New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

@Alsohuman

Paltry weekend contact - again, who's decision do you think that was?

OP’s told us whose decision it was. It was her bloke who thinks taking the kids for the day and dropping them back overnight for Easter was a good idea. Someone who can’t/won’t look after two of his three kids for four days and three nights, having fucked up the Easter holidays, is a pretty rubbish parent in my book. Perhaps my standards are too high.

No I don't think you get it.

Who do you think decided contact would be EOW? Like who decided that in the first place?

[quote MrsHusky]@ancientgran

"we had the kids 50:50 from Christmas practically to March." from the OPs post of 9.53 monday morning.[/quote]
But in the same post it was 50/50 homeschooling. Given that having them this weekend is possibly going to include the ex having them every night I suspect her idea of 50/50 might be slightly different to the OPs. Ex having the evenings/bedtime/getting them up isn't actually giving her the weekend off or giving the children a whole weekend with their dad but of course he can say he had them for 4 days.

who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day just to homeschool?

Who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day over Easter weekend? Someone who can’t be arsed with 24/7 parenting.

@Alsohuman

who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day just to homeschool?

Who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day over Easter weekend? Someone who can’t be arsed with 24/7 parenting.

Or someone who is trying to find a solution. The kids aren't going to enjoy being kept awake at night by a newborn either. Mum still gets her rest time in the day.

@Alsohuman

who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day just to homeschool?

Who the fuck picks their kids up and drops them off every day over Easter weekend? Someone who can’t be arsed with 24/7 parenting.

And yet mum wanting rid of them is fine lol

I really hope the OP has stopped reading the thread. She comes here for support as she's struggling with her feelings as a new mum, and many peoples response to that is to tell her she's chosen a rubbish dad for her tiny baby. Nice.

@KurtWilde you sound like a brilliant stepmum and you show that it is possible to make it a good relationship.

I suspect that has a lot to do with you having been in that position yourself and having genuine empathy for your stepchildren. It's reassuring to read that on what is often a very very depressing thread/forum.

"And the shit about "don't take on the role unless you're going to parent"

I guess the ex in your situation is nice?

Because if they're not it's not that's simple.

Dps ex wouldn't tolerate me actually parenting dss."

I totally agree my DHs ex was a pain in the arse, always jealous of me being around her child inventing stories about me and my kids.
My SC wasn't allowed to be left with me but she cut down my DHs contact and left the child with her boyfriend on days that my DH should have been having contact.
Not all mothers are easy my DHs certainly hasn't been and it has ruined the child and the relationship between both the kid and my DH.

I will never be that mother if me and DH ever split.
Seeing how my stepchild is now is not how I would want my kids to be. It's totally toxic.

@ancientgran
But in the same post it was 50/50 homeschooling. Given that having them this weekend is possibly going to include the ex having them every night I suspect her idea of 50/50 might be slightly different to the OPs. Ex having the evenings/bedtime/getting them up isn't actually giving her the weekend off or giving the children a whole weekend with their dad but of course he can say he had them for 4 days

You're absolutely right. I thought that bit was total shit as well. Who wants tired, grotty children dropped off every night on what is supposed to be the tiny bit of time that their other parent is meant to be looking after them? What child wants to be continually picked up and dropped off, shuttled between parents every day, clearly resented?

Clearly resented? Care to elaborate on how you know that?

Crystal ball or massive projection?

If he has the kids eow what exactly is stopping her getting a job? She can just pay for childcare like the rest of the world does?

Most jobs don't happen EOW. And childcare is hard, if not impossible, to come by on weekends.

Regardless, you have no idea what she may or may not be doing to secure future work. You can't know. You just assume that she can't be arsed and that's that. Lots of people struggle to find work suitable to suit their situations. Lots of people have horrendous situations you would know nothing about when your contact with them isn't direct. The current situation workwise isn't great, with literally hundreds of experienced and qualified people chasing entry level jobs. You don't stand much of a chance if you have been out of the workplace for a while.

It's easy to say 'if you're bothered about money, get a job' without understanding the broader context of an individual person's situation. And I say that as someone who works 3 jobs because her ex can't be arsed to support his children. It wasn't always like this for me and actually, I went through a few years recently with caring responsibilities the detail of which my ex knew nothing about. Didn't stop him and his (non-working) girlfriend telling my children I was a 'lazy bitch' when they tried to defend me for dropping down to part-time hours to give myself some breathing space. Not something children should have to hear and not something I should have had to explain to them in detail so they understood it had sod all to do with 'laziness'.

