not thinking it through yes but certainly not with the op! It isn't her responsibility or issue.
Normal contact arrangements continue as normal with dp providing care not the op who has just had a baby and has enough on.

stickygotstuck · 29/03/2021 09:01

OP, you're at a crossroads. Start as you mean to go on. Go to your mum's. Get the support you need now.

Your H will need to step up to look after his kids, and/or come to an arrangement with his ex (who will be understandably pissed off at his hands off approach). His responsibility, not yours. Remove yourself from the situation. You can meet up for a walk once ir twice over the holidays if you like. No 'heartbreak' needed.

I do agree that his lack of planning is woeful. This can easily turn into one of those sadly common situations where the father starts ignoring his children in favour of his new family. Have no part in it. This has come exactly at the right time for him to realise he must step up. No choice.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:02

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@PandaFluff I just can’t imagine not asking my partner what will be happening with his children over the holidays, especially if you have a new baby in the mix.[/quote]
Why would it be any different with a new baby in the mix?

My husband and his ex have always discussed holiday arrangements themselves, they have always worked out the logistics of where the children will be and when themselves, why would the arrival of our DC make any difference to the fact that my DSCs parents are responsible for arranging their care over the school holidays?

Itsalonghaul · 29/03/2021 09:03

Normal contact arrangements continue as normal with dp providing care not the op

If you had read the update, dh has already taken three weeks off and can not take any more time off apparently. Normal contact would mean sharing the care during the Easter holidays! So clearly he has really messed up, and it is his problem to solve.

He is now expecting op to look after a 3 week old baby AND his two children, so I am not sure that is fair.

But one might have considered this before the baby was actually born, and before they took a very indulgent three weeks off together! It is not fair on his ex - as why should she have to deal with his stupidity and bad planning.

He needs to come up with the solution. Everyone else needs to stand back and let him sort it out.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/03/2021 09:03

So for those of you who don’t discuss contact times with your partner, what happens if you want to arrange some trips etc over the holidays (possibly not at the moment!). Don’t you both sit down and work out whether the step kids will be there and therefore need to be included or not.

PandaFluff · 29/03/2021 09:03

@ineedaholidaynow my OH just lets me know when they'll be here. They live here so it's not like asking if it's convenient for visitors.

RedMarauder · 29/03/2021 09:04

@SmashedAvocado @moochingtothepub @ineedaholidaynow and others it is nothing to do with the OP, it is for her husband and his ex to sort out. The OP's husband then needs to discuss with the OP how he plans to balance the needs of his children and his current partner who is vulnerable.

You are forgetting that even though the OP is an adult she is a new mother and she is considered vulnerable both in law and by the health services because of it.

OP you need to block your husband's ex from contacting you.

Also tell your husband to make it clear to his other children's mother that she is not to contact you in any shape or form for any reason whatsoever.

All matters that concern their children that she wants to discuss should be discussed with him and no other adult in his household. Preferably get him to put it in an email so there is a record of this in case either of you need to take matters further.

If she then contacts you again in anyway warn her that she is harassing you and if she continues you will take further action.

And yes go to your mum's if it makes it easier for you to cope with having a newborn.

DuggyOnDown · 29/03/2021 09:04

before they took a very indulgent three weeks off together

Before HE took 3 weeks off.

lunar1 · 29/03/2021 09:05

It isn't your fault or problem to solve at all. Go to your mums for a bit if that is what you need to get through this bit of time.

Your husband is being an absolute shit though, he's dropped any responsibilities for his existing children, why should he unilaterally decide he can't allocate them any of his leave time, the annual leave week should have been used to look after them over Easter. And how dare he emotionally blackmail you from spending time with your mum if you need support right now.