New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

[Mrscatbells]

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !!

I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

"Do i think its good parenting? No, i dont, you're absolutely right.

However, the fundamental difference here is i dont think it makes for BAD parenting either.. its just a bit of a one off fuck up due to changes from lockdown wfh to being back at work full time and a new baby arriving.

Shit happens.

IF/when he turns out to be consistently flakey over and extended period of time, then i will concede he's a bit of a shit dad.. but for this extraordinary set of circumstances where he's dropped the ball? No."

I totally agree

@Alsohuman

you don't know how hard it can be in a blended family but you're very very quick to judge

I’ve been in a blended family for over 20 years. You didn’t invent it.

Well in that case I'm glad you've never been in this situation.

Is there any need for that? I never claimed to invent it.

It's bizarre because you're apparently in a blended family and yet you disregard two of the members of that family because only two matter.

[quote DropDTuning]**@TrustTheGeneGenie* Children of that age don't really benefit from spending time with a newborn since a newborn spends most of its time feeding or asleep.*

Someone should have told my daughter that. The first week that her brother was home from the hospital was one of the happiest times I can remember. Have photos of her just staring at him in wonderment and adoration. And of them curled up sleeping together on our bed.[/quote]
Obviously that's EXACTLY what it's like for everyone else on the planet, just because you've experienced it

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Good for you. Imagine a world where not every child is as perfect as yours.

What an utterly ridiculous comment. You know perfectly well I was responding to your claim that there is no benefit at all for children to spend any time with a newborn sibling.

Which it sounds like you do. Why is that?

Why are you so determined to try to make this personal and about me? It isn't in any way shape or form, it's failed on all of the previous attempts and it's going to keep failing. Try to discuss the situation in the thread rather than this weird insistence that people must have ulterior motives.

This is shit parenting and the bit where, having chosen to let his kids down by cancelling an entire week of their holiday with him, he's not even going to let them stay overnight because apparently a newborn baby requires no fewer than THREE adults to look after it overnight, is the cherry on the cake.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 Obviously that's EXACTLY what it's like for everyone else on the planet, just because you've experienced it hmm

I'm sorry you missed the line I quoted in my post, which I was obviously responding to. Here it is again:

Children of that age don't really benefit from spending time with a newborn since a newborn spends most of its time feeding or asleep.

I'll try to explain more clearly this time. I was disagreeing with this point by saying that children do benefit from spending time with a newborn even though the baby is feeding or asleep.

Does that help?

[quote DropDTuning]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Good for you. Imagine a world where not every child is as perfect as yours.

What an utterly ridiculous comment. You know perfectly well I was responding to your claim that there is no benefit at all for children to spend any time with a newborn sibling.

Which it sounds like you do. Why is that?

Why are you so determined to try to make this personal and about me? It isn't in any way shape or form, it's failed on all of the previous attempts and it's going to keep failing. Try to discuss the situation in the thread rather than this weird insistence that people must have ulterior motives.

This is shit parenting and the bit where, having chosen to let his kids down by cancelling an entire week of their holiday with him, he's not even going to let them stay overnight because apparently a newborn baby requires no fewer than THREE adults to look after it overnight, is the cherry on the cake.[/quote]
For step children who don't live there and are visiting, it's not beneficial particularly for more than a couple of hours and a cuddle. Step kids aren't going to snuggle in your bed while you fawn over them.

You think you know it all but you can't justify your opinion, you can't give any explanation you just keep telling us how he feels like it's a fact.

The truth is you have no idea. None of us do.

Maybe he does hate his kids but then again maybe he just fucked up once.

I think he should have acted differently, but one occurrence doesn't make you a shit dad.

Have you seriously never made a bad decision?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I had both of my children by section.

I went out every day (bar one) in the first 2 weeks after I got home from hospital for my first (similar I think for my second). I went shopping, for walks, to cafes, day trips to see friends. At 3w I held a garden party for 30 people to come and meet the new baby.

For my second, I was climbing around soft play within 10 days.

So yes, I've got some idea how long it takes to recover after a section. And yes everyone varies. I personally was back to normal within a week bar a slight bruised feeling. I appreciate not everyone is the same but if you can't manage a short trip out sheet 3 weeks, then that's not typical recovery from any of my other friends who have had sections, or various groups I'm on FB for sections.

