New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

Must be nice being so perfect

I’m far from perfect. I’m just very fortunate to share my life with responsible mature adults.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@TrustTheGeneGenie

I'm sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth.

I think people have an impression of sections as being worse to recover from than they are. Albiet emergency ones (which this one sounds like) take longer because you are knackered from labour.

I was lucky I admit. I found recovery a lot easier than most of my friends with natural births, and I certainly didn't martyr myself - I choose to host, and I had a really good time. I was in a wheelchair before birth for a little while, so I was enjoying my newfound freedom.

I do think though if someone isn't well enough to be vaguely out and about after 3 weeks, a call to the midwife or drs would probably be in order to check there's nothing amis. I don't mean if you can't run or do star jumps or something, but if you literally are housebound as that isn't within the realms of normal recovery as far as I'm aware.

The OP needing to go to her mums I took as more wanting space from the kids, not because she wasn't active. She doesn't mention how she's feeling physically, only that she's struggling to be round the older children.

Anyway, I'd the children were over, there's no reason their dad couldn't take them to the park, and the OP stay at home and rest.[/quote]
Wow and now you're being horrible patronising too.

You do not need to visit a medical professional if you don't fancy leaving the house 3 weeks post c section. Christ in some cultures you'd not be out of bed.

Stop making this a thing. It's not a thing. Everyone's different. Not everyone is as active post birth as you were. That's okay.

Yes dad could take them to the park but what I'm saying is they're not going to be the focus, it's not going to be fun days out because realistically wife and baby need help and attention.

@User5747384

I mentioned it in response to the ridiculous comments about no one wants to do anything 3 weeks after having a baby, especially by section... That's all. I wouldn't have mentioned it otherwise. I don't see there's any reason to be housebound with a 3w old, and the OP hasn't said this either.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

It wasn't an explanation it was what your daughter did with her presumably full sibling she lives with. That's not an explanation.

It was specifically a response to the point you made that there is no benefit to older siblings in spending time with their newborn baby sibling.

I was using my experience as an example I've seen at first-hand (I have of course also seen similar in other families I know) where the older siblings very clearly do enjoy being with their baby brother/sister and it can be very beneficial for them to do so.

Just because the newborn is mostly asleep and won't remember it consciously doesn't mean it's not important bonding time

Just because these kids are half-siblings doesn't mean that the idea of them building a relationship should be dismissed.

@Alsohuman

Must be nice being so perfect

I’m far from perfect. I’m just very fortunate to share my life with responsible mature adults.

I'm glad you can. Unfortunately some of us are not so lucky.

I still wouldn't make a judgement on someone based on one incident because I don't think that's fair.

If like a pp said this was the last in a long line of bad decisions my response would be very very different.

[quote DropDTuning]@TrustTheGeneGenie

It wasn't an explanation it was what your daughter did with her presumably full sibling she lives with. That's not an explanation.

It was specifically a response to the point you made that there is no benefit to older siblings in spending time with their newborn baby sibling.

I was using my experience as an example I've seen at first-hand (I have of course also seen similar in other families I know) where the older siblings very clearly do enjoy being with their baby brother/sister and it can be very beneficial for them to do so.

Just because the newborn is mostly asleep and won't remember it consciously doesn't mean it's not important bonding time

Just because these kids are half-siblings doesn't mean that the idea of them building a relationship should be dismissed.[/quote]
Ah yes I said the idea of them building a relationship should be dismissed.

Just making shit up now. Christ.

I can't wait for the thread in July! 'Ex is a total bitch. It was agreed she'd have the kids the 2nd and 4th week. OH took time 3 weeks off so we could also enjoy a week free without his kids. She's now decided to they'll stay the whole 3 weeks. She's got to go and help her pooy mum in Ireland, but I don't believe her mum is poorly. She is just doing it to piss us off. She's manipulative and controlling. We've tried to speak with her to say that we couldn't have them as we'd plan to go away just the 3 of us but she won't take our calls'

I'll remind them that it's just a one off incident and dad should take it on the chin. He is off after all so why can't he look after all his kids another week.

The double standards on this thread is quite astoning!

Ah yes I said the idea of them building a relationship should be dismissed. Just making shit up now. Christ.

