Page 24 | New baby and can't bear my step kids around help!

Mrscatbells · 2021-03-28T21:16:40+00:00

Just what the title says , new mum , new baby and trying to work it all out. I have found I've lost all patience with step kids aged 6 and 9 completely and just want to lock myself away with my baby and husband. I Dont say anything negative to them I am always nice and accommodating but inside I want to just yell that I want to be left alone. Their DM has just rang wanting more contact time over the holidays I could have a breakdown over it !! I hate that I feel like this , but I just need to offload is this normal??? Will this feeling ever go away?

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:33

Are you one of them who tells their children daddy doesn't love them?

What on earth makes you imagine I would do that? And why?

You really are determined to make this about 'projection', aren't you?

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:34

@MrsHusky Should we question if the Mother loves her children as she's clearly so eager to let dad have them so much Should we pontificate that she resents having her children with her?

Do you not understand that it's meant to be about what's good for the children? Not a battle of egos between adults?

There is a huge gulf on this thread between those who clearly prioritise the children's needs, and those who see it as a battle between adults.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:34

@DropDTuning

Are you one of them who tells their children daddy doesn't love them?

What on earth makes you imagine I would do that? And why?

You really are determined to make this about 'projection', aren't you?

Because you're saying a child would feel unloved from one contact change.

They wouldn't, unless it had been presented in that way to them.

The fact you think they would feel unloved makes me wonder how you would present it to your child?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:36

[quote DropDTuning]**@MrsHusky* Should we question if the Mother loves her children as she's clearly so eager to let dad have them so much Should we pontificate that she resents having her children with her?*

Do you not understand that it's meant to be about what's good for the children? Not a battle of egos between adults?

There is a huge gulf on this thread between those who clearly prioritise the children's needs, and those who see it as a battle between adults.[/quote]
The children don't need to spend this specific week with dad. In fact the only arguments I've seen are that mum needs a break.

What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn.

That is not best for them, is it?

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:36

I don't need to present anything like that to my children. You can carry on trying to say it's 'projection' if you like, but you really are barking up the wrong tree.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:38

@DropDTuning

I don't need to present anything like that to my children. You can carry on trying to say it's 'projection' if you like, but you really are barking up the wrong tree.

Okay so if you don't need to do that how do you know how they'd feel?

I know how they'd feel because I have been that child. Weirdly I am not permanently scarred from contact being moved.

Babyboomtastic · 30/03/2021 13:38

Two consecutive contact changes, at a time when they need reassurance...

Not one.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:38

@TrusttheGeneGenie What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn. That is not best for them, is it?

I suppose that depends on whether or not you think the children would benefit from spending time with their newborn sibling and also being reassured that they aren't being pushed out now it's been born.

DarkMatterA2Z · 30/03/2021 13:38

Surely the mum's work situation is beside the point, except that since she doesn't work it would be nice if she could be a little more flexible in allowing her ex and his new wife time to come to terms with the new baby since she doesn't need to find childcare.

The OP's husband is responsible for EOW and 50/50 holidays. The ex is responsible for the rest of the time and 50/50 holidays. They are both the default parent during their time. If they want to depart from that arrangement, they either have to ok it with the other parent or hire childcare. They can't just dump their responsibilities on the other parent.

Have said that, it sounds like the ex is behaving horrifically towards the OP, who has no responsibility to look after the SC at all and who is (like many new mums) at the end of her tether. I can't imagine being in her position and not being more understanding of the tiredness and other issues which the OP will be facing as a new mum. She sounds very unpleasant.

Original poster

Mrscatbells · 30/03/2021 13:38

Maintenance was paid in full regardless of 50:50 and he only insisted for 50:50 after seeing his daughter play 6 hours on you tube ans she was meant to be home schooling. He could only get 50:50 on condition the ex shill got paid the same

OP posts:

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:39

@Babyboomtastic

Two consecutive contact changes, at a time when they need reassurance...

Not one.

Oh wow that makes it so much worse. Again, if you tell them daddy doesn't love them I'm sure it's damaging. If you don't, generally it's something and nothing.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:40

[quote DropDTuning]**@TrusttheGeneGenie* What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn. That is not best for them, is it?*

I suppose that depends on whether or not you think the children would benefit from spending time with their newborn sibling and also being reassured that they aren't being pushed out now it's been born.[/quote]
Children of that age don't really benefit from spending time with a newborn since a newborn spends most of its time feeding or asleep.

Babyboomtastic · 30/03/2021 13:40

What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn.

Why on earth would they be housebound? Newborn babies are portable, and restrictions are lifting a bit. There is no reason in the world why they can't go on a walk or go to the park, with or without the OP, at her choice.

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:41

@MrsHusky

Whats good for the children is spending time with their dad. However, you've decided you're the judge/jury on what quantifies as 'time' Apparently, according to you, him spending ALL DAY with them over the weekend isn't good enough and means he resents his children. So again.. do all dads who can't have their kids overnight resent their children when they spend all day with them?