Have you had sections btw or are you speculating on how hard you assume it must be?

I do feel sorry for your baby's half siblings HOWEVER, your head 3 weeks postpartum can be a very weird place. Hope you start to feel better soon, OP.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@TrustTheGeneGenie

I had both of my children by section.

I went out every day (bar one) in the first 2 weeks after I got home from hospital for my first (similar I think for my second). I went shopping, for walks, to cafes, day trips to see friends. At 3w I held a garden party for 30 people to come and meet the new baby.

For my second, I was climbing around soft play within 10 days.

So yes, I've got some idea how long it takes to recover after a section. And yes everyone varies. I personally was back to normal within a week bar a slight bruised feeling. I appreciate not everyone is the same but if you can't manage a short trip out sheet 3 weeks, then that's not typical recovery from any of my other friends who have had sections, or various groups I'm on FB for sections.

Have you had sections btw or are you speculating on how hard you assume it must be?[/quote]
Good for you! Everyone isn't the same as you.

No, I didn't but I had a traumatic birth and certainly wasn't martyring myself hosting parties 3 weeks post birth.

Don't make this a ooh she's not good enough because I did this and that. Many women don't. It's okay to do the bare minimum when you've just given birth.

The fact she's considering going to her mum's illustrates shes not as active as you were.

Have you seriously never made a bad decision?

Again, why do you keep persisting in trying to turn this into a personal attack on me? It's not a thread about me or my life and it's not going to work.

I don't know or care 'how he feels', I know what he has done. That's what matters.

Who gives a toss about someone's internal feelings and motivations? What matters is how they behave towards others.

It doesn't matter if he believes he loves his kids or feels like he hates them, what matters is if he lives up to his responsibilities. Same as all of us as parents. Which he's massively failing to do.

Your nastiness about 'fawning' is misplaced. And they are not 'stepkids'. They are siblings. To the baby. This is exactly what I mean about the perspective of putting the kids' experience at the centre of things, vs. making it into a battle between adults.

@MrsHusky DropD, has it occured to you that it might not be the baby that needs 3 adults looking after it, and that the OP might still be in need of some care too?

What is the purpose of her going to her mother's to be looked after if she also needs her husband to be there? So much so that he can't even have his own kids overnight at the weekend?

The 'medical details' were raised quite late on in the thread. If you look at the original post, it wasn't even a consideration. She just said she's 'trying to work it all out', has 'lost patience' with her stepkids and 'can't bear them being around'. Nothing to do with medical issues. That's clearly not the primary thing.

Right so I can't assume that she's harrasing op but you're assuming she got nasty messages back?
You are so missing the point. I made no assumptions at all, I'm challenging the fact that you are opting to only make negative assumptions about the ex.

For all I know, the ex might be a psycho nightmare who deserves to be locked.

What we do seem to know though is that this dad isn't prepared to take on his responsibilities. Yet still you focus on assumptions about the ex rather than focusing on what we do know.

hosting parties 3 weeks post birth.

Having your children in the house is not 'hosting parties'.

@DropDTuning

Have you seriously never made a bad decision?

Again, why do you keep persisting in trying to turn this into a personal attack on me? It's not a thread about me or my life and it's not going to work.

I don't know or care 'how he feels', I know what he has done. That's what matters.

Who gives a toss about someone's internal feelings and motivations? What matters is how they behave towards others.

It doesn't matter if he believes he loves his kids or feels like he hates them, what matters is if he lives up to his responsibilities. Same as all of us as parents. Which he's massively failing to do.

Your nastiness about 'fawning' is misplaced. And they are not 'stepkids'. They are siblings. To the baby. This is exactly what I mean about the perspective of putting the kids' experience at the centre of things, vs. making it into a battle between adults.

Who cares how he feels?

So doing something deliberately with hate is the same as making a mistake?

Yes they're siblings but it would be unusual for a step child to be comfortable enough to snuggle in bed with a step parent and a new baby.

It's not a battle between adults, it is about the kids, all of them, but also a woman who's gone through the most painful thing she'll likely experience.

Nobody has explained why it's in the best interest of the children. Just that mum needs a break.

It's bizarre because you're apparently in a blended family and yet you disregard two of the members of that family because only two matter

I’m not “apparently” in a blended family. I’m a member of two. I’ve been part of one since 1979 and the other since 1998. The only two members of OP’s family being “disregarded” are the two older children.