No one is 'just making shit up'. You said there was no value and no point in the older children spending time with their newborn sibling because the baby will only be feeding and sleeping. I disagreed and have explained (about four times now) why I believe this is wrong.

@DropDTuning

Ah yes I said the idea of them building a relationship should be dismissed. Just making shit up now. Christ.

No one is 'just making shit up'. You said there was no value and no point in the older children spending time with their newborn sibling because the baby will only be feeding and sleeping. I disagreed and have explained (about four times now) why I believe this is wrong.

No what I said is there's no point in a solid week at three weeks old.

You can believe it's wrong but don't tell me I said something I didn't say.

I felt like this. It turns out I was actually quite poorly and although I cannot stand my Hs ExW she actually realised and supported us. For all the horrible things she has done over the years at that time she acted like a true woman. OP may just be having a blip but please bare in mind posters it could be more and your petty arguments could be being read by a vulnerable new mum.
You could have hosted a party for the bloody Queen, it’s really really irrelevant but it did give me a huge laugh, I’ll add that one to the stand up routine.

@Mrscatbells after being in your position and in the position of a mother with an ex in a new relationship I think everyone is being pretty harsh on your DH.

There comes a time when people need to be prioritised, it could be a certain child over another or a partner/parent/grandparent over a child it makes no difference if the child lives with you or not it is just life.

Your DH has needed to prioritise you and a new baby and it has come at a crappy time with Easter holidays. Annual leave is subject to employers agreement and if he couldn't get the time off without having just had 3 weeks it would be the same situation.
He has had his children 50:50 over lockdown and home schooling and has done his share so why he's being called a bare minimum dad is beyond me. It's one holiday out of the many he has committed to. It's not a big deal.

You should be a priority at this time and seeing as the children have a mum who is capable of looking after her children during the holiday without it being detrimental to her working life - if she is unemployed - should have them.

Please do what is best for you as your DH is trying to, from your updates the Ex is clearly using a very vulnerable time for any woman and any relationship to try and put a lot of stress on both of you. Which is horrible.
At 3 weeks after birth it is completely natural to want space to adjust and bond as a family it doesn't make you a monster or even mean you will not fully involve any DSC in the future.

@dontdisturbmenow

I can't wait for the thread in July! 'Ex is a total bitch. It was agreed she'd have the kids the 2nd and 4th week. OH took time 3 weeks off so we could also enjoy a week free without his kids. She's now decided to they'll stay the whole 3 weeks. She's got to go and help her pooy mum in Ireland, but I don't believe her mum is poorly. She is just doing it to piss us off. She's manipulative and controlling. We've tried to speak with her to say that we couldn't have them as we'd plan to go away just the 3 of us but she won't take our calls'

I'll remind them that it's just a one off incident and dad should take it on the chin. He is off after all so why can't he look after all his kids another week.

The double standards on this thread is quite astoning!

Lol youll be there anyway sticking the boot in telling them they knew what they were getting into and how they shouldnt have kids anyway. Like always.

If the ex was helping her poorly mum I would tell the op that realistically it's not unreasonable because what other option is there.

If that wasn't true then yes mum is unreasonable but what can you do? If it is a one off you grow the fuck up and deal with it. If Irs not you go to court.

You think you know it all but you're so transparent.
Any opportunity to kick someone when they're down. It's sad.

The double standards on this thread is quite astoning!

Yup. And astonishing and astounding too!

@Alsohuman

The double standards on this thread is quite astoning!

Yup. And astonishing and astounding too!

What double standards though?

The point at which she said she expects him not only to give up that week with his kids, but also to then not allow them to stay overnight at the weekend either, even though she is going to her mum's

To be fair to the OP she has done neither of those things.

She has not expected him to give up his week with the kids, it's her partner's responsibility to sort out this with his work, and it shouldn't be the OPs job to facilitate it if he didn't do this.

And as far as we are aware, the OP didn't ask her partner to only do days for the EOW, that was his suggestion.

[quote RogueRebel]@Mrscatbells after being in your position and in the position of a mother with an ex in a new relationship I think everyone is being pretty harsh on your DH.

There comes a time when people need to be prioritised, it could be a certain child over another or a partner/parent/grandparent over a child it makes no difference if the child lives with you or not it is just life.

