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Step-parenting

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

676 replies

Mrscatbells · 28/03/2021 22:16

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

OP posts:
User5747384 · 30/03/2021 15:59

That's good that he's being proactive OP, abusing you is not ok Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/03/2021 16:28

Not sure if it's been mentioned already but this story as just come up on my Google news feed, reported by The Mirror.

Beamur · 30/03/2021 16:36

OP report your post and ask MNHQ to take it down if it's being reported in the press.
Sorry - this is probably the last thing you need.
Congratulations on your little one btw.

Alsohuman · 30/03/2021 16:56

@Beamur

OP report your post and ask MNHQ to take it down if it's being reported in the press. Sorry - this is probably the last thing you need. Congratulations on your little one btw.
Looks like it’s too late.
aSofaNearYou · 30/03/2021 17:15

[quote Babyboomtastic]@TrustTheGeneGenie

I had both of my children by section.

I went out every day (bar one) in the first 2 weeks after I got home from hospital for my first (similar I think for my second). I went shopping, for walks, to cafes, day trips to see friends. At 3w I held a garden party for 30 people to come and meet the new baby.

For my second, I was climbing around soft play within 10 days.

So yes, I've got some idea how long it takes to recover after a section. And yes everyone varies. I personally was back to normal within a week bar a slight bruised feeling. I appreciate not everyone is the same but if you can't manage a short trip out sheet 3 weeks, then that's not typical recovery from any of my other friends who have had sections, or various groups I'm on FB for sections.

Have you had sections btw or are you speculating on how hard you assume it must be?[/quote]
I had a section. Yes I still needed support three weeks later, in fact I was still in and out of hospital because the bloody thing had split back open. What a patronising comment.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 31/03/2021 18:32

Hi folks

We've been in touch with the OP and they've asked us to reinstate this thread now, so we're putting it back up.

harryclr · 31/03/2021 21:20

@Beamur

OP report your post and ask MNHQ to take it down if it's being reported in the press. Sorry - this is probably the last thing you need. Congratulations on your little one btw.
What do you mean the post was in The Mirror?
Original poster
Mrscatbells · 31/03/2021 21:34

I don't think it was in the mirror @harryclr

OP posts:
harryclr · 31/03/2021 21:42

@TheFormidableMrsC

Not sure if it's been mentioned already but this story as just come up on my Google news feed, reported by The Mirror.
Sorry, i meant to respond to this post
OppsUpsSide · 31/03/2021 21:48

Sorry OP I don’t think YABU really, well at least I know I felt differently about things post partum and yes you do get over it.
But I do think your DH has been a bit shit here, if he has the children EOW and 50% of the holidays he should have factored this in, had 2 weeks, gone back for a week and then had a week over Easter to be there for you and all his DC.

KurtWilde · 31/03/2021 22:03

I wondered if the Daily Mail has picked it up but I see a PP said it's in The Mirror. Sorry, OP, not what you wanted from this

EvilOnion · 31/03/2021 22:04

It was @Mrscatbells, I read through and it didn't paint you in a good light at all. Bloody shitty journalists 🤬

KurtWilde · 31/03/2021 22:09

I didn't see it tbh but no I'm sure it didn't. Do these rags have nothing better to report??

EvilOnion · 31/03/2021 22:18

I don't normally read it (or any news nowadays for that matter 🤣) but had to when another poster mentioned.

I know journos have been stealing threads for a while but honestly it looks like that site is full of it!

KurtWilde · 31/03/2021 22:23

It's piqued my curiosity now, I'll have to search it up. I notice the thread about having an exceptionally beautiful child made the Daily Mail.

KurtWilde · 31/03/2021 22:24

Or was it the Sun.. I forget.

EvilOnion · 31/03/2021 22:26

Sorry. It's in the Daily Record here

Is there no way to challenge these "stories"? Surely it's the lowest of the low to traipse these out nationally, yes it's an anonymous forum but some details can be traced back!

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 31/03/2021 22:32

As you are struggling then I would recommend that you go to your Mums for the weekend that the DSSs are due for contact. Tough if your DH doesn't like it. It's just a weekend. He needs to spend the contact weekend with his other DC and make sure they feel wanted and given attention, if necessary come back for an hour or two before they leave so they can have cuddles with the baby.
Let your mum look after you and help with the baby.