In our “bizarre” blended families all the adults have put the kids first. I have the utmost admiration and respect for my son’s stepmother who ought to write a blueprint for successful step parenting. She taught me a lot.

I recognise a good father when I see one because I’ve been married to two of them, neither of whom would have behaved like this.

@DropDTuning

hosting parties 3 weeks post birth.

Having your children in the house is not 'hosting parties'.

Read it for fucks sake she literally said she hosted a party.

@Alsohuman

It's bizarre because you're apparently in a blended family and yet you disregard two of the members of that family because only two matter

I’m not “apparently” in a blended family. I’m a member of two. I’ve been part of one since 1979 and the other since 1998. The only two members of OP’s family being “disregarded” are the two older children.

In our “bizarre” blended families all the adults have put the kids first. I have the utmost admiration and respect for my son’s stepmother who ought to write a blueprint for successful step parenting. She taught me a lot.

I recognise a good father when I see one because I’ve been married to two of them, neither of whom would have behaved like this.

Must be nice being so perfect. Congrats. Gold star 🌟

As we've said upthread you cannot always put the children first. It's near impossible unless you literally disregard your partner's health and welfare.

"No, I didn't but I had a traumatic birth and certainly wasn't martyring myself hosting parties 3 weeks post birth.

Don't make this a ooh she's not good enough because I did this and that. Many women don't. It's okay to do the bare minimum when you've just given birth."

Totally agree, your post was out of order babyboomtastic to the OP who has already said of her struggle.
What unnecessary self praising 'look how fabulous I am' rubbish 🤦🏼‍♀️

@TrustTheGeneGenie
Nobody has explained why it's in the best interest of the children. Just that mum needs a break.

I did explain very specifically why I thought it was in the best interest of the children to spend time with their newborn sibling.

And you mocked me repeatedly for it, saying that I was claiming my child was 'perfect' and that I was 'fawning' over them.

Read it for fucks sake she literally said she hosted a party.

Yes. I did read it. I was pointing out that having your child's own siblings in the house is not the same as hosting a party.

[quote DropDTuning]@TrustTheGeneGenie
Nobody has explained why it's in the best interest of the children. Just that mum needs a break.

I did explain very specifically why I thought it was in the best interest of the children to spend time with their newborn sibling.

And you mocked me repeatedly for it, saying that I was claiming my child was 'perfect' and that I was 'fawning' over them.

Read it for fucks sake she literally said she hosted a party.

Yes. I did read it. I was pointing out that having your child's own siblings in the house is not the same as hosting a party.[/quote]
It wasn't an explanation it was what your daughter did with her presumably full sibling she lives with. That's not an explanation.

Well yes, I never claimed it was did I.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I'm sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth.

I think people have an impression of sections as being worse to recover from than they are. Albiet emergency ones (which this one sounds like) take longer because you are knackered from labour.

I was lucky I admit. I found recovery a lot easier than most of my friends with natural births, and I certainly didn't martyr myself - I choose to host, and I had a really good time. I was in a wheelchair before birth for a little while, so I was enjoying my newfound freedom.

I do think though if someone isn't well enough to be vaguely out and about after 3 weeks, a call to the midwife or drs would probably be in order to check there's nothing amis. I don't mean if you can't run or do star jumps or something, but if you literally are housebound as that isn't within the realms of normal recovery as far as I'm aware.

The OP needing to go to her mums I took as more wanting space from the kids, not because she wasn't active. She doesn't mention how she's feeling physically, only that she's struggling to be round the older children.

Anyway, I'd the children were over, there's no reason their dad couldn't take them to the park, and the OP stay at home and rest.

@MrsHusky
No, but its essentially the cause of the whole upset.. he took a weeks leave at the end of his paternity to look after his wife, rather than saving it to take the week off with his kids at Easter

OP has never said it was for any particular medical crisis and she hasn't said that now either. Perhaps she's implied it, but mostly it's other people reading that into it.

The point at which she said she expects him not only to give up that week with his kids, but also to then not allow them to stay overnight at the weekend either, even though she is going to her mum's, is the point at which I think it's very clear that there is no consideration at all about those children's relationship with their father or their feelings.