I mean... it's fairly clear that if time with dad is beneficial, then continually restricting and cutting down that time, for one reason and then another, is the opposite of beneficial.

There is absolutely no reason that their father couldn't have them at the weekend. There is also no reason that he should have cancelled the whole week of the easter holidays that they were meant to spend with him.

I would presume that most separated parents would make the effort to live somewhere that their children can stay overnight with them, if they possibly can.

Those who make the choice not to are clearly not prioritising their relationship with their children, are they?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:41

@Babyboomtastic

What would be best for the children would be for the week to be swapped and them to spend quality time with dad doing something they enjoy and not spending a week housebound with two sleep deprived people and a screaming newborn.

Why on earth would they be housebound? Newborn babies are portable, and restrictions are lifting a bit. There is no reason in the world why they can't go on a walk or go to the park, with or without the OP, at her choice.

I don't know about you but I wasnt doing anything fun when I had a three week old baby. Nor would I have been happy with dad pissing off out for the day and leaving me to it.

Do you know how long it takes to recover from a section for instance?

Or are you just being deliberately obtuse?

Alsohuman · 30/03/2021 13:42

Because you're saying a child would feel unloved from one contact change. They wouldn't, unless it had been presented in that way to them

I’m pretty sure they would, given that the one contact change just happens to coincide with the arrival of a new baby. Kids aren’t stupid, they can join the dots. If we think it’s not important that older kids don’t feel pushed out, why do we spend so much time and trouble preparing them for a new arrival and ensuring their routine is consistent?

To be honest @MrsHusky and @TrustTheGeneGenie, I don’t think you really believe this is good parenting at all. The reality is that neither the ex nor the father come out of this well. I’m sorry for the kids.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:42

@TrustTheGeneGenie Children of that age don't really benefit from spending time with a newborn since a newborn spends most of its time feeding or asleep.

Someone should have told my daughter that. The first week that her brother was home from the hospital was one of the happiest times I can remember. Have photos of her just staring at him in wonderment and adoration. And of them curled up sleeping together on our bed.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 13:45

@TrustTheGeneGenie
Oh wow that makes it so much worse. Again, if you tell them daddy doesn't love them I'm sure it's damaging. If you don't, generally it's something and nothing.

Why are you insisting that this is OK? It's obviously not. Children of 6 and 9 years old don't need to be 'told' that their parent doesn't love them in this situation. They make their own judgements.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:45

@Alsohuman

Because you're saying a child would feel unloved from one contact change. They wouldn't, unless it had been presented in that way to them

I’m pretty sure they would, given that the one contact change just happens to coincide with the arrival of a new baby. Kids aren’t stupid, they can join the dots. If we think it’s not important that older kids don’t feel pushed out, why do we spend so much time and trouble preparing them for a new arrival and ensuring their routine is consistent?

To be honest @MrsHusky and @TrustTheGeneGenie, I don’t think you really believe this is good parenting at all. The reality is that neither the ex nor the father come out of this well. I’m sorry for the kids.

They're not stupid no, and they understand when someone who has just gone through a really hard time might need a bit of space.

It works both ways.

I don't think it's bad parenting. I think it's one questionable decision that could have been handled better and I don't think you can judge someone based on one thing. It's not fair to do that. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy with someone judging you on one decision.

The thing is I think you don't actually know what it's like to be in this situation. You don't know how the children feel, you don't know how hard it can be in a blended family but you're very very quick to judge.

To be honest I'm glad you're so fucking perfect, but this is real life. Most families aren't perfect and there has to be give and take. In reality step children are not on a pedestal like you think they should be. They are equal to any other children and sometimes they cannot come first above everyone else's wellbeing.

Families don't work like that and to be honest it's plain stupid to think that they should.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:46

[quote DropDTuning]@TrustTheGeneGenie
Oh wow that makes it so much worse. Again, if you tell them daddy doesn't love them I'm sure it's damaging. If you don't, generally it's something and nothing.

Why are you insisting that this is OK? It's obviously not. Children of 6 and 9 years old don't need to be 'told' that their parent doesn't love them in this situation. They make their own judgements.[/quote]
Insisting what is okay?

What he did?

I've already said what I thought he should have done but this doesn't have to be a hugely negative and damaging experience for the children unless you want it to be. Which it sounds like you do. Why is that?

MrsHusky · 30/03/2021 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 13:47

[quote DropDTuning]**@TrustTheGeneGenie* Children of that age don't really benefit from spending time with a newborn since a newborn spends most of its time feeding or asleep.*

Someone should have told my daughter that. The first week that her brother was home from the hospital was one of the happiest times I can remember. Have photos of her just staring at him in wonderment and adoration. And of them curled up sleeping together on our bed.[/quote]
Good for you. Imagine a world where not every child is as perfect as yours.

Alsohuman · 30/03/2021 13:48

you don't know how hard it can be in a blended family but you're very very quick to judge

I’ve been in a blended family for over 20 years. You didn’t invent it.