Too many people think they have a grip on other people's lives and situations. Many of us really need to think about what it's like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

if you read, that seems to be a suggestion because the OP is going to her mums and her DH wants to be there to support her overnight still.. so has floated an idea that he has his other kids in the day, and then head to her moms to help her overnight

Surely the entire point of going to her mum’s is for support? Or have I got that wrong? Her mum can support her overnight for three nights.

What is this weird obsession with calling everything 'projection'?

It's this strange catch-22 where apparently no one who's been in this situation can comment because they're 'projecting', but also no one who HASN'T been in this situation can comment because they 'don't know what they're talking about'.

Conveniently it means that absolutely no one can comment, according to some posters, unless they are in exactly the same situation as the OP and therefore she can do no wrong.

It is actually possible to understand and comment on things on their own merits, you know.

@EnoughnowIthink

If he has the kids eow what exactly is stopping her getting a job? She can just pay for childcare like the rest of the world does?

Most jobs don't happen EOW. And childcare is hard, if not impossible, to come by on weekends.

Regardless, you have no idea what she may or may not be doing to secure future work. You can't know. You just assume that she can't be arsed and that's that. Lots of people struggle to find work suitable to suit their situations. Lots of people have horrendous situations you would know nothing about when your contact with them isn't direct. The current situation workwise isn't great, with literally hundreds of experienced and qualified people chasing entry level jobs. You don't stand much of a chance if you have been out of the workplace for a while.

It's easy to say 'if you're bothered about money, get a job' without understanding the broader context of an individual person's situation. And I say that as someone who works 3 jobs because her ex can't be arsed to support his children. It wasn't always like this for me and actually, I went through a few years recently with caring responsibilities the detail of which my ex knew nothing about. Didn't stop him and his (non-working) girlfriend telling my children I was a 'lazy bitch' when they tried to defend me for dropping down to part-time hours to give myself some breathing space. Not something children should have to hear and not something I should have had to explain to them in detail so they understood it had sod all to do with 'laziness'.

Too many people think they have a grip on other people's lives and situations. Many of us really need to think about what it's like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

Why does she need to work on a weekend? Her children go to school. What do you think parents who are together do?!

Too many people think they have a grip on other people's lives and situations.

Yeah, like everyone calling him a shit dad based on one incident?

But that's okay right because he is a lowly man.

@MrsHusky As i said, disabled child, there was a period he wouldn't sleep for ExH, or have anything to do with staying with him, so he picked them up after breakfast, dropped them off at bedtime on saturday, same on sunday. I still got all day 'off' wasn't brilliant, but in the short term, it was better than nothing, and at least they got to spend awake time with their dad.

It was the best option for your child in that situation, yes. It's clearly not the best option for the stepchildren in question on this thread, though. It's shit.

Their dad was meant to look after them for an entire week of the Easter holidays and instead he has used that week up already, refuses to take them, and now apparently can't even have them overnight on the weekend either (when he's not working).

I'm sorry that your ex is so shit. That doesn't mean that, just because the father in question here is slightly less shit, that he's doing a good job as a parent.

@DropDTuning

What is this weird obsession with calling everything 'projection'?

It's this strange catch-22 where apparently no one who's been in this situation can comment because they're 'projecting', but also no one who HASN'T been in this situation can comment because they 'don't know what they're talking about'.

Conveniently it means that absolutely no one can comment, according to some posters, unless they are in exactly the same situation as the OP and therefore she can do no wrong.

It is actually possible to understand and comment on things on their own merits, you know.

Because you have NO IDEA if he resents them and yet you're presenting it as fact. Why?

@TrustTheGeneGenie You seem to have low expectations of men, but a father who won't even have his own children stay overnight with him at the weekend, when he's already completely let them down by not having them during the holidays, is doing nothing at all to stop them feeling unloved, unwelcome and resented. Quite the reverse.

[quote DropDTuning]@TrustTheGeneGenie You seem to have low expectations of men, but a father who won't even have his own children stay overnight with him at the weekend, when he's already completely let them down by not having them during the holidays, is doing nothing at all to stop them feeling unloved, unwelcome and resented. Quite the reverse.[/quote]
I don't have low expectations at all. It's literally one incident and you've deduced from that he resents his children?

How?

Please explain.

Why would a child feel unloved from one incident unless of course you presented it that way. Would you do that?

Are you one of them who tells their children daddy doesn't love them?