Do this for the next few contact weekends until you feel better and more able to cope with more than the baby. Stuff the Easter holidays, the ex can suck it up this once. You are allowed a get out of jail card when you've just given birth and whether she likes it or not, take it.

I've been the step parent having just had a baby and in my case the ex was a pain in the ass then too. Though in my case I actually had DSS live with us full time anyway and he just went to her EOW. I would imagine she's kicking off because she's a bit jealous. Take a deep breath then call your mum and arrange it, I bet she'll bite your hand off to see the baby and help out.

Coffeepot72 · 02/04/2021 21:52

Is it really the end of the world if the OP and new baby have priority for a few weeks?

In a together family, siblings often get despatched to grandma/sister/auntie if a new baby arrives, someone is in hospital etc etc but in a step family situation there’s the assumption the step children retain centre stage no matter what else is going on. It’s not healthy.

OppsUpsSide · 02/04/2021 23:08

In a together family, siblings often get despatched to grandma/sister/auntie if a new baby arrives, someone is in hospital etc etc but in a step family situation there’s the assumption the step children retain centre stage no matter what else is going on. It’s not healthy.

Not for weeks though due to a new baby? And in those circs you don’t just opt out of being a parent to those DC by throwing you let hands up and saying ‘Sorry, no AL left!” You make other arrangements if necessary. The father of these children should do this, it’s not OP’d responsibility but it is his.

Missingthebridegene · 02/04/2021 23:24

I can totally relate OP but I promise it will get easier. When my baby was born my step children were 4 and 6 and I remember when she was born suddenly feeling a sense of grief that my life hadn't/hasn't turned out how I expected. There were days where I was just thinking it'd be easier to be a single parent! But, as the step kids have got older, and their relationship with my daughter has continued to develop into just the most loving caring and fun, mutually besotted relationship it now all feels fine! I deffo think you need to be boundaried with contact arrangements though. If childcare is needed to cover school hols then fair enough but your partner should take annual leave to cover it x

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/04/2021 22:59

Some of these replies are shocking. Those poor kids.

It is absolutely not down to the ex to step in. She does virtually all parenting. The dp has to sort it, whether that be unpaid leave or appropriate childcare. But the op whilst currently vulnerable does have some accountability too. If you choose to have children with a father it goes with the territory - you cant just benefit from his extra time off and then claim it's not your problem or plead ignorance in the matter. That's completely disingenuous.

For the life of me I don't understand why anyone would want children from a man who isnt committed to his existing children. The OP is likely to find herself in the ex circumstances in a few years time. Past history is a good indicator of future actions

Original poster
Mrscatbells · 06/04/2021 09:58

@Willyoujustbequiet you should read the testimonials on second time around dads and see thats not always the case.

Ex downstairs want 50:50 as.will impact her financially she has told us she cannot afford it basically. Hence why when we did 3 months of 50:50 payments stayed the same.

Take it up with HER not me ... she is the one who put money over allowing 50:50. This was decided years ago and my husband has to work full time to provide for his family and be a high earner. That means sacrifices on his time. High earners don't work 9-5 anymore thats the realities of the real world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscatbells · 06/04/2021 10:02

You also can't just take off whatever holiday you please he is a director. Easter is very busy and he has to work around his job at times ans juggle family.

I'm very glad I chose my husband who can see that I needed some TLC and put our marriage our partnership first on this rare occasion. Kids thrive in a family that is together and with two adults who also prioritise their relationship when necessary. I am feeling alot better now. My baby is doing so well and I'm actually looking forward to seeing the step kids soon. Now the ex has no contact we can get on with our lives

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 06/04/2021 10:33

@Mrscatbells

You also can't just take off whatever holiday you please he is a director. Easter is very busy and he has to work around his job at times ans juggle family.

I'm very glad I chose my husband who can see that I needed some TLC and put our marriage our partnership first on this rare occasion. Kids thrive in a family that is together and with two adults who also prioritise their relationship when necessary. I am feeling alot better now. My baby is doing so well and I'm actually looking forward to seeing the step kids soon. Now the ex has no contact we can get on with our lives

So glad it was resolved ☺️