Your DH has needed to prioritise you and a new baby and it has come at a crappy time with Easter holidays. Annual leave is subject to employers agreement and if he couldn't get the time off without having just had 3 weeks it would be the same situation.
He has had his children 50:50 over lockdown and home schooling and has done his share so why he's being called a bare minimum dad is beyond me. It's one holiday out of the many he has committed to. It's not a big deal.

You should be a priority at this time and seeing as the children have a mum who is capable of looking after her children during the holiday without it being detrimental to her working life - if she is unemployed - should have them.

Please do what is best for you as your DH is trying to, from your updates the Ex is clearly using a very vulnerable time for any woman and any relationship to try and put a lot of stress on both of you. Which is horrible.
At 3 weeks after birth it is completely natural to want space to adjust and bond as a family it doesn't make you a monster or even mean you will not fully involve any DSC in the future.

[/quote]
I don't agree with this. If you have another child within a marriage, it's always the case that you focus on the existing children. I was pretty much left to look after the baby while my H looked after the other children. My mum came and helped me. It's the same when it's a new relationship. The existing children need to be the priority. The exH in this case can't push the other children away.

It sounds a bit crap that he's moaning about having to have them at easter, but avoiding the night times.

Why were you happy with your child coming last after its siblings?
Will this always be the case that your child is less important than its siblings?

because it's not like there isn't a HUGE difference inconveniencing your Ex and his Wife out of petty revenge, and messing up in the confusion of lockdown/newbaby
Haha, it would be the SM who would say it was out of petty revenge because it always is, even when there might be a very good reason for it, as such the reason given by OP

[quote DropDTuning]**@TrusttheGeneGenie* What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn. That is not best for them, is it?*

I suppose that depends on whether or not you think the children would benefit from spending time with their newborn sibling and also being reassured that they aren't being pushed out now it's been born.[/quote]
Quality time spent during the day time will be fine for this as long as both their parents present it in the right way.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@TrustTheGeneGenie

I had both of my children by section.

I went out every day (bar one) in the first 2 weeks after I got home from hospital for my first (similar I think for my second). I went shopping, for walks, to cafes, day trips to see friends. At 3w I held a garden party for 30 people to come and meet the new baby.

For my second, I was climbing around soft play within 10 days.

So yes, I've got some idea how long it takes to recover after a section. And yes everyone varies. I personally was back to normal within a week bar a slight bruised feeling. I appreciate not everyone is the same but if you can't manage a short trip out sheet 3 weeks, then that's not typical recovery from any of my other friends who have had sections, or various groups I'm on FB for sections.

Have you had sections btw or are you speculating on how hard you assume it must be?[/quote]
Lucky you. There is no way I could have gone out after 3 weeks. I managed a slow walk down the road.

@dontdisturbmenow

because it's not like there isn't a HUGE difference inconveniencing your Ex and his Wife out of petty revenge, and messing up in the confusion of lockdown/newbaby Haha, it would be the SM who would say it was out of petty revenge because it always is, even when there might be a very good reason for it, as such the reason given by OP

And you know that how? Crystal ball? I see you've ignored my response to it.

You're basically making things up now to prove your point by making up a thread and declaring you know what the responses would be.

@dontdisturbmenow

I can't wait for the thread in July! 'Ex is a total bitch. It was agreed she'd have the kids the 2nd and 4th week. OH took time 3 weeks off so we could also enjoy a week free without his kids. She's now decided to they'll stay the whole 3 weeks. She's got to go and help her pooy mum in Ireland, but I don't believe her mum is poorly. She is just doing it to piss us off. She's manipulative and controlling. We've tried to speak with her to say that we couldn't have them as we'd plan to go away just the 3 of us but she won't take our calls'

I'll remind them that it's just a one off incident and dad should take it on the chin. He is off after all so why can't he look after all his kids another week.

The double standards on this thread is quite astoning!

If mum's mum is poorly and she can't look after her kids then dad should step in.

My husband has now blocked the ex due to her calls and texts. So communication is through his mum.

My husband is a great dad but she is evil sorry buy she is and very jealous of our marriage and home life.

I'm feeling better now I'm not getting the carp thrown at me and my husband has apologised and putting our family first which is needed for now.

His kids are apart of our unit I just needed a little break and glad that's been acknowledged

Sorry typos galore I'm juggling a newborn and texting